I'm a fallen away Catholic mom, please help!

  • Thread starter Thread starter kittery
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
K

kittery

Guest
I saw the thread about people who experience pain due to fallen away Catholics in their lives, and I’m here to seek help because I am one of those who has fallen away and it’s hurting my family.

I used to visit these forums nearly daily, but stopped because I felt that my view of Catholicism was changing for the worse. So many questions, threads, and responses that I would read here began to make me feel that there was no way I could ever be a good Catholic. I decided to step away from here and see if that went away. It did not.

I converted 5 years ago, shortly before I married my husband who was raised Catholic. I was so adamantly against the Catholic Church until I learned enough about it. Then I studied it voraciously and decided to convert. The main thing that started the domino effect of my movement towards the church was her stance on contraception.

Ironically, living this out in my own marriage was what began to unravel my faith. The coldness that grew between my husband and I in the bedroom made me question the logic and reason of the ban on contraception. Then I began to despise confession nearly every week because of intimacies between us that were mortal sins. I couldn’t stand confessing something that I feel isn’t a mortal sin.

So over the last year or so, I’ve began avoiding mass altogether. I don’t believe that it’s because I don’t truly “know” the faith, and it wasn’t the lack of a relationship with Christ. I’ve been a Christian my entire life and tried to keep to God’s word as best I could.

I feel so lost now, giving up the simplicity of my Christianity I had before I entered the church. Now it seems SOOOOO complicated and impossible. Impossible to please God. Impossible to stay out of mortal sin for more than days at a time. Impossible to truly believe I WILL go to heaven. I’m just so heartbroken and frustrated…and isolated.

I wish there was something to snap me out of this. I have read the usual recommended books, I admit my prayer life is lacking though. I never “converted” to catholic prayers like the rosary and the memorized prayers, although I felt like I was supposed to. I feel so out of touch with God that it’s hard to talk to him. I don’t know what he expects of me, if I’ve let him down more by entering the church or by not attending mass. I’m so confused.

If you’ve made it this far, bless your heart for reading. This hasn’t been spoken out loud or otherwise except for here. I need to give my confusion a voice, to acknowledge it and begin to move out of it. Any help, especially encouragement and prayers, will be deeply appreciated.
 
Hi Kittery, thank you for trustingly and generously sharing your story and the pain and loss you feel.

I just want to think about what you said for now, as your hurt and confusion is so poignant.

With love and prayer, Trishie
A warm hug from me.
 
Suffering servant of God

Dear Jesus, as Suffering Servant You accepted all human weakness and struggle in atonement for human sin. You obtained redemption for all who choose Your ways. With You, I accept the gifts and burdens of my humanity for the sake of others’ salvation. While I endure my faults and life’s difficulties, accepting them as opportunities to grow in love and wisdom, I ask that through Your mercy I never actually sin against You or other people.

Suffering Servant of God, united with You, I offer the heartaches and failures of others’ lives and mine. Your life in me is my real self that desires and moves towards goodness and others’ welfare. Where we can only experience grief or depression before traumatic and distressing occurrences, empower us with trust in You.

Fulfil Your promise that “all shall be well” that “all manner of things shall be well.” (Jesus to Julian of Norwich) Please grant me confidence in Your merciful action even when all seems hopeless, so that like You, I will obtain numerous conversions in blessing for my life lived in service of You and others. [Isaiah 52 11-12, Isaiah 53 1-12]

Jesus, even when I feel devastated or despondent, help me to pray and try to assist others. Help me to accept humbly, without surprise or disappointment that I seem imperfect and unfruitful. Let me live Your dream of me regardless. Let me be the treasure You created me to be, for You and for anyone in my life. Please delight Yourself in me and fulfil Your will in my life despite my inadequacies, trials and failures.
 
Grant me Your Spirit

Holy Spirit, I need wisdom, discernment and unconditional love. Will You share Yours with me?

I need healing for injuries and scars that prevent me from fully becoming the person I am created to be. Come into my mind and soul, and help me through the rest of my life.

Help me to persevere in living Your love, even where there is wounding greater than anyone is aware. Help me to carry my daily responsibilities with faith and hope.

I need You, Holy Spirit. Please access the gifts and beauty of my unique creation in God’s image.

Indwelling Spirit

Holy Spirit, I trust in Your love to give me confidence that You live in me because I am created in God’s image, and because of Your love for me. These truths are proclaimed in the Gospels and in Church teachings, but I would not otherwise suspect them.

Although I try to be good and kind, sometimes I am weary, absorbed by my activities or embroiled by others’ troubles. I try to love faithfully but my doubts obscure my vision of the God’s Spirit of love and goodness in me. Holy Spirit, make me confident of Your presence in me so that I live in greater fidelity to Your creative love

For others’ benefit and for Your glory, give me a deep appreciation and use of the goodness, loveliness joy and blessing of this creation whom You mean me to be.
 
Kittery,

I’ll remember you guys in my prayers. Please know that you are not the only people who have or are going though this.

Through our conversion we have become good friends with some families who use NFP and are very devout.

At the same time the majority of people we met and the Catholics I have known throughout the years - some of whom helped to lead me home have never ever followed nor believed the ban on contraception.

An old dear friend who is Catholic, went to Parish schools etc… was asking me last summer some questions. Oddly enough she seemed to truly know very little about her faith. When NFP / Contraception came up she told me that her mother, whom I have always felt was one of the most devout Catholic mothers I ever met (known her for years) almost left the Church when someone told her about the ban (this was the 70s). Her Parish Priest at the time told her that the ruling wasn’t clear and not to worry about it… she has lived her life as a great example to our Faith all while possibly committing a mortal sin (since she didn’t know though I guess it wasn’t a mortal sin).

This is what bothers me the most about our faith actually. There are a number of “mortal sins” that can condemn you but you have to know that they are mortal and have a true consent. Those areas, especially in regards to the marriage bed and other sexual practices, can often be VERY gray.

I pray that the Church will eventually address this, making things very clear. Yes I know how “Cafeteria Catholics” pick and choose what they want but I’m not talking about those people. I’m talking about devout followers of the Church’s teachings in EVERY respect except for that - some know and some don’t. I believe that is an eventual tragedy waiting to happen.

Many will disagree of course. I’m not saying those are right, just that it’s difficult. Especially for a convert who never believed some of these things were wrong for most of their life…

Most importantly of all though don’t give up on Christ’s Church because of difficulty in understanding or agreeing with one set of teachings. Love your husband and let him love you, the coming together, the re-newing of the marriage covenant is central to a happy marriage. Talk with your Priest about this as well. My guess is that you will find many whom, correctly or incorrectly, disagree with most of the people on this board in regards to seriousness of certain sins.

Joe
 
Trishie said:
Grant me Your Spirit

Holy Spirit, I need wisdom, discernment and unconditional love. Will You share Yours with me?

I need healing for injuries and scars that prevent me from fully becoming the person I am created to be. Come into my mind and soul, and help me through the rest of my life.

Help me to persevere in living Your love, even where there is wounding greater than anyone is aware. Help me to carry my daily responsibilities with faith and hope.

I need You, Holy Spirit. Please access the gifts and beauty of my unique creation in God’s image.

For other’s benefit and for Your glory, give me a deep appreciation and use of the goodness, loveliness joy and blessing of this creation whom You mean me to be.
Click to expand...
This is beautiful. This is what my heart is feeling, put into words. Words that reach out for hope and the hand of God. I will place this up on my fridge to remind me daily to plead for strength and wisdom.
 
Our God, speak in me

Our God, please ‘utter’ in me all that is necessary for the fulfilment of Your desire for my life and for anyone You hope to benefit through me.

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, in the infinite possibilities of Your love, You know what must be ‘spoken’.

Whatever entreaty and faith must be offered to obtain this ‘utterance’, please ‘speak’ also in me—for only You can.

I ask this for fulfilment of Your loving will in my life, and for the healing, repentance and conversion of souls whom You desire to save or bless through me.

I ask, and believe, that You continually utter Yourself in me according to Your eternal desire. You delight Yourself in me…in us!

Thereby, with our cooperation, You will fulfil our portion of Your plan of redemption. I trust this to the name of the divine and risen Saviour who shares our humanity.
 
In the presence of God

Our God, I cannot see, hear, or feel You, but I am in Your presence. I gaze at You with faith that sees nothing yet believes.

Trust in Your merciful love with hope in Your reality, brings peace even when my limitations and sinfulness barb my human heart.

I am inconstant and selfish, yet unafraid and hopeful, for You rejoice in the sincere, contrite person who comes trustingly before You.

I welcome Your forgiveness for my sins and omissions, confident that You will glorify Yourself in me—by being my thoughts, my efforts, my love, my truth, my wisdom, my whole life, prayer, and existence!

As I have no merit of my own, so may You, the more, glorify Yourself in me! Please flood me with Your love, transforming me into Your substance.

Thus, even if I remain in seemingly unconverted darkness, I shall be continual offering to You of the perfection of Your own all-creating, all-knowing, all-loving, all-good, harmonious, selfless Love that created me.

Let Your love continually flow into anyone whose life touches mine, so that I am witness and experience of Your love for him or her. I pray, and trust, that You utter within me for others, all prayer that You desire to offer and grant in the love that issues from Your infinite presence.

Thank You God, for although I do not see, hear, or feel You, our God, I know that by Your life in me and Your love for me, I am always with You.

O Silent God
Our God, we pray to You for others and ourselves, and sometimes it seems, if only for a time, a time of awful pain and loneliness, that no one is listening, that You are not there.

Many have turned away, disappointed and bitter, that You have not answered their urgent prayer, their painful need for self and for others. There is no satisfactory human answer to their challenge, whatever one might say of Your ways, Your time, because their anguish or their anger is the reality they experience.

Dear God, You need no reminder, but my humanness leads me to remind You that we are human in our minds and hearts and bodies. We have little or no actual sense or knowledge of ourselves as spirit. If You do not touch us as human beings living in a physical world that we acutely experience, then who can blame anyone for losing faith and hope in You. I cannot blame those who do…but I pray for them with all my heart and life.

O silent God let us hear Your voice in the words of others, and let us be Your love spoken to them. Yet may I ask that You also speak directly to their hearts and minds with unmistakeable Love even where we cannot detect the action of Your Spirit in ourselves or in others. Speak to them in their last moments, if not before.

Please be mindful of our needs, and nurture us as we pray and seek Your healing and care. Embrace all who have lost their hope in God and prayer and Church.
 
I’m one that caused pain to my family by converting to a Protestant faith despirately wanting things to be simple. But after studying the ancient church fathers and some basic orthodox judaism I realized that they too have similar beliefs to Catholicism for sililar reasons. My mother was very anti-Catholic. My dad was overly conservative. Longs story, but that’s for another thread. My wife converted to Catholicism while I was seriously considering Orthodoxy, Eastern Orhtodox Christian that is. I wish my father was alive today to see the look on his face.

Sorry CAF, but these forums really lack so much charity and character. The lack of spiritual depth oozes with screams of help me. Conversion is very difficult, especially in young marriages where both husband and wife struggle with temptations not to trust God in the marrital act…sex. We love to justify pleasure, finances, career, even family as the excuse for avoiding conception. NFP seems to work for others, etc. I don’t have room but to say that my life didn’t get better until my wife finally opened up to more children. I really wanted an army of children. I was depressed and even tempted to walk away from her. But I kept telling myself that I had to stick it out because I made my own bed and now I have to sleep in it. You see I didn’t realize the wisdom of the Church’s teachings until I converted to my wife’s faith, that I truly believed at first. But history and theology and example seem to play in favor of the Catholic view of marriage, life, etc. My wife got her tubes tied against my wishes. It cut my heart, but I had 3 children and realized that mental illness was playing in on this. She was brutally raped in her youth and we thought for moment during the 3rd child that we might lose the baby or even her. It was scary. I believe she did the tubaligation out of fear and a serious lack of trust in God and human beings. But was she culpable? That’s a different question. Although something may be a serious sin, it may not be the cause of mortal sin for some. Not because it isn’t a mortal sin but because of the definition of what a mortal sin is. Are we truly freely chosing it? Do we truly give into with our own free will. Or is there an outside force pushing us towards it? I don’t mean to justify sin, but I’ve come to understand that we are not to judge others or even ourselves so harshly lest we be held guilty for judging others. Remember the Lord’s Prayer…Forgive us our tresspasses and we forgive those who tresspass against us…

Our preacher/pastor/priest’s mother was a convert. She had difficult times too. It’s common. Even my own wife felt similar issues this past 6 months, but that was over the elections mostly…She loves the devotions. I would love to suggest a different, less common, devotion for you since you haven’t really dug deep into the typical devotions associated with Catholicism. Might I suggest 2… maybe 3 [Easter Church devotion using a rosary]. 1) Divine Mercy Chaplet 2) Liturgy of the Hours [my favorite but this is the Official Prayer of the Church that all religious and priest and deacons are required to recite consisting of Psalms, Scritpure Readings, Church documents, Ancient Church Fathers, beautiful and eccumenical in my opinion] 3) Jesus Prayer [google it]

More later. I’m praying for you and lighting a candle. Set up a prayer corner with a crucifix and candles… sacramentals corner. Try to go to the oratory for adoration. Deepen your prayer life. Find a spiritual director. Just brainstorming. Do something different. Satan loves to make us stumble. He hates it when we do what we are supposed to do. We all fall short of the glory of God. Don’t beat yourself up to harshly. Be easy on yourself a bit. YOu are still new and your husband sounds like he may have similar trust issues as well. Peole are vicious I know. But place your trust in him and let God do the work. I too waited until after a time to have children. Being a father was the most freightening thing for me to consider, especially knowing my parents. I still feel that I should have returned to the seminary to become a priest. But sinful priests, bishops, deacons and laity caused me to stumble and my lack of trust or broken trust caused me to fall hard. But God picked me up again.

Try reading some of those difficult books. But mostly try to find help. Spiritual help especially.
 
vocatio said:
More later. I’m praying for you and lighting a candle. Set up a prayer corner with a crucifix and candles… sacramentals corner. Try to go to the oratory for adoration. Deepen your prayer life. Find a spiritual director. Just brainstorming. Do something different. Satan loves to make us stumble. He hates it when we do what we are supposed to do. We all fall short of the glory of God.
Click to expand...
Oooohhh. I just had a moment with the Holy Spirit.:heaven: When I read that you are lighting a candle for me, my eyes just paused on those words. I felt such gratitude that another soul is out there somewhere lighting a candle- for me. Brought tears to my eyes. My mind was flooded with this beautiful picture of a prayer corner right here in our bedroom, set aside for time alone with God. I pictured candles, the Bible, a beautiful picture of the Divine Mercy. And then my eyes moved on to your next sentence about setting up a prayer corner and deepening my prayer life. The Holy Spirit is right here with me right now, nudging me and asking me to do this. I believe that God has used you tonight to speak to me, to hold up a lamp onto the path I should take. He has never ceased to amaze me. I will not forget your generosity, vocatio.
 
You know, I think we all go through dark times. It isn’t easy following Church teaching to the letter. But what I have learned in my own journey is that it is not the fault of the standard just because I can’t meet it, and that Jesus wants me to try to be perfect…but if I don’t make it, He still loves me and The Church still has room for me.

You are in my prayers, Catholic Mom…hang in there.
 
kittery said:
Ironically, living this out in my own marriage was what began to unravel my faith. The coldness that grew between my husband and I in the bedroom made me question the logic and reason of the ban on contraception. Then I began to despise confession nearly every week because of intimacies between us that were mortal sins. I couldn’t stand confessing something that I feel isn’t a mortal sin.

.
Click to expand...
I just want to touch on a few things regarding the above. Dh and I are both converts, as well, just to give perspective…

Is this “coldness” due to NFP? Fear of pregnancy? Lack of communication? Maybe other problems surfacing? Is it that you feel you can’t perform certain things that you did before?

NFP can be difficult for some couples. Sometimes that means they need to be open to more children, sometimes it means they both need to be super communicators. NFP doesn’t equal communication, you still have to talk to each other all the time about such issues. NFP isn’t magic. I can’t stress enough how important honest communication is in a marriage.

Maybe you could both read Christopher West’s Good News about Sex and Marriage or Greg Popcak’s Holy Sex to get a better perspective on marriage and sex. Popcak also has a book called For Better, Forever that might be helpful.

When spouses are on the same page, it can be so much better. Is your DH strong in his faith?

I’ll be praying for you!
 
I remember you 🙂 Good to see you back.

Each of us converts had some struggle with at least one teaching, maybe more - once you have learned all you can and crammed you brain full, it has to soak deep into your heart.

Work on your relationship with Jesus and His Church, spend time in adoration before the Sacrament, spend time in Scripture, spend time in prayer (and you can be a great Catholic and never memorize prayers 🙂 One thing I found about them, a memorized prayer is like those songs where everyone knows the words. In times of great despair, you can just slip into them or you can be with a group of total strangers and all pray the same thing. There is a fantastic Scriputral Rosary MP3 at the Rosary Army website. Give it a listen.)

One book suggestion? Fr. Dubay “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”.
 
I am praying for you! Please remember that the Church has many Saints who had every imaginable struggle–they are Saints because they persevered. Instead of thinking “I’ll never measure up”, try to think of all of the ways you are working on holiness. That could begin with a commitment to attend Mass each week with your family. When you struggle with a teaching, try to say, “I don’t understand this, but I pray Lord that you will help me.” I agree with another poster about spending time in Adoration too.

I work with teenagers and many are all about questioning the Church and her teachings. I always tell them that questions are GOOD. That is God calling them to a deeper faith. So, in that regard, please know how deeply God loves you and wants you to have peace. These struggles are His calling card. That’s not to say it will be easy, but I pray that you will find the strength you need to chip away at the things that are keeping you away.

God bless,
Kathy
 
Kittery, my heart goes out to you. Practicing NFP can be hard! It strips away the masks we wear, even to ourselves and our dear ones, and that can be terribly disconcerting and painful even as it helps us to grow.

What I found is that NFP is like a magnifying glass. When the relationship is healthy, NFP magnifies and expands the good stuff. When you need attitude adjustments or have troubles, NFP makes you notice that something needs attention.

Sometimes, though, it can be hard to recognize problems for what they are; it can be so much easier not to look past NFP for the real source. It sounds as though that might possibly be happening in your marriage, but I’m far from being any sort of expert. Just a suggestion for you to explore.

If you haven’t read any of Mary Beth Bonacci’s materials on HV and JPII’s Theology of the Body, you might consider looking over some of it. Ms. Bonacci has spent the last 20+ years teaching young people the beauty of this theology, and she has a wonderful way of looking at these concepts. She is single, and the irony of that has not escaped her! Her website is www.reallove.net, if you’d like to read any of her essays.

Have you and your husband been involved with the Couple to Couple League? I found their newsletter for members to be very encouraging, their materials very very well done and well referenced, and their phone counsellors experienced and sympathetic. Again, I’m no expert, but if it helped me it might help you.

Good luck & God bless-
-mdr
 
kittery said:
…I feel so lost now, giving up the simplicity of my Christianity I had before I entered the church. Now it seems SOOOOO complicated and impossible. Impossible to please God. Impossible to stay out of mortal sin for more than days at a time. Impossible to truly believe I WILL go to heaven. I’m just so heartbroken and frustrated…and isolated…
Click to expand...
Hi Kittery,
I’m glad to read in your later posts that you feel the Holy Spirit moving now. The prayer you quoted from Trishie is a beautiful prayer.

I experienced somewhat similar frustrations as you posted here a few years after I returned to the Catholic Church. I grew up Catholic then fell away to my husband’s protestant church. (he’s Catholic now.) Many protestants have the “faith of a child” that Jesus talks about–they simply trust Jesus to save them. As Catholics, we need to have a similar trust in God, but it often feels more complicated.

Trust in God. He wants to save you. He wants to give you and your husband the graces you need to follow Him.

It is impossible for us to stay out of mortal sins and save ourselves on our own power, but with God all things are possible. The Catholic Church has more rules (lots more rules–I remember being really upset a couple of years after I returned when I learned yet one more rule I was suppose to follow.)

Jesus offers us an abundance of graces through the Church to help us, such as the Sacraments and sacramentals like the candle vocatio lit for you.

You *will *fall sometimes as you follow Jesus–even Jesus fell on the way to the Cross. He got up again. I like reflecting on the Stations of the Cross. Jesus fell three times, and He depended on Simon of Cyrene for help in carrying the cross. I also like refecting sometimes on my own babies learning to walk. You are God’s child. He loves you. He’s helping you learn to walk in faith and to walk by faith.

I want to have the faith of a child, but I don’t want a childish faith. “*When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought as a child and reasoned like a child. When I became a grown-up, I pust aside childish things.” *(paraphrase on I Corinthians 13:11) We are God’s children, and He wants us to have simultaneously the faith of a child and a mature faith.

Prayers for you as you struggle. :gopray:
 
Jennifer_J said:
Is this “coldness” due to NFP? Fear of pregnancy? Lack of communication? Maybe other problems surfacing? Is it that you feel you can’t perform certain things that you did before?
Click to expand...
The coldness grew because I’ve always felt that my dh refuses to pay any fair amount of attention to the NFP, and would often initiate his advances during my fertile times which would upset me because I felt there was a general lack of respect for me as a person that showed in these actions. This was after two back-to-back blessings came along in our first two years of marriage. I needed some space between the next child, so much change so fast- I needed to adjust. While I charted, I hoped that the infertile times would bring some closeness but I’m not as interested during those times and he wasn’t hardly ever sleeping in bed with me anymore. I began to grow tired of being the “watchman” I guess, and practically ceased charting altogether, knowing that after cycle day 26 that we could still avoid. He didn’t even notice. I started charting again about 3 months ago, but he doesn’t know one way or the other.

DH is strong in his faith, he attends mass regularly and believes wholeheartedly in every single Catholic belief. Our communication is sorely lacking though, and I feel like he’s ignoring my obvious absence in the Church. I know it troubles him, but he doesn’t bring it up at all. I’ve brought it up a few times on my own, but I think his attitude is that it will “just work itself out”. 🤷
 
kage_ar said:
I remember you 🙂 Good to see you back.

Each of us converts had some struggle with at least one teaching, maybe more - once you have learned all you can and crammed you brain full, it has to soak deep into your heart.

Work on your relationship with Jesus and His Church, spend time in adoration before the Sacrament, spend time in Scripture, spend time in prayer (and you can be a great Catholic and never memorize prayers 🙂 One thing I found about them, a memorized prayer is like those songs where everyone knows the words. In times of great despair, you can just slip into them or you can be with a group of total strangers and all pray the same thing. There is a fantastic Scriputral Rosary MP3 at the Rosary Army website. Give it a listen.)

One book suggestion? Fr. Dubay “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”.
Click to expand...
It’s nice to know that you remembered me, thank you!

Your book suggestion is one that I have not read, I look it up.
 
KathyA said:
I am praying for you! Please remember that the Church has many Saints who had every imaginable struggle–they are Saints because they persevered. Instead of thinking “I’ll never measure up”, try to think of all of the ways you are working on holiness. That could begin with a commitment to attend Mass each week with your family. When you struggle with a teaching, try to say, “I don’t understand this, but I pray Lord that you will help me.” I agree with another poster about spending time in Adoration too.

I work with teenagers and many are all about questioning the Church and her teachings. I always tell them that questions are GOOD. That is God calling them to a deeper faith. So, in that regard, please know how deeply God loves you and wants you to have peace. These struggles are His calling card. That’s not to say it will be easy, but I pray that you will find the strength you need to chip away at the things that are keeping you away.

God bless,
Kathy
Click to expand...
Thank you for your prayers, and for validating my struggles as God calling me to a deeper faith. I often condemn myself for doubting and questioning, maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe life is full of many conversions for some or even all of us. I feel guilty for converting and then longing for what I used to have.

God bless you in your ministries, I’m grateful for people who can reach our youth!👍
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top