If you don't want children...

[TheRealJuliane]

I haven’t told my counselor I didn’t want children because I didn’t think it was a big deal

To some people, it might not be. Is your counselor a Catholic? If not, you may as well not bother because the counselor won’t see what the big deal is.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Be nice please. It is NOT all about me. I just don’t want kids. How is that my fault? How do you expect me to change the way I feel? I can’t help the way I feel! It’s just how I am.

I love pets they make me so happy.

Go be grumpy elsewhere.

Yes, of course you can help the way you “feel.” Feelings are not facts. Our feelings come and go, and change frequently. “It’s just how I am” is a justification for all sorts of sins.

 

[PumpkinSeed]

To some people, it might not be. Is your counselor a Catholic? If not, you may as well not bother because the counselor won’t see what the big deal is.

I believe shes Hindu. Not completely sure though. I don’t ask my doctors about their religion. All I know is that she came from India and travels there a lot.

 

[TimothyH]

What should you do? Should you stop dating completely and totally forget about marriage? I know that birth control is a sin in the church, and that you are not allowed to get married unless you have kids, so is the only option to just stop dating for the rest of your life? What would you do?

Yes, pretty much.

As one who is divorce and anulled, I will not remarry, unless God makes it crystal clear that he wants me to.

My celibacy is a gift to God and Mary, and I have to rely on them to help me quite a bit.

-Tim-

 

[PumpkinSeed]

Yes, of course you can help the way you “feel.” Feelings are not facts. Our feelings come and go, and change frequently. “It’s just how I am” is a justification for all sorts of sins.

Alright, true, but since when is ‘not wanting kids’ a sin?

I didn’t know that I was sinning by not wanting kids.

 

[PumpkinSeed]

Yes, pretty much.

As one who is divorce and anulled, I will not remarry, unless God makes it crystal clear that he wants me to.

My celibacy is a gift to God and Mary, and I have to rely on them to help me quite a bit.

-Tim-

I understand. Although I believe that Jesus said the only call for divorce is adultery.

 

[maryjk]

Be nice please. It is NOT all about me.** I** just don’t want kids. How is that my fault? How do you expect **me to change the way I feel? I can’t help the way I feel! It’s just how I **am.

**I **love pets they make me so happy.

Go be grumpy elsewhere.

Really? It isn’t all about you?

 

[Credo_in_Deum]

@Pumpkin: If you were to get married would you use contraceptives and other unapproved methods of birth control to try and ensure you remain childless?

 

[Newbie2]

I don’t plan of having kids since the disease I have is genetic. Therefore I don’t bother with dating and will not marry. This is my choice and one more cross to bear. I just hope there is something in heaven like marriage for singles.

Believe me and everyone here who is married. Marriage is not heaven.

 

[PumpkinSeed]

Really? It isn’t all about you?

How is what I feel a bad thing though?

Obviously my feelings are about ME because I’m talking about my own feelings.

But nobody has explained why NOT wanting kids is a bad thing. How can I HELP the way I feel? How do I CHANGE the way I feel if this is how I’ve always felt?

People so quick to say whats wrong but don’t bother saying how to fix it.

So… I’m waiting

 

[jilly4ski]

Alright, true, but since when is ‘not wanting kids’ a sin?

I didn’t know that I was sinning by not wanting kids.

You are not sinning by not having kids now. But if you attempted a marriage with this “feeling” and a permanent intention against children, then yes you would be sinning.

As dating leads to marriage, and marriage leads to children, it is better to not do any of those things unless you are open to the final end of the process.

I can say that I had no desire for children when I was a teen and young adult. But I started dating my husband, and feel in love. He wanted the whole domestic thing. I had to discern whether marriage (as the church defines it, which is a whole lot different than love that person and that makes me happy) was my vocation, and had to accept the fact that if marriage was my vocation then children more than likely was too. How unfair to my significant other if I continued to date him and not accept the ends of Marriage (that the Church defines and he wanted). I am now a mother and take great joy in my vocation.

 

[PumpkinSeed]

You are not sinning by not having kids now. But if you attempted a marriage with this “feeling” and a permanent intention against children, then yes you would be sinning.

As dating leads to marriage, and marriage leads to children, it is better to not do any of those things unless you are open to the final end of the process.

I can say that I had no desire for children when I was a teen and young adult. But I started dating my husband, and feel in love. He wanted the whole domestic thing. I had to discern whether marriage (as the church defines it, which is a whole lot different than love that person and that makes me happy) was my vocation, and had to accept the fact that if marriage was my vocation then children more than likely was too. How unfair to my significant other if I continued to date him and not accept the ends of Marriage (that the Church defines and he wanted). I am now a mother and take great joy in my vocation.

I’m not talking about marriage. I’m talking about the feeling of not wanting children. Let’s say I never get married- even if I never got married, I would still have the feeling of not wanting kids. Its the FEELING that I have that people are saying is selfish. How is this FEELING considered selfish? I did not CHOOSE to feel like not having kids. Its just always been this way. How can I help what I FEEL?

 

[Calliso]

Be nice please. It is NOT all about me. I just don’t want kids. How is that my fault? How do you expect me to change the way I feel? I can’t help the way I feel! It’s just how I am.

I love pets they make me so happy.

Go be grumpy elsewhere.

Hehe yep besides think of this do most people have kids because they feel they are supposed to? Or because it is something THEY want to do? Lets face it most people that have kids are thinking about themselves.

 

[PumpkinSeed]

Hehe yep besides think of this do most people have kids because they feel they are supposed to? Or because it is something THEY want to do? Lets face it most people that have kids are thinking about themselves.

Yes I agree. Children deserve the best which is why I believe if you’re going to have children, do it for the right reasons. Do it because you want to raise and take care of them. Don’t do it out of ‘pressure’.

 

[exoflare]

I’m not talking about marriage. I’m talking about the feeling of not wanting children. Let’s say I never get married- even if I never got married, I would still have the feeling of not wanting kids. Its the FEELING that I have that people are saying is selfish. How is this FEELING considered selfish? I did not CHOOSE to feel like not having kids. Its just always been this way. How can I help what I FEEL?

Again, you’re misunderstanding what they said. Those responses you got about being selfish assumed you were planning to get married while purposely avoiding children. As I said before the feeling of not wanting kids just by itself is not a sin.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m not talking about marriage. I’m talking about the feeling of not wanting children. Let’s say I never get married- even if I never got married, I would still have the feeling of not wanting kids. Its the FEELING that I have that people are saying is selfish. How is this FEELING considered selfish? I did not CHOOSE to feel like not having kids. Its just always been this way. How can I help what I FEEL?

That is not a feeling. That is a statement. “I do not want children,” is not a feeling. There is no emotion called, “I don’t want children.” There is a reason behind your statement, but you are attributing it to a feeling. That is why I recommended that you deal with this in therapy. There are reasons why you don’t want children. You don’t seem to be aware of them, except that you’d rather have pets than children.

Reasons people might not want to have children:

They were abused as a child themselves.
They have mental illness or mental illness runs in their family.
They are afraid that they will abuse their children.
They are afraid that they will not be a good parent to their children.
They do not want the expense of having children.
Etc.

Be honest with yourself and examine the reasons why you tell yourself that you don’t feel you want children. At least you will know why.

 

[Credo_in_Deum]

Yes I agree. Children deserve the best which is why I believe if you’re going to have children, do it for the right reasons. Do it because you want to raise and take care of them. Don’t do it out of ‘pressure’.

For a single person there is nothing wrong with not wanting children; in fact sometimes these realizations help us find our vocation in life.

Yet if you don’t feel called to the religious life then the question comes to; if you were to get married would you use contraceptives and other unapproved methods of birth control to try and ensure you remain childless? If not then I don’t see any harm in getting married since you are open to life even though you personally would rather prefer to not have children. However, if you’re not open to life and would use birth control and other unapproved methods to try and ensure you stay childless then I would not advise getting married since you would be living a life of sin. No man regardless of how great he may be is worth your soul, Pumpkin.

 

[exoflare]

Lets face it most people that have kids are thinking about themselves.

You’re right about that, unfortunately.

 

[jilly4ski]

I’m not talking about marriage. I’m talking about the feeling of not wanting children. Let’s say I never get married- even if I never got married, I would still have the feeling of not wanting kids. Its the FEELING that I have that people are saying is selfish. How is this FEELING considered selfish? I did not CHOOSE to feel like not having kids. Its just always been this way. How can I help what I FEEL?

I think it was some of the reasons you put out for not wanting kids, not your feeling generally. You want to travel, you want to do this you want to do that, you don’t want the responsibility, etc. Avoiding responsibility just for the sake of not having responsibility is what seems selfish.

 

[underacloud]

But nobody has explained why NOT wanting kids is a bad thing. How can I HELP the way I feel? How do I CHANGE the way I feel if this is how I’ve always felt?

Not wanting kids isn’t a bad thing in itself. But, if you wish to marry, not wanting kids is an impediment to a Catholic marriage. Not wanting kids suggests that marriage may not be the right vocation for you.

How to change it? Discussing it with your counsellor and priest is the starting point. It may not be something that is possible to change…or it may be. Either way, there’s no harm in talking and these people are there to help you. A good priest will help you through this, not just ram doctrine down your throat. That said, you also need to be aware of Church teaching on this matter.

There is another way people’s attitudes on this change, and that is simply be becoming a parent. I married my wife because I love her deeply and wanted to be with her all the time, not because I wanted to start a family. I accepted a family when it come (which was quite quickly actually). Many people fall into parenthood, rather than plan it. In fact, it’s not something you can really plan for. You won’t know in advance how you’re going to cope and how you’re going to feel. You will (hopefully) feel for your child feelings you never felt or imagined before. You say you “know that I would not be that good of a parent”. With all due respect, you don’t know that at all, and many first time parents would share these same concerns.