I think I'm done trying to reconcile with my family

[His_helpmeet]

You may need to remember that “no” is a complete sentence. Just be a broken record.

“That doesn’t work for me.”
“But WHYYY?”
“It just doesn’t work for me.” [Change subject.]
“But WHYYY?”
“Listen. I told you it doesn’t work for me. If you don’t drop it, I am ending this conversation.”
“But WHYYY?”
“I already warned you. Good-bye.” [Leave or hang up, or refuse to answer further texts or emails.]

 

[DarkLight]

The danger I’m worried about is more things like showing up and making a fuss at work or contacting other people to try to figure out what’s wrong with me. I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if they tried to start an intervention on the assumption that I must be having mental health problems. And my mother tends to be very good at being the concerned parent who just wants to help.

I think she does believe it, in her own way. It’s just that to her the only right way is the one where I allow her to behave however she wants without any criticism. Only she knows what is best for me.

 

[StephieNorthCo]

One thing to consider. Once you are an adult, on your own, the nature and meaning of being a concerned parent takes on a new meaning.

I have one older sister who was attempting to be “a concerned parent” to me, in my 60s. I eventually had to break that off… too toxic.

 

[DarkLight]

Yeah that’s kind of where I am. I have an old thread on here, 4 years ago, talking about “act like an adult and you’ll be treated like one.” That’s often where the rub is, with families like mine - you don’t deserve to be treated like an adult until you meet the standard the parent sets for being an adult.

That aside, I’ve found when speaking to others it’s easy to use the fact that I have a history of mental illness (really not surprising) as a reason to be the concerned parent. And that’s often been her line; that since I’m saying crazy things I must not be in my right state of mind and she needs to take over.

 

[Sarcelle]

Do your coworkers, friends and acquaintances know about your mother?

You may want to inform them before she contacts them and she tries to pull a concerned mother act on them. Forewarned is forearmed.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Sadly I’ve heard of cases where this HAS happened. Standard advice:

1. If they show up at your work you can tell them this isn’t the time or the place. You may need to alert your boss that they could do this so that your boss could help ensure they are not allowed to see you.
2. Lock your doors when you’re home. If they have a spare key, change the locks. If they show up on your doorstep, remember that you don’t have to answer the door or let them in. If they won’t leave, you call the police and tell them you have people trespassing.
3. Don’t allow them to get you into an “intervention”. You’re an adult. You have the right to draw healthy boundaries. An invitation is not a summons. If you think they’re inviting you into a trap, you can simply decline the invitation. All you have to say is “That doesn’t work for me.” (Not a lie. It doesn’t work for you. They don’t need to know why.)
4. If they start bringing other people into it, you can just tell those people that your issues with your family aren’t their concern and change the subject. If they won’t drop it, you can inform them that you’re going to end the conversation.

 

[guanophore]

I’m not even sure what we’d be reconciling to, anymore. I feel like my mother’s always pushing to reconcile to this sort of idealized image in her head of a happy relationship - and image I upheld as a kid to avoid “backtalk” or “bad attitude.” I’m not a child and we can’t go back and start over and do it right. I don’t feel at this point that there’s enough of a real, healthy relationship there to repair. I would be happy if we each went about our lives on our own.

You make a good point. None of us can “go back”, but we can certainly start over and do it right - every day. I grant you that it would be much easier, in many cases, for us to each go our own way when it comes to family members. Sometimes it is necessary. But we must keep in mind that we did not choose our families. God placed us each in the family that was most suited to our sanctification.

Most of the time, the default assumption seems to be that anyone not on good terms with their parents must be selfish or immature.

This is sometimes the case, but in relationship, all involved must participation in order for reconciliation to occur. This is why the Apostle teaches us:

“If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:18

You are responsible for acting in love, but if others choose not to do so, you have no control over that.

I don’t know what the path forward is going to look like.

Nor do any of us!

I’ve had years of therapy and never saw it did any good.

You don’t know how much worse it would be!

 

[TheLittleLady]

I would like to know that my faith community will support me, but I suspect I can count on few to understand.

There are different levels of friendship inside a faith community. For me, I am very involved, employed by the Parish even, yet there are few people in the parish who are my intimate friends.

For most part, I’d imagine when your family of origin/mom comes up in conversation, the reply “we are not that close. So, have you been to that new bakery downtown?” will be a perfectly fine answer.

ETA. And I just want to say that I admire the heck out of you. You are one of the most thoughtful folks on this board. If you went to my parish, I’d hope we would be friends.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Honestly, I would be careful who you list as your “Emergency Contact” or “next of kin”. Do you have a friend to whom you can give a medical power of attorney? Emergencies happen, best to prepare for them.

It is perfectly okay to not tell them where you live, to change your phone number (or to get a second phone that you use for “life” and a number that only they have). It is also okay to start looking for a job across the country or overseas to put some distance on your side.

 

[DarkLight]

Honestly, I would be careful who you list as your “Emergency Contact” or “next of kin”. Do you have a friend to whom you can give a medical power of attorney? Emergencies happen, best to prepare for them.

It is perfectly okay to not tell them where you live, to change your phone number (or to get a second phone that you use for “life” and a number that only they have). It is also okay to start looking for a job across the country or overseas to put some distance on your side.

I’m working on that. It’s a bit of a long process and I’m probably being overly nervous about asking. Medical power of attorney, I’m also aware that there’s another document that gives them control in case of one’s death. Not a will but something that basically puts a certain person in charge of your funeral. I have stopped listing them as my emergency contact, but there’s going to be some job preparation before I can fully change up some things.

 

[guanophore]

It can be hard to not feel like if you’re not good enough for your family unless you pretend to be someone else, you’re not good enough for anyone else either.

This is so true! God intended that we be cherished by the families into which we were born. It is there that we are to learn about the unconditional love of God. However, human failings and the work of the devil can interfere with His plan, so that we end up feeling this way.

Therapy can be iffy, I suspect for rather the same reasons it tends to fail with abusive marriage relationships.

A good therapist with the right training will recognize what you are describing as a toxic situation. You are right, though, that some therapists can fail to pick up on this, to the great detriment to the client.

Got a lot of advice on how to fix relationships from therapists before I figured out you can’t fix a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to fix it.

I am sorry that the therapists did not explain this at the start!

Thought for a long time I was just doing it wrong.

Where we always have room for improvement, and it is most efficacious for us to focus on ourselves, rather than others, clearly it is possible to do everything “right” and still not be able to reconcile with a toxic person.

 

[guanophore]

We do not have to live with toxic people.

On the contrary, there are many people that don’t have a choice. Some are minors that are unable to escape, and some cannot escape because they are not able to be materially independent for a variety of reasons.

If we continue to relate to them as they see fit, we enable them in their sin.

Yes, I agree with this. It is better to set the boundaries, let them get angry, and deal with the rejection.

Yes. The way I heard it put - as far as the other person is concerned, the only problem is that you’re standing up to them. The relationship was great for them before that! That’s what they want to go back to.

Family systems strive toward homeostasis. Homeostasis for some families is a toxic state. For that reason, they put pressure upon the person in the system who is trying to be healthy and create boundaries. Narcissitic persons will always interpret setting limits as a personal insult.

Honestly my big worry right now is that if I’m not in enough contact they tend to go into overdrive trying to figure out “what’s wrong.”

An unhealthy system needs a scapegoat. If you are not available to provide a target, then the dysfunctional dynamic will be thrown into imbalance and anxiety will result. Depending upon the degree of dysfunction, no excuse for lack of contact will suffice. You could tell them you have entered the priesthood, and it would still not be sufficient.

 

[DarkLight]

We do not have to live with toxic people.

I think what @Sarcelle means here is “we are not morally obligated to live with toxic people.” Not that some people don’t end up in situations where they don’t have other options, but that it’s not sin for those who are able to make the choice to avoid toxic individuals.

 

[guanophore]

The danger I’m worried about is more things like showing up and making a fuss at work or contacting other people to try to figure out what’s wrong with me. I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if they tried to start an intervention on the assumption that I must be having mental health problems.

This is a very real concern, and happens more often than many realize. Perhaps the best protection is to send them a certified letter, or a notarized letter so it can be documented that you are 1) not crazy 2) have been in contact with them 3) that you have set reasonable limits. The next step is a restraining order, which is pretty drastic, but has protected some people from intrusive family members trying to sabotage them at their place of employment.

 

[DarkLight]

I think it will be unwise to formally cut off contact while still living somewhat nearby. So that’s going to be a bit of a long-term project. Right now…I’m not really trying to patch things up, but I’m keeping enough contact to give the appearance of some normality.

 

[oldgraymare2]

In an ideal world yes. But when dealing with toxic personalities, that is not always possible.
Sometimes it is better to cut ties completely, an opinion that has been confirmed to me by a priest.

The same for me, too.

Sometimes despite your own very best attempts at trying to salvage a relationship, you are unable to do it.

In my own situation, the others involved were unwilling and uncooperative.

 

[oldgraymare2]

It can be hard to not feel like if you’re not good enough for your family unless you pretend to be someone else, you’re not good enough for anyone else either. Therapy can be iffy, I suspect for rather the same reasons it tends to fail with abusive marriage relationships. Got a lot of advice on how to fix relationships from therapists before I figured out you can’t fix a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to fix it. Thought for a long time I was just doing it wrong.

Its hard to not worry about what other people think. And I suspect it’s harder for people with toxic parents.

I remember saying something to someone once, who felt that I should put up with my Mom’s abusive nature “because she was my Mom.”

She was truly shocked when I told her that I didn’t have to take/tolerate that kind of behavior, parent or not.

 

[Lee1]

I agree with everyone who has said anything like you should move on from this situation etc for the usual human reasons why people say such things, me included, but there is another way to look at this. The religious way.

So someone mentioned that God places us in such families for our own spiritual good. From that point of view …what action/actions would achieve the best possible spiritual value from this situation?

The answer to that will be slightly biased I suppose and subjective but worth thinking about if you take your relationship with God seriously.

The flesh would tell me to leave, become an independent and stronger individual and move on to an autonomous future.

The spirit might tell me though that there is far greater gain to be had from continuing with the present situation. The ability to love, compassion, endurance, perseverance, patience, empathy, all under pressure. Wow. Actually. Imagine someone with the inner strength necessary in choosing to continue voluntarily with such a relationship with cheer and love in their hearts, strong in the knowledge that every thorn felt was a step nearer sainthood.

I’m sure someone will mention that I’m condoning masochism or something awful like staying in an abusive relationship and appeasing an abuser. Which reminds me of how Jesus could have escaped death several times but didn’t. It’s always how we choose to see things and a personal choice.

 

[Sarcelle]

It’s a mixed bag.

As I said before, we are not morally obligated to stay with toxic people. When I mean toxic, I mean toxic. There is some degree of pathology involved. I am not talking about merely unpleasant people here.

Associating yourself with merely unpleasant people and bearing them with grace may mean spiritual growth. Associating yourself with pathological people can and will kill your faith and can break your spirit.

At some point, prudence should dictate what we should and can do in these situations.

 

[Sarcelle]

Jesus did try to escape death before his crucifixion.

Remember when he was preaching in his hometown of Nazareth? People were up in arms and tried not only to stone him and then throw him off a cliff?

He evaded those people.