If you got married late in life

[Lucky7]

How is your marriage doing? How did you (and your spouse) adjust from living a single life for many years to married life? Or did you? If you ran into issues because of difficulty with such an adjustment, how did youguys resolve it?

I’m married 5 years and we’re still dealing with this. I am the more flexible of the two of us…by far. I have adjusted very well to living with another. Although he has adjusted and changed at a snail’s pace, we still have arguments because he is still thinking like a single man (ie. used to doing things on his own, etc.) The positive is that he fully admits how difficult this is for him. It just seems that, because I am more flexible, that I bend the most…and lately that is starting to wear on me.

 

[Della]

I was 35 when we married, and yes it was an adjustment for us, as well. We’ll be celebrating our 29th anniversary this year, so it’s a little hard to “go back” to the early days in my memory, but after having been a single woman with a job and her own way of doing everything, I had to let go of a few things and so did he. It takes a lot of patience. He has to know how you feel, so don’t hold back on that, but try not to make too big an issue of him still acting like he’s not married. You don’t want to pressure him, but rather help him see when he’s doing it–gently and with humor. Remember, you’re in this together so let him be himself, but also let him know your needs because no man alive (in my experience) has a clue about what a wife wants or needs.

 

[Lucky7]

I was 35 when we married, and yes it was an adjustment for us, as well. We’ll be celebrating our 29th anniversary this year, so it’s a little hard to “go back” to the early days in my memory, but after having been a single woman with a job and her own way of doing everything, I had to let go of a few things and so did he. ** It takes a lot of patience. He has to know how you feel, so don’t hold back on that, but try not to make too big an issue of him still acting like he’s not married. You don’t want to pressure him, but rather help him see when he’s doing it–gently and with humor. Remember, you’re in this together so let him be himself, but also let him know your needs** because no man alive (in my experience) has a clue about what a wife wants or needs.

Good advice. I’m still trying to figure out how to balance the underlined part. Sometimes I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other. In my mind, I shouldn’t have to express these same needs and feelings five years into the marriage. Because of this I’m starting to lose the desire and energy to communicate those needs.

 

[Della]

Good advice. I’m still trying to figure out how to balance the underlined part. Sometimes I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other. In my mind, I shouldn’t have to express these same needs and feelings five years into the marriage. Because of this I’m starting to lose the desire and energy to communicate those needs.

There are somethings about him you’ll never be able to change. Most men are simply tuned out most of the time. They live in their own worlds, like in bubbles. So, if you can’t get him to understand, you have to simply accept that he doesn’t “get it”. If it’s serious enough, though, you might want to try a good marriage encounter weekend or counseling. We’ve never gone that route, but then I learned to let certain things go–but it was never vital for me to have him change those things that used to get to me. I feel men are like cats–you either love them as they are or you don’t–they certainly aren’t going to become any different without a lot of patient training, and even then they’re just too independent to ever fully do as you’d like them to do.

 

[Lucky7]

There are somethings about him you’ll never be able to change. Most men are simply tuned out most of the time. They live in their own worlds, like in bubbles. So, if you can’t get him to understand, you have to simply accept that he doesn’t “get it”. **If it’s serious enough, though, you might want to try a good marriage encounter weekend or counseling. **We’ve never gone that route, but then I learned to let certain things go–but it was never vital for me to have him change those things that used to get to me. I feel men are like cats–you either love them as they are or you don’t–they certainly aren’t going to become any different without a lot of patient training, and even then they’re just too independent to ever fully do as you’d like them to do.

I’ve often thought that I’m just going to have to accept.

WRT bolded, the million dollar question is how do you know if “it’s serious enough”? And when your husband isn’t the talkative type/communicating type, how do you even get to the counselor?

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

It isn’t always age. Sometimes its dysfunction. Without healing from Jesus, we can all be a pretty big mess by the time we are older. I am thinking of marriage now, after a difficult, difficult one, ended some years back now (after nearly twenty painful years). But I have received a healing from Jesus, and this man is truly a gift. Our personalities could not be more suited, I know it was God’s doing.

Anyway, if your husband’s problem is not dysfunction, it could be a personality clash/misunderstanding between you. Some personalities, together, just take a whole lot more grace from God than others.

I have learned so much from Socionics online this year. It is an extremely well and thoroughly researched personality study out of Russia, based on Jungs four classic temperaments, going back well before Jung actually, and is a 16–type system. (that is the only drawback to this, that its Russian, even though they do really excellent research, some of the online translations of some of its extensive online works are bad awkward-to-read translations).

So, each of the 16 types, with another of the 16 types, creates 16 different types of relationships, and all of those are thoroughly studied, too. There are no American studies like this, and its extremely interesting and has helped me understand all the various relationships in my life. Yes, there are 16 very different types of relationships, from almost conflict-free (Duals and Identicals) to conflict-filled (as in Conflictors). And in between are all kinds of variations, some that lull the two types into laziness (Illusionary), some that make the two people overly active (Activity). And more! Each one of us with one of the types has these things. Its rather equalizing, too!

It solves a little mystery I have always felt: from a young age, observing others, I felt that some people were just “born into the wrong families”. By that I meant, because they were made unhappy by their families of origin who did not understand them. Born into another kind of family, life would have been so different for them!

I noticed when I was in my long bad marraige that some in good marriages felt hat others might just not try hard enough. I couldn’t have been trying harder! Well, my husband was not only dysfunctional, but some of the problems we had, like him not being able to appreciate my viewpoints on most things, were typical of Benefactors in the Benefit relations that we had.

Socionics is a good thing to read if you are young and looking, or waiting for a relationship. It will help you see, maybe you were supposed to hold out for something very good! Or maybe you have been hurt in a bad relationship or two. and wondering if maybe you aren’t somehow defective. Learning Socionics, you might find your past failed relationship was rather ill-fated anyway, and you realize, everyone has some type that, with them is just like this for them – its not just you! (Hopefully!).

If you find, Lucky 7, that you have a conflict-filled relationship, you might be one of those that naturally is in need of a lot of Grace. God gives you all the grace you need for what he desires you do.

Or maybe you have one of those relationships with a certain typical area of conflict. You can learn to avoid that area. Or maybe word carefully what you need (author Gary Smalley recommends “Word pictures” to explain things to a spouse who is not getting it.

 

[daisybee]

Dr. Greg Popcak (orthodox Catholic therapist–have you heard his radio show?–it’s very good) encourages spouses to go to counseling alone even when the other spouse will not participate in the counseling.

He cautions clients to find therapists who are well-trained in marriage issues.

His organization can help make a recommendation for a therapist exceptionalmarriages.com/radio.htm, or you can try looking here catholictherapists.com/

His organization also offers tele-counseling if you’re not able to find a therapist in your area.

 

[ConstantineTG]

Define “late”? We were 30 when we get married. There are arguments, and to this day there are certain things that we are still adjusting too. We moved to a new country so I had a tight grip on our finances for the first few years, we’re still adjusting to the part that my wife still asks permission to buy stuff. I mean, if it is a big expense then sure we need to talk about it. But if it is something like 50 bucks, well, my money is her money.

And quite honestly sometimes I feel like I take control of many of the decisions. I’m realizing it and starting to defer.

You just have to be patient with each other.

 

[Ruthie_again]

I was 43…

One thing I learned was that he didn’t hear hints. It wasn’t that he ignored them; they just went over his head. So I had to learn to ask him directly, or to say (emphatically), “By the way, that was a hint.”

I also decided, before we married, that I wasn’t going to become a “football widow.” I chose to love his fanaticism, as part of him, and to remember that, during the game, he can only hear me during the commercials.

And he has learned how to get my attention when I’m completely absorbed in a book. My mother used to say she could set off dynamite under me, and I wouldn’t notice. He just stands patiently in front of me until my brain registers his presence, or if he’s in a hurry, to gently put his hand on my shoulder or cheek.

And he’s still “Mr. Right” after 16 years

 

[Lucky7]

It isn’t always age. Sometimes its dysfunction. Without healing from Jesus, we can all be a pretty big mess by the time we are older. I am thinking of marriage now, after a difficult, difficult one, ended some years back now (after nearly twenty painful years). But I have received a healing from Jesus, and this man is truly a gift. Our personalities could not be more suited, I know it was God’s doing.

Anyway, if your husband’s problem is not dysfunction, it could be a personality clash/misunderstanding between you. Some personalities, together, just take a whole lot more grace from God than others.

I have learned so much from Socionics online this year. It is an extremely well and thoroughly researched personality study out of Russia, based on Jungs four classic temperaments, going back well before Jung actually, and is a 16–type system. (that is the only drawback to this, that its Russian, even though they do really excellent research, some of the online translations of some of its extensive online works are bad awkward-to-read translations).

So, each of the 16 types, with another of the 16 types, creates 16 different types of relationships, and all of those are thoroughly studied, too. There are no American studies like this, and its extremely interesting and has helped me understand all the various relationships in my life. Yes, there are 16 very different types of relationships, from almost conflict-free (Duals and Identicals) to conflict-filled (as in Conflictors). And in between are all kinds of variations, some that lull the two types into laziness (Illusionary), some that make the two people overly active (Activity). And more! Each one of us with one of the types has these things. Its rather equalizing, too!

It solves a little mystery I have always felt: from a young age, observing others, I felt that some people were just “born into the wrong families”. By that I meant, because they were made unhappy by their families of origin who did not understand them. Born into another kind of family, life would have been so different for them!

I noticed when I was in my long bad marraige that some in good marriages felt hat others might just not try hard enough. I couldn’t have been trying harder! Well, my husband was not only dysfunctional, but some of the problems we had, like him not being able to appreciate my viewpoints on most things, were typical of Benefactors in the Benefit relations that we had.

Socionics is a good thing to read if you are young and looking, or waiting for a relationship. It will help you see, maybe you were supposed to hold out for something very good! Or maybe you have been hurt in a bad relationship or two. and wondering if maybe you aren’t somehow defective. Learning Socionics, you might find your past failed relationship was rather ill-fated anyway, and you realize, everyone has some type that, with them is just like this for them – its not just you! (Hopefully!).

If you find, Lucky 7, that you have a conflict-filled relationship, you might be one of those that naturally is in need of a lot of Grace. God gives you all the grace you need for what he desires you do.

Or maybe you have one of those relationships with a certain typical area of conflict. You can learn to avoid that area. Or maybe word carefully what you need (author Gary Smalley recommends “Word pictures” to explain things to a spouse who is not getting it.

Socionics sounds very interesting, so I checked it out online. There is an 8 question test that I took. I come out either ESI or EII (there is one question which I was unsure of). I took it for my husband based on what I think he wouldn have responded and he came out LIE or LSE. Both of our combinations came out partial duality or duality! Both of which are supposed to be really good combinations. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m being too hard on judging my relationship?

 

[Della]

Socionics sounds very interesting, so I checked it out online. There is an 8 question test that I took. I come out either ESI or EII (there is one question which I was unsure of). I took it for my husband based on what I think he wouldn have responded and he came out LIE or LSE. Both of our combinations came out partial duality or duality! Both of which are supposed to be really good combinations. I don’t get it. ** Maybe I’m being too hard on judging my relationship**?

This, I think. At some point we all “hit the wall” in our relationships. Annoying things about the other person build up and then seem more important than they really are. Unless your communications are all one way, I wouldn’t worry. As I wrote above, he’s probably just clueless. With a lot of patience, though, you can eventually “tune” him into what you are telling him. If it gets worse, though, do seek counseling–on your own if need be, just for your own peace of mind. Many couples are helped by Marriage Encounter weekends through their parishes or you could look into Retrouvaille which specializes in helping marriages–and not just bad ones, but good ones that need some help.

 

[Schieffelin]

It’s not just about getting married at an older age. Some people just have more to adjust to than others. There are SO many factors involved. My husband and I got married at 26 and 28 and we are still adjusting on a daily basis. My DH is like your husband in that he can’t quite seem to snap out of “bachelor” mode of sort of operating in his own universe–but things are slowly but surely getting better as both of us adjust and negotiate.

My counselor told me it take 5 to 10 years just to get to know each other!! Before marriage I would have thought that was nuts, but now I really believe her (and I’m relieved to hear that we are normal). Good luck! Keep at it with prayer, patience, and guidance.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I was 43…

One thing I learned was that he didn’t hear hints. It wasn’t that he ignored them; they just went over his head. So I had to learn to ask him directly, or to say (emphatically), “By the way, that was a hint.”

I also decided, before we married, that I wasn’t going to become a “football widow.” I chose to love his fanaticism, as part of him, and to remember that, during the game, he can only hear me during the commercials.

And he has learned how to get my attention when I’m completely absorbed in a book. My mother used to say she could set off dynamite under me, and I wouldn’t notice. He just stands patiently in front of me until my brain registers his presence, or if he’s in a hurry, to gently put his hand on my shoulder or cheek.

And he’s still “Mr. Right” after 16 years

Congrats

 

[Lucky7]

It’s not just about getting married at an older age. Some people just have more to adjust to than others. There are SO many factors involved. My husband and I got married at 26 and 28 and we are still adjusting on a daily basis. My DH is like your husband in that he can’t quite seem to snap out of “bachelor” mode of sort of operating in his own universe–but things are slowly but surely getting better as both of us adjust and negotiate.

**My counselor told me it take 5 to 10 years just to get to know each other!! **Before marriage I would have thought that was nuts, but now I really believe her (and I’m relieved to hear that we are normal). Good luck! Keep at it with prayer, patience, and guidance.

This is very reassuring…thank you! I do think we have come a long way in 5 years, so we’re on schedule…lol.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

There are somethings about him you’ll never be able to change. Most men are simply tuned out most of the time. They live in their own worlds, like in bubbles. So, if you can’t get him to understand, you have to simply accept that he doesn’t “get it”. If it’s serious enough, though, you might want to try a good marriage encounter weekend or counseling. We’ve never gone that route, but then I learned to let certain things go–but it was never vital for me to have him change those things that used to get to me. I feel men are like cats–you either love them as they are or you don’t–they certainly aren’t going to become any different without a lot of patient training, and even then they’re just too independent to ever fully do as you’d like them to do.

Wow. Just…wow.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Lucky, I look here: socionics.com/advan/whoiswho.html in order to convert from 3 to 4 letter name. So you think you are ISFJ or an INFJ, and hubby is maybe ENFJ or ESTJ.

I use this relationship chart:
socionics.com/rel/relcht.htm Yes, if you are those types, you are Dual or SemiDual with him. But I really don’t see you being Duals with him, from what you have shared. I think you must have the typing off. If you read the description of those relationships, its not like anything you ahve described. SemiDuality, maybe, but that’s also is not sounding like what you describe.

Its easy to guess your type wrong with a short test, maybe try a longer one. Because if you do not have your types right, you are going to be trying to read yourself in the wrong relationship, and it will boggle your mind, and just leave you confused. Because there is so much written! If you read your actual relationship, it will make perfect sense, and even more and more so as you read more and more.

As to making sure of your relationship type, note, for example, that as to Duals, their letters are everything opposite except for the last letter, the J/P preference… As in ISFJ/ENTJ. That is Duality, and one very, very happy, peaceful, understanding pairing. Its a realtionship that gets more peaceful as time goes on.

However, if all of the letters differ, as in ISFJ/ENTP, then its a Conflictor relationship, and its a relationship that gets more conflictual as time goes on. Its very difficult for both partners, not peaceful and not validating. Basically you need a LOT of grace! Understanding can help, as well as giving each other plenty of space, and respect.

As a Catholic, I think identifying the relationship type is helpful, even if it turns out to be Conflictor (one chance in 16!). Because then you don’t blame yourself for the Conflicts, You realize they are naturally hard to avoid, and misunderstandings are common, and you realize its going to take work, effort and awareness to overcome them. And especially Grace! And you won’t compare yourself to others wondering why they aren’t having the same problems. You will know: they aren’t Conflictors!

There are many relationship types in between the best, Duals, and the worst, probably Conflictors. And they all have different characteristics, and what they conflict or misunderstand about has a particular pattern unique to that relationship type. Its interesting.

Another difficult pairing for for an ISFJ would be ESTP; its a Supervision relationship with ISFJ as Supervisor, and in short, it would be a challenge for ISFJ to be patient with ESTP or to respect his ways. And very tiring to be ESTP in this relationship.

But you may not be an ISFJ, since you are not totally sure. I think you are not INFJ; I have at least two close friends who are, and I would see it in you, I think. So really it would help to be quite, quite sure of your or of your husband’s type before you start looking up relationship types.

So to be sure, you can read the descriptions, one might pop out at you. Also, try a longer test. The descriptions on the websites above are shorter, easier to read, but the “physical descriptions” on that site sound so much like cartoon people that I find it hard to see people in it. I use it as a starting place. Sometimes its helpful.

If you narrow it down for sure to two, you can read the longer descriptions on 16types.info (on the left side, in blue, you can click on categories and click on your possible type. There are long descriptive articles on each type, including one for female and one for male of the type. Its interesting! Its a LOT of reading, as this theory is much, much researched.)

Also, harder for some to use, there is a strong visual identification component with Socionics, and I think on that 16types website, you can see photos of the various types. (they are called Filatova portraits, divided into the 4 groups of types, the Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta**) They all look Russian though! You can see differences, though. Some people stand my visual identification of type, others find it impossible.Also famous people are typed somewhere; that can help too.

So, you could try a longer test, or also a Briggs-Meyers - because in my opinion, the same four letters in Briggs ends up being the same four letters in Socionics. Some disagree. At any rate, it will also be easier if you are sure of your type.

Another suggestion, you might be sure of your type only, or of your husband’s type only. If you feel sure of one, you can look up on the relationship charts and read the types of relationships and see which one is more like yours. Then read more on that type, and see if its you [or him].

If you finally figure what you are, then there a much much longer articles on the relationship types. But its too much reading if you aren’t sure its your type!

Oh, and if you want help identifying your type, you can sign up for the 16types forum, and there is a spot there to ask for help finding out your type. You would tell them what you are guessing, and ask someone to help you, and I think someone will. Some people really enjoy figuring that out, and know the questions to ask you if you are on the fence on something. Some have studied the theory from teachers and like sharing what they know.

---

**Alpha LII (INTj) - ILE (ENTp) - ESE (ESFj) - SEI (ISFp
Beta IEI (INFp) - EIE (ENFj) - SLE (ESTp) - LSI (ISTj)
Gamma SEE (ESFp) - ILI (INTp) - LIE (ENTj) - ESI (ISFj)
Delta LSE (ESTj) - EII (INFj) - IEE (ENFp) - SLI (ISTp)

 

[Lucky7]

Charlotte,

I am so confused.

As for Briggs Meyers, years ago I took a test and came out INFJ. I recently took one and came out ISFJ, so I tend to lean towards the latest results.

I was surprised that my husband came out as an Extrovert when I took the 8 question socionic test. Although he can have moments as an Extrovert, he tends to lean Introvert. Therefore, I disagree with the types given for him.

Admitting I don’t know what the heck I am talking about, if I had to describe where we are different, I would say the thinking vs feeling is the area where we are vastly different. Otherwise I think we both lean towards, introvert, judging, and sensing.

That means there is only one area where we are different. I know that what I’ve shared about our relationship doesn’t seem to support that…which is why I am so confused. On paper we should have a relationship with very little conflict. However, perhaps because that one area is SO different FOR US is the reason for our conflicts. If I were to think about our arguments they are often the result of differences between my feelings and his thoughts/thinking. Then again, is that so unusual for most men and women?? Isn’t that usually the main difference between most men and women?

 

[cmscms]

I’m married 5 years and we’re still dealing with this. **I am the more flexible of the two **of us…by far. I have adjusted very well to living with another. Although he has adjusted and changed at a snail’s pace, we still have arguments because he is still thinking like a single man (ie. used to doing things on his own, etc.) The positive is that he fully admits how difficult this is for him. It just seems that, because I am more flexible, that I bend the most…and lately that is starting to wear on me.

I totally understand it wearing on you. No matter how much you love someone, it is no fun being the one to always give in. However… and this is not to let you husband off the hook but… it almost appears there is a boundary issue here. Why do you flex all the time if you just resent it after ? (I know deep down it is because you don’t know what else to do. I am notorious for giving in out of fear) However, in your husbands mind, how can he take you seriously if you say ‘OK, we will do things your way bug this is the last time’ if he has been hearing something similar for 5 years. It is not 100% his fault. Action speaks louder than words. Most people in his situation won’t change unless there is motivation.

So next time, don’t bend. Gentely stick to your guns. Whether he comes around or not, at least you won’t feel resentful. DISCLOSURE: There may be a situation where you set a boundary, h respects your boundary but still does not change. Setting boundaries does NOT guarantee the other will change

CM

 

[Lucky7]

I totally understand it wearing on you. No matter how much you love someone, it is no fun being the one to always give in. However… and this is not to let you husband off the hook but… it almost appears there is a boundary issue here. Why do you flex all the time if you just resent it after ? (I know deep down it is because you don’t know what else to do. I am notorious for giving in out of fear) However, in your husbands mind, how can he take you seriously if you say ‘OK, we will do things your way bug this is the last time’ if he has been hearing something similar for 5 years. It is not 100% his fault. Action speaks louder than words. Most people in his situation won’t change unless there is motivation.

So next time, don’t bend. Gentely stick to your guns. Whether he comes around or not, at least you won’t feel resentful. DISCLOSURE: There may be a situation where you set a boundary, h respects your boundary but still does not change. Setting boundaries does NOT guarantee the other will change

CM

Oh I hear you. And you’re right. It’s funny, because I said to him the other night that perhaps I’m too flexible. That i should be a bit more demanding! To be clear though, most times I am just the flexible one in that I am more easy going. Most times I am fine with doing what he wants, so I am not going to just find something to be inflexible about just to make a point, KWIM?

 

[Lucky7]

Charlotte,

I am so confused.

As for Briggs Meyers, years ago I took a test and came out INFJ. I recently took one and came out ISFJ, so I tend to lean towards the latest results.

I was surprised that my husband came out as an Extrovert when I took the 8 question socionic test. Although he can have moments as an Extrovert, he tends to lean Introvert. Therefore, I disagree with the types given for him.

**Admitting I don’t know what the heck I am talking about, if I had to describe where we are different, I would say the thinking vs feeling is the area where we are vastly different. Otherwise I think we both lean towards, introvert, judging, and sensing. **
That means there is only one area where we are different. I know that what I’ve shared about our relationship doesn’t seem to support that…which is why I am so confused. On paper we should have a relationship with very little conflict. However, perhaps because that one area is SO different FOR US is the reason for our conflicts. If I were to think about our arguments they are often the result of differences between my feelings and his thoughts/thinking. Then again, is that so unusual for most men and women?? Isn’t that usually the main difference between most men and women?

Update: Just took the Myers Briggs for my H and he is definitely a ISTJ (I am a ISFJ). When I read the description, it described him pretty much to a “T”.