If God loves me why won't he send a spouse?

[pianistclare]

Unless a single dad has an annulment he is not eligible to marry in the church. You probably don’t know this because you are converting but he has to have an annulment. A dad with kids out of wedlock wouldn’t be compatible due to moral issues (I strongly oppose out of wedlock)and a guy who is divorced with kids would also be incompatible since I oppose divorce in most cases (and would never marry a man who wasn’t annulled). If someone marries someone who is divorced they can not marry in church and it used to be they couldn’t take communion even if they weren’t the one divorced. I’m glad the church is strict on divorce and I hope they stay strict. Marriage is supposed to be for life except in limited cases.

However this isn’t the only reason I would never marry a dad. He has a different lifestyle and different values. I have no interest in being a stepmother, not even to grown kids. I have no interest in supporting his kids or arranging my life to cater to his family.

It sounds like a Catholic online dating site is really the only option for you. I know of no other place where you can outline your restrictions and terms for a mate, and not appear to be closed off. On a dating site, you put out your profile…list the things you seek, and (sometimes) list what you’re not interested in. In real life? No…people will not respond nearly as charitably. People online are also looking for a “specific”. Your list is narrow, but doable. I met my husband that way, and we’re very compatible.
Best wishes.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I did online and still had troubles because the never married childless men my age wanted much younger. Oddly, I do have a friend who lives down the street from me who does fit what I desire (he’s a devout Catholic too)so I’m going to see where it goes.

 

[grasscutter]

I have no interest in supporting his kids or arranging my life to cater to his family.

The thing is, when you marry you may very well have to arrange your life to “cater” to his family. That is a (sometimes less than enjoyable) reality of married life. Unless he has no relatives whatsoever.

 

[pianistclare]

I was online for over a year. People come and go. Most people cycled in and out every 3 months…(the amount of time they were willing to pay the fee).
Keep looking. Every day new people sign up.
Sounds like you’ve just given up. That’s ok, but try not to have a ready answer for every suggestion. They’re just suggestions. If you’ve given up and don’t want to try anymore, well, I guess you’ll be single.
Or maybe, you’ll just let God make that decision for you.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

There are some good articles over at the Catholic Match Institute blog written by women in your age range who also have never married. These may offer some good perspective on your situation.

In today’s culture, good women must do much more work and bear much higher search costs to find a man they can marry than they did in the past. God isn’t going to deliver one to her door, that’s like praying to win the lottery. But the old advice still holds: look as good as possible within the constraints of your genes and modesty, be feminine in thought and manner and go where the men you might want to meet are. If not in your local parish, then try diocese-level organizations. If not within the Church, try looking for common interests like hiking, dancing, gardening, volunteer work, etc. At your age, be accepting of men up to 10 years old as most men close to your age will tend to be interested in women younger than you.

Which brings up my last point: what’s fair about that? Well life is not ever required to be fair or just, and those who believe it should be are only letting themselves in for heartbreak. Christ never promised fairness or peace in life, he only told us that the way is narrow and that the truth would make us free. Free to believe. Or not. Your belief in God is often found in the measure of who you are as you meet the obstacles and problems in your life.

Good luck.

 

[DAML72]

I am being fair I don’t want to date a dad, end of story.

Honestly, from reading your posts, I don’t think you are marriage material. You won’t give any man with children or an ex a chance. Most men are not ‘worthy’ of you. You harbor bitterness and anger in your heart - you want God to drop the perfect spouse in your lap. In my experience, people who are looking for the perfect person aren’t really able to see and love people for who they are - not in a way that marriage demands.

Decide what you want - do you want to get married or don’t you? Because if you truly want marriage, you are going to have to learn to compromise - and give other people a chance.

 

[TeachCatechism]

The thing is, when you marry you may very well have to arrange your life to “cater” to his family. That is a (sometimes less than enjoyable) reality of married life. Unless he has no relatives whatsoever.

I have no problem doing that with his parents, etc. However, still not interested in dating dads.

 

[TeachCatechism]

There are some good articles over at the Catholic Match Institute blog written by women in your age range who also have never married. These may offer some good perspective on your situation.

In today’s culture, good women must do much more work and bear much higher search costs to find a man they can marry than they did in the past. God isn’t going to deliver one to her door, that’s like praying to win the lottery. But the old advice still holds: look as good as possible within the constraints of your genes and modesty, be feminine in thought and manner and go where the men you might want to meet are. If not in your local parish, then try diocese-level organizations. If not within the Church, try looking for common interests like hiking, dancing, gardening, volunteer work, etc. At your age, be accepting of men up to 10 years old as most men close to your age will tend to be interested in women younger than you.

Which brings up my last point: what’s fair about that? Well life is not ever required to be fair or just, and those who believe it should be are only letting themselves in for heartbreak. Christ never promised fairness or peace in life, he only told us that the way is narrow and that the truth would make us free. Free to believe. Or not. Your belief in God is often found in the measure of who you are as you meet the obstacles and problems in your life.

Good luck.

I doubt most men my age will be only interested in younger women, or at least be able to get younger women. That’s a myth so many believe. When I was younger I definitely didn’t want an old man. 10 years is fine but older than that and it’s gross. I have a friend who is 9 years older so that is a fine range.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I was online for over a year. People come and go. Most people cycled in and out every 3 months…(the amount of time they were willing to pay the fee).
Keep looking. Every day new people sign up.
Sounds like you’ve just given up. That’s ok, but try not to have a ready answer for every suggestion. They’re just suggestions. If you’ve given up and don’t want to try anymore, well, I guess you’ll be single.
Or maybe, you’ll just let God make that decision for you.

I may try online again but not right now. Too many things are going on in my life.

 

[pianistclare]

I may try online again but not right now. Too many things are going on in my life.

So you posted just to complain about God?
I don’t get it. I thought you were looking for perspectives. All you have done here is say that everyone is wrong.
Good luck finding a nice guy.
:coffeeread:

 

[pessimist]

I’m not religious but isn’t that a bit demanding to ask your creator for a spouse?

I mean what are you expecting? The UPS guy to show up to your door step and sweep you off your feet? Life isn’t a rom-com.

Relationships are about two individuals connecting on an intimate and intuitive level. They transcend superficialities. That’s why people generally go ‘searching’ for a life-partner but seek out good looking or ‘easy’ people for the casual ‘hook up’.

If you are pursuing an ideal version of a guy you created entirely in your mind - you have already sabotaged yourself. No one will ever live up to that ideal image.

I don’t think god is to blame for that one.

 

[jaimeleglise]

You’re welcome. God bless you.

 

[Gilly_flower]

I don’t want to sound unkind as finding the right spouse is indeed a blessing, but the whole tone of your posts does across as somewhat angry and petulant, which isn’t likely to attract anyone.

And being so adamantly opposed to children sounds uncaring…do you want your own, or is it just other people’s you don’t want? If a man was a widowed rather than a divorced or single father would that make a difference? And what if he has elderly parents who need family care and support?

I think that as well as thinking what you will get out of a relationship, you might like to consider what you will bring to it…

In your forties any prospective mate is almost inevitably going to come with some “baggage”…

 

[Galbin]

The thing is, when you marry you may very well have to arrange your life to “cater” to his family. That is a (sometimes less than enjoyable) reality of married life. Unless he has no relatives whatsoever.

Yes. So very true. My MIL has serious alcohol issues to the point where she tried to physically attack me one night. Crazy!

 

[TeachCatechism]

I don’t want to sound unkind as finding the right spouse is indeed a blessing, but the whole tone of your posts does across as somewhat angry and petulant, which isn’t likely to attract anyone.

And being so adamantly opposed to children sounds uncaring…do you want your own, or is it just other people’s you don’t want? If a man was a widowed rather than a divorced or single father would that make a difference? And what if he has elderly parents who need family care and support?

I think that as well as thinking what you will get out of a relationship, you might like to consider what you will bring to it…

In your forties any prospective mate is almost inevitably going to come with some “baggage”…

A man who is widowed is a possibility but a divorced or never married dad is not. I want the church wedding being devout and do not want the drama of an ex.

 

[mommamaree]

A man who is widowed is a possibility but a divorced or never married dad is not. I want the church wedding being devout and do not want the drama of an ex.

This is reasonable. What about a man who was abandoned by his first wife, and he had already sought and obtained an annulment? He would not be at fault, and would be free to marry. Just mentioning the possibilities…

 

[TeachCatechism]

This is reasonable. What about a man who was abandoned by his first wife, and he had already sought and obtained an annulment? He would not be at fault, and would be free to marry. Just mentioning the possibilities…

If he doesn’t have kids then it’s an option. Otherwise no I am not interested in being a stepmom to kids who have a living mom.

 

[Galbin]

If he doesn’t have kids then it’s an option. Otherwise no I am not interested in being a stepmom to kids who have a living mom.

So would you rather never marry than be a stepmom? What is it that you would hate about that? Not saying you are wrong - I am just wondering why you would turn down a guy whose marriage had been annulled, but who happened to have kids.

 

[grasscutter]

So would you rather never marry than be a stepmom? What is it that you would hate about that? Not saying you are wrong - I am just wondering why you would turn down a guy whose marriage had been annulled, but who happened to have kids.

I think it takes a very special person to be a step-parent. It is wise to realize ahead of time if one is not up to that tremendously difficult task. It saves a lot of heartache for everyone.

 

[TeachCatechism]

So would you rather never marry than be a stepmom? What is it that you would hate about that? Not saying you are wrong - I am just wondering why you would turn down a guy whose marriage had been annulled, but who happened to have kids.

Yes I would rather never marry. Mom and dad should be together, not me. Not interested in being a stepmother or the responsibilities including drama and financial. Dated a few dads, never again.