I really, really need your input

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sherilo

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Hi you guys,

I really need help. I can’t go to my own family because, obviously, they would be biased. I can’t go to my husband’s family even though they are devout Catholics because that would be a breach of trust, and I don’t believe one should discuss their husband problems with his family. I work full time and am a family centered person so I don’t have any “girlfriends” and my friends at work are not godly. So, I have no one to validate (or unvalidate) my views. I feel really stuck. After 13 years of marriage, my husband still seems to lament the fact that he thought he was ready for marriage and children at 23. Shortly afteward, he began to lament the fact that he had not done enough partying or whatever. He is 37, now, and still feels the same. In the past year, I have found God again, and He wants me to be Catholic. I had always realized that we needed to do more family oriented things, but now that realization cannot be ignored. We were just having a discussion about how I feel that we should do more things of a family type nature instead of just doing things with people ( some have kids, some don’t) who don’t do anything unless it involves how much beer one can consume. It just so happens that these “friends” are friends that he has procured. And he is right there with them on the mission to consume mass quantities. I was naming a certain group of people who I find it increasingly difficult to be around because it is easy to lose oneself while there. Also, I don’t feel that overexposure to these people is good for our bright eyed, bushytaled, impressionable, impulsive daughter. I was just trying to say that we need a more balanced group of activities. That is when he took it personally, and made the statement that I need to know what you think of. He said that he was not going to put his life on hold just because he has a kid. I realize that women and men are completely different, and he doesn’t possess the maternal instincts that I do. But, when one is married with children, is that not your life, with everything else being secondary? This is not the first time we have had a discussion like this, and it is always me who ends up the “stick in the mud” or the “cramp in the style.” He tells me that if I don’t like it, that I can just stay home. And he feels like I have attacked him. I realize that I may be depending too heavily on my husband for my entertainment and he has told me that many times. I am working hard at finding other things to do, but I am very uncomfortable with the different directions that we may be taking. We are not on the same page, and I am afraid that if I stop following him and follow my inclinations, and do find other things to do that we will cease to be. I think that his statement says much that I may not even be understanding. On the whole, we have a fairly decent and close marriage, but this issue always comes up. And I feel like I have to eat a lot of stuff in order to keep the peace. I truly feel like the end is inevitable, and it is just a matter of time. I truly feel that if I keep this up, that I won’t like him anymore at all. I really need some (name removed by moderator)ut from both men and wormen.

Thanks,
Sherilo
 
Wow. My advice: Go to a licensed and reputable counselor. Both of you together. Part of the problem may also be with the method of communication. The method of communication may be what is triggering this endless cycle that deteriorates in hard feelings and bitterness between you.

Your concerns are valid, but just my gut feelings tell me that there is more going on than this issue with your hubby and yourself.

A counselor will meet with you both, and perhaps with both of you separately. He or she may dig deeper into your husband’s issues to see why he feels the need to be a party animal after all this time. He may also meet with you to see if you are really dependent on him exclusively for your companionship and socializing needs. He or she can give you good, sound advice. Above all, you both will be able to learn effective means of communication to help avoid all these hard feelings and discussions that break down between you.
 
I hope I read your post well enough. It sounds like you want a more stable family life for your family.
Just remember that you never have to go anywhere or do anything that you feel will endanger you or your children’s safety and well-being. You should never compromise your children’s moral developement in any way.

I like to recall a little story my mother once told me about the first few years of marriage to my father. Both my parents were cradle Catholics and after a very brief courtship they were married. My mother quickly learned that her husband wasn’t the best of Catholics or Christians for that matter. She was determined to do what she felt was best. For several years she dressed herself up and the kids for church and went alone. Eventually my father felt the happiness and joy in my mother coming and going to the ‘right’ places and soon he followed.

Stick up your chin and get going! God is with when you do what is right. Who else could harm you if God is with you. God Bless.
 
Counselors can be helpful, or fatal, to your marriage.

I suggest if you get a counselor, preferably one who has been recommended to you by a family doctor, friend, or maybe at Catholic Charities if available in you area, you get prepared.

Make a list of your points of contention, points of agreement, and ground rules. Some counselors, for example, are quick to suggest separation as a remedy or therapy, and you need to agree up front that you are not looking at this sort of solution.

Also it helps to put into writing any ideas you have about what you expect from the therapy, and enlist the counselor to help keep it on track to support those goals. Even with good counselors, if you go in open-ended it can be enlightening but can turn into a stagnant routine of going off on whatever tangent strike your mind, then suddenly your time is up.

Alan
 
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sherilo:
He said that he was not going to put his life on hold just because he has a kid. I realize that women and men are completely different, and he doesn’t possess the maternal instincts that I do. But, when one is married with children, is that not your life, with everything else being secondary?
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This is not a women vs. men issue. You do need to look into counseling. I am a divorced father of one. My child is the most important thing in my life next to God. I repeat this is not a women vs. men issue. This needs to be addressed. The lack of respect for you needs to be addressed as well. I do not intend to be harsh. I am sorry in advance If I sound harsh but he needs to wake up.
 
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Aesq:
This is not a women vs. men issue. You do need to look into counseling. I am a divorced father of one. My child is the most important thing in my life next to God. I repeat this is not a women vs. men issue. This needs to be addressed. The lack of respect for you needs to be addressed as well. I do not intend to be harsh. I am sorry in advance If I sound harsh but he needs to wake up.
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I agree it is not women v. men.

He thinks he’s going to miss some of life. Maybe he’s starting to realize how fast the years roll by, and all the fads and cultures he missed out on.

He may even love his son, but at the same time resent him because the responsibility takes away his fantasies to live any given lifestyle at any given time. With all the focus on personal entertainment and comfort these days, it’s easy to become confused over responsibility to others when it conflicts with indulging personal desires. Of course he’s not here to defend himself, but this is what it sounds like right off the bat.

He needs to learn how to be entertained while carrying out responsibility. Refer to lyrics for Mary Poppin’s Spoonful of Sugar; she knew how to teach kids to enjoy their work.

Alan
 
Hi to you all,

Thanks for your replies. Joint counseling is not an option for us. He will not go. He has said that he knows what they will tell him. It is as if he knows what the right thing to do is, he is just not willing or ready to do it. It is as if he feels like he will lose something if he does. I have been to brief counseling on my own in the past. It took a lot for me to go, as there such a stigma attached to that. The insurance people want to know so much and if you are going to kill yourself soon or not. The questions make one feel crazy and feel like running. The counselor that I finally went to was not a Christian counselor, and he told me that I was not respected. I cried a lot during the visits. I quit going.
I don’t know if Jesus has given me the confidence to finally try to stand up for my beliefs and for what is right or if I am hiding behind Him to support my own feelings. My husband invalidates my feelings by saying that they are just my opinion. I have to know if there are other people out there that understand what I am trying to say. I don’t know why I need that validation, and why I can’t just be confident with my beliefs.

Thanks,
Sherilo
 
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AlanFromWichita:
I agree it is not women v. men.

He thinks he’s going to miss some of life. Maybe he’s starting to realize how fast the years roll by, and all the fads and cultures he missed out on.

He may even love his son, but at the same time resent him because the responsibility takes away his fantasies to live any given lifestyle at any given time. With all the focus on personal entertainment and comfort these days, it’s easy to become confused over responsibility to others when it conflicts with indulging personal desires. Of course he’s not here to defend himself, but this is what it sounds like right off the bat.

Alan
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The problem is alcohol. It sounds like he may be an alcoholic. He is going to have to get that **** out of his life one way or another.

The problem is he probably would vehemently deny it. All you can do is make suggestions and offer support but he has to stop drinking even if it means losing all his so-called friends!

That is my opinion.
 
I messed that reply to quote up pretty badly, Alan, but you are right on target. He is not here to defend himself, as you say, and I do have compassion for how he may be feeling. Besides his parents and me, he has no association with anyone who knows God. The pull of the world is very strong. And I am odd man out. I am now the wrench in the works.
 
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sherilo:
Hi to you all,

Thanks for your replies. Joint counseling is not an option for us. He will not go.

My husband invalidates my feelings by saying that they are just my opinion. I have to know if there are other people out there that understand what I am trying to say. I don’t know why I need that validation, and why I can’t just be confident with my beliefs.
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I can see how frustrating this situation is for you with you husband not willing to talk to a counselor or taking what you have to say seriously.

Someone earlier recommended that you follow your new-found convictions and start a return to the Church. Are you familier with the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults)? It’s a months-long serious of instruction and sharing. It was started for people who are not baptized or confirmed Catholics. You would get to know people who are more serious about their faith, and you’d have your own sponsor to help you decide for sure about being Catholic.

Do it for yourself and your child. Then, don’t depend on it, but maybe one day your husband will have a faith awakening, too. God bless!
 
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JohnPaul0:
I can see how frustrating this situation is for you with you husband not willing to talk to a counselor or taking what you have to say seriously.

Someone earlier recommended that you follow your new-found convictions and start a return to the Church. Are you familier with the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults)? It’s a months-long serious of instruction and sharing. It was started for people who are not baptized or confirmed Catholics. You would get to know people who are more serious about their faith, and you’d have your own sponsor to help you decide for sure about being Catholic.

Do it for yourself and your child. Then, don’t depend on it, but maybe one day your husband will have a faith awakening, too. God bless!
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Actually, my daughter and I will be in RCIA this fall. I have been actually praying that I will find a friend there. I was baptized Catholic, but raised Protestant. My husband is cradle Catholic, but stopped going to Mass at age 18. He has gone to Mass with us a few times since I started going with our daughter. I believe that he knows what is right. I just don’t believe that his family convictions are strong enough to respect what we are about over what he is about.
 
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sherilo:
My husband invalidates my feelings by saying that they are just my opinion. I have to know if there are other people out there that understand what I am trying to say. I don’t know why I need that validation, and why I can’t just be confident with my beliefs.
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You gave me an idea.

When my wife and I went to marriage encounter weekend, one thing I did learn is the difference between thoughts and feelings.

“I feel lonely, sad, etc.” is a feeling.

“I feel that strict discipline is the best way” or “I thought you told me something different” are thoughts, not feelings. Beliefs are not feelings, although feelings are partly shaped by beliefs.

Your feelings are not subject to second guessing by your husband, because you are closer to him about How You Feel than he is. He may have opinions on “why” you feel that way, but he cannot deny that you are sad when you are.

Maybe you want your feelings validated, so that you can understand them and possibly do something about them.

One SD used a model of the areas that fuel emotions that had three energy centers: power/control, security/comfort, and esteem/affection.

I’d say you esteem/affection is affected when he doesn’t seem to think you know what you’re talking about. Of course he thinkgs he’s smarter; that’s a given. (If he’s like me, then if he ever thought he was wrong, he’d change his mind. Therefore at any given moment I believe I am right.) Maybe you just want somebody on this planet to hear you and say that you are not alone, and that this, too, will pass. :love:

Alan
 
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sherilo:
Actually, my daughter and I will be in RCIA this fall. I have been actually praying that I will find a friend there. I was baptized Catholic, but raised Protestant.
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That’s wonderful for you and your daughter.:clapping: I’ll pray for you both.
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sherilo:
I just don’t believe that [my husband’s] family convictions are strong enough to respect what we are about over what he is about.
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You know what? Your intuition is probably right, but read on:

You’ve already decided not to let your husband’s viewpoint prevent you from going ahead with what you know is right for you, your daughter and ultimately him. I can see how much courage this will take on your part. The good news is that your display of courage will invite your husband respect you more. It really will be a good start for all of you!
 
Sherilo,

As someone who also feels alienated by her husband, and is afraid that we are drifting in 2 sifferent directions, let me give you the best peice of advice I can for your sanity and well being. Spend as much time as possible in front of the tabernacle in church. I found I was making my situation worse by complaining to people, so I turned to Jesus. (If you can’t visit Him in church, just talk to Him at home, in yuor head, or even out loud) It may sound crazy, but it works. I was giving myself permission to “feel” bad, and was able to really “talk” to someone who understands everything! Please try it!

On a more secular level, maybe if you provide a little more fun and excitement for the family, he will feel he needs to spend less time with his party buddies! Plan fun family outings on the weekends, movies and ice cream, a picnic, a day trip to someplace out of the way (pretend you are a torist in your hometown- where would you go? What would you do?) I do this with my family for one of my DH’s weeks of vacation and it is really neat! (Even if it is something the kids and I can do ourselves, he is seldem along b/c of work) Also- If possible, get a sitter and go on a romantic date. Pick out a nice quiet resuraunt(not neccesarily expensive- one you don’t go to often) Get dressed up- look GOOD! Maybe even light a few candles at night, after DS has gone to bed, create a romantic night at home- maybe rent a romantic/funny/sci-fi (wahat are his intersts?) movie, pop some popcorn turn off the lights and enjoy time alone. Complement him sincerly, (men love a good ego-stroke) Try to make time with you, and your family an attractive prospect! (Above all- be plesent- too much critiscism may make him feel resentment that you don’t care about him- if he is feeling self centered- trying to fight against the tide will likely make things worse) One last suggestion, don’t stop going out (try to keep it at a few times a month only) but perhaps you could suggest leaving early to get DS in bed at a reasonable hour (After living with a family of quasi-alcoholics, I noticed the worst episodes of drunkeness usually didn’t get really bad till after 9 or 10).

Good luck! And God Bless!
🙂
 
From the fact that you said that he doesn’t want to put his life on hold just because he has a child, and that he doesn’t want to do anything unless beer is involved, it does sound like he needs an intervention of sorts, i would talk to his parents, afterall, they know him better than he probably knows himself. At least they could talk to their pastor and get some advice, and they can pray for all of you. i think you are right to expect him to be more involved with your family, seems to me it ought to be God first, your family second and then everything else. Ask him sometime when was the last time he went to confession. I bet he hasn’t been in a good long while. He needs God in his life and I am sure he knows that. I would talk to my family too, not in a bad way about him, but just so that you don’t exclude yourself from them because of your obvious hurt and pain over this, parents have much wisdom, they have been through a lot. God bless you and your daughter in your journey, I am sure that your good example will be a great reminder to your husband of how he ought to be leading his family. I will keep all of you in my prayers too.
 
Sherilo,

I agree with the idea of counseling. Sometimes we become so focused on whether we think we are getting blamed or how to avoid being blamed for some thing in our relationship, we forget to listen to what is being said. Your parish priest (or a lay counselor) may be able to pull both of you back to the task of listening and not blaming.

I noticed you said your husband would like you to become Catholic. I would suggest you join the RCIA class at the church. I did when we had been married a little while. I was curious what my daughter would be taught when she would be enrolled in Catholic school. Now… I want to say that you are in no way obliged to convert to the Catholic faith, just because you take the class. I actually told the class I was “just attending to learn what my hubby believes in…. I *am not converting!” *Little did I know that the Holy Spirit would answer my halfhearted prayer “to open my heart and mind.” after about 8 weeks. I now say “I was Lutheran by default (not practicing) and became Catholic by choice and the Grace of God by the Holy Spirit.”

Most parishes start their classes in the fall when they start children’s Religious Education classes (RE). If you already attend church with him that is great. If not, this is good time to start. There should be lots of more family oriented activities available there. Both he and you should be able to diversify your list of friends. My husband joined the Knights of Columbus and I joined the Columbiettes, the ladies auxiliary of the K of C and the music ministry for the RE kids. These are family-oriented groups. If your hubby sees you looking at the RCIA class and getting involved in parish, he might be willing to dispense with at least part of the ‘Conehead’ mentality of consuming mass quantities of beer, and join in with you.

I would how ever discourage you from picking him as a sponsor. I would never have become Catholic if my hubby had been my sponsor, LOL. If you are close with and trust any one from your family of in-laws, then one of them might be honored to be ‘it’. If not ask the parish to help you find one, a great way to make new like-minded friends. The reason I say don’t pick your hubby is that you need someone not so close to you to ask those “pointed” questions to. A stranger will most likely tell you more freely than your hubby, and if you disagree, the disagreements will not carry into the home… meaning you don’t have to live the sponsor.

So I wish you good luck, and I will pray for you on your journey. If you have any other questions feel free to ask. Try asking the Holy Spirit to guide you, and open your heart and mind to God’s will. He can not leave that request unanswered. LOL

In His Spirit for Always,

Akpolarmom

PS. sorry for the long ramble LOL.
 
Your story is much of what I lived with for 32 years. My husband would say that if I partied and drank with him we could be “happy”. He made fun of religion although he was Catholic. As the years went on, he refused to go to church and made life so miserable for me when I went, that I gave up, unfortunately. He won. Then, when I counseled with a christian counselor, I went back to church without him. He was very angry and the marriage fell apart. My husband lost his control over me. Yes, he was alcoholic, but would not admit it. He laughed at anyone who suggested that he had a problem with alcohol. In many,many ways, it was a tremendous relief. I will never give up my faith again, for anyone.

My advice: Get good christian counseling. Talk to your family doctor, explain what is happening. Don’t talk to his family, they will most likely take his side…the old story, “blood is thicker”…Get into a support group. Go to Alanon.(sp?) Go to church with/without him and let him know that he will not have control over your soul and that of your daughter. Be firm. DON’T party with him. One partying parent is one too many for your daughter, she does not need two. Be prepared for all “hell” to break loose. I really don’t believe that your marriage is one of good communication, only “surface” communication. BIG difference! There are high and lows. In the “highs”, we are so sure that he/she is going to change, we are sooo happy. Then, it starts all over again. I was to blame for all his unhappiness. If he didn’t have me and the children, his life would be" wonderful" and he would be “somebody”. My husband was also unfaithful. This often goes with the territory. Most of all, realize that you or your child do not ever deserve to be abused, physically or mentally!! Verbal abuse can be more harmful that physical abuse. Don’t be afraid to cry through your counseling…that can help you heal.

I will pray for you tonight.

Love and Peace
 
I may have mis-read your post…He wants you to be Catholic??? Sounds as though you are a better “Catholic” than he is. However, the rest of my advice still stands. You may not be able to please him whether you are Catholic or not. This is all part of the drinking problem. Do continue with all your participation in church. It will only help. Don’t be surprised if he eventually does not go to church at all himself…

Love and peace
 
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sherilo:
. That is when he took it personally, and made the statement that I need to know what you think of. He said that he was not going to put his life on hold just because he has a kid.
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I can sympathize with your pain over this. My ex used to say he had “wasted” a day when he spent it with our sons and me. That was very painful.
He’s immature, but you have God on your side and He is powerful.
I am afraid that if I stop following him and follow my inclinations, and do find other things to do that we will cease to be. I think that his statement says much that I may not even be understanding. On the whole, we have a fairly decent and close marriage, but this issue always comes up. I truly feel like the end is inevitable, and it is just a matter of time.
Thanks,
Sherilo
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It’s unclear in what way you have a decent and close marriage, unless that comment he made is not typical of him. People sometimes say things they don’t really mean.
You should follow God as He leads you, but not lecture your husband about it. Trying to lead a godly life and be a good wife is your best bet. Making family time fun and enjoyable may work, although if he has a drinking problem he may just get antsy. But God can lead him in the right direction if you trust in Him.
I would go through RCIA, invite your husband to church with you but not make an issue of it, and when he sees your joy and peace he may wish he could share it.
God bless you.
 
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