I really, really need your input

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PLEASE go to catholictherapists.com !!!

All therapists on that site are faithful to Church teaching. Please go for YOURSELF and YOUR DAUGHTER. Go for your own peace of mind and sanity. Tears are healing. Remember that “Jesus wept.”
 
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martino:
The problem is alcohol. It sounds like he may be an alcoholic. He is going to have to get that **** out of his life one way or another.

The problem is he probably would vehemently deny it. All you can do is make suggestions and offer support but he has to stop drinking even if it means losing all his so-called friends!

That is my opinion.
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Bingo - this is exactly what it sounds like to me.

This may sound wierd, but I saw a promo for Monday’s Dr. Phil show, and it deals with an immature dad who doesn’t want to face up to his responsibilities as a dad. Perhaps you could tune in and see what the good doctor has to say? Sometimes his advice is very sound.

I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but your husband has a lot of growing up to do at the very least - and an alcohol problem to boot.
 
Mom of 5:
He wants you to be Catholic??? Sounds as though you are a better “Catholic” than he is.
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I was thinking the same thing! How can he expect you to became Catholic when he refuses to live his faith?

Sherilo, thank God for the graces he has given you as you and your daughter take this journey together. You certainly couldn’t have taken such an interest in Catholicism based upon your husband’s behavior as a “Catholic.”

Put him to task and challenge him to live the faith he so greatly wants you to be a part of. He shouldn’t be so worried about the party life he has missed in his younger adult years. He should be focussed on his and his family’s eternal life with God! Show him what the church teaches about drunkeness. Ask him how long he plans to play catch-up with the partying or is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of our lives… I should stop typing. I’m thinking I’m starting to give you advise on how to pick a fight. Let him know that you’ll pray for him.
 
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spanky:
I should stop typing.
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:rotfl:
I’ve thought that countless times about myself, but as you can see I usually don’t listen to my own advice. 😛

Alan
 
Mom of 5:
I may have mis-read your post…He wants you to be Catholic??? Sounds as though you are a better “Catholic” than he is. However, the rest of my advice still stands. You may not be able to please him whether you are Catholic or not. This is all part of the drinking problem. Do continue with all your participation in church. It will only help. Don’t be surprised if he eventually does not go to church at all himself…

Love and peace
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I’m sorry if I was unclear. I said that I was looking for God again and **He (God) **wants me to be Catholic.
Since I have embarked on this journey, my husband has been going to Mass with us sometimes and credits me for bringing him back. I know it is not me, but the work of the Holy Spirit.

He does want us with him when we go and do things. I think the problem lies with the fact that I seem to be no longer willing to do as much and am trying to pull away from some of it. In retrospect, and after reading some of the posts, I realize that I have been going about it the wrong way. Keeping in mind that we don’t always hear what the other person intends to say, the whole men are from Mars, women are from Venus thing, I should not have said anything about the people themselves. I guess he may perceive that as a personal attack on his friends. Instead, I should just do what I am going to do, that being politely decline if I don’t want to go, and find something else to do. Also, I should continue with my plans for RCIA for our daughter and myself. Also, I love the idea of planning something different for us to do. And Alan,
thank you for what you posted regarding what you learned in the marriage encounter. You were dead on.
 
I thank you all for your prayers and support. It is wonderful to have you out there. Having tried it, I agree with Alan wrt counseling. Also, being a more private person, I don’t do the face to face thing very well. One helpful person mentioned adoration. I have never done that, and think now that I will do that, not just when the road gets bumpy, but to stay focused. Thank you all, again.

Sherilo
 
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sherilo:
I’m sorry if I was unclear.
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Given your expanded explanation, I’d like to suggest something I suggested to another poster, the Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Chapman.

I went to a workshop on this at our Spiritual Life Center, which added a mild Catholic slant. It was amazing to see as a whole room full of couples considered things they wish they knew years ago, and looked at each other with new love and understanding, right there before the end of the day.

The gist is that different people show their love in different ways, and different people have different expectations on what others should do to show love.

For example, maybe your wife doesn’t seem to appreciate all your hard work and kind words to her. Maybe coming home with a rose or a favorite beverages can speak more to her than any amount of understanding words. For others, a kind word is what they most want to hear, and gifts are superficial.

The five languages are:
Words of affirmation
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Acts of service
Physical touch

If one spouse speaks one language and the other speaks a different one, they can live their whole lives trying to please each other and never realize the other one is doing that too.

Alan
 
sherilo,

In addition to marital counciling, I would recommend the the two of you speak with your pastor, and pray about it together.
  1. Drunkeness is a sin according to the Catholic Church.
  2. The primary purpose of marriage is the raising of children, according to the Catholic Church.
So, I’d say your husband can use some good 'ole fashioned spiritual advice from his pastor.

I’m a father myself, and every father ought to realize that you don’t need maternal instincts to know that you have paternal obligations that trump one’s selfish desires.
 
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itsjustdave1988:
sherilo,

In addition to marital counciling, I would recommend the the two of you speak with your pastor, and pray about it together.
  1. Drunkeness is a sin according to the Catholic Church.
  2. The primary purpose of marriage is the raising of children, according to the Catholic Church.
So, I’d say your husband can use some good 'ole fashioned spiritual advice from his pastor.

I’m a father myself, and every father ought to realize that you don’t need maternal instincts to know that you have paternal obligations that trump one’s selfish desires.
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Thank you, Dave and I appreciate what you are saying. However, my husband and I are not on the same spiritual page at this point. And I think part of my problem is that I am impatient for him to grow more in that respect.So, in the past, I have had the tendency to hang back some by putting off RCIA, hangin with him and not making sure that I go to bed early enough on Saturday for Mass on Sunday, etc. But, I see that is not the way, and have since made the committment to move forward with God. My husband is not of the mind right now to seek spiritual advice, but he was not even attending Mass before I started going, so God willing, he may grow spiritually.

Sherilo
 
Alan,

That book looks wonderful, and seems to make a lot of sense. I guess it all boils down to communication. How great to be able to say something and actually be understood, and to understand what someone is saying to us. And I must say, my husband and I do speak different languages. That much I do know. Thanks for the link, and I plan to get that book.

Sherilo
 
Sherilo,

I didn’t take the time to read all of the replies so forgive me if I am repeating what has been said here.

Without knowing the whole dynamic and only hearing your side of the story, I am guessing your husband has a drinking problem. I can recall, and any counselor can rebutt this or not, that people who are alcoholic tend to stagnate on maturity. I have witnessed this so I think it is true.

At this point, your husband should be past the partying phase of his life. To me, it has nothing to do with being Catholic, Buddhist, or Hindu. Yet, because he somehow regrets not partying it up and missing out, he continues to consume large quanities of beer as a way to relive his adolescence??. The two qualities - drinking and immaturity play off of each other creating a viscious circle of fueling one another…

I was married at 25 and sometimes I think that was young. However, I did all my partying in college and it was pretty much over at age 21.

I don’t miss or crave those days. I have moved on and grown up.

This is just a hunch.

Unfortunately,in my opinion, he needs a father, uncle, older brother or friend to tell him that he is acting like a knucklehead, knock him upside the head (sorry ladies, forgive me, Lord), and tell him to grow up and stop drinking. A pastor could be the figure to do this but it would have to be a strong male figure, just a hunch. No message you send will ever be good enough - he will continually question to the medium (you), not the message.

He will think anything you are saying is “nagging” or “oh, that’s just sherilo’s way of trying to be a stick in the mud…”

Getting a strong male figure on your side, IMO, will be your best hope.

Sorry my prognosis is so grim. This is the best advice I can give and the best opinion on the one paragraph you wrote.

Good luck.
 
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Scanner:
Unfortunately,in my opinion, he needs a father, uncle, older brother or friend to tell him that he is acting like a knucklehead, knock him upside the head (sorry ladies, forgive me, Lord), and tell him to grow up and stop drinking. A pastor could be the figure to do this but it would have to be a strong male figure, just a hunch. No message you send will ever be good enough - he will continually question to the medium (you), not the message.

He will think anything you are saying is “nagging” or “oh, that’s just sherilo’s way of trying to be a stick in the mud…”

Getting a strong male figure on your side, IMO, will be your best hope.
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These are good hunches, and may be useful.

I’d like to add, though, that you don’t let him know that you are looking toward others as a “male figure” and that you do not let him know that you are “siding” with another male outside the family, because that challenges his entire role in life and could backfire. Who knows? Maybe it would be a good wakeup call if he is perceptive enough to realize you don’t consider him a male authority. He probably thinks the authority comes automatically with the title, and can never be lost due to poor behavior. Hopefully he will wake up without having it done the hard way.

Alan
 
HI…You have already been given good advice. I, too, would urge you to seek counseling. However, as someone has already pointed out, you should be careful about choosing a counselor…Catholic Social Services is a good source, as would be your parish or family doctor.
**Your concern for the atmosphere your daughter is in is commendable…Children are so impressionable. They often take their social cues from their parents. **
**Your husband sounds very immature to me. Twelve years of marriage and fatherhood, and he is STILL focused on having “fun” with his drinking buddies, at the expense of his family like. **
**You are right to be concerned about the activities your family engages in…and the fact that most of them involve lots of drinking. Sounds very unhealthy for all of you. **
**It is quite possible that your husband will resist counseling. Do NOT let that stop you from seeking help. Find someone you can trust, and GO. **
I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Sherilo, have you heard of St. Monica?

She was a devout Christian, but her son, Augustine, was much more interested in the pagan “party world”. She prayed constantly for him for THIRTY YEARS. Finally her prayers were answered and he became, not only one of our greatest saints, but also a Doctor of the Church. Read “The Confessions of St. Augustine”… it’s an eye opener!

In other words, pray without ceasing. Take St. Monica as your patron and ask her to pray for you and your husband as well. She knows your pain and frustration… she was there!

I will pray for you both as well.

BlueRose
 
Sherilo,
Sorry about the ranting in my previous post. I was actually expressing what brought me closer to the church - my non Catholic wife. She challenged me on Marian devotion, Papal authority, Church Traditions, Salvation, etc. It was a wakeup call for me. Not only was I unable to properly answer her questions, it became ever more clear to me that I was not living my faith and attending Mass regularly. And I wanted her to convert! Some example of a Catholic *I *was! :rolleyes:

I know you’re considering RCIA which hopefully will provide a proper introduction to Catholicism. However, may I suggest you ask him what his understanding is on certain topics. Ask him if he thinks he’ll go to heaven when he dies…and why pray to Mary when you can just pray directly to God…and why does the Catholic Church follow all of these “traditions of men” that are not mentioned in the bible…

Maybe this will cause him to seek the answers to your questions. While doing so he’ll certainly stumble upon sources which provide authentic Catholic teaching. Perhaps he’ll then learn how extremely important it is to attend Mass weekly…and how sinful the partying lifestyle is…etc.
 
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spanky:
Sherilo,
Maybe this will cause him to seek the answers to your questions. While doing so he’ll certainly stumble upon sources which provide authentic Catholic teaching. Perhaps he’ll then learn how extremely important it is to attend Mass weekly…and how sinful the partying lifestyle is…etc.
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Spanky,

Actually, I think he knows what is regarded as sinful. But, one must accept the authority before we allow it to affect our behaviour. I think that is why he chose not to be confirmed when it was time to ( in high school). He even says that he is not in the same place as I am spiritually. To be able to say that shows that one is aware of what he or she should be doing, but chooses not to at this time.
That is one thing that I really don’t understand, either. When I started this journey, I was plagued with guilt because I was not providing our daughter with any religious upbringing. I could not ignore it. Also, this particular problem in this thread caused me to move closer and closer to God. Now, He does not let me get away with much. He is right there pinging my conscience. Why does He ping some people and not others?
 
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bluerose:
Sherilo, have you heard of St. Monica?

She was a devout Christian, but her son, Augustine, was much more interested in the pagan “party world”. She prayed constantly for him for THIRTY YEARS. Finally her prayers were answered and he became, not only one of our greatest saints, but also a Doctor of the Church. Read “The Confessions of St. Augustine”… it’s an eye opener!

In other words, pray without ceasing. Take St. Monica as your patron and ask her to pray for you and your husband as well. She knows your pain and frustration… she was there!

I will pray for you both as well.

BlueRose
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Hi,

Yes, I have read of St. Monica. I have not really come to the place where I am comfortable asking for intercession. I have done it once, though, and was to St. Monica. I am leaving my heart open for the time in which I will be able to comfortably embrace the idea of asking for intercession.

Sherilo
 
What is it with grown-ups partying? I just don’t get the appeal. Whether or not he has to put his life on hold because he has kids really misses the issue. Kids or no kids, he ought to be able to find more productive and less destructive interests than making himself sick with alcohol. Unfortunately, it sounds like you guys are on two different roads, yours headed to heaven and his headed off a cliff…

Nonetheless, it’s a road you are going to have to travel together. Keep plugging away, praying, and keep a good example for him and your daughter. Hopefully he’ll grow up.

Be prepared to suffer on your journey. It is going to be a tough road. Offer the sufferings up to share in the sufferings of our Lord.

Sometimes the best thing that can happen to someone like your husband is for him to fall flat on his face. Sometimes it takes something like that for him to want to change.

God bless you guys
 
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pittsburghjeff:
Be prepared to suffer on your journey. It is going to be a tough road. Offer the sufferings up to share in the sufferings of our Lord.

Sometimes the best thing that can happen to someone like your husband is for him to fall flat on his face. Sometimes it takes something like that for him to want to change.

God bless you guys
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You are right. I see that is going to be a tough road. I must get better at offering it up.

You also may be right about some people having to fall. He even said once that he hopes that it does not take something drastic to make him come around. I hope not, also.

Sherilo
 
sherilo–You might consider reading books by Gregory Popcak who is a Catholic counselor. His books are frequently recommended by the Catholic Answers apologists and the books are available from Amazon.com (and probably similar other sources). His books include “A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage” and “God Help Me…These People are Making Me Crazy”.
 
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