I think my marriage is doomed

[whatevergirl]

Rayne,

I am sorry that I offended you. My dear aunt died from cancer and so did one of my best friends.

Sorry Guys. I have a lot of issues to work out. I really wanted children. I hope it happens. I hope my husband will change his mind. Cause at this point, I am losing hope. .

Ghostman,

Sorry I offended you. The thread was about the topic orginally and then I went some other course. I was giving an update. I really do feel that my marriage is doomed. I feel as if my life is doomed. I am so suicidal right now. My husband WONT touch me, if I get off the pill. That makes me feel so awful :crying: I have to stay on the pill so he will touch me. If I continue to make love to my husband while on the pill, I am going to hell. I have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 5 years and been married for almost 3 months. I have waited for a lot of things while he is planning. I have had tantrums recently, which is odd because I so docile most of the time, when it came to my husband who I love dearly. I am constantly thinking that I am going to hell. I can’t talk to my husband because he doesn’t believe in hell. But I am living it. I don’t want to be on this earth anymore. But if I kill myself I am going to hell. So i thought God may be merciful and kill me, because I am so much pain. So if I offended others because of my frustration I am so sorry.

If you are using the pill for medicinal purposes, and your sole intent was never to use it for contraception, why would you be going to hell if you sleep with your husband while taking it?

 

[kage_ar]

Please contact a good Priest and a counselor who can help with suicidal thoughts.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Sorry I offended you. The thread was about the topic orginally and then I went some other course. I was giving an update. I really do feel that my marriage is doomed. I feel as if my life is doomed. I am so suicidal right now. My husband WONT touch me, if I get off the pill. That makes me feel so awful :crying: I have to stay on the pill so he will touch me. If I continue to make love to my husband while on the pill, I am going to hell. I have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 5 years and been married for almost 3 months. I have waited for a lot of things while he is planning. I have had tantrums recently, which is odd because I so docile most of the time, when it came to my husband who I love dearly. I am constantly thinking that I am going to hell. I can’t talk to my husband because he doesn’t believe in hell. But I am living it. I don’t want to be on this earth anymore. But if I kill myself I am going to hell. So i thought God may be merciful and kill me, because I am so much pain. So if I offended others because of my frustration I am so sorry.

Sweetie–

We serve a loving God.

Don’t ever forget that.

:hug1: :hug1: :hug1:

kevinsgirl

 

[duskyjewel]

I second rayne’s post. carjack, how old are you and your husband? Because rayne is right in saying some of your responses sound immature.

As for cancer… my grandmother died of ovarian cancer at the ripe old age of 54. It ravaged her body, metastasized everywhere before anyone knew it was there. That part of your posts is extremely offensive to people who have had to watch family members die slowly, sometimes wracked by pain, sometimes delirious from pain medication, their bodies destroyed from the inside out. Be careful what you wish for… is dying and suffering better than living and struggling?

 

[rayne89]

Carjack you need to reach out and get some help either your local parish priest or a counselor, you need a real live person to talk to. Hills and valleys are part of life. My husband used to be an atheist, now he is a devout Catholic. We were married seven years before that happened. He was also an alcoholic and now has been sober for over ten years.

Trust in God, he knows your pain, your fears. Things happen in God’s time, not ours. I would have never dreamed I would have the awesome marriage I have today a little over ten years ago. It seemed so hopeless, just one hellish roller coaster I could not get off of. Everything I prayed for happened, it took years but it happened.

Go seek out a priest in your area. You need to speak with someone, instead of just reading typed words that can’t convey emotion or empathy.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[carjack]

If you are using the pill for medicinal purposes, and your sole intent was never to use it for contraception, why would you be going to hell if you sleep with your husband while taking it?

When I was 20, I was diagnosed with PCOS. My doctor at the time went and prescribed me the pill and told me it would be very hard to concieve. I stopped taking the pill after a month because I could no longer afford them. At that time in my life I was promiscuous. Up until age 23. I got pregnant but had a abortion(I was using condoms at the time and I didn’t know who the father was) i lived with my dad, and didn’t want to tell him that I was pregnant and didn’t know who the dad was. After the abortion, the Gyn gave me the pills saying to control the PCOS, I would need to take the pills. I started on them after that. At the time, my husband was one of the possible fathers. He stood by me.

While he and I were dating he had another girlfriend at the same time. (i didn’t know this) She had given up their baby for adoption. His parents weren’t aware of any of this. He didn’t want his parents to find out. She would threaten to tell his parents if he left her(this might be contributing to his being scared of having a baby) This is why he insisted on a abortion. (I didn’t know any of this at the time) When I found out about the situation, I called his dad and told him. My husband was relieved. After that I promised him that I would stand by his side, no matter what.

This thing called life, has been one big messed up trip. Yes the pill is medicinal, but if I keep making love to my husband while on them, I can be having abortions still.

 

[rayne89]

Carjack please see the link below
hopeafterabortion.com/
It is an organization devoted to help those who gone through the trauma of abortion.

 

[kevinsgirl]

When I was 20, I was diagnosed with PCOS. My doctor at the time went and prescribed me the pill and told me it would be very hard to concieve. I stopped taking the pill after a month because I could no longer afford them. At that time in my life I was promiscuous. Up until age 23. I got pregnant but had a abortion(I was using condoms at the time and I didn’t know who the father was) i lived with my dad, and didn’t want to tell him that I was pregnant and didn’t know who the dad was. After the abortion, the Gyn gave me the pills saying to control the PCOS, I would need to take the pills. I started on them after that. At the time, my husband was one of the possible fathers. He stood by me.

While he and I were dating he had another girlfriend at the same time. (i didn’t know this) She had given up their baby for adoption. His parents weren’t aware of any of this. He didn’t want his parents to find out. She would threaten to tell his parents if he left her(this might be contributing to his being scared of having a baby) This is why he insisted on a abortion. (I didn’t know any of this at the time) When I found out about the situation, I called his dad and told him. My husband was relieved. After that I promised him that I would stand by his side, no matter what.

This thing called life, has been one big messed up trip. Yes the pill is medicinal, but if I keep making love to my husband while on them, I can be having abortions still.

:hug1: I’m so sorry, carjack… :hug1: I understand much more where you are coming from now. Check out the link that Rayne just posted…I hope that can help a little. Also, you might want to join us on the Mommies to Little Saints thread on the parenting forum. If my memory serves me right, there are other ladies who have lost their child(ren) through abortion on there that may be able to help you find more closure. I lost two children through miscarriages, so I do know the pain of losing a child and the fear that you might cause that to happen again…it is an awful fear to have. :hug1: Just remember your little one is in heaven…probably hanging out with my two. :hug1:

 

[duskyjewel]

carjack, from the background you have given us, it seems to me this marriage should never have taken place! Neither of you was grown up, mature, or ready to take on commitments. Neither of you could admit to anyone that you had made children, and went through very involved secretive machinations to keep it from people.

Maybe your marriage is doomed, and maybe that’s as it should be. Making a mistake is human. Refusing to let go and continuing and compounding the mistake for the sake of appearances is bad and damaging. Perhaps you should let go… of everything. Just cling to your faith, pray, and stop worrying about anything. Leave your husband alone and let him work things out on his end. Don’t make any decisions, don’t have any operations… and don’t push anything.

I think the reason you want to take control of childbearing away from your husband is because last time you gave him control, he talked you into killing your baby. So taking control from him is your revenge. That will never be enough, it will not heal you.

Talk to a priest, get post-abortion counseling and more immediate help for suicidal thoughts. Have yourself committed if you really think you need it.

Back away and let go for a while. If your marriage ends, it might be because it was not right, it was never really a marriage (to be investigated later if needed), and perhaps something better is waiting for you, whatever it might be…

 

[Carjack1]

My hubby decided to hijack my account that I can’t log in it. I had to give a new user name. ugh! he said every since I have been going on this forum that I have been depressed and crazy and it is making me unhappy. He may have a point. I didn’t speak with a priest, because I am not sure about joining the Catholic faith. I am not convinced it is the truth. I am no longer feeling suicidal. I have hope and been praying a lot for clarity. Sorry to any of you who were inconvenienced. My husband and I have a marriage that will not break. We have been there for each other through many trials and tribulations. He is my best friend. When I started researching the Catholic faith, i didn’t consult with my husband about how he felt. I just tried to fly into it and expected him to be as flexible. it wasn’t fair to him. We did end up telling everyone about “our” situations, so we weren’t trying to hide anything (originally we were, but it came out, shortly after). He actually did a honorable thing by giving up the baby. I guess it was such a painful experience, that he thought aborting it would be less painful. He feels it is a woman’s choice, I am the one who is feeling the pain. He is athiest and he is saying that by my behavior, he is more inclined to stay that way. I haven’t been the best example, because I wasn’t taking baby steps to change. I did it by taking big leaps and probably shocked him. He said he doesn’t like children, but is willing to have them for me. He is an only child. He doesn’t know the joy of brothers and sisters. Thank you everyone for your advice. I still need to see if the Catholic Faith is 1. For Me 2. The Truth. There are things about the faith that I am struggling with and I don’t necessarily agree with. I was thinking of taking RCIA, but doing research, there are doctrines I don’t agree with.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Carjack…

Listen…you are a grown-up. You are allowed to use the computer and you are allowed to have a religion. It isn’t up to your husband to let you.

You obviously are in very bad spiritual pain. Take the small step to at least speak to a priest about your past. If you need time to decide about making your first communion and confirmation…take the time. But a husband is supposed to want the best for his spouse. The best is heaven.

It isn’t fair for him to have you choose between him and God. You want God in your life and that could be threatening for him.

Lots of red flags went off in my head. You say that he’s your best friend…best friends don’t control.

Please, listen…in a totally secular view point, this relationship does not seem right.

Please go get help…

 

[Carjack1]

Carjack…

Listen…you are a grown-up. You are allowed to use the computer and you are allowed to have a religion. It isn’t up to your husband to let you.

You obviously are in very bad spiritual pain. Take the small step to at least speak to a priest about your past. If you need time to decide about making your first communion and confirmation…take the time. But a husband is supposed to want the best for his spouse. The best is heaven.

It isn’t fair for him to have you choose between him and God. You want God in your life and that could be threatening for him.

Lots of red flags went off in my head. You say that he’s your best friend…best friends don’t control.

Please, listen…in a totally secular view point, this relationship does not seem right.

Please go get help…

My husband isn’t a bad man. He doesn’t know how to react to my behavior because I am a VERY emotional person. He felt that I was taking criticisms of our situation very personally from this forum and I was. He (like most men) feel uncomfortable when they see their wife crying and they don’t know what to do. I am extremely sensitive.

 

[kage_ar]

Best friends do not hack each other’s accounts, they do not threaten each other, they do not keep the other from learning and growing.

Please, seek counseling for yourself.

 

[Carjack1]

Best friends do not hack each other’s accounts, they do not threaten each other, they do not keep the other from learning and growing.

Please, seek counseling for yourself.

He thought he was helping me out. I am the one who threatened him when he didn’t conform to ideas that he didn’t agree with. My other half doesn’t like it when I am upset. I become extremely emotional. He knew I was suicidal and wanted to eliminate anything that was causing me stress. He deduced that I was getting depressed from here and other resources. He can be overprotective sometimes. We are fine. Like I said, thank you guys for your help.

 

[duskyjewel]

He said he doesn’t like children, but is willing to have them for me.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!

Children have the right and deserve to be WANTED by both parents for their own sake. This is absolutely the wrong attitude to enter childbearing with. You SHOULD NOT have children with this man until he is sure HE HIMSELF wants children. Children to love and nurture and to enrich his life, for their own sakes and not just to “give them” to his wife. What happens when he gets tired of the demands? He will not be invested in them as extensions of himself, just as something he “gave” to you. Children know when they are not wanted, and it is one of the most damaging things a person can do to them to conceive them with a person who does not truly want them.

I agree with the previous comments about how controlling your husband seems. My husband, if he thought CAF was bad for me and our marriage, would TELL ME THAT and REQUEST that I stop using it. He would not break into my account and change my password and then tell me he did it for my own good. He would treat me like the responsible, mature adult that I am, and talk to me like an equal. Your husband is treating you like a child. I don’t understand why you are willing to put up with that!

I don’t think I can help you, carjack. I don’t understand why you think any of what you have told us so far about your marriage is acceptable… We just are not on the same wavelength, so I think I am of no use to you.

Peace, and good luck.

 

[Carjack1]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!

Children have the right and deserve to be WANTED by both parents for their own sake. This is absolutely the wrong attitude to enter childbearing with. You SHOULD NOT have children with this man until he is sure HE HIMSELF wants children. Children to love and nurture and to enrich his life, for their own sakes and not just to “give them” to his wife. What happens when he gets tired of the demands? He will not be invested in them as extensions of himself, just as something he “gave” to you. Children know when they are not wanted, and it is one of the most damaging things a person can do to them to conceive them with a person who does not truly want them.

I agree with the previous comments about how controlling your husband seems. My husband, if he thought CAF was bad for me and our marriage, would TELL ME THAT and REQUEST that I stop using it. He would not break into my account and change my password and then tell me he did it for my own good. He would treat me like the responsible, mature adult that I am, and talk to me like an equal. Your husband is treating you like a child. I don’t understand why you are willing to put up with that!
I forgave him for the computer incident and we talked about it

I don’t think I can help you, carjack. I don’t understand why you think any of what you have told us so far about your marriage is acceptable… We just are not on the same wavelength, so I think I am of no use to you.

Peace, and good luck.

"]I love my husband very much. With all due respect, our marriage doesn’t have to be acceptable to anyone else but ourselves. I thank you for all your advice.

Peace and God Bless You

 

[Carjack1]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!

Children have the right and deserve to be WANTED by both parents for their own sake. This is absolutely the wrong attitude to enter childbearing with. You SHOULD NOT have children with this man until he is sure HE HIMSELF wants children. Children to love and nurture and to enrich his life, for their own sakes and not just to “give them” to his wife. What happens when he gets tired of the demands? He will not be invested in them as extensions of himself, just as something he “gave” to you. Children know when they are not wanted, and it is one of the most damaging things a person can do to them to conceive them with a person who does not truly want them. My husband is open to them and that is what is important to me. We are trying to buy a house with more rooms for them

I agree with the previous comments about how controlling your husband seems. My husband, if he thought CAF was bad for me and our marriage, would TELL ME THAT and REQUEST that I stop using it. He would not break into my account and change my password and then tell me he did it for my own good. He would treat me like the responsible, mature adult that I am, and talk to me like an equal. Your husband is treating you like a child. I don’t understand why you are willing to put up with that!

I forgave my husband for this. His intention was good, but he was extreme. He already apologized

I don’t think I can help you, carjack. I don’t understand why you think any of what you have told us so far about your marriage is acceptable… We just are not on the same wavelength, so I think I am of no use to you.With all due respect…Our marriage doesn’t have to be acceptable to anyone else, except My husband and I

Peace, and good luck.

Peace and God Bless You and Thank You For Your Advice.

 

[Tracy10]

It’s rather unfortunate that you married outside your religion, and in particular an athiest because such things are certain tickets to grief. However, since you can’t turn back the clock, your partner’s needs to consider as well as your own. You knew he was a planner before you married him and you accepted him on that ground.

Re the abortion, are you certain the pill causes that? I’m not a medical person, but from what I understand, the pill simply prevents you from ovulating. In other words, your husband’s sperm can’t reach your eggs to fertilize them. Since no fertilization has taken place, no “human” has been conceived. If no human has been conceived, there is nothing to abort.

So now that you have married this person, it is your responsibility to help foster the relationship by considering his needs as well as yours. Remember also, that he has to “pay” for your growing family. It’s not fair to put a greater burden on a man than he feels he can sufficiently handle. It wouldn’t be fair to you or your children either.

I have been crying :crying: non stop for 3 days. I am open to life. I recently learned that birth control pills cause abortion. I was shocked. I suffer from a condition called PCOS which my GYN prescribed birth control pills to help it. So I am using it medically, but at the same time, what if I didn’t have PCOS. My husband doesn’t believe in NFP. He thinks it is not effective, or too risky. He said that he will be celibate, except for the 2 (times) or 2 children that he wants. He doesn’t want more than 2. I am so distraught . He told me that he will not touch me, if I get off the pill, unless he uses a condom. He is athiest, so it is a bit complicated. He is a planner. He planned when exactly he would marry me. I am 28. I don’t want to wait much longer to start. He can be celibate. I am more passionate. My husband doesn’t want to touch me. Help!! Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[kage_ar]

Re the abortion, are you certain the pill causes that? I’m not a medical person, but from what I understand, the pill simply prevents you from ovulating. In other words, your husband’s sperm can’t reach your eggs to fertilize them. Since no fertilization has taken place, no “human” has been conceived. If no human has been conceived, there is nothing to abort.

Every birth control pill works two ways, the hormones trick into not ovulating and they have a backup, if you do ovulate and concieve a child, the child is prevented from implanting and growing, thus you have a spontaneous miscarriage - aka - abortion.

Look on the insert paper that comes with any of them, it tells you this.

 

[igator99]

I have been crying :crying: non stop for 3 days. I am open to life. I recently learned that birth control pills cause abortion. I was shocked. I suffer from a condition called PCOS which my GYN prescribed birth control pills to help it. So I am using it medically, but at the same time, what if I didn’t have PCOS. My husband doesn’t believe in NFP. He thinks it is not effective, or too risky. He said that he will be celibate, except for the 2 (times) or 2 children that he wants. He doesn’t want more than 2. I am so distraught . He told me that he will not touch me, if I get off the pill, unless he uses a condom. He is athiest, so it is a bit complicated. He is a planner. He planned when exactly he would marry me. I am 28. I don’t want to wait much longer to start. He can be celibate. I am more passionate. My husband doesn’t want to touch me. Help!! Any advice would be appreciated.

You have my prayers. Could you convert your husband?