I need help! Wife issues

[LongingSoul]

This comment leads me to think two things:

1. This is ABSOLUTELY about good versus evil. Not spouses, but God vs. the devil. The breakup of my marriage was an evil act, and my wife’s actions regarding her affair were evil. My wife is NOT evil, but the affair was an evil act on many levels. My failures during the marriage were also sinful, and I bear the responsibility for that. But I would wager what I did/failed to do where things that many of you are doing in your marriages today. No one is perfect, but for some reason your marriages are intact and mine failed.
2. The point of this post is to help HurtHusband, not for him to explain what he did to get out of a terrible place. I think he is asking for help in doing that. A little bit of venting is part of the healing process, IMO.

I get the feeling that I’m having a different conversation than you are. What was being posited here in the last couple of pages, was really a very healthy piece of advice from someone who was experiencing a similar situation. It’s the standard tactic of self healing and moving on in a way of true freedom, released from bitterness and resentment. Perhaps HH and yourself don’t suffer this affliction, but there are many others post who do get trapped there and don’t realise they have the choice to be free of it. That’s all I was saying.

 

[Martin66]

I get the feeling that I’m having a different conversation than you are. What was being posited here in the last couple of pages, was really a very healthy piece of advice from someone who was experiencing a similar situation. It’s the standard tactic of self healing and moving on in a way of true freedom, released from bitterness and resentment. Perhaps HH and yourself don’t suffer this affliction, but there are many others post who do get trapped there and don’t realise they have the choice to be free of it. That’s all I was saying.

Hmm, well I may not be understanding the advice then. Perhaps you just need to be further along in the greiving process to begin being so introspective? I just had a phone call with my wife last night and she started it with “Well, since you were the one who wanted the divorce…” What?? It’s difficult (for me anyway) to start looking at myself when my former spouse is busy reshaping our history with her lies/fantasies. I think I have to fully disengage emotionally from her before I can truly begin looking inside. Starting this process now, when she is actively shoveling all the blame upon me to anyone who will listen to her, is just too much to take.

 

[hurthusband]

This comment leads me to think two things:

1. This is ABSOLUTELY about good versus evil. Not spouses, but God vs. the devil. The breakup of my marriage was an evil act, and my wife’s actions regarding her affair were evil. My wife is NOT evil, but the affair was an evil act on many levels. My failures during the marriage were also sinful, and I bear the responsibility for that. But I would wager what I did/failed to do where things that many of you are doing in your marriages today. No one is perfect, but for some reason your marriages are intact and mine failed.
2. The point of this post is to help HurtHusband, not for him to explain what he did to get out of a terrible place. I think he is asking for help in doing that. A little bit of venting is part of the healing process, IMO.

Here is a little venting. I agreed that I would give 48 hours notice if I needed to come by the house to pick anything up. Last Wednesday I gave my 48 hours notice that I needed to come by the house to pick up some tarps to cover our trailer because it was supposed to rain on Saturday. The trailer is stored at another location. So Friday evening I went by the house to pick up the tarps, but no one was there. I texted her to find out if I should come back a little later when she might be home. She was at happy hour with her three time married boyfriend. Still committing those evil acts that you mention. Unbelievable.

 

[LongingSoul]

Hmm, well I may not be understanding the advice then. Perhaps you just need to be further along in the greiving process to begin being so introspective? I just had a phone call with my wife last night and she started it with “Well, since you were the one who wanted the divorce…” What?? It’s difficult (for me anyway) to start looking at myself when my former spouse is busy reshaping our history with her lies/fantasies. I think I have to fully disengage emotionally from her before I can truly begin looking inside. Starting this process now, when she is actively shoveling all the blame upon me to anyone who will listen to her, is just too much to take.

By saying that, it sounds like youre thinking that doing this thing will be releasing her from blame and accepting all the blame yourself. But that is not the point of this tactic at all. It’s to free yourself from the twister that you are swept up in. She’s having some sort of midlife crisis that is very real and intense for her and as unexpected to her as it is to you. It can happen in this situation, that we place good/evil values on the parties involved that can compound your sense of being wronged in a not so healthy way. The ideal place for you to be, is outside the twister looking in. That is very possible for you. It’s not possible for her at all at the moment. She’s not in her right mind and she’s in a lot of pain she’s trying to solve (in the wrong ways). You are the one in the position to take the reigns of your families life but that just can’t happen if you a clinging to a sense of how right you are and how wrong she is (regardless of what the truth of the situation is). It’s about finding the way to be as objective and detached from the twister as you can. It might feel at the moment that doing that will release her from judgement that she deserves and condemning yourself, but its actually stepping off that cycle of defensive action altogether.

 

[Irishmom2]

She was at happy hour with her three time married boyfriend. Still committing those evil acts that you mention. Unbelievable.

You go girl! No really, just keep going. Go until you are far away.

hurthusband, all I can say is that someday, and I don’t know which day, it will get better. God is good and He will bless you with his peace.

 

[Saturn5]

By saying that, it sounds like youre thinking that doing this thing will be releasing her from blame and accepting all the blame yourself. But that is not the point of this tactic at all. It’s to free yourself from the twister that you are swept up in. She’s having some sort of midlife crisis that is very real and intense for her and as unexpected to her as it is to you. It can happen in this situation, that we place good/evil values on the parties involved that can compound your sense of being wronged in a not so healthy way. The ideal place for you to be, is outside the twister looking in. That is very possible for you. It’s not possible for her at all at the moment. She’s not in her right mind and she’s in a lot of pain she’s trying to solve (in the wrong ways). You are the one in the position to take the reigns of your families life but that just can’t happen if you a clinging to a sense of how right you are and how wrong she is (regardless of what the truth of the situation is). It’s about finding the way to be as objective and detached from the twister as you can. It might feel at the moment that doing that will release her from judgement that she deserves and condemning yourself, but its actually stepping off that cycle of defensive action altogether.

I think I understand what you’re saying…let me offer my example.

Several years ago my wife told me she loved me but wasn’t “in” love with me. This after several years of what I thought was marital bliss. I was immediately caught up in the middle of the twister! I whirled around for several years trying to fix it, feeling hurt and angry, pouting, etc, etc. As I started to focus more on fixing myself (by deepening my faith), I finally started to step out of the chaos and watch it rather than participate. My wife no longer became an opponent to outmaneuver, but a spouse that needed my help. She grew up watching a horrible marriage in her parents. Her father was/is verbally and emotionally abusive to her mother. He had multiple affairs. Holy smokes! How could my wife witness that growing up and not have deep seated issues with commitment?

And trust me…it is a heavy cross at times. I ask Christ A LOT to help me with that cross. But through regular confession, prayer and trusting God, I stay out of the maelstom more than I’m in it.

I can talk with my wife in a more normal manner now rather than try and manipulate the conversation to “help” the marriage or get my needs met. We’re able to go out on a date night and not have any expectations on either side, which takes the pressure off her.

She has done things that hurt me, but I wouldn’t say she has done things to hurt me…if that makes sense? The Lord forgives me for all my sins so I have to love my wife unconditionally and forgive her of sins I might feel committed against me. And I know in my heart the Lord will heal her. I pray for her to open her heart more to Christ which in turn will re-open her heart to me.

 

[Martin66]

By saying that, it sounds like youre thinking that doing this thing will be releasing her from blame and accepting all the blame yourself. But that is not the point of this tactic at all. It’s to free yourself from the twister that you are swept up in. She’s having some sort of midlife crisis that is very real and intense for her and as unexpected to her as it is to you. It can happen in this situation, that we place good/evil values on the parties involved that can compound your sense of being wronged in a not so healthy way. The ideal place for you to be, is outside the twister looking in. That is very possible for you. It’s not possible for her at all at the moment. She’s not in her right mind and she’s in a lot of pain she’s trying to solve (in the wrong ways). You are the one in the position to take the reigns of your families life but that just can’t happen if you a clinging to a sense of how right you are and how wrong she is (regardless of what the truth of the situation is). It’s about finding the way to be as objective and detached from the twister as you can. It might feel at the moment that doing that will release her from judgement that she deserves and condemning yourself, but its actually stepping off that cycle of defensive action altogether.

After reading this post several times, along with your earlier posts, I think I understand what you are saying. When I am away from my wife I do feel more at peace, and I can be detached and objective. However, any interaction with her, such as when I have to attend mass with her on Sunday or go to school functions causes emotions. I think about how I still have feelings for her, and can’t understand how she could walk away from our life together. That makes me angry. I can’t sync the emotional and intellectual parts of my brain. Emotion always wins that battle. I’m unable to detach from the feelings I have for her. That’s scary to me - will I always feel like this?

 

[hurthusband]

After reading this post several times, along with your earlier posts, I think I understand what you are saying. When I am away from my wife I do feel more at peace, and I can be detached and objective. However, any interaction with her, such as when I have to attend mass with her on Sunday or go to school functions causes emotions. I think about how I still have feelings for her, and can’t understand how she could walk away from our life together. That makes me angry. I can’t sync the emotional and intellectual parts of my brain. Emotion always wins that battle. I’m unable to detach from the feelings I have for her. That’s scary to me - will I always feel like this?

You still go to mass together? Well at least that’s something. I doubt mine will ever step foot in the church again.

 

[styrgwillidar]

By saying that, it sounds like youre thinking that doing this thing will be releasing her from blame and accepting all the blame yourself. But that is not the point of this tactic at all. It’s to free yourself from the twister that you are swept up in. She’s having some sort of midlife crisis that is very real and intense for her and as unexpected to her as it is to you. It can happen in this situation, that we place good/evil values on the parties involved that can compound your sense of being wronged in a not so healthy way. The ideal place for you to be, is outside the twister looking in. That is very possible for you. It’s not possible for her at all at the moment. She’s not in her right mind and she’s in a lot of pain she’s trying to solve (in the wrong ways). You are the one in the position to take the reigns of your families life but that just can’t happen if you a clinging to a sense of how right you are and how wrong she is (regardless of what the truth of the situation is). It’s about finding the way to be as objective and detached from the twister as you can. It might feel at the moment that doing that will release her from judgement that she deserves and condemning yourself, but its actually stepping off that cycle of defensive action altogether.

Good post. When you have loved someone, particularly someone you’ve known for a long time it is hard to see them as they really are, vice the person you’ve known. The person you have believed them to be. When you’ve seen a lot of good in a person over a long period of time you are faced with the issue of reconciling you feelings, emotions, and memories with the reality smacking you in the face.

Objectivity is very difficult. I found praying to the Holy Spirit can be very helpful in assisting in seeing things as they are, not how they used to be or how I wished them to be.

It is hardest to see the logical consequences of where things are headed, even for them. Then to come to grips with the fact that the consequences we think are unintended collateral damage/effects may in fact be the goal. Not a flaw but a feature.

 

[Martin66]

You still go to mass together? Well at least that’s something. I doubt mine will ever step foot in the church again.

She put in our custody agreement that the spouse who has the kids on the weekend will tell the other spouse when and where they are attending mass so that the other can go. We look like a family in church, I suppose that is important to her still for some reason. The kids have told me they prefer that she didn’t come, but I can’t do anything about it.

 

[LongingSoul]

I think I understand what you’re saying…let me offer my example.

Several years ago my wife told me she loved me but wasn’t “in” love with me. This after several years of what I thought was marital bliss. I was immediately caught up in the middle of the twister! I whirled around for several years trying to fix it, feeling hurt and angry, pouting, etc, etc. As I started to focus more on fixing myself (by deepening my faith), I finally started to step out of the chaos and watch it rather than participate. My wife no longer became an opponent to outmaneuver, but a spouse that needed my help. She grew up watching a horrible marriage in her parents. Her father was/is verbally and emotionally abusive to her mother. He had multiple affairs. Holy smokes! How could my wife witness that growing up and not have deep seated issues with commitment?

And trust me…it is a heavy cross at times. I ask Christ A LOT to help me with that cross. But through regular confession, prayer and trusting God, I stay out of the maelstom more than I’m in it.

I can talk with my wife in a more normal manner now rather than try and manipulate the conversation to “help” the marriage or get my needs met. We’re able to go out on a date night and not have any expectations on either side, which takes the pressure off her.

She has done things that hurt me, but I wouldn’t say she has done things to hurt me…if that makes sense? The Lord forgives me for all my sins so I have to love my wife unconditionally and forgive her of sins I might feel committed against me. And I know in my heart the Lord will heal her. I pray for her to open her heart more to Christ which in turn will re-open her heart to me.

That’s pretty much it really. It’s that recognition firstly, that the spouse is going through something that’s created a deep seated panic and urgency for them. That helps you to not take it as personally as you could … and secondly, its taking that opportunity to really live the Gospel and deepen faith. As you say… “it is a heavy cross at times.”

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” – Luke 6 32-35 (Read ‘enemies’ in context here)

After reading this post several times, along with your earlier posts, I think I understand what you are saying. When I am away from my wife I do feel more at peace, and I can be detached and objective. However, any interaction with her, such as when I have to attend mass with her on Sunday or go to school functions causes emotions. I think about how I still have feelings for her, and can’t understand how she could walk away from our life together. That makes me angry. I can’t sync the emotional and intellectual parts of my brain. Emotion always wins that battle. I’m unable to detach from the feelings I have for her. That’s scary to me - will I always feel like this?

The key is to focus on yourself in a way that immunises you against the storm and takes the atmosphere of ‘war’ out of the equation. We do tend to feel entitled to a perfect life and perfect spouse and that curve balls and trials are something that we should not have to endure in our life. That compounds the feeling of being wronged by a situation in a way that was never realistic. So even though you have been wronged and it is undeserved… life never did come with a guarantee against turmoil. In fact, it is in these situations, the saints show us the opportunity to deepen our faith and become more Christlike if that’s what you really want to be.

My spiritual director is a lovely little Italian religious sister who works in the palliative care part of an aged hospital and once she told me something when I was struggling with turmoil that really struck home for me. She said that when people are facing that final time, they invariably focus on their relationships over life and the regrets that they didn’t do some things or some ways differently in those important relationships. People don’t often focus on how wronged they have been by others. Those things are for others. That information helped me a great deal to step out of the need to be the judge and jury in the midst of someone else’s sins and helped me carry my Cross in a more Christlike way … which I’d been having trouble doing.

You don’t have control of the path of someone else’s life or even the path of your own life in these relationships involving commitment… but you can walk it a discerning way with the help of God that purifies and strengthens the person you are before Him.

 

[Irishmom2]

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” – Luke 6 32-35

LongingSoul, the verse you put in red really came to me at a time when I needed to hear it most. It’s relevance to me has nothing to do with my spouse or a divorce at all. It just has to do with a difficult relationship in general. Thank you for selecting this, though you did not mean for it to apply it to me, it hit home today.

 

[LongingSoul]

Originally Posted by LongingSoul
“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

It is a striking verse isn’t it. I find that most of the time, the hard part is not acting in that Christlike way towards ‘enemies’… it’s the feeling that you’ve diminished yourself by doing so. The verse lovingly reminds us that it’s only our pride/ego that’s diminished and that we’ve actually lived and loved large right from our soul by the act and that’s what matters at the end of the day! :heaven:

 

[styrgwillidar]

It is a striking verse isn’t it. I find that most of the time, the hard part is not acting in that Christlike way towards ‘enemies’… it’s the feeling that you’ve diminished yourself by doing so. The verse lovingly reminds us that it’s only our pride/ego that’s diminished and that we’ve actually lived and loved large right from our soul by the act and that’s what matters at the end of the day! :heaven:

A couple of other things from scripture to contemplate along those lines. God will forgive us in the same manner we forgive others. To be forgiven, we ourselves must forgive.

Sirach, Chptr 28, 1-5

Whoever exacts vengeance will experience the vengeance of the Lord, who keeps strict account of sin. Pardon your neighbour any wrongs done to you, and when you pray, your sins will be forgiven. If anyone nurses anger against another, can one then demand compassion from the Lord? Showing no pity for someone like oneself, can one then plead for one’s own sins? Mere creature of flesh, yet cherishing resentment!-who will forgive one for sinning?

Christ echoes this:

Matthew 6, 14-15
'Yes, if you forgive others their failings, your heavenly Father will forgive you yours;
but if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive your failings either.

Matthew 18, 32-35
Then the master sent for the man and said to him, “You wicked servant, I cancelled all that debt of yours when you appealed to me. Were you not bound, then, to have pity on your fellow-servant just as I had pity on you?” And in his anger the master handed him over to the torturers till he should pay all his debt. And that is how my heavenly Father will deal with you unless you each forgive your brother from your heart.’

Mark 11
25 And when you stand in prayer, forgive whatever you have against anybody, so your Father in heaven may forgive your failings too.’

Luke 6, 37- (this immediately follows the verse LongingSoul cited)
‘Be compassionate just as your Father is compassionate. Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and there will be gifts for you: a full measure, pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap; because the standard you use will be the standard used for you.’

Of course, it is worth contemplating that in the mystery of Christ’s death on the cross, in the midst of His pain and agony, He prayed for the forgiveness of those who were persecuting Him despite their lack of remorse.

 

[Guineviere]

Have you ever heard of a midlife crisis or runaway wife syndrome? Some people leave perfectly happy marriages because of things going on within their own head, and their spouses cannot influence them. It is a stretch to assume that HurtHusband didn’t give his wife something so she left the marriage to find it.

The point of self examination is worth considering, but I am sure HH has already done a lot of this himself. I know I have, and there are things I would definitely do differently in a future relationship. That is an entirely separate issue from the adultery that occurred, and we should not be mixing the two points.

Thank you! People do become discontent in perfectly happy marriages due to no fault of the spouse sometimes. I lived it. I was far from perfect, but there was nothing within our marriage that was even remotely a call for divorce. He wanted to experience the thrill of new relationships. He told me this.

 

[hurthusband]

Well people I didn’t plan on posting here for a while until something happened, but … I went back east to visit my son in college and to make sure that everything was in order for him to graduate next Spring. Thankfully he’s an amazing kid and he’ll graduate and go on to law school. While I was gone the wife stole my car. Just took it and left me the other car with no gas, 3000 miles overdue for an oil change, and bad brakes. Now my car is hidden somewhere. I think it’s probably locked up in the garage. I had a feeling and asked her not to do anything foolish while I was gone taking care of our son. This isn’t the woman I married.

 

[Mikeydell]

Well people I didn’t plan on posting here for a while until something happened, but … I went back east to visit my son in college and to make sure that everything was in order for him to graduate next Spring. Thankfully he’s an amazing kid and he’ll graduate and go on to law school. While I was gone the wife stole my car. Just took it and left me the other car with no gas, 3000 miles overdue for an oil change, and bad brakes. Now my car is hidden somewhere. I think it’s probably locked up in the garage. I had a feeling and asked her not to do anything foolish while I was gone taking care of our son. This isn’t the woman I married.

HH glad you and you’re son are doing well! In plain English…that woman is very unbalanced. Nothing you could’ve done would ever have changed that.

God bless and good luck from here on out!

Mike

 

[Irishmom2]

Well people I didn’t plan on posting here for a while until something happened, but … I went back east to visit my son in college and to make sure that everything was in order for him to graduate next Spring. Thankfully he’s an amazing kid and he’ll graduate and go on to law school. While I was gone the wife stole my car. Just took it and left me the other car with no gas, 3000 miles overdue for an oil change, and bad brakes. Now my car is hidden somewhere. I think it’s probably locked up in the garage. I had a feeling and asked her not to do anything foolish while I was gone taking care of our son. This isn’t the woman I married.

Call her and tell her to return the car by the end of the day or you are going to report it as stolen. No this is not the woman you married. Don’t allow her to think she can take what she wants without consequences.

 

[Serap]

Call her and tell her to return the car by the end of the day or you are going to report it as stolen. No this is not the woman you married. Don’t allow her to think she can take what she wants without consequences.

yes, report it as stolen to the police.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Well people I didn’t plan on posting here for a while until something happened, but … I went back east to visit my son in college and to make sure that everything was in order for him to graduate next Spring. Thankfully he’s an amazing kid and he’ll graduate and go on to law school. While I was gone the wife stole my car. Just took it and left me the other car with no gas, 3000 miles overdue for an oil change, and bad brakes. Now my car is hidden somewhere. I think it’s probably locked up in the garage. I had a feeling and asked her not to do anything foolish while I was gone taking care of our son. This isn’t the woman I married.

If you’re still legally married, then I don’t think you can report it as stolen even if it’s in your name. I think that it legally belongs to both of you so she can do whatever she wants with it. Maybe it depends on the state, but my husband (works in law enforcement) told me that this happens often and there’s nothing that can be done.

Regardless of what the law says, it’s still not right morally. I’m just stating that the police may or may not be able to help