I still consider myself Catholic, although not Roman Catholic. I was raised Roman Catholic for most of my life. For the first 18 years or so of my life, I had no real interest in Catholicism. For the most part, I thought Catholicism was not pertinent to my life. Confirmation was the one exception. For some reason, I felt this was of a special significance. In any case, during high school, I stopped going to church altogether. I worked Friday and Saturday nights and wanted Sunday mornings to sleep in and rest up. I was quite busy then. At about 17-18, I started delving into ancient literature in my free time. I started reading books by the Greek historians, and then by non-Greek ones, such as Josephus.
At one point, I decided to read the Bible itself. I was drawn in by the historical books. After this, I simply began to read the Bible in its entirety. However, rather than become fundamentalist Christian (as some who discover the Bible do) I became more and more interested in the Catholic faith by which I was raised. I knew that the Protestants were a-ahistorical, and I knew that their faith sounded much different from the faith of the Apostolic Fathers.
I started attending Mass more and more frequently. One summer, I attended daily Mass at the local cathedral. But while I was intellectually convinced, something was not right. I was having a lot of problems at college. People were crazy, and I was trying, seemingly alone, to live a Catholic Christian life. I went to Newman Club, but nobody, not even the priest, seemed genuinely interested in learning more and living out the Catholic Faith to the fullest. I asked the priest questions about Christ’s divinity, his humanity, and the so forth, but father shrugged these questions off. He later claimed that he often wonders if God even exists.
About this time, I discovered a small group within the diocese, a group that seemed genuinely interested in living out the Catholic faith and abiding to the Magisterium. The charismatic Catholic group provided me with a lot of support and kindness. They truly desired to have a living, prayerful relationship with the Lord. But I could never bring myself to accept what they believed. Something was not right. I was baptized in the Holy Spirit, but I did not feel comfortable about it at all. Soon afterwards, I left the group.
Soon thereafter, I began my studies at a Catholic university. I never fit into the spiritual landscape. It too was very charismatic, whereas I considered myself more of a traditionalist, although not a radical one. To make the story short, I started attending an Eastern Catholic church. I learned lot about Eastern Catholic theology. I began viewing the Roman Catholic Church more critically. A lot of what it said added up, but still I had the feeling that something was not entirely right. I started attending a few TLM’s to see what the Catholic Mass used to be like. A vast difference from the Novus Ordo, even one done in Latin. Modern Catholicism had one appearance, the traditional Catholicism had another. The one holding arms out to the world, the other in perpetual conflict with it.
Eventually I found my way to the Eastern Orthodox Church. I’m glad I did. I feel like I belong here, and I actually believe, and not just intellectually, what the Church teaches.
