"I never forget when someone does me wrong"

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goodcatholic

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It could describe me sometimes but actually it comes from a friend of mine. Just when that friend said it, there was almost vengeance in their tone. As if they were getting their payback, by holding a grudge. As if they have a list of offenders, from worst to not too bad. As if to say, those who are not “in my good book”, will suffer.
It struck me that we can all fall for this illusion of power. That holding someone accountable for our pain, will somehow punish them. I’m not saying that those of you who suffered traumatic abuse, don’t have a good reason to never forgive. Just those of us who cop minor to average abuse/insult/harassment. Maybe we need to move on. And not act as if “we are God and how dare they cross us”!
The more humble souls are able to move on. It is often tied to ego, I’m afraid.
 
Some people seem to think forgiveness means condoning or trivializing the offence.
 
If you are referring to traumatic abuse, I completely understand the victim not being able to forgive.
I will give you an example of minor abuse in my case.
I visited my older brother’s house, coming from overseas. I looked out his back window and laughed at the garden. There was an old neglected rusted bomb car and the weeds and grass waist high.
He didn’t like me laughing, got angry and said “right, you clean it up then”
So I cleaned up his back yard for him.
Now I was the one who was angry. But I didn’t express it then. I haven’t been back to his house since, over 15 years ago. I still get annoyed thinking about it.
Don’t I need to move on? Its not that big a deal is it?
 
You might make some valid points but the tone suggests you are judging me without any empathy or understanding whatsoever. I suggest if you want to help people, you consider their point of view with more compassion. You are not my judge and jury which seems to be a habit of several posters on here.
I have admitted my lack of forgiveness and it is something I need to work on. So is there any need for you make me feel even worse? I don’t think there is.
 
It’s stupid and we all do it. Many of us anyways.

Ask for that grace.
 
Why not tell us your story so we can understand your pov on this?
 
I apologize for my comments and for hurting you in any way. I withdraw them. Please forgive me.
 
It would be more than ironic if I couldn’t forgive you on this thread. 🙂
 
I have a few!

But the one I was thinking of…my mother has always had a habit of resorting to manipulative behavior when she doesn’t get her way. And she’s shown no concern that she hurts others - rather her behavior is that anyone expressing hurt is just being mean and selfish. A lot of times she insists that she’s not doing what she’s blatantly doing. But at the same time she insists I should be her best friend and love spending time with her.

I try to forgive, but I don’t trust her. I know things she says aren’t true, and I know she’ll use things I tell her against me. I don’t see that as contrary to forgiveness. I would love it if she was willing to change. But at the same time…I didn’t tell her about my upcoming vacation time, because I know it would be a big mess of “now that you have time off you can spend it with me!”

But I have had people who would insist, that if I don’t turn around and tell her about my life and go out to dinner with her regularly, I’m not forgiving.
 
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Sounds to me like you are the sane, mature one and your mother is the opposite. I’m not offering any advice, just some sympathy because I have had to deal with a few manipulative types over the years. God Bless anyway. Prayers. Hope you find the coping skills in further dealings with your mother.
 
Thanks! It’s taken me a long time and I have many postings here about the situation. I was just making a point about forgiveness. Sometimes people think forgiveness means we have to pretend nothing ever went wrong. I think that can be an ok enough model for one-time issues, especially if the person is apologetic afterward. It’s not wise for people who continue to behave in a certain way.
 
DarkLight said:
Sometimes people think forgiveness means we have to pretend nothing ever went wrong.
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Yes I know. And that attitude can make us feel more alienated, more guilty for even having those thoughts.
You don’t come across as one who wallows in self-pity. I’d say you are on the right track. We have a right to express outrage as someone elses’ behaviour. I get that.
 
DarkLight said:
I try to forgive, but I don’t trust her. I know things she says aren’t true, and I know she’ll use things I tell her against me.
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I’m 58 years old and I still have these problems with my mother and forgiveness! And, yes, it’s very difficult maintaining a relationship which can be open most of the time, but where my trust is undermined by not knowing when an unkind and unnecessary remark will come out of the blue - especially where I could have avoided it by doing less for her.
 
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I think if you do go back to your brother’s house, goodcatholic, I’d make a joke that last time you came, you had to clean up 15 years of weeds. Will it be the same this time? I think you two need to find a way to joke about it, and then maybe you can forgive him.
 
Maybe it would help to understand what forgiveness is not. It is not forgetting. If you could forget, you wouldn’t need to forgive. It’s also not necessarily reconciliation. You have every right to protect yourself, physically and emotionally.

I’ve heard it said, in these forums: forgiveness is just as much for you,
if not more, than for the one who has wronged you. Think; isn’t it better to be able to let go of a situation, than to let it eat you up inside? The person you were angry at may not even be affected!

And, you must remember that forgiveness takes time. And, with God’s help, you my just find yourself not thinking about the incident anymore. That’s forgiveness!
 
Legend said:
you my just find yourself not thinking about the incident anymore. That’s forgiveness!
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With all your respect, I think you’ve just contradicted yourself from your opening sentence. If one is not thinking of the incident, that’s forgetting.
One cannot change what has happened in the past, what one can change is how one’s view the situation. So true forgiveness is when one has changed one’s attitude towards it, so that even if one thinks about it, it does not evoke the emotional response.

I used to find forgiveness very hard to do, and I kind of rationalise myself what Jesus/Church teaches about mercy, thinking that it’s just an ideal from God, but very hard for humans to do. How wrong I was. During the year of Mercy (?2 years ago) someone recommended me reading the book “His name is Mercy” by Father Ken Barker. It totally changed my view on what mercy, forgiveness really entails.

Hence I would highly recommend this book.
https://www.amazon.com/His-Name-Mercy-Ken-Barker/dp/1921421452
 
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DarkLight, unless your mother is extremely old, or has a serious illness, it would be the worst thing possible for you to spend your vacation with her! Even in extreme circumstances, it may be better for you to try and get another family member or friend to look out fr her! If she tries to control you, best to love her from a distance…for now, at least. Forgiveness isn’t subjecting yourself to manipulation. Don’t let friends or family ‘guilt’ you into doing something you don’t want to do!
 
I believe I was unfairly sacked from a job I had been doing for ten years. I never had a day of sick, I did a lot of the jobs other people seemed afraid to do, caring for people with challenging behaviour.

To help me overcome my anger, I have done about fifteen hundred hours of voluntary work for the people who sacked me. At minimum wages I have probably given them about £10,000 of my time. Every now and then, I come into contact with the people responsible for my sacking.

I say it is easier for me to do fifteen hundred hours of voluntary work, rather than to hold onto any anger.

My belief is, that the person who is able to forgive, gains more than the transgressor who is forgiven. I believe it is important to forgive, even if the other person does not say sorry.

Holding onto anger eats away at you. Anger is like picking up a burning coal, with the intention of throwing it at the person who angers you, and the person who gets burned the most is you. The longer you hold onto the burning coal of anger the hotter it becomes.
 
What I meant was, if we could totally erase something from our mind, as if it never happened, forgiveness would not be necessary. I know, humans aren’t capable of this, but, with God’s help, we can get to the point where we hardly ever think about it. Sorry if I was vague. The book you recommend does look interesting. I’ll take a better look t it, probably tomorrow. Thank you for sharing it.
 
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