I want a daughter! :'(

[Lucky7]

You have a right to your feelings, and you have a right to vent them. I hope you feel a little better now. Anyone offended by your words should not have clicked on the thread in the first place. I would echo what others have said and pray to God to be thankful for the beautiful blessings He has given. He knows best.:hug1:

As do I have a right to vent my feelings…and sometimes you don’t fully know what a thread will be about until after you have clicked on it.

 

[Demetra2]

Why not adopt a girl? You will be very busy with twins for quite a while but you should keep that thought on the back burner. I think we all understand how it feels to yearn for something that seems out of your control to acquire. It is a sort of suffering but suffering is powerful so offer it up for the well being of your family. You may find that you experience some peace with the idea of having a family of adorable boys. A friend of mine whose only daughter died as a young child has been blessed with four granddaughters and she is overjoyed. Think of the future and how many granddaughters are in your future! God has his own time and his own ways of answering our prayers. Trust in Him.

 

[KellyPalmer]

I really, really hope that your son doesn’t know that. That statement pretty much flies in the face of what you said earlier about how you always reassure your sons that they’re wanted and not just failed attempts at girls. Or is that just something you tell them but you don’t really believe yourself?

I cannot understand people who look at their 4, 5, or 6+ kids and feel anything but love and gratitude for the large, loving, and healthy family that they already have. Mourning not having a child of ___________ gender in those circumstances strikes me as selfish and ungrateful. You should NEVER take your family for granted.

Wow. I will pray for God to give you the gift of charity and understanding. Way to insult me for the deep pain that I experienced. Does it feel good to kick someone when they are down?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Wow. I will pray for God to give you the gift of charity and understanding. Way to insult me for the deep pain that I experienced. Does it feel good to kick someone when they are down?

That wasn’t an insult or just way to “kick you while you’re down”. I am genuinely saying that there is a lot you need to consider in regards to your sons and family.

 

[KellyPalmer]

That wasn’t an insult or just way to “kick you while you’re down”. I am genuinely saying that there is a lot you need to consider in regards to your sons and family.

That doesn’t make any sense. I would recommend going back and rereading. This seems like a whole new discussion that has little to do with what either of us wrote. I have already considered more than you can imagine in the few minutes you spent pondering my situation. I have been thinking and considering these things for many years. Not sure why you decided my sharing about how I had to relive the loss of my child seemed like a good time for you to criticize me. There are some major things about compassion that you should consider.

When I lost my baby, I didn’t even know she was a she. It was a complete shock to me no never thought in a million years that I would lose a baby that far along. Finding out in the presence of my children…shock was an understatement. Grief is not always rational. It was hard for me to accept her passing as I never got to see her, touch her, hold her. I almost died when they surgically removed her in pieces while I was under general. Part of me felt like if I could just get pregnant again, I could get her back. After all, it was hard for me to understand that she was gone at all. When I found out my next baby was a boy, I had to face the harsh reality that my daughter was never coming back in this world. It was final. It was a pain like I’d never known. It had nothing to do with my son and everything to do with my daughter. My sons were not present when I found out. I hid my pain from them and rarely share it with others b/c when I do, I fear getting nonsensical criticism spewed towards me like I did here.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That doesn’t make any sense. I would recommend going back and rereading. This seems like a whole new discussion that has little to do with what either of us wrote. I have already considered more than you can imagine in the few minutes you spent pondering my situation. I have been thinking and considering these things for many years. Not sure why you decided my sharing about how I had to relive the loss of my child seemed like a good time for you to criticize me. There are some major things about compassion that you should consider.

When I lost my baby, I didn’t even know she was a she. It was a complete shock to me no never thought in a million years that I would lose a baby that far along. Finding out in the presence of my children…shock was an understatement. Grief is not always rational. It was hard for me to accept her passing as I never got to see her, touch her, hold her. I almost died when they surgically removed her in pieces while I was under general. Part of me felt like if I could just get pregnant again, I could get her back. After all, it was hard for me to understand that she was gone at all. When I found out my next baby was a boy, I had to face the harsh reality that my daughter was never coming back in this world. It was final. It was a pain like I’d never known. It had nothing to do with my son and everything to do with my daughter. My sons were not present when I found out. I hid my pain from them and rarely share it with others b/c when I do, I fear getting nonsensical criticism spewed towards me like I did here.

I am so sorry. Grief is NEVER rational. Understandable, but not rational. Your statement above is very common among women who have had abortions. Many of them try to get pregnant in order to get that baby back.

:imsorry::bighanky:

 

[BlueEyedLady]

That doesn’t make any sense. I would recommend going back and rereading. This seems like a whole new discussion that has little to do with what either of us wrote. I have already considered more than you can imagine in the few minutes you spent pondering my situation. I have been thinking and considering these things for many years. Not sure why you decided my sharing about how I had to relive the loss of my child seemed like a good time for you to criticize me. There are some major things about compassion that you should consider.

When I lost my baby, I didn’t even know she was a she. It was a complete shock to me no never thought in a million years that I would lose a baby that far along. Finding out in the presence of my children…shock was an understatement. Grief is not always rational. It was hard for me to accept her passing as I never got to see her, touch her, hold her. I almost died when they surgically removed her in pieces while I was under general. Part of me felt like if I could just get pregnant again, I could get her back. After all, it was hard for me to understand that she was gone at all. When I found out my next baby was a boy, I had to face the harsh reality that my daughter was never coming back in this world. It was final. It was a pain like I’d never known. It had nothing to do with my son and everything to do with my daughter. My sons were not present when I found out. I hid my pain from them and rarely share it with others b/c when I do, I fear getting nonsensical criticism spewed towards me like I did here.

I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but from what I read it seemed like you do see your sons as failed attempts at daughters.

 

[robwar]

That wasn’t an insult or just way to “kick you while you’re down”. I am genuinely saying that there is a lot you need to consider in regards to your sons and family.

you are spot on!

 

[EasterJoy]

I really, really hope that your son doesn’t know that. That statement pretty much flies in the face of what you said earlier about how you always reassure your sons that they’re wanted and not just failed attempts at girls. Or is that just something you tell them but you don’t really believe yourself?

I cannot understand people who look at their 4, 5, or 6+ kids and feel anything but love and gratitude for the large, loving, and healthy family that they already have. Mourning not having a child of ___________ gender in those circumstances strikes me as selfish and ungrateful. You should NEVER take your family for granted.

Of course the OP’s sons cannot help but know their mom would have liked a girl somewhere along the way. The best she can do is to reiterate that she would have also liked a girl, and not that she could possibly part with any of her sons!

That does not mean she ever told him literally what she felt!! Children cannot read their parents’ minds, and there is a good reason for that. I’m sure that if any of us had been able to do that, it would be a rare one of us who would not have been devastated many times over. (Let’s not even get started concerning the thoughts that crossed our minds about our* parents* while we were growing up!)

 

[robwar]

My husband and his brothers carry deep, deep emotional wounds because of my mother-in-law’s reaction to her unfulfilled desire for a daughter. I never meant to suggest that the OP or KellyPalmer are behaving in the same manner as my mother-in-law; I only meant to caution them against that. While I understand the need to vent, I would suggest that the best place to do that is not a public internet forum. What if your boys saw your posts in the future? It would crush them.
I can understand a little the pain of children not fulfilling our desires/expectations for them. I have two special needs children (both boys by the way) and while I wouldn’t trade them for the world, there is a grieving process over the loss of the “normal” children we thought we were going to have. I just never considered that someone might feel similar pain over gender.

My husband went through something similar in that my mother-in-law never wanted boys at all. My husband is an only boy with 3 sisters. While he never had a brother, he enjoys having 2 boys and encouraging positive brotherly relationship between them. Yes they bother each other etc but they also have a good relationship underneath it all. One of the other poster mentioned while they didn’t have girls, they built up and enjoy their daughter-in-laws and granddaughters and looking back on it, God worked it all out in the end. My son’s bring satisfaction to my husband in this area in what he didn’t grow up with. Children can pick up whether we realize it or not, rejection. If you have one sex but wanted the other, that is a rejection whether you mean it or not and the child can pick up on that and carry it. Studies of homosexuality in males have found one of the “family” dynamics for a boy to be drawn into this, was that the boy was the youngest in the family of boys and the mother wanted a girl. It has been found that this younger boy ends up becoming more feminized and drawn to the mom instead of the dad.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but from what I read it seemed like you do see your sons as failed attempts at daughters.

I don’t read what she said that way at all, although it is worthwhile for the OP to realize that it can be taken that way. Feeling as if someone is missing does not mean you are not grateful for those who surround you. Sometimes those who surround you need extra reassurance that you mean no such thing, though.

 

[robwar]

First of all, there is no such thing as “gender disappointment”. I am not sure whether to laugh or cry at this statement. Just a few mouse clicks away on the prayer request thread are people asking for prayers over truly heartbreaking miscarriages, loss of children or seriously sick ones etc. Children are our greatest gifts. They are not our toys, dolls, trophies or prizes.
Children are just temporary gifts for us to raise and mold and help them to become the people God wants them to be not what our fantasy is for them. To be able to carry and have not just one but up to six children is a very special gift and ability. There are too many even on CAF just praying for one child, let alone worrying about what sex it is. To use the internet to “vent” one’s disappointment because God didn’t give you what sex you wanted shows more about yourself than you realize and then to get mad at someone else because they didn’t join in on the pity party says it all. Some “feeling” are better left unsaid than said and I hope that those that are “disappointed” in what sex God gave them in a biological child will not have those children later on in life read that on the internet.

 

[EasterJoy]

First of all, there is no such thing as “gender disappointment”. I am not sure whether to laugh or cry at this statement…

Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matt. 5:4 Encourage everyone feeling grief and loss to take their trial to the Lord, for the Lord heals the broken-hearted. The Lord does not say, “You think you have problems? I don’t know whether to laught or cry, because you ain’t got nothin’!”

It is wrong to let your own real and profound grief be allowed to convince you that someone with a trial you see as preferable to yours has no business feeling grief over their own hardship. That is the road to a self-centered grief, and that is not a clean grief. A clean grief feels for others who are hurting, too, and joins with others who hurt to find comfort. That is the kind of grief that heals.

After all, aren’t there people who could say to the childless couple: “You’re upset because you’re childless? How can you feel grief over a child you never had! And at least you have each other! Aren’t you grateful for that? My wife and children died! Now I have something to feel grief about, not you!!” [Or my wife left me and took the children and didn’t leave so much as a note, or my husband divorced me, took the children, and is teaching my children that the woman he took as a wife is their mother, or my whole village was wiped out in a flood and I lost my entire family and the only home I ever knew…]

 

[Gwendolen]

I am the third born girl in my family, my dad really, really wanted that boy. He did get one in my little brother (they stopped trying for kids when they got their boy) and I spent my whole life feeling less than, that I could never really be what my dad wished for.

I really believe that you should stop “trying” for a girl, and start praying to love your beautiful healthy children completely no matter what their gender. I know you say you love them, and I know you do, but I mean love to the point that you don’t wish for anything other than what you have. “I love you BUT I still want a girl” does not feel like complete love to your children. BTDT. “keep trying till we get out desired gender” feels like cr*p to the children that were the “tries”.

It sounds like bashing, it is hard not to see this from the perspective of your twin sons, God grant you a safe pregnancy and delivery. I speak from horrific experience when I tell you that the healthy outcome of a twin pregnancy, particularly identicals sharing a placenta, should NEVER be taken for granted, and you will truly be the most blessed woman if gender disappointment is the worst thing you have to contend with.

 

[robwar]

Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matt. 5:4 Encourage everyone feeling grief and loss to take their trial to the Lord, for the Lord heals the broken-hearted. The Lord does not say, “You think you have problems? I don’t know whether to laught or cry, because you ain’t got nothin’!”

It is wrong to let your own real and profound grief be allowed to convince you that someone with a trial you see as preferable to yours has no business feeling grief over their own hardship. That is the road to a self-centered grief, and that is not a clean grief. A clean grief feels for others who are hurting, too, and joins with others who hurt to find comfort. That is the kind of grief that heals.

After all, aren’t there people who could say to the childless couple: “You’re upset because you’re childless? How can you feel grief over a child you never had! And at least you have each other! Aren’t you grateful for that? My wife and children died! Now I have something to feel grief about, not you!!” [Or my wife left me and took the children and didn’t leave so much as a note, or my husband divorced me, took the children, and is teaching my children that the woman he took as a wife is their mother, or my whole village was wiped out in a flood and I lost my entire family and the only home I ever knew…]

First of all, I have been through a lot in infertility and then adopting 3X internationally, Being upset because God didn’t give someone the sex they wanted is totally different than not having a biological child of one’s own. There is grief and then real grief. Being upset in a spoiled way because I want to vent about having 6 boys instead of some girl is what is being discusted here. I mentioned right now there are prayer requests over miscarriages and loss of children or sick children. This is not real grief at all but a pity party and there is a difference and your response to me is over the top. I cry for the miscarriages and sick children, not having the sex you think you deserve borders on the selfish and immature and is not grief. I am sure those that loss a child in Sandy brook feel the same way.

 

[Lucky7]

After all, aren’t there people who could say to the childless couple: “You’re upset because you’re childless? How can you feel grief over a child you never had! And at least you have each other! Aren’t you grateful for that? My wife and children died! Now I have something to feel grief about, not you!!”

And I totally get that. I am always reminding myself of all the blessings in my life and that I am being selfish when I whine about being childless. Actaully, I try to see it through God’s eyes and accept it.

Something’s different about the OP’s post and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

 

[robwar]

I agree with robwar. I think in our culture we place too much importance on our feelings, we feel we are “entitled” to them and suddenly everyone’s pain is equal. The pain felt because their child was not a specific gender is not equal to the pain of someone who is unable to have a child. Just like the pain I experience over having sick and special needs children is not equal to the pain of losing a child.

I understand about having special need children and you are in my prayers. Never give up!
thanks for your support.

 

[tabycat]

:bigyikes:

I wonder where Grandpa thought a baby could be hiding “it…” LOL

Yeah, well my Dad did the best he could, while not having a boy…I learned how to change a tire, change the oil in the car, hammer a nail, etc.

My oldest cousin on my dad’s side and me were Grandpa’s faverite grandchildern. Jimmy because he was oldest and I was the only girl.

 

[NSFrame]

First world problems.

Well, not exactly, but there is a kernel of that here.

 

[Faith0]

Also just wanted to add that I dream of having twin girls. I think this is a common dream for moms with 3+ boys b/c it allows a family to be blessed with more than one daughter which seems an impossible task for a couple that seem to only produce girls. And having 2 at once feels like it would up the odds that at least one would be a girl. It also lowers the odds that id end up having more babies in the near future. I know that if I found out I was having twins, my hope for a girl would be magnified times 10. Which would mean my disappointment that at least one was not a girl would be magnified times 10 too.

Exactly what I feel. I never mention this in front of my sons. I love all of them and I did feel the gender dissapointment with the last pregnancy (the twins). I, too, wished for twin daughters so that they could have each other. My selfish side said that I wanted to have a daughter, but why not 2 so they can have a playmate. No matter how they would be (either tomboys or what have you) I would still have the experience of mothering a daughter. Some people are quick to judge without knowing what one is feeling because they obviously have never felt it. Could it be something hormonal? Maybe… Same thing I felt about having twins…hoping that atleast one would be a girl. All I know my kids have heard me say is that I would love to have a daughter, but never ever mentioning that I wished they were (atleast one) a girl.