If Your Spouse Gave You A Gift You Didn't Like

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pensmama87

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…how long would you wait before you quit displaying it? Not necessarily got rid of it, but didn’t have it “out”?

My husband, who is a very poor gift giver in general (he has narcissistic tendencies and almost zero insight into others, so it’s hard for him - I do like to praise his efforts though, because sometimes he does bother), gave me a truly ugly tchotchke for our anniversary this year for me to display in our bedroom. Unfortunately, it also cost a great deal of money (for us). I did thank him sincerely because 1) he actually bothered to get me a gift, and 2) it didn’t have a sports team logo on it. (:p) But even though I’m appreciative that he took the time and effort to get it, how long should I feel obligated to keep it out? Do I keep it on display indefinitely?

I don’t know if he would notice if I put it away or not. Looking at it does serve as a reminder that he does make an effort sometimes, but it’s also one of those things that collects dust and dirt…and it is so, so, tacky.

Thoughts?
 
It’s on display in your bedroom, so it’s not like everyone who comes over looks at it.

Personally, I would keep it out forever. It would serve as a reminder that he does try, and it would make him feel good. What’s an ugly item on display in a private bedroom when it comes to making your husband feel good?
 
pensmama87 said:
Looking at it does serve as a reminder that he does make an effort sometimes, but it’s also one of those things that collects dust and dirt…and it is so, so, tacky.
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I would focus on what it represents and reminds you of…a spouse who loving made an effort, despite his usual tendencies, to do something nice for you.

Is it such a big problem that it collects some dust? And if it’s displayed in your bedroom, is it even a problem that it looks tacky, since it is for private viewing anyway?

You should learn to love it for what it represents.
 
Perhaps I am underselling just how ugly this thing is. Think one of those awful, awful Thanksgiving turkey blow-up things for your yard, but small enough to fit into a bedroom and with a “love” theme.

😛

(Thankfully, it isn’t motorized.)

I guess I was just hoping I could put it in a box in storage, and love it every time I came across it while reorganizing or if we had to move, like you do with old yearbooks…before you put it away again, because do you really have to see yourself every single day in what was fashionable x years ago?

I guess I can give it a few more months and see if I still want to put it away. Maybe I’ll get lucky and get something to replace its spot on the shelf. 😉
 
pensmama87 said:

“My husband, who is a very poor gift giver in general (he has narcissistic tendencies and almost zero insight into others, so it’s hard for him - I do like to praise his efforts though, because sometimes he does bother), gave me a truly ugly tchotchke for our anniversary this year for me to display in our bedroom. Unfortunately, it also cost a great deal of money (for us). I did thank him sincerely because 1) he actually bothered to get me a gift, and 2) it didn’t have a sports team logo on it. () But even though I’m appreciative that he took the time and effort to get it, how long should I feel obligated to keep it out? Do I keep it on display indefinitely?”
  1. I think people aren’t giving you credit for how terrible it probably is. (I can imagine exactly what kind of article it is. Blech.)
  2. And yes, it does matter even if it’s “just” in your bedroom, because you see it every day and it’s a constant reminder that while your husband did try, he’s kind of thoughtless.
  3. Gifts become the property of the recipient. Give it a big, ceremonial display for a few months, and then put it away. If he asks, you can tell him (without rancor) that you gave it a try, but it didn’t really go with the bedroom. Then tell him that if he likes, he can display it on his turf (his office or garage or workshop or whatever).
I think it’s time to start discussing this sort of thing in advance (birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc.) and setting a budget for it. You might just want to request flowers every year instead for your anniversary, or a night out.
 
If it is Thanksgiving-y themed, I think you can put it away soon after the end of the month. I wouldn’t tell him he could put it somewhere else in the house though.

I’d also start setting a budget for gifts to each other and being more specific about a gift. I do like the idea of dinner out. Or ask for a gift certificate to a salon or day spa. 😃
 
If it is Thanksgiving-themed, just display it during the month of November in future.
 
Xantippe said:
pensmama87 said:

“My husband, who is a very poor gift giver in general (he has narcissistic tendencies and almost zero insight into others, so it’s hard for him - I do like to praise his efforts though, because sometimes he does bother), gave me a truly ugly tchotchke for our anniversary this year for me to display in our bedroom. Unfortunately, it also cost a great deal of money (for us). I did thank him sincerely because 1) he actually bothered to get me a gift, and 2) it didn’t have a sports team logo on it. () But even though I’m appreciative that he took the time and effort to get it, how long should I feel obligated to keep it out? Do I keep it on display indefinitely?”
  1. I think people aren’t giving you credit for how terrible it probably is. (I can imagine exactly what kind of article it is. Blech.)
  2. And yes, it does matter even if it’s “just” in your bedroom, because you see it every day and it’s a constant reminder that while your husband did try, he’s kind of thoughtless.
  3. Gifts become the property of the recipient. Give it a big, ceremonial display for a few months, and then put it away. If he asks, you can tell him (without rancor) that you gave it a try, but it didn’t really go with the bedroom. Then tell him that if he likes, he can display it on his turf (his office or garage or workshop or whatever).
I think it’s time to start discussing this sort of thing in advance (birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc.) and setting a budget for it. You might just want to request flowers every year instead for your anniversary, or a night out.
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👍
 
I would leave it out and thank God he didn’t try and pick out clothing for you.
 
Allegra said:

“I would leave it out and thank God he didn’t try and pick out clothing for you.”

At least clothing wears out eventually…
 
Xantippe said:
I think it’s time to start discussing this sort of thing in advance (birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc.) and setting a budget for it. You might just want to request flowers every year instead for your anniversary, or a night out.
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We do…theoretically. We set a budget and I hand him a list of ideas within the price range we agreed upon. He has yet to select anything from the list (even though we agree ahead of time on using a list). For this last one, he was proud of himself because he was able to “surprise” me. 😛 He said he didn’t want to get something from the list because they were all “practical” (kitchen gadgets, etc - I love to cook.) I guess it beats the times he forgets (or “forgets”), or when we go into a store and he says, “Oh yeah, pick something out for [occasion already passed].”

In the past I’ve done all of his gift buying for his parents, but this year I didn’t manage it for birthdays and he forgot to give them anything (though I reminded him he needed to). It was really embarrassing because I could tell they were hurt. I think they thought he had gotten better about it since we were married because I had been doing it. I’m also getting Christmas cards and small presents for his coworkers. It amazes me that he gets gifts from them every year but never considers that maybe he should reciprocate. :doh2:

It is annoying to see this thing on the shelf everyday. Our anniversary was in July, by the way - I just mentioned the Thanksgiving blow-ups because I have to drive by a few in our neighborhood. 😊 (though I’ll admit I don’t like the blowups for Christmas decorations, either). I may be getting bitter because Christmas is coming up so it’s a lot of pressure on me, and he’s telling me all the things he wants (all way out of our already agreed-upon budget) while ignoring stuff for the kids. He’s not nearly as bad as narcissism can get, but gift-giving occasions tend to bring out some of the worse elements.

But yeah, I think the flowers and dinner route may be the way to go from now on, since he has so far ignored the list solution.
 
PensMama87 said:

"We do…theoretically. We set a budget and I hand him a list of ideas within the price range we agreed upon. He has yet to select anything from the list (even though we agree ahead of time on using a list). For this last one, he was proud of himself because he was able to “surprise” me. He said he didn’t want to get something from the list because they were all “practical” (kitchen gadgets, etc - I love to cook.) I guess it beats the times he forgets (or “forgets”), or when we go into a store and he says, “Oh yeah, pick something out for [occasion already passed].”

Another chat? Maybe this time say, “You know the list I gave you? I actually would have loved to get one of those things that I asked for.” (Cue violins and sniffling–actually no, don’t do that.)

I understand if he is resistant to getting something practical. In that case, steer him toward flowers, dinner out, or frilly nighties. If you drink, wine is another very natural option. You could also get dipping chocolate and strawberries, or whatever fruit you like.

“In the past I’ve done all of his gift buying for his parents, but this year I didn’t manage it for birthdays and he forgot to give them anything (though I reminded him he needed to). It was really embarrassing because I could tell they were hurt. I think they thought he had gotten better about it since we were married because I had been doing it.”

I think I’d let him continue to take care of his parents, even if he’s really bad at it.

“I’m also getting Christmas cards and small presents for his coworkers. It amazes me that he gets gifts from them every year but never considers that maybe he should reciprocate.”

Unless he gets cards and gifts from most coworkers, that is probably optional. You can probably just send in some cookies or fudge for sharing and be done.

“I may be getting bitter because Christmas is coming up so it’s a lot of pressure on me, and he’s telling me all the things he wants (all way out of our already agreed-upon budget) while ignoring stuff for the kids. He’s not nearly as bad as narcissism can get, but gift-giving occasions tend to bring out some of the worse elements.”

Don’t be bitter, but you may want to sit him down, show him the budget number you agreed on for spending for him, look at the list of items he has been mentioning, and show him which items match that number. You really do not want him being disappointed and sulking on Christmas, so do not let him be surprised by what you don’t get him, and don’t kill yourself squeezing the budget to get him whatever it is he wants.

“But yeah, I think the flowers and dinner route may be the way to go from now on, since he has so far ignored the list solution.”

Best wishes!
 
If it was me, I’d probably wait until Christmas and see what happens. Does he get you a nice gift? That would indicate some progress and that accepting the current gift has encouraged him. Or if he fails to get you a nice or at least thoughtful gift, then you may decide it was in vain anyway and you’re not going to live with the uggly item. If you reach an agreement that he can stick to things like flowers and/or dinner, then it may not be such an issue to let him know the gift was ugly, since the overriding context will be an acknowledgement that he’s just not good at this anyway.

But more importantly, I don’t think any further progress can be made in this thread until we can see a picture of the item. 😉
 
Actually, I wouldn’t even know what to recommend in that situation.

However, I can tell you scenarios I’ve seen for what my mother, and others, to handle gifts.

She would tell us all, “Nothing for the walls! No knick knacks! No clothes!” She is now 88 y.o., and she would tell us “We already have everything. There’s nothing we need!”
I think there are some advantages to getting older. One begins to become more honest much of the time and not worry so much.

Well, also consider, I’m from a family of 11, and she really absolutely had to set at least a few ground rules!

This is funny but true. I’d ask my mother what to get my father for Christmas, and she’d tell me to get him some socks! I would say, “Socks?! I can’t get him socks!” She’d answer, “That’s what he wants and what he needs!”

So once, I thought I knew better. I came from Mexico with, what I thought, was a nice scarf. My mother explained he didn’t wear them, but I didn’t know that! Live and learn! So, I would have actually been better off going from the list and getting socks!
So, let that be a lesson! If someone gives you a list, it’s good to look at it!

I knew someone else who was getting Beatles stuff, yearly, from his family, because he liked the Beatles. So, it’d be Beatles T-shirt, Beatles blanket, Beatles …everything. He admitted it was okay, up to a point. I suggested he start being frank with his family.

Well, this was all happening, because he was so worried it might hurt to tell the truth, so yearly, he got a bunch of stuff…not only for Christmas but year 'round that he felt obligated to display! I told him to tell them in a nice way how he felt.

So, very diplomatically, one year he said that he was now “okay” with the Beatles stuff, that he had enough. Well, luckily, everyone understood, and after that, he thanked me for recommending that. It was actually only after he admitted the truth that he began getting “good presents”!

As long as he kept accepting these gifts, displaying them, etc., people assumed he liked them and actually got MORE of the same!

My mother was actually really good at being honest with presents. I don’t know. She had a habit of speaking so frankly. Sometimes, initially, it might hurt my feelings, but sometimes, especially as I got older, I came to even appreciate her honesty. She didn’t tell us what we wanted to hear, instead told the truth.

She could even tell us that, she appreciated the gift but…already had one… wouldn’t use it, etc. I have another friend who is about as honest, and it initially hurt, as well. Again, after I came to get used to her honesty, she became a VERY good friend, because I came to realize I could turn to her and hear, not flattery, or things said just to make me feel good or spare my feelings but the TRUTH!

I admit I’ve had difficulty being honest back, for fear of hurting people’s feelings, but the world would probably be a better place if it were possible to speak more of the truth like my mother and my friends.
 
I would not want to give a gift that annoyed someone, or that they could not wait to put away, or that was appreciated because I was given some lee-way based on my lack of skill. So, I would rather have someone tell me outright that they don’t like it and why. I would rather they get mad or cry than to lie or placate me, even if it is just trying to be nice and appeciative. I would not want someone trying to spare my feelings by acting like they like something and then telling others they can’t stand it. I would rather be told nicely, don’t give me any gifts.

As for what to do with the blow up symbol “love” in your bedroom, why not ask him?
 
I’m going to guess that unlike my husband, you don’t have narcissistic tendencies. He’s annoyed that he’s even expected to give gifts. I have to be extremely careful when I express any kind of displeasure to avoid blow-ups. I would rather have frankness, too, but he magnifies all criticism directed at him. “Sparing his feelings” is a big part of my household peace management. It may not be fair, but it protects me and the kids from endless whining and tirades about how mean everyone is to him.
 
Pensmama87 said:

“I’m going to guess that unlike my husband, you don’t have narcissistic tendencies. He’s annoyed that he’s even expected to give gifts. I have to be extremely careful when I express any kind of displeasure to avoid blow-ups. I would rather have frankness, too, but he magnifies all criticism directed at him. “Sparing his feelings” is a big part of my household peace management. It may not be fair, but it protects me and the kids from endless whining and tirades about how mean everyone is to him.”

It sounds like it is probably best to keep your powder dry, as the bad gifts are really the least of your problems.

Marriage counseling? When did you figure out that he has narcissistic tendencies, by the way? If you ask him, “Why are other people supposed to give you nice gifts, but you think it’s an imposition when you have to give gifts?” what does he say?
 
Xantippe said:
It sounds like it is probably best to keep your powder dry, as the bad gifts are really the least of your problems.
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👍

If keeping an ugly gift out keeps peace in the house then I would just let it go and keep it out.

It sounds like there are much deeper issues here than an ugly gift and you’ll need to choose your battles wisely.
 
Xantippe said:
Pensmama87 said:

“I’m going to guess that unlike my husband, you don’t have narcissistic tendencies. He’s annoyed that he’s even expected to give gifts. I have to be extremely careful when I express any kind of displeasure to avoid blow-ups. I would rather have frankness, too, but he magnifies all criticism directed at him. “Sparing his feelings” is a big part of my household peace management. It may not be fair, but it protects me and the kids from endless whining and tirades about how mean everyone is to him.”

It sounds like it is probably best to keep your powder dry, as the bad gifts are really the least of your problems.

Marriage counseling? When did you figure out that he has narcissistic tendencies, by the way? If you ask him, “Why are other people supposed to give you nice gifts, but you think it’s an imposition when you have to give gifts?” what does he say?
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We’ve done marriage counseling, but he’s very charming in public. Our first therapist (who had just finished going through a divorce) took his side completely and told me I just needed to indulge him until he felt like throwing me a bone (which would be never, I’ve been there, done that). The second one was a bit better, but not great. DH put on a “good face” for him, too. I am in individual counseling now. I first suspected that my husband was a narcissist about a year ago - when I was pregnant with our second, had HG, ended up in urgent care, and he kept texting me while I was being treated that he had a big important meeting he was missing so I needed to hurry up. Before that I had thought maybe he was on the autism spectrum but high functioning…he’s always had problems knowing social cues, but he’s also well liked in casual circles, so that part didn’t seem to fit. He’s definitely not as bad as it can get, which is why to this point I’ve stayed (plus I’m financially dependent on him with two young children.)

It has gotten better. I pray hard for him and for our marriage and am doing everything that I can to improve our (and my) financial situation in case he leaves, since I know narcissists are prone to do that. His image as the good family man is important to him, and has worked to my advantage before, so I’m not worried about him leaving unless a major crisis were to come along (if I had a debilitating illness, for instance.) I’m building a strong support network for myself (which he approves of, because then I don’t chatter his ear off about things he doesn’t care about.) I asked this question about the gift primarily because I have no idea how this works in other marriages. I am not sure at all if he would even notice if I put it away. He forgets anything that isn’t of primary concern to him.

When I do point out glaring inconsistencies, he will go along with a fairer solution, but he drags his feet, whines and complains, and then returns over and over again to it as an example of “how much he sacrifices.” So sometimes that’s more annoying than just putting up with the inconsistency. 🤷

(By the way, if you’re wondering why on earth I married him…at the time of our marriage I had absolutely zero insight into any of this. I was a perfect target for a narcissist - I was desperate to please, he was incredibly charming, and he had the kind of family I had always wanted growing up. And I could have picked a worse one. As I said, he wants to play the part of the good Catholic family man, not, say, the sports car driving babe picking up guy. If he was that guy, I’d be out of here yesterday.)
 
PhiloMed said:
👍

If keeping an ugly gift out keeps peace in the house then I would just let it go and keep it out.

It sounds like there are much deeper issues here than an ugly gift and you’ll need to choose your battles wisely.
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Yeah, I didn’t really intend for this thread to be so much about our issues as this particular gift thing, but maybe it was inevitable. And I’m really appreciating the other insights. I forget sometimes that my reality is not everyone else’s.
 
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