I need help with my daughter

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Humble maid, you still have a lot of influence over your daughter, and she’s showing decent judgment by coming to you and apologizing. When our son was in the throes of his rebellion, there is NO WAY he could see his part in anything or acknowledge anything he’d done wrong. It’s only this year, after he turned 18, and after we put him in a behavioral camp last summer, that he has apologized and told us that we did the right thing. In the moment, it was all sturm und drang, high drama, emotions, yelling, screaming, slamming doors. I do not deal with that kind of thing very well, I really prefer a quiet life, and it was awful quite a bit of the time.

Hang in there, take it one day at a time, make sure you don’t lost track of ALL THE GOOD THINGS you love about your daughter, and try to show her that love. It’s so easy to get into a negative spiral, where your kid acts up, does stupid stuff, you react with anger, they get worse, around and around it goes. Pretty soon you don’t even believe there is any good part of them left! And they hate you in response.

The thing I want to tell parents whose kid is in rebellion - or at the very first stage of it - whatever you do, DO NOT lose the relationship. If you are a hard-*** all the time, and jump all over your kid for anything they do, pretty soon they won’t want to come to you any more when they have problems. I’m not saying you need to be a friend to them, but try to always compensate for discipline by having good times in any way possible. Even if one parent is the enemy, and the kid goes to the other parent for a little support (not to get between you, just turning to you for help), that is better than the kid having nowhere to go with problems.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Humble maid, you still have a lot of influence over your daughter, and she’s showing decent judgment by coming to you and apologizing. When our son was in the throes of his rebellion, there is NO WAY he could see his part in anything or acknowledge anything he’d done wrong. It’s only this year, after he turned 18, and after we put him in a behavioral camp last summer, that he has apologized and told us that we did the right thing. In the moment, it was all sturm und drang, high drama, emotions, yelling, screaming, slamming doors. I do not deal with that kind of thing very well, I really prefer a quiet life, and it was awful quite a bit of the time.

Hang in there, take it one day at a time, make sure you don’t lost track of ALL THE GOOD THINGS you love about your daughter, and try to show her that love. It’s so easy to get into a negative spiral, where your kid acts up, does stupid stuff, you react with anger, they get worse, around and around it goes. Pretty soon you don’t even believe there is any good part of them left! And they hate you in response.

The thing I want to tell parents whose kid is in rebellion - or at the very first stage of it - whatever you do, DO NOT lose the relationship. If you are a hard-*** all the time, and jump all over your kid for anything they do, pretty soon they won’t want to come to you any more when they have problems. I’m not saying you need to be a friend to them, but try to always compensate for discipline by having good times in any way possible. Even if one parent is the enemy, and the kid goes to the other parent for a little support (not to get between you, just turning to you for help), that is better than the kid having nowhere to go with problems.
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So true what you are saying. Thank you. I pray to all the saints and the Blessed Mother, who is so good to me, she tells me always, just to love my daughter infinitely and unconditionally.
 
Coming from someone who was a teenager not that long ago…keep doing what you are doing, and definitely do not let her go out with her friends to the mall until she learns some respect.
And believe me when I tell you this, it is not uncommon for a teenager to say she hates her parents and wants to kill herself (I bet she announced this when she was upset, right?) I said this too but I was overly dramatic and would declare statements like this to make a point. Keep talking to her. Talk, talk, talk. She will act like she doesn’t care and as if she is not listening but believe me, she is–a teenage girl will just never admit it. Maybe a couple of years from now she will. Remember that.

Its not that she is dumb or has learning disabilities, at that age especially, kids just become disinterested in school and academics are the last thing on their mind. They want to just gossip or hang out with friends instead—to be ‘cool’. But let her cry and shout (because she will) but do not give in. She will definitely not appreciate it now but she will thank you for it later–I do now to my own parents and consider myself so lucky for being blessed with what I see now as amazing parents when back then I just thought they were overbearing and strict. It will get better once she ages. I hope it helps.
God Bless!
 
I am at my wits end. My children don’t help me at all. I work hard and now I am burning out because of fustration more than anything else. My husband works 7/7 and 12-15 hours a day. I signed up to a life of servitude with no happiness. My eldest is studying for her exam which she only started yesterday. She has so much to know and has no clue; I swear to you if she fails, regardless what my husband says, I am pulling her out of this school. I am seriously considering Homeschooling. Can anyone please tell me if this is good and how it is done?

Please help
 
humble_maid said:
I am at my wits end. My children don’t help me at all. I work hard and now I am burning out because of fustration more than anything else. My husband works 7/7 and 12-15 hours a day. I signed up to a life of servitude with no happiness. My eldest is studying for her exam which she only started yesterday. She has so much to know and has no clue; I swear to you if she fails, regardless what my husband says, I am pulling her out of this school. I am seriously considering Homeschooling. Can anyone please tell me if this is good and how it is done?

Please help
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That is actually a very smart move on your behalf. You remind me a lot of my Mother. She also pulled me out of school and homeschooled for just a year in high school, but that one year helped me tremendously. I appreciated things more. I was more respectful and uinderstood why I ‘needed this’ (though, try telling me that beforehand–I cried and threw a fit but even now I am so grateful. It was the best thing that could have happened). When I returned to school the next year I was a changed girl. More motivated in academics…in every way really.

You can research for homeschooling near you online. Some churches are a really good source of information on this too. Its really simple actually. You just mail a lot of booklets. homework, and sometimes tesst back and forth. Its quite easy to cheat so just keep an eye on that. For the most part the major tests/finals are taken in front of the teacher but you can schedule that.
 
In regards to information about homeschooling, every state has different requirements. The state’s Department of Education should have information you are looking for about home schooling. Our family is enrolled in the Seton Home Study Program. We have been enrolled for 13 years. You can check it out at www.setonhome.org. There are numerous programs available to meet the different needs of each family. Good luck and God Bless!
 
humble_maid said:
I am at my wits end. My children don’t help me at all. I work hard and now I am burning out because of fustration more than anything else. My husband works 7/7 and 12-15 hours a day. I signed up to a life of servitude with no happiness. My eldest is studying for her exam which she only started yesterday. She has so much to know and has no clue; I swear to you if she fails, regardless what my husband says, I am pulling her out of this school. I am seriously considering Homeschooling. Can anyone please tell me if this is good and how it is done?

Please help
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Humble Maid,

It sounds to me like you daughter’s problematic behaviors are symptoms of some larger family problems. You say you are unhappy, your husband works all the time and your children aren’t contributing to the family. I would recommend counseling.

Have you ever spoken with your daughter about how she is affected by her father’s absence due to his work schedule? It seems like that could be part of the problem.

Also, I think you need to seek some assistance with your frustration. If the family dynamics make you feel like a martyr, there’s something wrong there.

God bless you and your family!
 
Sounds a little like my sister all over again. She was stubborn and rebellious. My Dad finally sat her down looked her in the eye and said. “You’re staying in school till you graduate no matter how long it takes weather you’re 17 or 25 …It’s up to you” That scared the sense into her. She was still in high school 5 years but she eventually graduated.
 
I wouldn’t just ignore suicidal mentions as something that ‘teenagers just do.’ Teenagers are at the highest risk of depression and at most common age at which suicide happens. I know I was suicidal for the first time at 14, and now at 21 I’m still dealing with depression.
 
humble_maid said:
… my DH and I gave the benefit of the doubt to our daughter when it came to school. She never had any homework; she simply stated that she had done it at school. We also told her to review any new info that she would learn or read a few pages in a book. We continually reminded her and encouraged her; sometimes with impatience other times with compassion. First term came up and the results were horrible. She failed miserably all but 2 courses. (she has 7 in all). Her average was in the fifties or less. My husband and I flipped. Now, she is to not go to the mall on Fridays with her friends. Not only did she fail miserably but she has a nasty attitude towards authority and demonstrates this flagrantly towards us. In school, teachers say that she is ok. What is up?
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I’m not a parent (Okay, I am a step-parent, but that’s neither hear nor there), but I am a high school teacher and former middle school teacher :sad_yes: so you can take what I tell you for what it’s worth.

Your daughter’s 14, so if you’re in the US she’s in either 8th or 9th grade, yes? Academically and socially it’s an awkward, horrible time for kids. At this age never give your daughter the benefit of the doubt about her academics. Time and again I’ve heard parents say, “But he was such a great kid until last year! We don’t know what happened.” Adolescence happened is what. Some kids sail those hormonal waters better than others, but almost all of them founder at some point. And being deliberately misleading about their school work is a common way they founder.

It’s not unusual for kids of tank academically at this age. I’m not saying that’s acceptable, I’m simply saying it’s not out of the ordinary. Again, if I had a quarter for every time a parent has told me that their child was a straight A kid right up until the end of the 7th grade and then her grades tanked, I could take early retirement. Same thing with parents telling me their student claims never to have homework, tests/quizzes to study for, or projects to work on.

My point is you’re not alone. Take some comfort in that if you can.

So, what can you do to academically support your daughter?

First, sit in classes with her. Parents do it all the time. Talk with her counselor or one of the school administrators about her school’s protocol for campus visitors, and they can arrange this for you.

Yes, it will embarrass the heck out of your daughter (what 14-year-old wants mom sitting right next to her in social studies?), but I’ll bet my 403b it’ll make her think twice about lying to you about her homework. I’ve seen this work miracles for a student’s academic attitude.

If that’s not possible for whatever reason, contact all seven of your daughter’s teachers, as well as her counselor/learning director, give them your cell phone number as well as email and ask that they contact you the minute she doesn’t turn in homework, skips class, or does poorly on an assignment/quiz/project. Granted, some teachers are better communication than others, but if you keep in touch with them and they know you’re serious, most are happy to get back with you.

Finally, if your district has an on-line grading and attendance reporting system, use it. Daily if you have to. Don’t wait for those paper status or progress reports to come out. It’s oftentimes too late to bring grades up by then. I usually get a rush of parents the last two weeks of every semester wanting to know what their child can do to bring up their grade, and my answer’s always the same: don’t wait until December or June to try to pass the class.

I hope you can find something helpful here. I feel for you, my friend. Teenagers are hard.

And speaking of grades, I have to get back to plowing my way through 135 persuasive essays that need to be done before final grades are due tomorrow morning.

Luna
 
Here you need to keep your home members mindwash so it will be looking better so please use those thoughts that will helps your family members also keep the environment healthy and happy so your doughter can not go to wrong way, so keep it up.
 
runwaymodel said:
That is actually a very smart move on your behalf. You remind me a lot of my Mother. She also pulled me out of school and homeschooled for just a year in high school, but that one year helped me tremendously. I appreciated things more. I was more respectful and uinderstood why I ‘needed this’ (though, try telling me that beforehand–I cried and threw a fit but even now I am so grateful. It was the best thing that could have happened). When I returned to school the next year I was a changed girl. More motivated in academics…in every way really.

You can research for homeschooling near you online. Some churches are a really good source of information on this too. Its really simple actually. You just mail a lot of booklets. homework, and sometimes tesst back and forth. Its quite easy to cheat so just keep an eye on that. For the most part the major tests/finals are taken in front of the teacher but you can schedule that.
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Thank you, there is hope. You should become a speaker for this cause. Maybe teens can realize by your example that their parents are sincere or at least respect them.
 
His_angel said:
I wouldn’t just ignore suicidal mentions as something that ‘teenagers just do.’ Teenagers are at the highest risk of depression and at most common age at which suicide happens. I know I was suicidal for the first time at 14, and now at 21 I’m still dealing with depression.
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My heart goes out ot you. Counselling does help. Being involved in a community work helps to focus on others too. I will pray for you. I suffered as well, but it was the love of my family and the Lord most of all that helps me through. God Bless.
 
ElizabethAnne said:
Humble Maid,

It sounds to me like you daughter’s problematic behaviors are symptoms of some larger family problems. You say you are unhappy, your husband works all the time and your children aren’t contributing to the family. I would recommend counseling.

Have you ever spoken with your daughter about how she is affected by her father’s absence due to his work schedule? It seems like that could be part of the problem.

Also, I think you need to seek some assistance with your frustration. If the family dynamics make you feel like a martyr, there’s something wrong there.

God bless you and your family!
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Some days I am unhappy, but my conscience lets me know that I should not fall into despair or defeat. The Blessed Mother makes me understand that I should only continue to love and allow nothing else to take over my mind and heart. This is what I have to work on; sometimes I am a hard*** and uncomprimising. So I have to learn to be patient and loving all the time. Of course I will get angry, but the truth is to not let it take over my being. As for my husband, he works hard but makes it a point to always talk to his children. It is me who feels a little neglected. God Bless.
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
I’m not a parent (Okay, I am a step-parent, but that’s neither hear nor there), but I am a high school teacher and former middle school teacher :sad_yes: so you can take what I tell you for what it’s worth.

Your daughter’s 14, so if you’re in the US she’s in either 8th or 9th grade, yes? Academically and socially it’s an awkward, horrible time for kids. At this age never give your daughter the benefit of the doubt about her academics. Time and again I’ve heard parents say, “But he was such a great kid until last year! We don’t know what happened.” Adolescence happened is what. Some kids sail those hormonal waters better than others, but almost all of them founder at some point. And being deliberately misleading about their school work is a common way they founder.

It’s not unusual for kids of tank academically at this age. I’m not saying that’s acceptable, I’m simply saying it’s not out of the ordinary. Again, if I had a quarter for every time a parent has told me that their child was a straight A kid right up until the end of the 7th grade and then her grades tanked, I could take early retirement. Same thing with parents telling me their student claims never to have homework, tests/quizzes to study for, or projects to work on.

My point is you’re not alone. Take some comfort in that if you can.

So, what can you do to academically support your daughter?

First, sit in classes with her. Parents do it all the time. Talk with her counselor or one of the school administrators about her school’s protocol for campus visitors, and they can arrange this for you.

Yes, it will embarrass the heck out of your daughter (what 14-year-old wants mom sitting right next to her in social studies?), but I’ll bet my 403b it’ll make her think twice about lying to you about her homework. I’ve seen this work miracles for a student’s academic attitude.

If that’s not possible for whatever reason, contact all seven of your daughter’s teachers, as well as her counselor/learning director, give them your cell phone number as well as email and ask that they contact you the minute she doesn’t turn in homework, skips class, or does poorly on an assignment/quiz/project. Granted, some teachers are better communication than others, but if you keep in touch with them and they know you’re serious, most are happy to get back with you.

Finally, if your district has an on-line grading and attendance reporting system, use it. Daily if you have to. Don’t wait for those paper status or progress reports to come out. It’s oftentimes too late to bring grades up by then. I usually get a rush of parents the last two weeks of every semester wanting to know what their child can do to bring up their grade, and my answer’s always the same: don’t wait until December or June to try to pass the class.

I hope you can find something helpful here. I feel for you, my friend. Teenagers are hard.

And speaking of grades, I have to get back to plowing my way through 135 persuasive essays that need to be done before final grades are due tomorrow morning.

Luna
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You and I have something in common. I am a PT sub teacher and we’re from Canada. The system is different here but not all that much. I have considered and done some of what you have listed except for attending the actual class. I want to be more involved with the teachers and the school, but I am seriously considering homeschooling. The friends are not a good influence on her. I cannot control what other parents do, but I don’t like what I see. Maybe I am judging or not enough, I don’t know and don’t care. I want to help my child.

Good luck with the grading. God Bless and I thank you for your support.
 
I think it is just as much the parent’s fault if she is failing as it is hers if you are not helping her. You should be physically sitting down with her at the table, with the TV off. And be helping her with her homework. If she doesn’t need help then be where you can see her and check it when she is done. If she is not bringing home her assignments then call the teachers see if they can give them to you. If it is still a problem I would threaten to go sit with her in class. And I’m not joking. Follow through. Call the teachers and tell them You’ll be coming to school with her for a couple days. I bet she wont like that and it’ll work far more than being grounded. And if she continues to fail or not bring home assignements tell her you’ll come sit with her again. Good luck.
 
humble_maid said:
Hi,

I am going to write more later on today, or else I am going to be late. In brief, she is 14 yrs old and has no known learning problems, besides she did get some 90’s in her grades, even in math; she doesn’t put the effort. She says she hates us and wants to die. I am afraid. Had a sleepless night. I have hurt her verbally in using hateful words which I regret deeply and apologised to her and have had talks with her. She hangs with kids from notorious backgrounds( parents in jail, living with boyfriends etc) I don’t hate them, I even try to help them but they only want to have fun. They have no other impulse. I have to go. Thanks for the replies. I have to reread them carefully. Also she doesn’t want to be implicated in the church. She goes because she has to.😦
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i feel for you i’ll be praying for you and please pray for me… i’m going thru something similar to this but mine is 17 years old… we also get that hate thing and dying. you should check for drug activity… they start acting like that with he hate and fustration of having to do what they want…
 
humble_maid said:
Hi,

I am sitting here typing away, and all I can concentrate on is the loud cries of my teenage daughter. She is sore because she has been punished indefinitely. Let me explain briefly; my DH and I gave the benefit of the doubt to our daughter when it came to school. She never had any homework; she simply stated that she had done it at school. We also told her to review any new info that she would learn or read a few pages in a book. We continually reminded her and encouraged her; sometimes with impatience other times with compassion. First term came up and the results were horrible. She failed miserably all but 2 courses. (she has 7 in all). Her average was in the fifties or less. My husband and I flipped. Now, she is to not go to the mall on Fridays with her friends. Not only did she fail miserably but she has a nasty attitude towards authority and demonstrates this flagrantly towards us. In school, teachers say that she is ok. What is up? Her friends all failed except one. They dress, well, like teenagers, but she started to clean up her act. They act unappropriately and use sexual language that I only heard adults speak; and even this I find offensive. Till now she doesn’t speak like this on her facebook but I worry.

I brought up my girl, with Catholic values and went to church every Sunday, we pray as a family etc. It is far from perfect, but I thought I gave her a good foundation. Now I am feeling helpless. There is a part of me that understands her pain and another part that remains resolute. I cannot give in to her. She threatens us if we don’t allow her, then she goes into a crying fit. Are we being to aggressive in our tactic. Should we let her out with her friends( which I feel have polluted her mind) but she defends them staunchly. I know them well but I fear that she is going on the wrong path. She is good but can be done right mean. What do I do?

Please help, I pray for her but we constantly but heads.:confused:
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how are you???
 
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