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robwar
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nothing you have posted is funny and now you want to turn it around as some big joke.Sorry about that…Lighten up…it was meant to be funny
I pity you, you are a trip.
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I pity you, you are a trip.
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Faith0
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We finally agree on something…“not unwarranted attacks and accusations…” some just keep at it, though
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Faith0
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God bless you, too!
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nodito
Guest
This kind of reminds me of the family of St. Therese of Liseux. Zelie and Louis Martin wanted desperately to have a priest in the family, and they prayed ardently for a boy. Zelie Martin actually did have two boys, but both died in infancy.
I imagine that at the time, the Martins felt their family would have been more complete, more beautiful, if it included a boy. I know Zelie was disappointed when her youngest (St. Therese!) turned out to be a girl. In hindsight, though, we’re able to look at that beautiful family of five girls who all became nuns and realize that although not what they would have chosen, we’d be hard pressed to find a more saintly family.
I’m sorry for your disappointment and your suffering. Adopt if you feel called to it, and praise God for the very real blessings that he has given you.
I imagine that at the time, the Martins felt their family would have been more complete, more beautiful, if it included a boy. I know Zelie was disappointed when her youngest (St. Therese!) turned out to be a girl. In hindsight, though, we’re able to look at that beautiful family of five girls who all became nuns and realize that although not what they would have chosen, we’d be hard pressed to find a more saintly family.
I’m sorry for your disappointment and your suffering. Adopt if you feel called to it, and praise God for the very real blessings that he has given you.
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mommamaree
Guest
I can assure you it was not funny.Sorry about that…Lighten up…it was meant to be funny
BTW, an apology followed by the exhortation to lighten up is not a real apology. Several posters here have objected to your attitude, as displayed in your original post and your condescending remarks to them and others. It might just be possible that other people are right about the problems they are trying to point out to you.
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Faith0
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Sigh…my apologies once again…this just totally got so out of hand it’s almost scary.
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Faith0
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So now Im crazy for trying to put a stop to all this and make peace?
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mommamaree
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I am not quite sure why my post caused you to feel that now all of a sudden everything has gotten so out of hand.
You didn’t need to apologize to me again. I am sorry that it seemed if I was asking for an apology where none was due. I am especially sensitive about types of apologies, based on my own personal issues with a very manipulative person in my life. I should not have let my concerns about the genuineness of an apology bleed through into this thread. That is my personal history, which has nothing to do with you. Also, your words were not personally directed at me anyway, and though I found some things you said alarming or distasteful, I never imagined a personal attack. After all, I only just commented for the first time about an hour ago.
I decided to respond on this thread because I saw some posters being told that their responses to your OP were inappropriate, despite the fact that, IMO, they have some very reasonable concerns they wanted you to be aware of, based upon your OP.
Anyway, I know you are expecting, and this is a challenging time for you. No preggo mama needs more stress added to her life. You need to be able to have a calm and peaceful time for nurturing those babies you carry. So, while several of the posters here (including myself) were expressing some criticisms of the language and opinions you expressed in your posts, what is still far more important is your relationships with your family and friends IRL, who have the benefit of knowing you and seeing your body language and hearing tone and inflection as you communicate.
I hope that the moment you hold your twin boys, all of the hormonally-induced thoughts/feelings fade to distant memory. You say many times how much you love your boys. I suspect that when your baby boys are born, you will fall so in love with them that any grief or disappointment you felt will be forgotten. You just take care of yourself in this time. I imagine you must be very busy, and time for self-care is crucial for mamas. God bless you and your babies.
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Faith0
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Thank you. Most of us were at some point were offended or hurt at each others comments. That is only human. It did scare me for a moment since it did begin to hurt me and make me feel uneasy as to what everyone was feeling and making each other feel. I am sorry to anyone that I might have caused any negative emotion. That was not my intention but somehow along the lines it just spiraled into something so negativeI am not quite sure why my post caused you to feel that now all of a sudden everything has gotten so out of hand.
You didn’t need to apologize to me again. I am sorry that it seemed if I was asking for an apology where none was due. I am especially sensitive about types of apologies, based on my own personal issues with a very manipulative person in my life. I should not have let my concerns about the genuineness of an apology bleed through into this thread. That is my personal history, which has nothing to do with you. Also, your words were not personally directed at me anyway, and though I found some things you said alarming or distasteful, I never imagined a personal attack. After all, I only just commented for the first time about an hour ago.
I decided to respond on this thread because I saw some posters being told that their responses to your OP were inappropriate, despite the fact that, IMO, they have some very reasonable concerns they wanted you to be aware of, based upon your OP.
Anyway, I know you are expecting, and this is a challenging time for you. No preggo mama needs more stress added to her life. You need to be able to have a calm and peaceful time for nurturing those babies you carry. So, while several of the posters here (including myself) were expressing some criticisms of the language and opinions you expressed in your posts, what is still far more important is your relationships with your family and friends IRL, who have the benefit of knowing you and seeing your body language and hearing tone and inflection as you communicate.
I hope that the moment you hold your twin boys, all of the hormonally-induced thoughts/feelings fade to distant memory. You say many times how much you love your boys. I suspect that when your baby boys are born, you will fall so in love with them that any grief or disappointment you felt will be forgotten. You just take care of yourself in this time. I imagine you must be very busy, and time for self-care is crucial for mamas. God bless you and your babies.
I do mean it from the bottom of my heart and with tears that this is not how I live my life (real life) and that I’m totally sorry if I made anyone feel uncomfortable in this thread with any single one of my comments or posts.
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Faith0
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And yes, I do wish to turn it around with a joke or what have you and not continue this fighting over nothing…really. Whatever it takes to turn it around. Negative feelings are not good for anyone’s soul.
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Faith0
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We learn something new everyday and I really didn’t think that my statement of “lighten up” could hurt anyone. I guess next time I should watch my words. As to the “gender dissapointment” I learned it when I was going through a sad time knowing that my chances or wish for having a daughter were slim to none. After all, I think we all have a way to dream a little and that is just a dream of mine. I even confessed it to the priest at my parish and to the priest that married my hubby and I. My question to both priests I spoke to about this was basically the following: “Is there something wrong with feeling ‘gender dissapointment’ with the baby or babies that I’m carrying because I felt confused and saddened and that was a new term or way of describing it that I had just learned about…” They both said that there was nothing bad with that and that my heart was full of love to give to my sons including to a little girl and that all I can do for now is look into adopting a little girl…both priests suggested it. One even went on to saying that it would be wrong to not want the child which is not my case. I want my babies and love them so much already, but still yearn for a daughter someday…if it happens great if not it’s ok, too. When I had all my four boys It never got to me like it got to me with this last pregnancy. After all, there is a 50/50 chance and all of mine have been on only one side…i.e., all 6 of them. It is all beyond my control or anyones and much less beyond my children’s control. I don’t hate them for being males and I felt like some people totally misunderstood what I was getting at and began to assume that I was probably not a good mother or ungrateful. That deeply hurt me for people to draw such a horrible image of me towards my children. I see them now and feel so much more love for them (if any more is possible…).
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mommamaree
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This was my suspicion, already, and my hope. I know that when I am pregnant, especially when I am really nauseous or really uncomfortably large, that my attitude gets really out of whack. It is a hazard of the job, I suppose. We get this amazing blessing to participate in the creation of a new life with God Almighty, and yet we are bound to experience all the woes and sufferings that accompany that.Thank you. Most of us were at some point were offended or hurt at each others comments. That is only human. It did scare me for a moment since it did begin to hurt me and make me feel uneasy as to what everyone was feeling and making each other feel. I am sorry to anyone that I might have caused any negative emotion. That was not my intention but somehow along the lines it just spiraled into something so negative
I do mean it from the bottom of my heart and with tears that this is not how I live my life (real life) and that I’m totally sorry if I made anyone feel uncomfortable in this thread with any single one of my comments or posts.
The gender disappointment issue is a thing that frankly, scares the heck out of me, because so many abortions are casually committed due to gender disappointment. I have been asked so many times what I am having, that it makes me weary. I feel like saying “I am having a BABY, for God’s sake.” That is one of the reasons why, unless a medical concern arises, I refuse ultrasounds. It gives me the whole pregnancy to get to know the baby in my womb, through its little movements, through that knowing of each other that only a mother could understand, and then when the baby is finally born, I forget to even check to see “what IT is” because my love and sense of accomplishment pushes such a thought out of my mind. I have to be reminded to see “what IT is”, to my confusion and embarrassment, because I am so wrapped up in the love of my BABY, that who cares about its gender in that moment.
I have a concern that ultrasound technology is a bit like Pandora’s box. Our curiosity to view the child in the womb, under the medical pretenses of diagnosing a problem, has ended up unleashing a world of emotional (and sometimes physical) pain upon mothers and babies in the modern world that we are ill-equipped to handle in such a critical time period. (As an example, in India, the ultrasound technicians are legally prohibited from revealing the baby’s gender because the prevalence of aborting baby girls is so widespread that it has caused a crisis. And as another example, ultrasound technology is used in much of the Western world to identify babies with Down’s and then to encourage abortion.) With so many babies being rejected, we Catholic mothers need to treasure our babies all the more, and welcome them no matter the gender or the disability or the deformities. And my husband and I have become very guarded when talking about our pregnancies and child genders, because so many people make judgments about the worthiness of life of babies these days, and you never know what some person is going to say in front of your children.
Anyway, that is my :twocents:
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hurtandhealing
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OP, I only read the first and last pages of this thread. My suggestion is not at all helpful for this pregnancy, but it is something you could consider if you are blessed with another pregnancy.
It is rare to find a couple who does not find out the sex of their baby during the pregnancy, but I strongly recommend it - especially when your heart is so set on having a girl. Certainly you would still feel disappointed, but I wonder if it would feel so strong if you found out at delivery. It is pretty hard to be disappointed at the beautiful baby you just worked to deliver!
(My oldest 2 are over a decade apart, due to infertility, and I couldn’t imagine parenting a boy after all the years of a girl. At one u/s, we thought we saw “something.” We even looked up pics on the internet where we determined that we didn’t see anything. I went from extreme disappointment to total relief. Yet, when they pulled my son out and told me he was a boy - I couldn’t imagine wanting any other child but him! I know that our circumstances aren’t the same - especially after all the boys you have - but it is something you might want to keep in the back of your mind.)
It is rare to find a couple who does not find out the sex of their baby during the pregnancy, but I strongly recommend it - especially when your heart is so set on having a girl. Certainly you would still feel disappointed, but I wonder if it would feel so strong if you found out at delivery. It is pretty hard to be disappointed at the beautiful baby you just worked to deliver!
(My oldest 2 are over a decade apart, due to infertility, and I couldn’t imagine parenting a boy after all the years of a girl. At one u/s, we thought we saw “something.” We even looked up pics on the internet where we determined that we didn’t see anything. I went from extreme disappointment to total relief. Yet, when they pulled my son out and told me he was a boy - I couldn’t imagine wanting any other child but him! I know that our circumstances aren’t the same - especially after all the boys you have - but it is something you might want to keep in the back of your mind.)
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KellyPalmer
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Wow, none of this has anything to do with anything I wrote. Did you read the statements you quoted? Did you read what those statements were in reply to? I didn’t equate her situation with a loss. The other poster was asking where is the compassion for grown adults who feel that they were indirectly effected by their parent longing for either a daughter or a son. The poster asked this in response to another poster asking where the compassion was for the OP in this thread. I was merely pointing out that it’s possible to have compassion for the OP and people who feel effected by their parents desires. That has nothing to do with so-called “real loss”. I have lost a child. I personally have suffered with infertility, baby loss and “gender disappointment”. These things are not mutually exclusive in many cases. It actually went the other way for me. I believe my previous history of infertility and baby loss actually made the disappointment more severe. The pain that I felt over the loss of the mother/daughter relationship was very real. Fortunately, you are not the one who determines what kind of loss or grief is real. If you could set aside self-righteousness for one moment, you may be able to consider that you don’t know everything. Can you love your neighbor no matter what? This has nothing to do with trophies but rather with relationships within the body of Christ. This effects us every day and for the rest of our lives. Our sons will leave their mothers. I don’t live near my husband’s mother. We (and our sons) live near my Mother. There is a difference between the relationship a mother has with her sons and with her daughters. A difference that lasts a lifetime. If you can’t understand how anyone would care one way or the other then you really should think about it a little more and perhaps take it to prayer. Or at the very least, stop attacking others here.
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robwar
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you are the cause.
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EasterJoy
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Can you not just leave her alone? I have been pregnant with twins, I have known many women who have, and I would not make any blanket conclusions about someone when she is in that condition. No matter how one’s brain usually operates, that is a lot of hormones.
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EasterJoy
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OP, were I you, I’d just leave this thread and not come back. You have tried to explain, but the jury has returned its verdict, that is that, and it is not going to get better.
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KellyPalmer
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No, my description of what you said was accurate. I went back and reread to be sure before I posted. In fact, you specifically stated that you didn’t think this would happen to the OP’s sons and then immediately followed that up with the question of where is the compassion for children who do grow up in the situations you described other people (not the OP) having. Check it out, post #148
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KellyPalmer
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But you can have compassion for the OP’s children and also have compassion for the OP. It’s just not that hard. It really isn’t. Makes me think of 1 Corinthians 13. I just can’t see how admonishing someone without any compassion in response to their cry of pain could possibly be the best thing to do – especially when you are admonishing them on something they have surely already considered. No one gets to that point without considering that. And those considerations likely already contributed to a lot of guilt. Same goes for the ‘mom of special needs children’ scenario. A mom doesn’t get to feeling like that without ever considering the things you would admonish her for. And yeah, if a mom was upset upon the news that all of her children will have special needs, she may grieve. And I would hope you would offer compassion, not admonishment. Sheesh! No one cries out in pain and wants admonishment at least not without compassion.
I can’t speak for the OP but I will say that I’ve thought everything she felt in her OP and worse. And I meant it. However, when the realization is still fresh, it feels intensified/focused. With time and prayer, I am able to look at the bigger picture and many of those feelings go away and/or diminish. But still, I meant them. And I really didn’t think anything she said was so “extreme”. To me, it’s obvious that those weren’t her only feelings. With these types of feelings that we have to keep hidden, sometimes posting anonymously on an internet forum is one of the few places we can release them. It’s ok.
I can’t speak for the OP but I will say that I’ve thought everything she felt in her OP and worse. And I meant it. However, when the realization is still fresh, it feels intensified/focused. With time and prayer, I am able to look at the bigger picture and many of those feelings go away and/or diminish. But still, I meant them. And I really didn’t think anything she said was so “extreme”. To me, it’s obvious that those weren’t her only feelings. With these types of feelings that we have to keep hidden, sometimes posting anonymously on an internet forum is one of the few places we can release them. It’s ok.
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Lucky7
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Post of the thread right there.
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