I think my daughter in now sexually active

[dianeusa]

Yes, this is a tough “pill” to swallow, However my d is 21 yrs old will be a senior in college…

Last summer we went to her annual physical and she told the doctor about her irregular heavy painful periods. Of course the doctor was readily willing to put her on the pill. To my dismay, I shunned the idea so we left without the prescription. She went back to college without.
When she was home during Christmas last year, I found the “pill” and questioned her. She does have a boyfriend also FYI. Last summer she was proud to still be a virgin and so was I as I felt like I had done a good job along the way. Anyway, after finding the pill, I questioned her and she told me she got it at school to regulate her periods and that was it. Was I to believe her? well I did but still did not like it. I made her go to my gyne when she got home from school this summer still professing her virginity. Of course the gyne kept her on it and I did not say much other than tell her about our faith and why it is discouraged. However, I too was young once and yes I had sex before marriage and yes was on the pill so I feel like I do not have room to talk. I will say though I have made amends with that but I really do not want my daughter to go through what I had gone through…wisdom is knowledge which young people do not have! She has been an exceptionally good kid along the way but she did suffer at the age of 11 with anorexia , now recovered, and an alcoholic father, now recovered as well. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary so we are still together. Life has not always been easy for her but she has blossomed into a beautiful young lady who is intelligent and seems to have it all…so what can I do? Pray about it…I will do that…talk with her gently about it? She is very sensitive to criticism of any kind… Plus is it my business now that she is an adult?

Please give me some thoughts on this

Anyway, I found a letter from her bf and it made mention of sex with her…made me sick to my stomach and I am not sure how to handle this. Yes I should not have read the letter and yes she is 21 BUT she still lives here during summer breaks etc but will graduate next spring. I don’t know how to handle this as it is very hurtful but I am also a realist and I know she was in the minority as far as Not having sex is concerned…

 

[ack]

There is no way that you should have read that letter. For this reason, you are going to have to pretend that you don’t know about it.

Yes – she is living in your house – but I don’t think you indicated that her boyfriend visits her when she’s at home, so the principle of “my house, my rules” doesn’t hold as much water here.

 

[dianeusa]

Yes I know I was wrong in invading her privacy and will not say anything about that but I feel like we have an open relationship much more than my mother and I did… I had to learn slot from my friends. I will not jeopardize our relationship over this, just want her to do the right thing and not get hurt… However we some times have to learn the hard way I know.

 

[Catholic1954]

Yes I know I was wrong in invading her privacy and will not say anything about that but I feel like we have an open relationship much more than my mother and I did… I had to learn slot from my friends. I will not jeopardize our relationship over this, just want her to do the right thing and not get hurt… However we some times have to learn the hard way I know.

Let your daughter grow up, the hard way if necessary. You have given her all the tools and information she needs to make the right choices in life and now you must let her go and make them. Stand by as support and pray, pray, pray.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

You went to the Gyno. with her in her twenties? Heck, my mom went to the first one with me because it was a new thing and then I went alone. Maybe it is time to cut some apron strings?
She’s an adult. Not much you can do.
Also, she keeps telling you she is a virgin and I think I would believe her over a letter, that should most definitely not have been read by you.

 

[Debbie_Keefe]

I had the same problem with irregular cycles and chiropractic care solved it naturally. Many girls today are wary of the pill due to health risks (stroke, etc). You might want to find information on that to share. Also, info that the pill is not foolproof and pregnancies occur might help. There are many testimonies from girls who saw the wisdom (too late) of saving themselves for marriage and recommitted themselves to God. Maybe sharing research can help.

 

[Lookingforjoy]

I think there isn’t much you can do. She’s an adult and can make her own choices, for better or worse. Honestly, I wouldn’t say ANYTHING because you don’t want to jeopardize the access you have to her life. She’s 21 years old, and yet she’s still willing to discuss her sex life with you, AND she lets you go with her to the gynecologist? I would have DIED before I let my mom do that. Don’t jeopardize it by giving her unsolicited advice at this point.

It sounds like you did a great job with her. Even if she falters, I bet she’ll find the right path eventually.

 

[Lorelei12]

You went to the Gyno. with her in her twenties? Heck, my mom went to the first one with me because it was a new thing and then I went alone. Maybe it is time to cut some apron strings? .

Yeah. That’s weird. Not only that but you “made” her go, even though she’d already been seen by someone? Why?

She is now an adult. The time to educate her on sex and its proper place within marriage was as she was growing up. Assuming you did that, there isn’t much else you can do but pray.

It’s good that you recognize how wrong it was to invade her privacy. If you want to have a good adult relationship with her, you will never read her private letters again. If my mother ever did that and I found out, I would be livid and it would have strained our relationship going forward. Also, my mother has no idea whether or not I was a virgin on my wedding night (I was) but she never asked because she knew it was none of her business. You making her go to your gynecologist and “profess her virginity” to you is not appropriate. Pray for her, but going forward I would stop with the questioning and there is no reason to accompany her to a gynecologist appointment.

 

[MaryT777]

I think there isn’t much you can do. She’s an adult and can make her own choices, for better or worse. Honestly, I wouldn’t say ANYTHING because you don’t want to jeopardize the access you have to her life. She’s 21 years old, and yet she’s still willing to discuss her sex life with you, AND she lets you go with her to the gynecologist? I would have DIED before I let my mom do that. Don’t jeopardize it by giving her unsolicited advice at this point.

It sounds like you did a great job with her. Even if she falters, I bet she’ll find the right path eventually.

Yes, I agree with this. What a caring mom you are. Don’t read private mail again but don’t beat yourself up over one mistake.

God bless,

Mary.

 

[dianeusa]

You went to the Gyno. with her in her twenties? Heck, my mom went to the first one with me because it was a new thing and then I went alone. Maybe it is time to cut some apron strings?
She’s an adult. Not much you can do.
Also, she keeps telling you she is a virgin and I think I would believe her over a letter, that should most definitely not have been read by you.

 

[Kelfa28]

I have daughters…will have 3 in another couple of weeks…and I am dreading this.

But I know that all I can do is be the best example of a Catholic I can be, pray for them and send them off into the world.

When they become adults…it’s done…especially if they are on their own (which, IMO, college means on their own for most of the year).

I can’t dictate what they can and can’t do with their lives at that point…all we can do is pray and hope and pray some more.

Everything I was involved in after the age of 18 was my own responsibility.
I took it upon myself to go to my first gyno appointment and requested to be put on the pill because, yes, I had a boyfriend at the time and wanted to be responsible (I wasn’t a practicing Catholic).
My mom didn’t know because it was, frankly, none of her business and if I had found out she had gone through my personal belongings or read the texts on my phone (which I was paying for myself)…any open relationship we had would have vanished.

Sure, I was sexually active and I was on the pill. However, my parents did do an excellent job at raising me and gave me the confidence to find a good man to marry on my own.

I came back to the Church, abstained until my wedding night and got off the pill many years ago and haven’t used contraception at all during my marriage.

You don’t know what is going to happen…but meddling in her personal business is not something you can do…especially if she is on her own and an adult.

The only thing you can do is instill house rules for her when she stays with you over the summer.
My mother had a strict rule that no boys were allowed in our rooms at night and we acknowledged it and obeyed it.
We could have a boyfriend spend the night…but he had to sleep in the living room on the couch.
Because my sister and I respected our parents we respected the rules.

I’m really, really hoping my daughters don’t go down the path I was on…it was much, much harder for me to make it back to the Church.

But, I know there is nothing I can do to prevent them from making mistakes and I don’t want to damage any relationship I have with them by meddling in their personal business and trying to stop them from making a mistake.

 

[dianeusa]

I only went to her gyne appointment as it was her first time there. I also did not know if there was another reason for irregular periods, however when I took her my mind was somewhere else as my father was dying and in hospice so I know I was not even there mentally to really ask questions about her condition.
I wIll not go with her again, it was just because it was her first time there and I did not stay for the exam part, as I have more smarts than that!

 

[Kelfa28]

I only went to her gyne appointment as it was her first time there. I also did not know if there was another reason for irregular periods, however when I took her my mind was somewhere else as my father was dying and in hospice so I know I was not even there mentally to really ask questions about her condition.
I wIll not go with her again, it was just because it was her first time there and I did not stay for the exam part, as I have more smarts than that!

If it was her first time…there is absolutely nothing wrong with that…though, I don’t think I would have sat with her while she talked to the doctor.

When I went to my first gyno appointment…I scheduled it on my own and went on my own and I was really intimidated and I kinda wished I had brought my mom along…just for moral support.

 

[dianeusa]

This whole gyne thing is getting blown out of proportion. I only went due to it being her first time and when she got the pill at school, she was not even examined at all. I only wanted her to go to become familiar with what it’s all about for her own health and to make sure the doctor had her full health history. I will not go again with her and I am letting her go and grow up. I just know from my own experiences in life, I would want to spare her of pain, something most parents wish for for their children even though it is hard to do.

My upbringing was much different as sex was never discussed at all. At least my daughter tells me some things, not all I am sure, and it is really only because of her health history I am concerned.

 

[Rau]

I had the same problem with irregular cycles and chiropractic care solved it naturally. Many girls today are wary of the pill due to health risks (stroke, etc). You might want to find information on that to share. Also, info that the pill is not foolproof and pregnancies occur might help. There are many testimonies from girls who saw the wisdom (too late) of saving themselves for marriage and recommitted themselves to God. Maybe sharing research can help.

A chiropractor - skeletal manipulation - can help irregular cycles and heavy bleeding? The things one learns on CAF!

 

[Rau]

…When she was home during Christmas last year, I found the “pill” and questioned her. She does have a boyfriend also FYI. Last summer she was proud to still be a virgin and so was I as I felt like I had done a good job along the way. Anyway, after finding the pill, I questioned her and she told me she got it at school to regulate her periods and that was it. Was I to believe her? well I did but still did not like it. I made her go to my gyne when she got home from school this summer still professing her virginity. Of course the gyne kept her on it and I did not say much other than tell her about our faith and why it is discouraged. …

Of course, the girl is single and thus if she is not having sex, and has no intention of doing so, their is nothing immoral in taking the pill for legitimate (medical) purposes.

I appreciate that you suspect her actions, and motivations, may be otherwise.

 

[Blue_Goose]

Life as parents and grandparents are difficult in this secular world. Your daughter is a legally and fully functional adult. Pray for her, love her, but do not try to control her or you will lose.

 

[SilverLight]

Yes I know I was wrong in invading her privacy and will not say anything about that but I feel like we have an open relationship much more than my mother and I did… I had to learn slot from my friends. I will not jeopardize our relationship over this, just want her to do the right thing and not get hurt… However we some times have to learn the hard way I know.

I’m not here to be angry at you just say my stuff and be done with it I hope. I’m a 23 year old woman who was raised Catholic and taught everything I needed to be. My mother never told me not to take the pill. She took it because of issues with her period also and it helped her have a better life when she was my age. I don’t take it because right now I’m just not that interested in sex to be honest. I was also allowed to make my on decisions about religion when I got older. For me if I was a mother and found out my daughter got pregnant because she thought she could not take the pill I would be devastated no matter what my religious views where.
Have a good day and good luck.

 

[llenadegracia]

This whole gyne thing is getting blown out of proportion. I only went due to it being her first time and when she got the pill at school, she was not even examined at all. I only wanted her to go to become familiar with what it’s all about for her own health and to make sure the doctor had her full health history. I will not go again with her and I am letting her go and grow up. I just know from my own experiences in life, I would want to spare her of pain, something most parents wish for for their children even though it is hard to do.

My upbringing was much different as sex was never discussed at all. At least my daughter tells me some things, not all I am sure, and it is really only because of her health history I am concerned.

Ok, just to chime in on this a bit…it seems like you have a good grasp on not letting the gyno get blown out of proportion. I am also 21 and sometimes I bring my mom along to doctor’s appointments. Not so much as I used to when I was around 18, but occasionally I will ask her to come. Usually she just waits in the waiting room. I ask her to come because I am still on her insurance and also because she knows our biological family health way better than me. I was diagnosed with a lot of health problems this past year (including a heart and overall cardiovascular issue…) and needed her to come with me so she could answer questions about our family’s history. Anyway, what I’m getting at…I think it is fine that you went. It can be good.

Don’t beat yourself up. But as a 21 year old, I echo what other people have said and that I would be mortified if my mother read a letter. My mother has crossed those boundaries and it truly makes our relationship so much more strained. Let your daughter make her own decisions and be a good example to her. Open the door for conversation…even if it means taking a few deep breaths and biting your tongue. Let her talk. My mom has a tendency to immediately start criticizing any man I might be seeing or interested in after I mention something negative about him (such as…oh managing his money is something he is still working on)…so then as soon as I say that she will just feel it is ok to criticize him all the time. But I appreciate it when she refrains from that and just lets me talk and come to her. Ok…that was a bit long. I just have a lot of thoughts because I am the same age as your daughter. Staying chaste is a commitment…but at 21, not one I am making because my mother or any other parental figure wants me to. It can be sad someone you love so deeply does something that will hurt themselves/their relationship with the Lord/other people…but you have to just continue to persevere and love them and honor their autonomy and encourage them to seek the Lord. Love your daughter.

I like the poster above me…

Life as parents and grandparents are difficult in this secular world. Your daughter is a legally and fully functional adult. Pray for her, love her, but do not try to control her or you will lose.

 

[maryjk]

A chiropractor - skeletal manipulation - can help irregular cycles and heavy bleeding? The things one learns on CAF!

There are chiropractors that claim they can cure almost anything.

I met one that talked about curing cancer and auto-immune diseases.