I think I'm in love with a man who doesn't exist

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sugarmouse

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This is going to be a long post. Please bear with me. I really need advice.

My whole life, I’ve loved making up stories and acting them out. I’m an only child, so when I was a little kid, I’d come up with characters, decide what kind of personality and voice they’d have, make up stories about them and then play and have fun acting them out. What I mean by acting them out is, I’d put on voices, walk around the room, and so on. If the characters were in a fight, I’d throw some air-punches. If they hugged, I’d just kind of hug myself (since I was trying to be two characters at once). And so on. I remember playing make-believe games at school and getting frustrated when the other kids weren’t as “good” at is as me 😃

If I had a problem, I’d make up a story to work out the answer. If I ever got upset, I’d come up with stories to make me feel better. For example, if I got left out of a game at school or something, and I was upset about it when I got home, I’d come up with a story where my favourite character was also left out at school and how they dealt with it, and so on. It made me feel a lot better, realising that if I could come up with answers for fictional characters then I could do the same for myself. I also liked just making up stories for fun and thought about writing them as books someday.

Anyway, when I grew up, I didn’t completely grow out of all of it. I wouldn’t really make up stories to come up with answers to problems (I’d just go over ideas myself till I came up with something), but I still loved making up the stories.

When I was nearly 14, I was getting teased at school for being unattractive. I didn’t have a boyfriend, but all of my friends did (or at least, it seemed that way to me). Looking back, I think I was really lonely.

One night I watched a movie (I’d never seen it before) that really moved me. I don’t really want to say which one because I want to stay anonymous, and I feel like if I say the movie people who know me would recognise me from reading this (although maybe I’m just paranoid 😛 ). But it moved me to tears. It was a romantic film, about this man who in love with this woman. He’s had a really difficult life, and is an outcast from society (I don’t know, maybe I related to that feeling). I was so convinced watching the movie that he’d finally find love and be happy, but at the end, the woman he loves doesn’t love him back. He is completely heartbroken and spends the rest of his life alone.

For whatever reason, I couldn’t get the story out of my head. I kept thinking about it for days and weeks afterwards because it just bothered me so much. I almost felt like I wanted to reach into the movie world and take care of him. And almost instinctively, I started thinking, “What if she did love him, what would that look like? Or if she never met that other guy, what would have happened?” Basically, I started coming up with different stories that would give a happy ending. Again, this wasn’t anything new. I often played about with stories and made changes to them. But I couldn’t get this out of my head. I think partly it was because I had a crush on this character - he had all of the qualities of my “ideal” guy. And partly, I just enjoyed making up these stories and acting them out, where he’d get his happy ending.

Years went by. I kept coming up with these stories in my free time and acting them out for fun. Again, nothing new from what I’d done all my life. The stories got more complex, like whole complete narratives (I even wrote some down, in case I might want to publish them). Still fine. But I started thinking that my feelings for this fictional guy were getting too much. I wondered, what happens if the man I want to marry isn’t at all like him? But I told myself, well, you like this guy and his personality so much, maybe that just means this is your “type”. There must be lots of guys in the real world who are like him, because you see them all the time in movies and tv and even real life documentaries and things like that. Maybe God’s even trying to tell you that this is exactly the kind of guy you are going to marry, and thinking out these scenarios will help you out later. For example, I might have a story where I’d imagine, what if he had a drug problem, and invent how the woman he loved would help him through it. I guess I figured, if my real husband had an issue (preferably not drugs, though), now I knew how to work through it all.

But then I’d have these terrible moments where I’d imagine what it’d be like to be married, and just as I was imagining what my husband would be like, I’d get an image of this fictional character, and this sudden ache of pain at the thought that when I was married, it wouldn’t be to him. I wouldn’t be able to take care of him.

I’m scared now, quote frankly. I’m scared I’ve just spent the last seven years slowly killing my future marriage. I’m scared I’m never going to be able to stop thinking about him. They’re not even really sexual thoughts. It’s just this feeling that I want to look after him. Now, if I do indeed find that my future husband really is like him (not in looks, obviously, but personality etc.) then I might be okay. But if he’s not? What if I can’t stop thinking about him when I’m married? I don’t want to be THAT wife who can’t even love her husband properly because she’s thinking about someone else.

I’ve told myself to stop all these stories about him. It’s been several days now. Most of the time I’m fine. But when I get lonely, especially at night, I still feel like all I want to do is just go back into this fantasy where I can take care of him. Maybe I just want to feel needed and accepted, I don’t know, but I’m not sure whether this is going to go away in time.

I need advice please. I also wouldn’t mind advice on how to confess all of this, because I realise I’ve been creating a romantic idol for years in my mind, and I don’t know where to begin explaining this to a priest.
 
I would just say get a new hobby I used to have crushes on fictional characters but they have faded away by a lot. Find something you are really interested in (that is beneficial like reading about geography) and stick with it. When this guy comes up just go to your hobby. It will take time. I used to have crushes on Mrs Trunchbull, Zinnia Wormwood from Matilda and Lunchlady Doris from the Simpsons sometimes I think of these women and even watch the movie Matilda but my feelings have faded a lot. Maybe you should make some new guy friends.
 
realtiger said:
I would just say get a new hobby I used to have crushes on fictional characters but they have faded away by a lot. Find something you are really interested in (that is beneficial like reading about geography) and stick with it. When this guy comes up just go to your hobby. It will take time. I used to have crushes on Mrs Trunchbull, Zinnia Wormwood from Matilda and Lunchlady Doris from the Simpsons sometimes I think of these women and even watch the movie Matilda but my feelings have faded a lot. Maybe you should make some new guy friends.
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Lunchlady Doris? Really?

I’ve always carried a flame for Selma. Or maybe Thelma. Either one warms the cockles of my heart.
 
sugarmouse said:
This is going to be a long post. Please bear with me. I really need advice.
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Here’s my advice: put your imagination down on paper. Find an editor. Sell your book(s). If you’ve got that vocation, take advantage of it. 🙂
 
In terms of confession, you could put it in an old-fashioned way of lacking custody of your imagination, as well as disipation, which is wasting time and energy in Catholic theology rather than drinking your life away.

It is really great that God has given you the grace to see that you have these bad habits. So often people miss their mental bad habits.

If you see your imagination as a horse, you would see it is an out-of-control, spoiled animal which has been allowed to have its own way. You need to gain control ove rthe horse so that it will serve you rather than the other way around.

And you are doing the exact right thing by not falling back into these fantasies you have had for so long. Remember that this is deeply embedded now, and be easy on yourself if you fall, just bring your mind gently back rather than getting all mad at yourself. And do not forget to pray!!!

It might be good for you to get to know people better, to be more in the company of other people, and learn to appreciate their characteristics. If you are still in school, join a club or two, or set up a study group (very helpful for studies, also!). But just pay more attention to real-life people wherever you find them.
 
You asked for advice, or I wouldn’t say this, and I mean this respectfully. You might need to see a psychologist before you begin mixing up fantasy and reality. It can happen before one realizes it, if the experiences of some of my acquaintances are true. I’m not that imaginative myself. A psychologist could give you advice on how to live happily and healthily in reality yet still use your imagination in a creative, healthy way.

As for confession to a priest, just tell him like you said it here.
 
Since you are so good at coming up with different scenarios, maybe it would help to come up with one in which this fictional character dies and then your character in this fantasy world steps into the real world you actually occupy to search for a new love.

I’m not suggesting you bring your fantasy world into reality but rather that you step out of your fantasy world into reality. I know it can be hard when you’re feeling lonely, but may I suggest that when you feel that way that, rather than slip back into fantasy, you spend your time praying to meet your real soul mate. You have something infinitely better than this dream world: you have the life God wants for you.
 
St_Francis said:
…, as well as disipation, which is wasting time and energy in Catholic theology rather than drinking your life away.
…
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gosh… I like the sound of that…🙂

OP if you are fit take up an interesting and challenging sport, long hill walking, scuba-diving, sailing. anything to occupy all your senses and meet new people your age.
 
Creativity tends to be at its strongest when we’re at our most unhappy. Why else were so many of the great artists insane? 😉 But on a serious note-- if we’re dissatisfied, it’s excellent grist for the imagination mill, although the subject of our imaginings and the subject of our dissatisfaction are not necessarily related. And all that’s okay, until it encroaches on real life.

So— you need to find something that you can throw yourself into with equal intensity. Whether it’s school, or work, or family, or a cause, or a sport, or something, you need to channel that dissatisfaction with x into something that makes a real-world difference to someone, whether it’s yourself or others. Instead of running through these imaginary relationships in your mind, you’ll find yourself turning your bra(name removed by moderator)ower to what’s in front of you-- focusing on being top of your class, focusing on a project, focusing on helping someone unfortunate, focusing on mastering a tricky move.

As you move your thoughts and your energy to things that are outside of yourself, and redirect them to other people, your efforts will (a) be more fruitful, and (b) reality will help you outgrow your fantasy life.
 
I have and still do get crushes on fictional characters at times but not as much as when I was younger. You just can not let them rule your life. I have also had relationships with real men and they have been great.
 
St_Francis said:
In terms of confession, you could put it in an old-fashioned way of lacking custody of your imagination, as well as disipation, which is wasting time and energy in Catholic theology rather than drinking your life away.

It is really great that God has given you the grace to see that you have these bad habits. So often people miss their mental bad habits.

If you see your imagination as a horse, you would see it is an out-of-control, spoiled animal which has been allowed to have its own way. You need to gain control ove rthe horse so that it will serve you rather than the other way around.

And you are doing the exact right thing by not falling back into these fantasies you have had for so long. Remember that this is deeply embedded now, and be easy on yourself if you fall, just bring your mind gently back rather than getting all mad at yourself. And do not forget to pray!!!

It might be good for you to get to know people better, to be more in the company of other people, and learn to appreciate their characteristics. If you are still in school, join a club or two, or set up a study group (very helpful for studies, also!). But just pay more attention to real-life people wherever you find them.
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👍
 
I read something about this kind of thing a while back…i dont know if its the exact same as what you are going through but google “maladaptive daydreaming” as there is plenty of websites about this including websites on how to get out of the habit of having these daydreams 🙂
 
What an interesting post! You have a real gift in your imagination, and I think it can serve you well if you can master it. As others have said, it’s great that you’re aware of and trying to fix any disorder it’s causing in your emotional life.

How do you feel about getting positive closure in your “relationship” with this dream guy? Maybe you could write him a letter thanking him for all he’s meant to you in the past. He’s kept you company, helped you prepare for different situations that might arise in your relationships, shown you what you want in a future partner, etc. Express gratitude for that. Then, say that it’s time you put that relationship behind you. You will look back at this experience with fond feelings and appreciation, but you will no longer indulge and invest so much mental energy on him. You have new personalities to explore. Then you could put the letter in an unaddressed envelope and drop it in a mailbox on the street. If you think of him (“what would he do in this situation?” “how could I help him through this?”), don’t try to totally reject that thought (“Ah! I shouldn’t be thinking about him!”). That will make things worse. Instead, acknowledge the thought, give thanks again, and try to direct your attention somewhere else.

As for reconciliation, I like the advice above about keeping it short and simple. However, if you want more concrete advice from a priest about how to move forward, you should probably schedule an appointment so you can share the context of the sin and explain why you’re concerned.

I hope this helps!
 
I used to get huge infatuations on actors/singers - infatuations that felt very real to me but obviously were not based in reality. I think many people experience this. In your case, you’ve drawn it out for a long time.

Acknowledge that it’s not real and actively stop thinking about this. If you find you are unable to do this on your own, perhaps some counseling is in order. The infatuation is natural enough, but the way you’ve let it go on for years is not. It’s also probably blocking you from having a normal relationship with a real person.
 
Well, I’d say you role-played your way into this, and it is time to role-play your way out.

You are not describing a healthy relationship.

But then I’d have these terrible moments where I’d imagine what it’d be like to be married, and just as I was imagining what my husband would be like, I’d get an image of this fictional character, and this sudden ache of pain at the thought that when I was married, it wouldn’t be to him.* I wouldn’t be able to take care of him**.*

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but you seem to be describing a co-dependent relationship in which you go out and find an “outcast,” someone no one else would want, so you can “rescue” him. You can’t break up with him, you can’t each go your own way and have your own happy marriages to someone else, because this guy can’t make it without you!

Imagine, if you will, that you come to realize the way you have been infantilizing and–really–looking down on this “ideal” guy and his prospects for a happy relationship in the absence of a pity sister like you. You’re treating him as if he is a stray dog, someone who can’t make it without you to “look after him.” That is fairly insulting!!

Apologize. Admit that you have been just as bad to him as everyone else who has treated him as if he isn’t good enough that a woman with high expectations would want him. Admit that he has a lot to offer any woman, that he does not need you to make him worthwhile, and that it was wrong of you to swoop in while he was on the rebound from a heartbreak and make him into your little personal man-child. Resolve to begin to see him as an independent human adult who is fully capable of taking care of himself.

Then start imagining yourself as someone who is confident, who is patient, who knows she has something to offer a man who has something to offer her. Imagine you and your imaginary friends on the Island of Misfit Toys jump into Santa’s sleigh and fly off to a real home with real people who really love each of you individually and whom you can each really love in your own right. That would be a very happy ending.
 
sugarmouse said:
But then I’d have these terrible moments where I’d imagine what it’d be like to be married, and just as I was imagining what my husband would be like, I’d get an image of this fictional character, and this sudden ache of pain at the thought that when I was married, it wouldn’t be to him. I wouldn’t be able to take care of him.
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The psychiatric term for this is “intrusive thoughts”. The good news is that there are effective treatments for dealing with intrusive thoughts.
 
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