I'm a gay guy. Should I marry a woman?

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@catholic1seeks

I must ask in hopes you will answer: Is this relationship supposed to end your longing for a man?

I just want clarification. You do not need to answer
 
I must ask in hopes you will answer: Is this relationship supposed to end your longing for a man?

I just want clarification. You do not need to answer
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I do not think that marrying a woman would get rid of my SSA.

But neither will remaining celibate and single.

It’s not just about the SSA. It’s about figuring out what I’m supposed to do in life.
 
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You know, I thought of something else. You say you are a recent college graduate. That puts you in what? your early/mid 20’s? How about giving yourself some time. Live as a single man for a while. Establish a career, a home of your own, and in 7 to 10 or 12 years see where you are then. Don’t fixate so much on marriage as becoming a genuinely good and kind man. Revisit it then.
There is an old saying; at 14, young girls look for boys who are cute; at 40 women look for men who are kind." That actually works for almost all people in one way or another.
Become a good, kind, hardworking man and trust in Christ. He may surprise you where He leads you and where you end up.
 
So if by your will you enter a “marriage”, and you know you’re unable to perfect that union because your desire opposes desiring your wife…it’s imperfect, terminally so.
 
Would it not be better for you to take the marriage equation out of it totally and just find a great house mate that you could have around and share things with and be like family?
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Yes I like this idea better. My preferred way is having a celibate, but committed, partnership with another guy.

It’s just a lot of other gay guys don’t see things like that.
 
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catholic1seeks said:
Yes I like this idea better. My preferred way is having a celibate, but committed, partnership with another guy.

It’s just a lot of other gay guys don’t see things like that.
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A committed partnership with a guy? As in a good friend?
 
A committed partnership with a guy? As in a good friend?
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Yes, but there would have to be some sense of commitment. I assume you are familiar with Wesley Hill and Eve Tushnet (the latter is a Catholic). They write about ways the Church needs to bring back ways of forming relationships that aren’t marriages, precisely for people who are LGBT (like communal living, blessed committed friendships, and so on).
 
And also, this question isn’t so much about me trying to justify marrying a woman — for I never really thought of that idea before. It’s about me trying to open my eyes to the possibilities God may want.

For I have long-considered everything from priesthood to living communally to having a committed friendship/partnership to even going ahead and having a boyfriend in hopes of remaining close to the Church.
 
Indeed, it simplifies things if it is not!

You need family and intimacy. Don’t assume that life outside of marriage must be life outside of family and intimacy!
 
Yep. And plenty of married people are miserable and lonely…
When you’re single marriage often seems like “the promised land”… for a lot of people, it isn’t.
 
catholic1seeks said:
I have ZIP/ZERO sexual attraction to women.
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I think this is the other issue with your situation. You have stated ZERO sexual attraction. Not a “1% attraction,” not a “tiny attraction,” but rather a “zero sexual attraction.”

Does this mean you would shiver with repulsion when making love to your wife? Or would your love for her bring you attraction?

As some else has said, you can be primary attracted to the same men and still marry a woman. But if you have zero attraction to your wife, then there is an issue.

Now, there have been women in my youth who I was NOT sexually attracted to because they were not my type. However, after I got to know them better, I feel in love with them and my sexual attraction grew in a healthy way for them. Though I was never with them because it didn’t work out.

It is possible to fall in love with someone and develop sexual attraction for someone who you normally would not be attracted to based off of physical looks.

For you to marry a woman, you would need to truly find someone who understands you, is totally ok with it, and you would need to fall truly in love with her to the point where you could embrace her.

NOTE: I’m not talking about lusting after her, like you lust after a man you see on the street. But rather, you would need to love her enough that you could embrace without repulsion.

From what I understand from some SSA people, it is possible for them to find one opposite sex person who they can have that relationship with. So for you to marry a woman, not only would you need to find that one, special woman, she would need to feel the same way about you too.

That’s why this is very difficult. Not impossible. But the odds are unfortunately not good.

May God be with you and I pray you are able to receive the support from Courage, good friends, and family.

God bless
 
I’m going to chime in here and justnpoint out one detail that I hope you consider. I will not give any advice, one way or the other.

Marriage is hard. Marriage is tough. I married my soul mate, and what keeps the marriage going through the rough patches is knowing that she is the woman of my dreams. We fight and yell. We argue. Yet, even when I’m mad, or she is mad, I know that I want to wake up next to her. I’m not married out of not wanting to be married. Or not wanting to be alone. I married her for the good times and the bad. The fun and the hard. The arguments and the joking with each other.

I couldn’t imagine dealing with all the hard times knowing that I wasn’t attracted to her.

Sexual attraction isn’t everything, but it’s a MAJOR part of marriage.
 
catholic1seeks said:
It’s just a lot of other gay guys don’t see things like that.
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I hear you. But that’s because our society makes it seem like that. Also who says the person has to be SSA?
catholic1seeks said:
They write about ways the Church needs to bring back ways of forming relationships that aren’t marriages, precisely for people who are LGBT (like communal living, blessed committed friendships, and so on).
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Exactly! You need intimacy but not sexual intimacy. You need a loving bond (as a friend) with a man. The Church should promote brotherly, friendly relationships more between people
 
Prodigal_Son said:
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phil19034:
I THINK the others are very skeptical of whether you could actually find a woman would be honestly OK with this arrangement to the degree that you would have a real sacramental marriage.
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I don’t think you’ve met enough women. There are PLENTY who would sign up for that deal, especially those who are relatively asexual. But … you would want to make sure that they would feel VALUED in it. A lot of women lack the ability to value themselves, so that’s what you need to be careful of.

Also, you want to make sure you won’t get 10 years in and say, “Enough of that, I’m gonna marry Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s dreamy!” 😛
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Don’t get me wrong… I’m with you 100%. What you said about value was really my point. You expressed it much better than I.
 
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@catholic1seeks I’m so glad my post was helpful. I’m sure this must be a huge struggle for you, and I’m glad you talked to your priest to find some answers. I think he gave you some wise advice, and if my thoughts echoed his, then you are probably on the the right track. This isn’t a black and white issue, and from what you wrote, you are not looking for a marriage in order to deceive someone or just to fill your loneliness.

You are correct that modern culture says that if you have SSA, then you are gay and you have to live a gay life. Now, I don’t have personal experience with this, but I don’t think it’s that straightforward and neither does the Church. Jesus sent you this particular cross, but everyone has a personal cross to carry. You know that you are meant to resist these SSA thoughts and rise above them, either to a celibate life, or God-willing, a Sacramental marriage IF He grants you hetero-attraction to the woman He sends to you. People shouldn’t limit God and say that He couldn’t change your heart in this matter. But marriage is called a vocation because it is HARD WORK and you need to be in unity with your wife in all things, and you should be DEEPLY in love with her if you marry a woman. Don’t do it otherwise.

*I just wanted to add something else that I thought of. When any woman marries, she wants to know that her husband is pure in his thoughts. It doesn’t matter if he’s heterosexual or if he’s struggled with SSA. She wants to know that he is thinking about ONLY her. This is a real struggle in this day and age. So I would recommend that you really strive for purity, capturing every impure thought and giving it back to God. There are so many resources available for this. But if you are serious in wanting to pursue a relationship eventually, then be the type of man that a woman would want to marry. Be sure you are worthy of a woman and she can safely give her heart to you. (This obviously goes both ways, and is a battle some people struggle with all their lives).

And like someone else said, God really is sufficient for all our needs. I know you are longing for a relationship, but if it doesn’t work out, then give Him your sufferings and fall in love with Jesus. He is enough. Hope these ramblings help! God bless.
 
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Exactly! You need intimacy but not sexual intimacy. You need a loving bond (as a friend) with a man. The Church should promote brotherly, friendly relationships more between people
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Yes, and this is the general principle, and it’s what has led me to consider various options, including (recently) even marriage — as my PRIEST recommended.

But thing is, the Church has to also promote this kind of thinking. I don’t mean to simply things, but in general, the Church has fallen for the modern notion of romance/love and marriage as the primary way of living out loving relationships. Yes there are communal living, monasteries, and so on — but these and EVEN things like committed friendships were MUCH, MUCH more common in the past. There was even an ancient Christian ritual/blessing between two friends “brothers” or “sisters.”

So, not to rant, but if the Church does want LGBT persons to find a meaningful home in the Church, it’s going to have to realize that not LGBT persons can so easily fit in one mold. We can say NO to marriage all day long. We can, like Catholic Answers does, mock it by describing it as “so-called gay marriage.” But what good is that doing?? We need teaching, yes. We need clear boundaries, yes. But people are complicated, and real life is not always black-and-white. So we need to reach out and provide ways of vocations.

Basic convo with my priest was like this:
Priest: So you don’t want to be a priest?
Me: I don’t think so
Priest: But you want have a relationship?
Me: Yeah but I’m gay.
Priest: Then you should try being open to marriage.

I don’t blame him, because part of his thinking stems from the culture he came from (not American). But it goes to show how simplified it is: either PRIEST, RELIGIOUS, or MARRIED. Where does the LGBT person fit???
 
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What you say is false. You are mispresenting and distorting the Catholic Church’s teaching on marriage.

Pope Benedict and Saint John Paul II have written profoundly and clearly about marital love.

In fact Pope Benedict uses the point that “agape perfects eros”. Agape elevates eros and connects it to the supernatural virtues of Faith, Hope and Charity.
 
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