It’s not like I can help it . . .
- Status
I’m 30. And I’ve been praying to know what to do with my life since I was in high school. Not just about whether or not I’ll meet the right person, but for my life’s path in general. Other than the fact that I’m not in high school anymore, my life really hasn’t progressed.
That makes sense. Not sure what more I can do about it, but it makes sense.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing available for adults with it, if they catch it while the person is still a child, there’s things they can do to help your brain develop better, but once you’re an adult, the brain is pretty much fully wired and not much can be done.
It too is something I’ve been praying about for years . . .
N
Norseman82
Guest
The whole problem I find with the “quit looking” or “you will find someone when you least expect it” soundbites are the following:
- As a healthy male, there will only be 3 ways I will “quit looking”:
a) Death
b) Marriage
c) I will simply throw in the towel. But by then I will most likely be too bitter, so what good would it do to find someone then? - If you find someone when you “least expect it”, it is also possible that one will not be able to recognize what is happening, so what good does it do then?
G
GodIsGracious
Guest
Well, if you quit looking without being open to possibilities that are out there, sure, you may pass someone up. There’s more to “quit looking” than “quit looking.”
N
Norseman82
Guest
If one is open to possibilities, then they haven’t “quit looking”.Well, if you quit looking without being open to possibilities that are out there, sure, you may pass someone up. There’s more to “quit looking” than “quit looking.”
G
GodIsGracious
Guest
Uhm. There’s a difference between looking and doing nothing but looking and just living your life and if someone comes up, whoa! There you go. The latter is “quit looking.”
I’m not talking about giving up. That’s something completely different.
At anyrate, I know some people won’t get this until they get it, or if they get it. I didn’t either until it happened to me. So far, it’s worked. Dunno about you.
Good luck and peace be with you.
N
Norseman82
Guest
You’re a female, aren’t you? That probably explains why you post what you do. And this is not meant to be insulting, just to point out gender roles in dating.
“Quit looking” may work for FEMALES, because they are the ones who are pursued. However, MALES are the PURSUERS, and so tellling them to QUIT LOOKING = STOP PURSUING.
G
GodIsGracious
Guest
Yes, I am a woman. But I have had MALE FRIENDS TELL ME THE SAME THING. That THEY QUIT LOOKING. And it was THEN that they found someone.
Sorry, but I’m going with the success stories I know.
Came back to add:
All the guys I know that “found” someone when they “quit looking,” were going about and living their lives. Then they MET someone and a relationship happened. Only one guy I know of of all the men who were SPECIFICALLY LOOKING for a relationship has “found” someone. They’re about to get married. But then again, it’s more of a, “You’ll do. we need to get to breeding NOW.” The rest? Still looking. Still whining they can’t find someone. And it’s not just me who talks about this, but other people I know as well. They’ve experienced the same thing. Both, men and women.
O
opera
Guest
Thank you for posting this topic. Simply bringing up this subject is helpful in and of itself. Although the responses have been wide and varied, the important thing is that it creates an awareness of the situation. Here’s what I mean by “situation”: The Church teaches that some people are called to the priesthood/religious life, and a few a called to be single. However, the vast majority of people are called to marriage. Contrast this with the fact that single people now account for 42% of the population (this is twice the number of singles in the 1950’s), single women now outnumber married women, and the number of Catholics marrying for the first time is at an all time low. These stats are all in reference to the United States and I came across all of them in Catholic periodicals or websites. I know one has to be cautious regarding statistics, but I have seen similar stats in a variety of sources now, and they certainly reflect my experience and that of numerous friends and acquaintances.
This is a huge problem. This means that there are large numbers of people, Catholic or otherwise, who are called to marriage who are unable or unwilling to answer that call. (I say unwilling in reference to the growing number of people who live together as another alternative to marriage.) As more people in the Church in the U.S. become aware of this, I hope we will see more ministry for singles, including more help, encouragement, and prayers for those who have discerned a calling to marriage.
I know the big focus has been on the shortage of priests/religious, although I have read that this situation now depends on the diocese in which one resides. I hope and pray we will see more people who have a religious calling answer that call. However, the long term reality is that if good Catholics are not marrying and having children in the present time, then twenty or thirty years from now, we will be right back where we started in terms of the shortage of priests and vowed religious. I once heard a very devout priest say that vocations to the priesthood/religious life generally come from good Catholic homes. That being the case, it is in the Church’s best interest to promote and encourage all vocations, whether it’s religious vocations or vocations to marriage.
In terms of a practical response to your question, the best advice I can offer, in addition to putting yourself in situations where you can meet other people, is to try be the best person you can in all areas of life, spiritual, physical, etc. Next, try to pray for your future spouse. Maybe you’re ready but he isn’t. I know a wonderful Catholic couple who married in their late thirties or early forties. Prior to their meeting, she had been a devout Catholic all her life. He on the other hand had been “Mr. party-city”, i.e. drugs, sex and rock and roll well into his thirties. He finally reverted back to his faith, became very devout and orthodox, and thereafter met his wife. He was finally ready to be the husband and father that God had been calling him to be. So you never know. God may be in the process of preparing someone for you. Your future husband may just not be ready yet, or as another friend of mine once said, “He’s only half baked.”
C
catherinette
Guest
Thanks for the advice GodIsGracious and Jay82; it was just the sort of thing I need to be reminded of sometimes. 
Since I am actually not quite a catherinette, the thought of not being married until I am in my 30’s is a little scary; but on the other hand, as I was thinking today, if I had the choice of being married to just anyone next year, or waiting 10 years and finally marrying the right man, I know which one I would prefer! So I guess today I’ll just have to try harder to be the woman I am supposed to be!
Since I am actually not quite a catherinette, the thought of not being married until I am in my 30’s is a little scary; but on the other hand, as I was thinking today, if I had the choice of being married to just anyone next year, or waiting 10 years and finally marrying the right man, I know which one I would prefer! So I guess today I’ll just have to try harder to be the woman I am supposed to be!This is why I don’t understand why many churches don’t offer anything for singles. At my friend’s protestant church, they do a lot of things to help singles meet. They have a Bible study followed by social time for singles aged 21 - 35 or something like that. When my friend got married, they actually had a goodbye party for him because since he wasn’t single anymore, he wouldn’t be able to go to that specific group anymore. At most churches in my area, they have youth group and then everything else is general audience for the most part. I go there and am the only person under 65 years old. It’s in the church’s very best interest for Catholic singles to come together and form good, Catholic familes that produce good, Catholic children that grow into strong, Catholic adults, but it does’t (at least in my experience and many others I’ve talked to) do anything to promote this.Thank you for posting this topic. Simply bringing up this subject is helpful in and of itself. Although the responses have been wide and varied, the important thing is that it creates an awareness of the situation. Here’s what I mean by “situation”: The Church teaches that some people are called to the priesthood/religious life, and a few a called to be single. However, the vast majority of people are called to marriage. Contrast this with the fact that single people now account for 42% of the population (this is twice the number of singles in the 1950’s), single women now outnumber married women, and the number of Catholics marrying for the first time is at an all time low. These stats are all in reference to the United States and I came across all of them in Catholic periodicals or websites. I know one has to be cautious regarding statistics, but I have seen similar stats in a variety of sources now, and they certainly reflect my experience and that of numerous friends and acquaintances.
This is a huge problem. This means that there are large numbers of people, Catholic or otherwise, who are called to marriage who are unable or unwilling to answer that call. (I say unwilling in reference to the growing number of people who live together as another alternative to marriage.) As more people in the Church in the U.S. become aware of this, I hope we will see more ministry for singles, including more help, encouragement, and prayers for those who have discerned a calling to marriage.
I know the big focus has been on the shortage of priests/religious, although I have read that this situation now depends on the diocese in which one resides. I hope and pray we will see more people who have a religious calling answer that call. However, the long term reality is that if good Catholics are not marrying and having children in the present time, then twenty or thirty years from now, we will be right back where we started in terms of the shortage of priests and vowed religious. I once heard a very devout priest say that vocations to the priesthood/religious life generally come from good Catholic homes. That being the case, it is in the Church’s best interest to promote and encourage all vocations, whether it’s religious vocations or vocations to marriage.
In terms of a practical response to your question, the best advice I can offer, in addition to putting yourself in situations where you can meet other people, is to try be the best person you can in all areas of life, spiritual, physical, etc. Next, try to pray for your future spouse. Maybe you’re ready but he isn’t. I know a wonderful Catholic couple who married in their late thirties or early forties. Prior to their meeting, she had been a devout Catholic all her life. He on the other hand had been “Mr. party-city”, i.e. drugs, sex and rock and roll well into his thirties. He finally reverted back to his faith, became very devout and orthodox, and thereafter met his wife. He was finally ready to be the husband and father that God had been calling him to be. So you never know. God may be in the process of preparing someone for you. Your future husband may just not be ready yet, or as another friend of mine once said, “He’s only half baked.”
N
Norseman82
Guest
Well, you must run with a different circle of Catholics than I do.Yes, I am a woman. But I have had MALE FRIENDS TELL ME THE SAME THING. That THEY QUIT LOOKING. And it was THEN that they found someone.
Sorry, but I’m going with the success stories I know.
Came back to add:
All the guys I know that “found” someone when they “quit looking,” were going about and living their lives. Then they MET someone and a relationship happened. Only one guy I know of of all the men who were SPECIFICALLY LOOKING for a relationship has “found” someone. They’re about to get married. But then again, it’s more of a, “You’ll do. we need to get to breeding NOW.” The rest? Still looking. Still whining they can’t find someone. And it’s not just me who talks about this, but other people I know as well. They’ve experienced the same thing. Both, men and women.
N
Norseman82
Guest
That’s because people find it easier to brush people off and get rid of them by telling them that they will find someone when they least expect it and they should stop looking rather than taking the problem seriously. There are some Catholic groups, though, that do take the problem seriously, such as the National Catholic Singles Conference. I would suggest checking them out.
C
Captain_America
Guest
I’m 46; been married ten years. I was in my early 20s (already) when I discovered, to my amazement, that WOMEN consciously decide IF and WHEN they want to date. THEN they decide to see what’s out there. . . at that age, of course, I was always alert for attractive women looking for someone.
Desperation gives off a bad smell and it’s off-putting for members of both genders. i think the advice you’re getting is to not be too serious, too tense, too off-putting.
ONE BIG problem you’ve got is that men in their 20s are much less likely to be looking specifically to get married. There’s the living together option, which keeps younger adults acting more childish.
Desperation gives off a bad smell and it’s off-putting for members of both genders. i think the advice you’re getting is to not be too serious, too tense, too off-putting.
ONE BIG problem you’ve got is that men in their 20s are much less likely to be looking specifically to get married. There’s the living together option, which keeps younger adults acting more childish.
G
GodIsGracious
Guest
[emphasis mine]
I don’t think anyone is brushing anyone off or getting rid of them by saying simple platitudes. We are taking the problem seriously. And those of us who have been in your shoes know what you’re talking about. Like me. I know EXACTLY where you are and what you’re going through.
What some of us are gently saying is: get a life.
Join singles groups. Join hobby groups. Take a class to learn a language. Take a crafting class to learn … quilting (men quilt you know, my boyfriend’s father, definitely a manly man, quilts), woodworking, art history, bible study. Find a hiking group if you like the outdoors.
Start a singles group in your church if it’s so important and one is lacking, or in your diocese. Just quit looking and LIVE LIFE. Work on yourself to be the best person you can be for your spouse.
I have a friend who was pining about finding someone. She found him in the least expected place: a disneyland group of people who have a season pass and meet up there periodically. Turns out he has a lot of the same interests as her. And she travels for her job and at 40 you’d think her prospects would be slim. It happened when she least expected it and when she quit "looking" And started to live her own life. The man I met was in the LAST place I’d look, and if I had stuck hard and fast to a “rule” I had made for myself I would have closed myself off to that opportunity. In the mean time I worked on myself, my spirituallity, learning to improve who I am and how I can be of service to the people around me and in my life. I, literally, got a hobby.
Looking for someone involves going some place to specifically find a life partner. “Interviewing” them and scrutinizing if they’re going to be a “good spouse” or “good parent”, see if you two like the same things and have the same values so you can get along for the rest of your life.
When you quit looking you start to live your life. I told you, people don’t get this, until they (or if they) get it.
At anyrate, clearly what you’re doing is working out for you. So, good luck.
S
Sierrah
Guest
I don’t buy “the theory” either. I think God has maybe several compatible people out there for us it’s just a matter of finding them or looking with the right eyes.I responded before reading your post.
I know it’s frustrating to hear about “God’s will” and all that, especially when it is in the face of what it is that we want.
The only “problem” I see with what you say here is that there is the assumption that there is only one person out there for you.
See, I don’t believe that.
Besides, I don’t think God would pick someone out for you that would not cross your path. Do you think that God would have picked Mary if she would have said “No.” Or changed her mind while pregnant? Don’t think so.
I never believed my friends when they said that they “quit looking” and that they prayed for “God’s will” and they found someone. Until it happened to me.
That is not to say that “quit looking” means you don’t leave yourself open to possibilities. You never know where those possibilities may come from. It also does not mean that it’s all a fairy tale ending and happily ever after. In fact, just tonight I had to clear up something I said a few nights ago. He didn’t know what I meant by some statement I had made. Once I made it clear what I meant, things were cool. This is part of working in the relationship.
If God hadn’t put him in my life, I don’t think we’d be working together the way we do in our relationship.
P
purplesunshine
Guest
To the OP
One of the things that God has taught me is that He prepares us step by step. Have you ever read the children’s book “A Little Princess”? In the book, whenever she’s starving, lonely, cold etc, something comes along to save her from complete despair. Fact is that many of us who want families may not be in the place God wants us to be open to that.
Start by asking God regularly “What do you want me to do today?” and get in the habit of it.
Then progress to sharing things with God, “God I share this hour of work with you, be with me…etc…” however it is most comfortable to you.
Being in God and with God will help you share your will with God and you will come to an even better place. Bob Rice of Steubenville has a great song called “Drive thru Jesus”. He was having a ****** day so starving he went to McDonalds and ordered the biggest burger, fries and coke on the menu. However, his wife realized he had a bad day and prepared his favorite meal, flame-broiled steak, homade garlic mashed potatoes, nice red wine, asparagus, homemade rolls…just so extravagant. He was too full to eat even a bite. How this is too true in our lives. God often lets us go to Mc Dondalds becuase we’re hungry when he’s prepared a feast.
One of the things that God has taught me is that He prepares us step by step. Have you ever read the children’s book “A Little Princess”? In the book, whenever she’s starving, lonely, cold etc, something comes along to save her from complete despair. Fact is that many of us who want families may not be in the place God wants us to be open to that.
Start by asking God regularly “What do you want me to do today?” and get in the habit of it.
Then progress to sharing things with God, “God I share this hour of work with you, be with me…etc…” however it is most comfortable to you.
Being in God and with God will help you share your will with God and you will come to an even better place. Bob Rice of Steubenville has a great song called “Drive thru Jesus”. He was having a ****** day so starving he went to McDonalds and ordered the biggest burger, fries and coke on the menu. However, his wife realized he had a bad day and prepared his favorite meal, flame-broiled steak, homade garlic mashed potatoes, nice red wine, asparagus, homemade rolls…just so extravagant. He was too full to eat even a bite. How this is too true in our lives. God often lets us go to Mc Dondalds becuase we’re hungry when he’s prepared a feast.
R
Rascalking
Guest
Hee Hee. Read more George McDonald books! Lose your self in Romantic poetry! Take a day off and day dream! DO some writing!
And never forget to pray!
Tim
N
Norseman82
Guest
But didn’t you get the other memo from her - you’re supposed to “stop looking”it’s just a matter of finding them or looking with the right eyes.
[/sarcasm]Thanks for your advice. I get what you’re saying. Due to my condition, I don’t see my situation changing anytime, but I understand what you’re saying
- Status