I think my friend is in an abusive relationship, but I don't know how to help

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Robyn_p

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I have a friend who started dating this one guy about a year ago. I didn’t like him when I first met him. He was awkward and didn’t really introduce himself and WOULD NOT make eye contact. But I didn’t say anything, because I thought, maybe he’s just shy. Obviously there’s something that my friend sees in him, so I just shrugged and let it go.

But about six months ago, my friend’s entire personality started to change. And not in a good way. She used to love to dress up and do her make-up. She used to love going out. She used to be a very happy and energetic person. But now her voice has no life in it. Her boyfriend makes her not wear make-up now. Or buy nice clothes. He made her get rid of all social media. She has to get his permission to go out. She has to text him every time she leaves. I hardly have even seen her since she started dating this guy. Her entire life revolves around him.

But when you bring him up at all, and mention he’s a bit possessive, she gets extremely defensive.“He’s had bad experiences with past girlfriends. He doesn’t have any one else besides me.” Etc… Either that, or she pretends she never liked the stuff she used to like before he came along.

I’m seriously worried he’s emotionally abusing her…or worse. But I can’t do anything! She won’t talk. She won’t listen. Now she’s living with him. He’s dragging her away from everyone who loves her, and she’s letting him.

I don’t know what to do. Is there anything I CAN do? Besides pray? I just don’t want her to get hurt.
 
Yes continue being her friend. I wish that I would of had a friend like you thirty some years ago when I was in a bad relationship thanks be to God I got out of it but I still remember being totally controlled by him.
 
thequeen said:
Yes continue being her friend. I wish that I would of had a friend like you thirty some years ago when I was in a bad relationship thanks be to God I got out of it but I still remember being totally controlled by him.
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Hard part is getting her to be away from him. I’m trying to set up a “girl’s night” so she can just be herself, but she keeps flaking out. Which is obviously just another bad sign that something is up, but I’m feeling pretty helpless.
 
Let her know that your place is a “safe” house.

And be prepared for the day she shows up on your doorstep.

Praying for both of you…
 
If she refuses to talk, then sadly there’s not a lot you can do,
The only thing I can think of is ,perhaps you could arrange a girls weekend where 3 or more of your lady friends could go away for a few days, try and give her some fun,
Through having fun,perhaps she will get some positives vibes,
Perhaps something for you to think about ?
 
phil_at_dayboro said:
If she refuses to talk, then sadly there’s not a lot you can do,
The only thing I can think of is ,perhaps you could arrange a girls weekend where 3 or more of your lady friends could go away for a few days, try and give her some fun,
Through having fun,perhaps she will get some positives vibes,
Perhaps something for you to think about ?
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Honestly. :rolleyes:
If he’s controlling whether or not she can wear makeup, he’s not going to approve of her going away with girlfriends. And in her fear of him, she will acquiesce. All that will happen is that he will forbid her to have those girlfriends. and she will be even more isolated.

This guy is an abuser. He’s isolating her. First sign of an abusive relationship. This young woman needs serious help and the knowledge that she has options.

OP: let her know your house is a safe house.
Get her to an abused woman’s clinic to talk to women who have been there if you can.
Make sure you have your cell phone charged at all times. She’s likely going to need you.
Praying.
 
Yes I was using a polite approach , what she needs to do is get out and run,
But if she won’t listen , what can you do. There is a lot of domestic violence ,
So many lives are lost through Domestic violence ,
But if she can just get out for a couple days ,perhaps her friends can help to persuade
Her to leave,
 
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do but be there for her and pray; Ihope they do not decide to get married.
 
What do your other mutual friends think? -Ask them -what do you think of x’s boyfriend?

If they share the same concern, a few of you should point this out to her as a group.
I would also research internet about how to intercede in cases like this.
 
I am just wondering how old your friend is, and how many serious relationships she has had.
Also, what happened in her past that is allowing her tinsel her standards so low?

Have you ever actually relayed your concerns to your friend?
 
It is times like these where as a guy, it would be nice to have another man who knows the boyfriend approach him and ask “dude, WTH is wrong with you?” and go from there. Not that women are incapable to defending themselves, but bullies of any stripe need to be confronted and even beaten up every now and then.
 
pianistclare said:
Let her know that your place is a “safe” house.

And be prepared for the day she shows up on your doorstep.

Praying for both of you…
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Not exactly, her place is not a safe house. If she shows up on her doorstep she needs to be able to get her to a woman’s shelter asap. Going the " safe" house protector rout can end in violent disaster.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Not exactly, her place is not a safe house. If she shows up on her doorstep she needs to be able to get her to a woman’s shelter asap. Going the " safe" house protector rout can end in violent disaster.
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A person has to have a FRIEND first.
Sheesh.
I guess everything has to be spelled out for people. :rolleyes:
It was my FRIEND who took me to the women’s shelter. Abused women don’t just go their on their own fro the most part. Either a friend takes them or the police do.
According to the OP, this young women is very impressionable. She may never seek help, but she will go to a friend. And they can take steps together.

Praying fro the people involved.
 
pianistclare said:
A person has to have a FRIEND first.
Sheesh.
I guess everything has to be spelled out for people. :rolleyes:
It was my FRIEND who took me to the women’s shelter. Abused women don’t just go their on their own fro the most part. Either a friend takes them or the police do.
According to the OP, this young women is very impressionable. She may never seek help, but she will go to a friend. And they can take steps together.

Praying fro the people involved.
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👍
 
Irishmom2 said:
I am just wondering how old your friend is, and how many serious relationships she has had.
Also, what happened in her past that is allowing her tinsel her standards so low?

Have you ever actually relayed your concerns to your friend?
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She’s 22. She’s been in a few relationships. But honestly, none of them have been like this. Those guys were pretty normal and she never changed who she was with them.

She doesn’t like to talk much about her childhood. But her sister has said there was something that happened with an uncle. 😦

I haven’t talked to her yet. I mean, I’ve mentioned that the stuff he does seems wrong - and then she makes an excuse for him - but I haven’t said I’m worried that he’s hurting her yet. Like I said, I really haven’t had much time with her by herself. It’s just these things I’ve noticed lately. The make-up was the sign that really freaked me out.
She’s always been an independent and stubborn person, as long as I’ve known her. If anybody tells her to do something, she’ll do the opposite. But for some reason, this guy tells her not to wear make-up, not to drink (that’s another thing, she can’t go out drinking anymore. She used to love to do that.) and she goes right along. It literally is making no sense to me.

She DID say she is free Wednesday. A few of us are going to go out. They’ve noticed the change too. I’m just really hoping he doesn’t show up or text her the entire time. (which has happened)
 
pianistclare said:
Honestly. :rolleyes:
If he’s controlling whether or not she can wear makeup, he’s not going to approve of her going away with girlfriends. And in her fear of him, she will acquiesce. All that will happen is that he will forbid her to have those girlfriends. and she will be even more isolated.

This guy is an abuser. He’s isolating her. First sign of an abusive relationship. This young woman needs serious help and the knowledge that she has options.

OP: let her know your house is a safe house.
Get her to an abused woman’s clinic to talk to women who have been there if you can.
Make sure you have your cell phone charged at all times. She’s likely going to need you.
Praying.
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I’m worried she is in denial right now. I doubt she’d go to a clinic. She’s so…defensive of him. I haven’t said that she needs to break up with him or that I’m worried he’s hurting her yet, all I’ve mentioned is that some of the stuff he does doesn’t seem right. And she brushes it off and says he’s been cheated on before so that’s why he’s so protective. :banghead:

How do I approach the topic without scaring her away?
 
Robyn_p said:
I’m worried she is in denial right now. I doubt she’d go to a clinic. She’s so…defensive of him. I haven’t said that she needs to break up with him or that I’m worried he’s hurting her yet, all I’ve mentioned is that some of the stuff he does doesn’t seem right. And she brushes it off and says he’s been cheated on before so that’s why he’s so protective. :banghead:

How do I approach the topic without scaring her away?
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I would try to point out how she has changed without mentioning her boyfriend so she won’t get defensive. "I notice you don’t wear makeup anymore. Why is that? You used to be so good/creative at it, what happened? " Maybe get her to realize what she is doing and that other people notice it. Just to start he conversation going.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I would try to point out how she has changed without mentioning her boyfriend so she won’t get defensive. "I notice you don’t wear makeup anymore. Why is that? You used to be so good/creative at it, what happened? " Maybe get her to realize what she is doing and that other people notice it. Just to start he conversation going.
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Good idea. I’ll try something like that. I’m worried she’ll just pretend she never really liked it anyways though. :sad_yes:

But something has to be said.
 
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