I want my mommy and my blankie. (Another single's rant)

[Bataar]

The kind of man you’d have to hunt down probably doesn’t want to be caught.

No need to rant about being single. Being single frees you to do a lot of things that married and religious people cannot do because of obligations and circumstances. Lots of heroic and amazing things can be done in society by people who are unencumbered with family. And on the way, you may meet a kindred soul.

Never say never. Just not right now.

And you may decide eventually there are worse things in life than germs, and you may want a child.

Just live your life happily and in God’s friendship now. Getting to know who you are and what you want and what God wants of you will go a long way to guiding you where you should be.

Being single isn’t the worst thing in the world. Thinking you have a soulmate and being thrown back on the singles pile by someone you trusted is worse. You’re being smart. Cautious and true to yourself. Just start each day with a prayer: God, what will You have me do today?

Each day you live like that will take you where you need to go.

That’s depressing. I must be on the right track then, no matter how boring, pointless, unfulfilling, lonely, and meaningless my life is. I pray for things to get better, I pray for guidance, I pray for healing and nadda. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing which leads me to believe that my current life which consists simply of going to a job I don’t like with people I don’t like and coming home and staying at home when I’m not at work is pretty much what I’m supposed to do because I can’t find any alternatives. I hate having Aspergers so much . . .

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I’m also single. In my point of view and experience, men are really not that interested in sex! I said in my experience, remember. The same ones who will talk, talk, talk about it will run and hide when a woman wants it. To me, the biggest stumbling block as a single woman is the longer you are single and the more you learn to live with it, the more you enjoy the freedom. This is wonderful, except that for some reason men think they are smarter and better at directing things than women. That’s okay if you haven’t been single for a long time. But if you have, it’s irritating to be told how to do something when you already know and to be treated as if he knows what is good for you when you have been determining that for yourself. Yet, the same thing that is irritating can be attractive - every woman probably wants the strong man who can protect her and knows what to do in times of trouble. It’s a pickle! It’s hard for a woman who is used to being single to realize a man wants to direct things, etc., because it makes him feel needed and it is something natural for him. It’s so easy to be a single woman and not have to deal with that. (Except with male friends.) And, yet, in my opinion, in many ways, it really is so difficult to live without a husband.

 

[ac_claire]

Again, one webmaster/author writing on a website of an obscure organization does not necessarily equal offical Church teaching. Besides, is the author a Church official or just some anonymous independent blogger? Plus, the CCC references he quotes say nothing about singleness being a vocation; in fact, the only states of life that I have heard the CCC call a “calling” or vocation are marriage and “virginity for the sake of the kingdom”, which is further defined as priestly ministry or consecrated/religious life.

Yeah I think Norseman is right…the single life has never been recognized as a “vocation” in Church teaching. I have a post earlier in this thread that seems to hint that it does, sorry about that. Helping the confusing right along, I have been noticing over the past year or two an exlosion of “single life vocation” stories in the Catholic media. And we know that apostolates like Opus Dei can teach people how to consecrate their lives and work no matter what station of life we’re in. That does not equal a teaching on the single lay vocation, but it’s not something that’s discouraged either.

 

[sabriner]

dakotagirl, the one thing that stood out to me in your post is your concern about feeling restricted… i have to say that my belief–and the general one–is that the religious life is anything but restricted and confining!

maybe if that’s something you haven’t considered yet, please do. don’t put aside the religious life yet. it takes time to decide your response to the call of God. like what others have said, submit yourselves to prayer, especially with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. It might also help to use this prayer, I’ve just come across it again and it’s such a powerful prayer i thought i might share it:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Christ said that to live we must die to ourselves. This is how we are truly free. That is the basic belief of the Catholic, that in our offering of ourselves we are freed, because only God can free us. So you see, this is the aim of the religious life, and so it is completely opposite of the idea that it is confining or restricting. Also, there are many different kinds of states of religious life, from the cloistered (yes, which IS the most “restricting”) to the missionary to “lay” sisters, etc.

I’m not trying to get you to join the convent already! I’m just thinking that maybe there are aspects of the religious life that you might not have realized yet? Correct me if I’m wrong…

i apologize, i haven’t read all the posts so not sure if i haven’t addressed anything already…

p.s. pray especially to the saints and read about them. they really teach a lot!

 

[dakotagirl]

dakotagirl, the one thing that stood out to me in your post is your concern about feeling restricted… i have to say that my belief–and the general one–is that the religious life is anything but restricted and confining!

maybe if that’s something you haven’t considered yet, please do. don’t put aside the religious life yet. it takes time to decide your response to the call of God. like what others have said, submit yourselves to prayer, especially with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. It might also help to use this prayer, I’ve just come across it again and it’s such a powerful prayer i thought i might share it:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Christ said that to live we must die to ourselves. This is how we are truly free. That is the basic belief of the Catholic, that in our offering of ourselves we are freed, because only God can free us. So you see, this is the aim of the religious life, and so it is completely opposite of the idea that it is confining or restricting. Also, there are many different kinds of states of religious life, from the cloistered (yes, which IS the most “restricting”) to the missionary to “lay” sisters, etc.

I’m not trying to get you to join the convent already! I’m just thinking that maybe there are aspects of the religious life that you might not have realized yet? Correct me if I’m wrong…

i apologize, i haven’t read all the posts so not sure if i haven’t addressed anything already…

p.s. pray especially to the saints and read about them. they really teach a lot!

Thanks to everybody who replied. I will try to think about the religious life in a different light. The only thing is that my prayer life is good, I grew up on the saints…I feel like I should know by now, because everyone I know who seems to have their life put together and seems open to God’s grace already knows what their vocation is.

Norseman: I don’t abhor children, and I never tell men. To borrow from another poster on this topic, I like them like I like elephants; I just don’t want them in my home.

 

[GodIsGracious]

Norseman: I don’t abhor children, and I never tell men. To borrow from another poster on this topic, I like them like I like elephants; I just don’t want them in my home.

You’re not the only one who doesn’t want children and is Catholic.

As Catholics we’re bound to Church’s teachings. i.e. if you want to get married and have a Catholic wedding, you have to be open to the possibility of life (always assumed to mean “children”) that God may put into your marriage. This puts those of us who do wish to marry yet do not want children into a sucky situation.

This is one of the main reasons (amongst others), that have kept me away from the Catholic faith. I mean really, how is it that I can want marriage but not want children? I have NEVER wanted children. Infact, I’ve been expressing a LACK OF DESIRE for kids since I was 6 years old. I suspect younger but I don’t remember my childhood younger than 6. Your parents and other parented folks will cheerfully remind you that you just need to find the right man, or find a “good Catholic man” and you’ll change your mind. Especially if you’re a woman. Or you just need to grow up. This has always been my response: At 40, I have yet to feel an inkling of a desire for children. I always used to quip, “I think my biological clock is broken. I don’t hear it ticking.”

I’ve always gotten the question, “What’s the point in getting married if you don’t want kids?” The world is child-centric. i.e. mostly about breeding. As a woman who does not want children I actually find it rather tiresome.

That being said, from a Catholic perspective, it may just mean that you’re “not being called to the vocation of marriage.” I didn’t like hearing that and it got me rather . I mean really, if God created Eve to be a helper for Adam, why do I still have a desire to be married and have a companionship with a man?

BTW, I did find a “good Catholic man.” And he doesn’t want kids either. We’re not presently married right now, but I’ll be honest, due to previous (permanent) actions taken by myself in my life, if we do get married, there will be no children. But I will say this, should we decide to marry, I can say I will be open to the possibility of life, but it may not be children, specifically.

I can’t tell you what to do, nor will I. All I can suggest is you pray. And just because you don’t want children it doesn’t mean you have to be a religious either. There is nothing wrong with you - God made you exactly as you are and so you are perfect.

BTW, I’ve never felt a lacking in my life for not having had children. Ever. My life is full and complete and satisfying. The only time I have felt any amount of lacking in my life was because I did not have God in it. Once I allowed God into the picture and turned my will and my life over to Him, it was full and satisfying and I was not for want in anything.

If you want to PM me, feel free. Peace.

 

[dakotagirl]

Thanks, luv. I know not wanting kids isn’t the devil. I haven’t told my 'rents yet though, for they surely will think something is wrong with me. Am I gay? Ah, they suspected it all along. Am I confused? Ah, they KNEW I was immature yet.

 

[GodIsGracious]

Thanks, luv. I know not wanting kids isn’t the devil. I haven’t told my 'rents yet though, for they surely will think something is wrong with me. Am I gay? Ah, they suspected it all along. Am I confused? Ah, they KNEW I was immature yet.

awww… I feel ya.

Imagine my mom, I’m her only child. So … no hope for grandchildren for her! At least with others I know, like my boyfriend, there are siblings to “take up the slack” on the grandchildren department. Like my current beau and his family. His sister has had a child and is trying for more.

 

[ac_claire]

Since you’re not even married yet, do you think it’s really the right idea to be closing the door completely on the idea of kids? You can’t truly consider being open to life until you’re in a situation where that’s even possible, morally and physically, you know what I mean?

I changed my mind and went back anf forth on a great many things in my life and half the time what I thought I knew turned out, in time, to be wrong.

 

[dakotagirl]

Nope. Not closing the door. However, this just in from another thread; it gives me joy:

Q. What is the exact teaching of the Church on the comparative merits of matrimony and virginity? A. The Church teaches that it is of faith that virginity is preferable to matrimony.
In the 10th canon of the 24th session of the Council of Trent we find this doctrine: “If any one saith that the marriage state is to be preferred before the state of virginity, or celibacy, and that it is not better and more blessed to remain in virginity, or in celibacy, than to be united in matrimony, let him be anathema” (that is, accursed).

 

[mrpathetic]

True, virginity/celibacy is preferable to that of matrimony. I think that most of us here who know the catechism understand this. It offers more opportunities for prayer and acts of charity, which are vital to holiness.

But the celibate life is calling, just like the other vocational callings. And this is the calling for the smaller part of humanity. Most humans are called to the conjugal life, within the bounds of holy matrimony. This is God’s plan for sexuality, so that the human race can procreate and sustain itself.

The ultimate question is this: what is God calling you to be, DakotaGirl? This is your vocation, and only you can discern it for yourself. You need to ask the Lord what he wants you to do with your life - with regards to your life state, ministry, and occupation.

Perhaps your are indeed being called to the blessed celibate life. But this is a calling that only God can give you. And only you can find this out from the Lord. Neither I, nor any other poster in this forum, or any other human being, can tell you this. The Lord will reveal this to you, and only you, through prayer and reflection. And yes, the answer may only come over time, so you must be patient, while you attempt to discern it.

So don’t let others influence you. They can offer you suggestions on how to discern your vocation - but only the Lord can tell you what it is.

 

[dakotagirl]

True, virginity/celibacy is preferable to that of matrimony. I think that most of us here who know the catechism understand this. It offers more opportunities for prayer and acts of charity, which are vital to holiness.

But the celibate life is calling, just like the other vocational callings. And this is the calling for the smaller part of humanity. Most humans are called to the conjugal life, within the bounds of holy matrimony. This is God’s plan for sexuality, so that the human race can procreate and sustain itself.

The ultimate question is this: what is God calling you to be, DakotaGirl? This is your vocation, and only you can discern it for yourself. You need to ask the Lord what he wants you to do with your life - with regards to your life state, ministry, and occupation.

Perhaps your are indeed being called to the blessed celibate life. **But this is a calling that only God can give you. And only you can find this out from the Lord. **Neither I, nor any other poster in this forum, or any other human being, can tell you this. The Lord will reveal this to you, and only you, through prayer and reflection. And yes, the answer may only come over time, so you must be patient, while you attempt to discern it.

So don’t let others influence you. They can offer you suggestions on how to discern your vocation - but only the Lord can tell you what it is.

Drat. I was hoping.

 

[mrpathetic]

Sorry, the path of discernment is not easy. You have to do the hard work. And it is not fast work, either. Some people spend years trying to discern the Lord’s calling.

The good news is this: you at least are attempting to do this. That gives you a “leg up” on many others.

Many people wander through life, without a clue as to what their vocation is. They don’t even bother to ask. Then, when they end up completely miserable, because they’ve made the wrong choice, they blame God. Go figure.

The Lord has a calling for you, and He will give you the graces to discern it. And yes, the single life may be it. Or perhaps it will be the life of the religious, or of holy matrimony.

================================================================

I strongly recommend the following: find other individuals in your parish or diocese, who have chosen the route of committed single. Ask them how they discerned their vocational calling. Ask them how this helps them live out their call to holiness. Maybe the route they chose will help you.

 

[Bataar]

Sorry, the path of discernment is not easy. You have to do the hard work. And it is not fast work, either. Some people spend years trying to discern the Lord’s calling.

The good news is this: you at least are attempting to do this. That gives you a “leg up” on many others.

Many people wander through life, without a clue as to what their vocation is. They don’t even bother to ask. Then, when they end up completely miserable, because they’ve made the wrong choice, they blame God. Go figure.

The Lord has a calling for you, and He will give you the graces to discern it. And yes, the single life may be it. Or perhaps it will be the life of the religious, or of holy matrimony.

================================================================

I strongly recommend the following: find other individuals in your parish or diocese, who have chosen the route of committed single. Ask them how they discerned their vocational calling. Ask them how this helps them live out their call to holiness. Maybe the route they chose will help you.

It’s hard to discern a vocation or anything when God is completely silent on the issue. I’ve been praying about it for years.

 

[GodIsGracious]

It’s hard to discern a vocation or anything when God is completely silent on the issue. I’ve been praying about it for years.

Maybe that is your answer, that you’re fine right where you are.

 

[ac_claire]

It’s hard to discern a vocation or anything when God is completely silent on the issue. I’ve been praying about it for years.

…and sometimes God takes his time. I daresay he always takes his own time. Those who feel that they have been waiting forever, perhaps you are meant to grow in patience and trust of our Lord during this time. That’s how it was for me. When I stopped looking and decided that I would trust the Lord completely to guide me and be happy with whatever path he set for me, that’s when my vocation began to be realized, and I met the right person. Finally lol.

 

[GodIsGracious]

…and sometimes God takes his time. I daresay he always takes his own time. Those who feel that they have been waiting forever, perhaps you are meant to grow in patience and trust of our Lord during this time. That’s how it was for me. When I stopped looking and decided that I would trust the Lord completely to guide me and be happy with whatever path he set for me, that’s when my vocation began to be realized, and I met the right person. Finally lol.

I did exactly that too! I remember my prayer. I essentially prayed to God, that if he wants me to be with someone, HE will have to find him for me. I give up. And if he felt I shouldn’t be with anyone I’m fine with that too. It’s HIS will, not mine.

Almost immediately, within a month I dare say, I found someone. And even the guy I met told me that he prayed to God for someone, and then I showed up in his life.

We do try to live by God’s will, not ours. We’re doing alright.

 

[Bob_Crowley]

So basically I just need some wise words to encourage me in my (possible) vocation, whatever it is. I know there are good Catholic men out there, but the kind I like, well with complete honesty, I don’t think they exist. The problem is that I dwell too much on past relationships and fret MAJORLY about what I could/should have done, whenever I start to think that maybe it’s me who’s the problem and I’m asking too much or whatever. I’m terrified that I’m not being open to God’s will. It’s so frustrating.
With that said, most of the time I LIKE being single. There. I said it. I do hate to shock people so very much, but I don’t actually want children (they are overrated and germy), and men have some qualities that irritate me, like apparently being sex-focused (or so I’m told). In addition, I just like being able to do merrily do my own thing. But once again, I’m terrified that I’m not doing God’s will, and feel like I should be studiously hunting for a man. I know the Church doesn’t have an official teaching on singleness as a vocation. Does anybody have any advice for me?? Thanks to all.

Dakotagirl

If you were being called to the celibate, religious life, I think God would be making it pretty obvious. If He’s not, then don’t worry about it. On the other hand, it doesn’t seem like He’s making much of an effort to push you towards marriage either, so I wouldn’t get too worried about that either.

One thing I do know - don’t make any major decisions while you’re under a lot of stress.

I’d just suggest you pray and ask God to make it clear. When He does speak it is sometimes through a persistent spiritual pressure. But it can also come through, or at least line up with, Scripture. And the other way is through another Christian, preferably Catholic. But even then you have to weigh up what has been offered.

In the meantime if you’re after decent company, join a Catholic singles group or some sort of CAtholic social group. The problem with too much socialising outside Church circles is temptation.

Best of luck.

 

[sabriner]

also, i’m not sure if you already have one, so i’m recommending that you get a good Spiritual Director, if not a vocational director. and don’t worry, even if it is a religious or a priest, they won’t force you to be a religious. if they do that–or vice versa, force you into any vocation–find a different person. Ask Mama Mary to guide you to a good one. True, your calling will call from “your heart,” meaning the decision is ultimately yours, but God speaks to us in many ways, including other people, His greatest of all creation.

 

[GraceDK]

So basically I just need some wise words to encourage me in my (possible) vocation, whatever it is. I know there are good Catholic men out there, but the kind I like, well with complete honesty, I don’t think they exist. The problem is that I dwell too much on past relationships and fret MAJORLY about what I could/should have done, whenever I start to think that maybe it’s me who’s the problem and I’m asking too much or whatever. I’m terrified that I’m not being open to God’s will. It’s so frustrating.
With that said, most of the time I LIKE being single. There. I said it. I do hate to shock people so very much, but I don’t actually want children (they are overrated and germy), and men have some qualities that irritate me, like apparently being sex-focused (or so I’m told). In addition, I just like being able to do merrily do my own thing. But once again, I’m terrified that I’m not doing God’s will, and feel like I should be studiously hunting for a man. I know the Church doesn’t have an official teaching on singleness as a vocation. Does anybody have any advice for me?? Thanks to all.

Dakotagirl

Live your life and be happy
Maybe someday a really cute guy will come along and sweep you off your feet and you wanna have 10 babies with him. It might not happen… whether or not, if you are happy right now, then allow your self to be happy Nothing wrong with that.
As for me… I am single and miserable about it. I want love and kids… but not anyone’s kids, you know what I mean…