T
Trishie
Guest
You can take this as you wish…am just reporting some occurences in my life. Maybe it answers your question in as much as anyone else can…but I leave it to you.
During childhood, my underlying preoccupation was with God. Yet I sometimes wondered if God really exists, and questioned whether it was truly possible for God to love such massive numbers of imperfect human beings. When finally I posed a question about faith to my father, he simply replied, “You just have to have faith.” That was unsatisfactory to my logic.
I recall an episode during a time of particular interior questioning when I was ten years old. As I roamed Saint Michael’s schoolyard, pondering those troubling questions yet again, I was thinking— “We are like millions of generations of ants…generation upon generation of ants”.
Expecting no response, I cried out in my heart, “How can You possibly love us?” Immediately I was engulfed in tremendous, comforting peace that said—“Because I am your Father.” I did not know the term, ‘begging the question’ but if anyone had given that answer, I would have been dissatisfied. I already knew that intellectual answer but, because it was spoken into my mind by that peace, I accepted it with contentment.
Second such episodes, also unexpected, on my last day of secondary college.
My memory of the Mount Isa sky is of bright stars in the darkness that gave no reply. Many times I called out in my heart to a God I did not know existed, and if God did not, how could God answer? I would cry out past the edge of my being saying: “Power of Goodness and Love, if You exist, love Yourself in me.” “I can’t find You. Please find Yourself to me.”
I sometimes recalled that final day at ‘Kildare’ after matriculation, when I stood immobile at the top of the stairs, reluctant to leave, aware of deep unanswered religious questions, and fearing that I would be unable to maintain faith in the years ahead. “What if I abandon You?” I cried out in my mind to God. For the second time in my life, there came a powerful peace, which said, “You may abandon me. But I will never abandon you.” I would think, “But He did abandon me.” Oddly, although I recalled the words, I did not grasp what had actually been said, perhaps because of the reassurance of the accompanying peace.
Thank You God of goodness and love for the longing in my heart for You in my decade of unbelief. You never did abandon me, or how could I have prayed as I did? When I was unable to believe, and in integrity would not program myself to believe just because I wished to, You still caused me to long for You. Heaven seemed silent during those troubled years. I reached out into the darkness, seemingly in vain. For ten years, God remained a painful loss.
On the morning of June 15, 1978, to my surprise God suddenly drew me back to the Church. Upon awakening, I had no idea this could occur. Afterwards, I said to God, remembering that day on the stair, “But You did abandon me because for many years I lost You”. Finally, after all those years I realised that the actual words were only that God would never abandon me, not that I would not abandon God, although that was the assurance I sought.
God, You promised only that You would never abandon me. I continued reaching for You who seemed not to exist, praying that You would “find Yourself to me, love Your love in me, and think Your thoughts in me.” This surely meant You had remained present to me. You seemed absent, non-existent, but how could I pray into space with no response, unless You gave me grace to continue seeking while refusing to deceive myself into false belief? God’s grace flows through all the varied situations of life. Sometimes we manage to recognize it
During childhood, my underlying preoccupation was with God. Yet I sometimes wondered if God really exists, and questioned whether it was truly possible for God to love such massive numbers of imperfect human beings. When finally I posed a question about faith to my father, he simply replied, “You just have to have faith.” That was unsatisfactory to my logic.
I recall an episode during a time of particular interior questioning when I was ten years old. As I roamed Saint Michael’s schoolyard, pondering those troubling questions yet again, I was thinking— “We are like millions of generations of ants…generation upon generation of ants”.
Expecting no response, I cried out in my heart, “How can You possibly love us?” Immediately I was engulfed in tremendous, comforting peace that said—“Because I am your Father.” I did not know the term, ‘begging the question’ but if anyone had given that answer, I would have been dissatisfied. I already knew that intellectual answer but, because it was spoken into my mind by that peace, I accepted it with contentment.
Second such episodes, also unexpected, on my last day of secondary college.
My memory of the Mount Isa sky is of bright stars in the darkness that gave no reply. Many times I called out in my heart to a God I did not know existed, and if God did not, how could God answer? I would cry out past the edge of my being saying: “Power of Goodness and Love, if You exist, love Yourself in me.” “I can’t find You. Please find Yourself to me.”
I sometimes recalled that final day at ‘Kildare’ after matriculation, when I stood immobile at the top of the stairs, reluctant to leave, aware of deep unanswered religious questions, and fearing that I would be unable to maintain faith in the years ahead. “What if I abandon You?” I cried out in my mind to God. For the second time in my life, there came a powerful peace, which said, “You may abandon me. But I will never abandon you.” I would think, “But He did abandon me.” Oddly, although I recalled the words, I did not grasp what had actually been said, perhaps because of the reassurance of the accompanying peace.
Thank You God of goodness and love for the longing in my heart for You in my decade of unbelief. You never did abandon me, or how could I have prayed as I did? When I was unable to believe, and in integrity would not program myself to believe just because I wished to, You still caused me to long for You. Heaven seemed silent during those troubled years. I reached out into the darkness, seemingly in vain. For ten years, God remained a painful loss.
On the morning of June 15, 1978, to my surprise God suddenly drew me back to the Church. Upon awakening, I had no idea this could occur. Afterwards, I said to God, remembering that day on the stair, “But You did abandon me because for many years I lost You”. Finally, after all those years I realised that the actual words were only that God would never abandon me, not that I would not abandon God, although that was the assurance I sought.
God, You promised only that You would never abandon me. I continued reaching for You who seemed not to exist, praying that You would “find Yourself to me, love Your love in me, and think Your thoughts in me.” This surely meant You had remained present to me. You seemed absent, non-existent, but how could I pray into space with no response, unless You gave me grace to continue seeking while refusing to deceive myself into false belief? God’s grace flows through all the varied situations of life. Sometimes we manage to recognize it
I’m sure you have heard of the expression “the proof is in the pudding.” I whole heartedly agree that the “proof” of the truth in the Catholic Church is in the lives of the saints. I think we just had two of the greatest … citizens of heaven here on earth … Mother Teresa and Pope John Paul II. I doubt that there was much that needed changing in their lives if anything at all. They most likely in my opinion were admitted straight into heaven after their death, and had little if no purgatory (cleansing) at all. We pray “may your Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.” I think we clearly saw the Kingdom of God in the lives of these 2 people very holy people.
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