I need help! Wife issues

[Pax2u]

Hydin’s post was spot on. You can never lay the fault all on one person when things go bad…and he made it clear that the whole point isn’t to blame, but to focus on realizing your own part in what went wrong, acknowledging it, trying to improve it, and trusting in God that good will come of all this.

I’ve been following this post, and was disturbed at the way a few are blaming the wives involved…heh, remember there are two sides to every story, and we are hearing one.

 

[hurthusband]

Hydin’s post was spot on. You can never lay the fault all on one person when things go bad…and he made it clear that the whole point isn’t to blame, but to focus on realizing your own part in what went wrong, acknowledging it, trying to improve it, and trusting in God that good will come of all this.

I’ve been following this post, and was disturbed at the way a few are blaming the wives involved…heh, remember there are two sides to every story, and we are hearing one.

Here’s the deal guys. I’m not a perfect person. No one is. I have my own shortcomings as do we all. But infidelity? No … that’s just something that I’m not taking the fall for. I put up with a lot of dysfunction and still managed to go to work every day and get the kids through college. Did I do it all on my own without any help from her? No, but definitely without a ton of help. Did that make her self conscious that she took on a lesser role? Yes. Was her mother a negative dysfunctional thorn in my side? Yes, but I still took her in when none of her other kids would have. But infidelity? Sorry, but I’m just not gonna carry that cross. That’s like saying the teller is at fault for the bank robbery.

 

[LongingSoul]

Here’s the deal guys. I’m not a perfect person. No one is. I have my own shortcomings as do we all. But infidelity? No … that’s just something that I’m not taking the fall for. I put up with a lot of dysfunction and still managed to go to work every day and get the kids through college. Did I do it all on my own without any help from her? No, but definitely without a ton of help. Did that make her self conscious that she took on a lesser role? Yes. Was her mother a negative dysfunctional thorn in my side? Yes, but I still took her in when none of her other kids would have. But infidelity? Sorry, but I’m just not gonna carry that cross. That’s like saying the teller is at fault for the bank robbery.

It’s not about ‘taking the blame for her infidelity’ though. It’s about using the sad situation to revise your own approach. For eg. I’ve over the last 2 years experienced the absolute agony of having middle son go through marijuana addiction, suicidal depression, get into huge debt and thumb his nose at the traffic laws to the tune of $2000. He made those choices of course and will have to make his way back out of the trouble, but I feel very pained by certain failings as his mother, that I know hurt him and deprived him for one reason or another as he grew up. It’s not about beating myself up, its about trying to correct those deficiences and flaws in myself so that I can find the best attitude and approach I can possible have now, in this unfortunate period of our life as mother and son. In some ways, I feel its been a blessing in disguise and I pray that we get through and come out the other side healed.

Many people feel so defensive about their blamelessness that they become incapable of honest examination of conscience and perhaps even for their entire lives they get stuck in a sense of their own righteousnous. Nobody wants to really end up one of those types at the end of the day.

 

[Pax2u]

Here’s the deal guys. I’m not a perfect person. No one is. I have my own shortcomings as do we all. But infidelity? No … that’s just something that I’m not taking the fall for. I put up with a lot of dysfunction and still managed to go to work every day and get the kids through college. Did I do it all on my own without any help from her? No, but definitely without a ton of help. Did that make her self conscious that she took on a lesser role? Yes. Was her mother a negative dysfunctional thorn in my side? Yes, but I still took her in when none of her other kids would have. But infidelity? Sorry, but I’m just not gonna carry that cross. That’s like saying the teller is at fault for the bank robbery.

No one is saying you were guilty of infidelity. You’ve let everyone know each time you post that your wife is that terrible, guilty person. A few of us are saying…take stock inside yourself (the only person you have control over), see where YOU went wrong in the relationship, and try to fix those things in yourself. You’ll be at peace a heck of a lot quicker. To continually rehash the wrongs that have been done to you are not going to help you. It’s natural to do that for awhile, but there comes a point where you need to move past that.

 

[hydin]

Whoaaaaaaaaa, I was not clear… I never meant to imply infidelity on Hurthusband’s part. Let me try again…

Your wife did something that made sense to her, to step outside the marriage to get her emotional needs met at first. Something caused her to take that step. It was the wrong step for sure and there is no excuse for it. NONE. To think that she was completely happy in the marriage and had all her needs met but still looked elsewhere is not logical. For Hurthusband to have a chance to get his wife back he has to figure out what he missed during this time of the marriage. In HER opinion (it made sense to her at the time) it was easier to get that need filled somewhere else. It led to other things and the fracture of the marriage. Certainly her activities were far graver and excusable. One tactic the left behind spouse (remember, I am one and have been going through this for 2 and a half years) can take is to point out all the things she has done. He will be right but he also will not get her back. The only way to get a wayward wife back it to be the man that meets the need she felt was unmet. With women that is very rarely sex… it is emotional … Keep in mind I am not saying Hurthusband did anything wrong or deserved what she did… I I am saying if he doesn’t look at himself and find, work on and develop the area she (her opinion, his doesn’t matter… it doesn’t ) needed him to fill she has no reason to return to the relationship. It is a case of being right or being in a relationship. People don’t leave perfect, fulfilling marriages for a fling on the internet. People get tempted by someone outside the marriage when they feel that person “Understands” them. Hurtinghusband’s wife risked everything. All I am saying is there had to be some reason for her to even consider it or get in the spot to be tempted. Flip it… Happily married fully satisfied men don’t sit in the hotel lounge and talk to women they don’t know all night… They avoid the temptation completely. I am sorry if I confused anyone. My intentions were to help this man deal with his situation. He still blames her. Certainly he is right to give her most of the blame. If he gives her all of the blame he will be visiting his kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays… count on it. He will be right. She will be a sinner. He does not have to look at himself at all. Even his response tonight shows bitterness and blame toward his mother in law. He may be right. He wants to get his wife back. His way is not working. It never does. Hey, I tried it… most do. His paini will only diminish when he sees the splinter in his eye. I only take the time to write this to help him reach his goal. He is focused on her. She blames him. Every time she feels guilty she drifts further away. She certainly did much more to damage the marriage. He will have to forgive her for much more than he has done if he wants to reconcile. If they do he will also have to deal with what she chose to do, to understand it, to have empathy with her pain (his opinion does not matter - it was easier for her to leave than to stay - same as my wife… I hurts like hell to say that but it is true). Hurthusband, I am sorry if I upset you. Please forgive me. I will keep an eye on your thread. Do me one favor… Please… check out the alturtle.com site… the essay on what to do when he/she leaves… You have nothing to lose but a few minutes… it is your choice whether you choose to follow the same path you have been on or make a shift. I will keep you in my prayers. May you feel the arms of Jesus around you. Know that He is with you and will help you if you turn to him…God is Good.

 

[Martin66]

Have you ever heard of a midlife crisis or runaway wife syndrome? Some people leave perfectly happy marriages because of things going on within their own head, and their spouses cannot influence them. It is a stretch to assume that HurtHusband didn’t give his wife something so she left the marriage to find it.

The point of self examination is worth considering, but I am sure HH has already done a lot of this himself. I know I have, and there are things I would definitely do differently in a future relationship. That is an entirely separate issue from the adultery that occurred, and we should not be mixing the two points.

 

[Mummsie]

I believe Hydin is referring to “Healing”.

"God Grant me:
…The serenity to accept the things I cannot change (THE PAST. The adultery is a done deal.)
…The Courage to change the things I can (What do I want to change about myself)
…and the Wisdom to know the difference (Praying to Our Lord for Wisdom)

The assumption is HH wants to be the best version of himself. This calls for looking inside, not at his wife, or mother-in-law, or the other man.

God Bless you.

 

[hurthusband]

Have you ever heard of a midlife crisis or runaway wife syndrome? Some people leave perfectly happy marriages because of things going on within their own head, and their spouses cannot influence them. It is a stretch to assume that HurtHusband didn’t give his wife something so she left the marriage to find it.

The point of self examination is worth considering, but I am sure HH has already done a lot of this himself. I know I have, and there are things I would definitely do differently in a future relationship. That is an entirely separate issue from the adultery that occurred, and we should not be mixing the two points.

Martin,

Thanks for your support

David

 

[Irishmom2]

Have you ever heard of a midlife crisis or runaway wife syndrome? Some people leave perfectly happy marriages because of things going on within their own head, and their spouses cannot influence them. It is a stretch to assume that HurtHusband didn’t give his wife something so she left the marriage to find it.

The point of self examination is worth considering, but I am sure HH has already done a lot of this himself. I know I have, and there are things I would definitely do differently in a future relationship. That is an entirely separate issue from the adultery that occurred, and we should not be mixing the two points.

Excellent post. When one spouse cheats it is not because of something the other spouse did, it is the cheaters choice and the cheaters own way of responding to their own hangup, problems or way of thinking. Affairs don’t “just happen” as people like to say. No, they are a choice. Let’s be careful about throwing the non cheaters under the bus.

 

[Pax2u]

Have you ever heard of a midlife crisis or runaway wife syndrome? Some people leave perfectly happy marriages because of things going on within their own head, and their spouses cannot influence them. It is a stretch to assume that HurtHusband didn’t give his wife something so she left the marriage to find it.

The point of self examination is worth considering, but I am sure HH has already done a lot of this himself. I know I have, and there are things I would definitely do differently in a future relationship. That is an entirely separate issue from the adultery that occurred, and we should not be mixing the two points.

No one is excusing adultery. And I don’t agree with your statement above…I do not believe any person leaves a “perfectly happy marriage because of things going on in their own head”…if one person is unhappy enough to leave and the other person thinks they have a perfectly happy marriage…there’s obviously issues that need work on both sides.

I won’t be posting on this thread anymore. I hesitated to even do it, though I read the whole thing. I felt bad for the OP, and hoped he would be able to either work things out with his wife or start to make progress in a positive direction for himself, forgiving and moving on. What I started to see happen was other posters who had experienced a spouse’s infidelity, feeding each others “my wife did this” stories. That is not helpful…not if you want to forgive, heal, possibly reconcile, or at least move on.

 

[hurthusband]

No one is excusing adultery. And I don’t agree with your statement above…I do not believe any person leaves a “perfectly happy marriage because of things going on in their own head”…if one person is unhappy enough to leave and the other person thinks they have a perfectly happy marriage…there’s obviously issues that need work on both sides.

I won’t be posting on this thread anymore. I hesitated to even do it, though I read the whole thing. I felt bad for the OP, and hoped he would be able to either work things out with his wife or start to make progress in a positive direction for himself, forgiving and moving on. What I started to see happen was other posters who had experienced a spouse’s infidelity, feeding each others “my wife did this” stories. That is not helpful…not if you want to forgive, heal, possibly reconcile, or at least move on.

Pax,

I’m moving on. We tried counseling. She didn’t participate. We went to Retrouvaille. She didn’t fully participate and would not go to any of the follow up sessions. I’m moving on with the support of family and friends. I’m in a good emotional and spiritual place. I appreciate what you’ve said. I really do. It takes two to make a marriage work. Did you know that she was mariied and divorced at a young age? Did you know that she converted to the church 12 years into our marriage? I don’t think she ever understood marriage in the sacramental sense the way that I do.

 

[Pax2u]

I do wish peace to you, HH.

 

[LongingSoul]

No one is excusing adultery. And I don’t agree with your statement above…I do not believe any person leaves a “perfectly happy marriage because of things going on in their own head”…if one person is unhappy enough to leave and the other person thinks they have a perfectly happy marriage…there’s obviously issues that need work on both sides.

I won’t be posting on this thread anymore. I hesitated to even do it, though I read the whole thing. I felt bad for the OP, and hoped he would be able to either work things out with his wife or start to make progress in a positive direction for himself, forgiving and moving on. What I started to see happen was other posters who had experienced a spouse’s infidelity, feeding each others “my wife did this” stories. That is not helpful…not if you want to forgive, heal, possibly reconcile, or at least move on.

You’ve made an important and vital point Pax2u. Over the last 10 years or so, I’ve volunteered my time with a Catholic org. that does pre and post marriage and family counselling (I don’t actually counsel)… but the point you make is key to moving forward one way or the other. It’s distressing to see a person fighting so hard to defend their own ‘innocence’ that they become hopelessly caged in victim mentality that eventually permeates every other aspect of their lives. Nobody is perfect in any relationship and being able to have a healthy regard towards the person who has wronged you (clearly undeservedly) and towards the aspects of self that can be improved… makes for overall more clarity of whats at play in the big picture. That’s the ideal place to take control or your life one way or the other.

 

[Irishmom2]

It’s distressing to see a person fighting so hard to defend their own ‘innocence’ that they become hopelessly caged in victim mentality that eventually permeates every other aspect of their lives. Nobody is perfect in any relationship and being able to have a healthy regard towards the person who has wronged you (clearly undeservedly) and towards the aspects of self that can be improved… makes for overall more clarity of whats at play in the big picture. That’s the ideal place to take control or your life one way or the other.

I honestly don’t think that HH has done that, so why even bring that up? The way you put quotes around the word innocence as if you doubt what he says is insulting. You weren’t there, he was. If you don’t believe it happened as he says, and you don’t have anything constructive to say, why say something negative?

Stamp off the dust HH and walk forward. God bless you.

 

[LongingSoul]

I honestly don’t think that HH has done that, so why even bring that up? The way you put quotes around the word innocence as if you doubt what he says is insulting. You weren’t there, he was. If you don’t believe it happened as he says, and you don’t have anything constructive to say, why say something negative?

Stamp off the dust HH and walk forward. God bless you.

It’s unfortunate that you read my post in the way you did. I stressed that his situation was ‘clearly undeserved’. The reason for putting the quotes around the word innocence is because it is a sensation that becomes like a sacred aspect of victimhood in any situation. It holds people back and distorts the big picture to a persons detriment. I was really adding objective thoughts to Pax’s post for the general readership and not addressing HH personally there, so I’m sorry if you read it that way. I tend to talk at a general level a lot and forget that someone might be thinking that I’m addressing them personally.

 

[Martin66]

Pax2U may be at a different point in the grieving and healing process than others. I didn’t think that anyone was trying to establish their innocence until it was stated that HH shared some fault that his wife broke her marriage vows. Let me be blunt; it’s not the job of a husband or wife to make their partner happy. This is an impossible task. We are each responsible for our own happiness. If HH’s wife (or mine) was not getting her needs met in the marriage they were obligated to sit us down and discuss with us - I would have done almost anything to make my wife happy, but I never knew what she wanted. If you have truly made a lifelong committment then you would have this conversation with your spouse!

And yes, people every day do things like leave marriages, abandon children, and ostracize their families for no logical reason. The chemistry of the human brain is extremely fragile, and small changes can cause signficant and lifelong changes in behavior, personality, and emotions. It’s not always someone’s fault that these tragedies happen.

David - we are brothers in Christ and I will always pray for you. We have better days ahead of us.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Pax2U may be at a different point in the grieving and healing process than others. I didn’t think that anyone was trying to establish their innocence until it was stated that HH shared some fault that his wife broke her marriage vows. Let me be blunt; it’s not the job of a husband or wife to make their partner happy. This is an impossible task. We are each responsible for our own happiness. If HH’s wife (or mine) was not getting her needs met in the marriage they were obligated to sit us down and discuss with us - I would have done almost anything to make my wife happy, but I never knew what she wanted. If you have truly made a lifelong committment then you would have this conversation with your spouse!

And yes, people every day do things like leave marriages, abandon children, and ostracize their families for no logical reason. The chemistry of the human brain is extremely fragile, and small changes can cause signficant and lifelong changes in behavior, personality, and emotions. It’s not always someone’s fault that these tragedies happen.

David - we are brothers in Christ and I will always pray for you. We have better days ahead of us.

Depression is particularly insidious- the fact it causes the portion of the brain responsible for emotion/positive thought processes to literally shrink results in the depressive literally recasting the past in a negative light. Hence they will describe incidents far differently than they actually occurred- yet to them that’s the reality. A tough thing to fight, it even affects their opinion of themselves. Therapy with medication has a much higher success rate than either by itself. Yet many therapists discourage medications and many psychiatrists discourage therapy. Combine that with folks being sensitive about having a mental disease even though it’s common in middle-aged women - it’s tough problem. There a psychiatrist who’s written a couple of books, “Listening to Prozac” and “Should you leave?” who sees depression as a major cause of divorces in longer marriages.

Introspection is essential, however, you need to focus on reality. Concrete evidence you can point to vice feelings and emotions. Partners of depressives tend to fall into depression themselves and can also find they’re re-writing the past vice viewing it truthfully. Always amazed me when my ex would be down on herself and I could go through a list of specific accomplishments she’d been well-recognized for in the community yet she would say they all weren’t true.

I found the books by Anne Sheffield, particularly “Depression Fallout”, very helpful. Got my ex and our marriage through her first major depressive episode and helped keep my marriage together for 5 years longer until her second major episode which started with her saying the meds weren’t working. 6 months later she moved out, at the year point our divorce was final and she’d alienated her kids, parents, and friends.

 

[LongingSoul]

Pax2U may be at a different point in the grieving and healing process than others. I didn’t think that anyone was trying to establish their innocence until it was stated that HH shared some fault that his wife broke her marriage vows. Let me be blunt; it’s not the job of a husband or wife to make their partner happy. This is an impossible task. We are each responsible for our own happiness. If HH’s wife (or mine) was not getting her needs met in the marriage they were obligated to sit us down and discuss with us - I would have done almost anything to make my wife happy, but I never knew what she wanted. If you have truly made a lifelong committment then you would have this conversation with your spouse!

And yes, people every day do things like leave marriages, abandon children, and ostracize their families for no logical reason. The chemistry of the human brain is extremely fragile, and small changes can cause signficant and lifelong changes in behavior, personality, and emotions. It’s not always someone’s fault that these tragedies happen.

Mind I’m not commenting with the purpose of distributing blame or innocence or even to establish what and what isn’t an obligation in the marriage. There are so many factors at play, that those arguments can’t ever be trump cards. Some partners, husbands or wives, may have low self esteem and perhaps don’t experience a right to have their needs met. Some partners, husbands and wives, find the marriage certificate secures them somewhat and tend to take the other for granted after that. Much of this happens without thought in a subconscious way and are only seen in retrospect. Sometimes depression is involved, sometimes narcissism is involved, sometimes unresolved wounds emerge especially around midlife, taking a person back to a place in time they thought they’d successfully left behind. I’m just pointing out that this is not always a battle between the ‘good’ and the ‘evil’ person in an warlike or apocolyptic way. A marriage is like that image of the scales of justice. We can only work on our own deficiencies or excesses to make it possible to work. I think the original comment in this stream of posts, began because it seemed that many hurt spouses tend to jump in with ‘my wife did this’ stories, rather than ‘these are the steps I took to get out of this terrible place within myself’. The transitions through grief don’t automatically happen. They require a choice and work to step up to the next phase and that’s only hampered by a certain type of dynamic.

 

[Martin66]

I’m just pointing out that this is not always a battle between the ‘good’ and the ‘evil’ person in an warlike or apocolyptic way. A marriage is like that image of the scales of justice. We can only work on our own deficiencies or excesses to make it possible to work. I think the original comment in this stream of posts, began because it seemed that many hurt spouses tend to jump in with ‘my wife did this’ stories, rather than ‘these are the steps I took to get out of this terrible place within myself’. The transitions through grief don’t automatically happen. They require a choice and work to step up to the next phase and that’s only hampered by a certain type of dynamic.

This comment leads me to think two things:

1. This is ABSOLUTELY about good versus evil. Not spouses, but God vs. the devil. The breakup of my marriage was an evil act, and my wife’s actions regarding her affair were evil. My wife is NOT evil, but the affair was an evil act on many levels. My failures during the marriage were also sinful, and I bear the responsibility for that. But I would wager what I did/failed to do where things that many of you are doing in your marriages today. No one is perfect, but for some reason your marriages are intact and mine failed.
2. The point of this post is to help HurtHusband, not for him to explain what he did to get out of a terrible place. I think he is asking for help in doing that. A little bit of venting is part of the healing process, IMO.

 

[Serap]

She says they are/were friends. But c’mon 5000 texts. They talked 13 times on my daughter’s birthday and 10 times on my birthday. No telling how many texts were exchanged on those days. I’m trying to deal with this and cope and forgive, but I just don’t know.

Emotional affair. look it up. it’s a problem. she needs to break her friendship with this guy

oops…old thread…sorry