I'm a gay guy. Should I marry a woman?

[gracepoole]

So by this definition, no married person enters marriage for a “selfish” reason like, oh idk, it feels good to have a partner, it feels good to not be alone, it feels good to love someone, it feels good to have sex, intimacy, commitment, children…

Still seems like an accusation to me!

I’m going to assume you quoted the wrong poster here. Marriage calls upon spouses often to place their partners’ needs and wants above their own. All humans are self-oriented to a certain degree. Overcoming the focus on the self is a struggle for most, even those who marry in the most ideal circumstances to someone for whom they feel intense and passionate romantic love. It’s not necessary to lose the self in marriage. But it is often necessary to sublimate one’s innate focus on self to create a true union with someone else.

Have you witnessed positive marriages? I ask because I can’t think of a single example in which the above isn’t true.

 

[ratio1]

That’s great! You’ve just taken a small step amongst many steps.
You just don’t know what could happen. Next thing you need is lots of prayers and Gods help.

 

[Norseman82]

So by this definition, no married person enters marriage for a “selfish” reason like, oh idk, it feels good to have a partner, it feels good to not be alone, it feels good to love someone, it feels good to have sex, intimacy, commitment, children…

Still seems like an accusation to me!

I’m not trying to accuse you of anything; I’m just trying to understand where you may be coming from and to share something that I’ve learned that may resonate with you, because from what you posted in that one post about not liking the gay hook-up culture at college, I’m going to go out on a limb and speculate that maybe you just want a brother and not a husband? Does that make sense?

 

[guanophore]

This is really where the focus needs to be. Where has God called me to serve?

 

[catholic1seeks]

I’m sorry, the user above was right. I responded to the wrong post! I’m not sure how that happened.

But with regard to your post, no I don’t have a brother. Naturally, I could see how one would theorize about longing for male companionship if there is a lack of that growing up, whether in family or friends or what have you.

I’m not sure if that’s my case. I mean I know a lot of people who are straight men and also don’t have brothers.

For me, it seems my being gay has always been intertwined with my personality. I’m not sure if anyone really understands it. But I wouldn’t say being gay, for me, is merely a social result.

 

[Lea101]

Well, the main issue would be that most people view homosexuality as okay. In other words, there’s nothing wrong with it so why change?

Eg think about a girl wanting a nose job. We would tell her that her old nose is perfectly fine and there’s no need for her to change it.

We also don’t know what causes this fluidity (some people believe it’s natural) so current methods are just a waste of time and in serious cases, they disrespect the dignity of the human person.

 

[catholic1seeks]

Not even the church teaches something is “wrong” with homosexuality (as an orientation). If that were the case, the church would actively be encouraging conversion of even the attraction. But she doesn’t.

The last thing we need is little gay boys and girls to think there’s something “wrong” with them. We can look at the statistics to see how much good those thoughts do…

 

[Norseman82]

Well, there are close to 300 responses for you to chew on. Take some time to ponder them. Log off and get a good night’s rest. But before your head hits the pillow, spend some time pondering them in prayer. If you feel confused, tell that to God; I think He wants to rescue those who sincerely want to do things His way but are being pulled in different directions and are having roadblocks being put in their way. Please also realize that there could be a “demonic tormenting” of you; ask the priest about this possibility.

 

[Rozellelily]

I should have clarified my question better.
I wasn’t refer to something “unnatural” between you and your father,but rather more whether he was present or absent in your life.

I’ve noticed a pattern sometimes that some guys who long for affection or physical closeness with another male sometimes have an absent father or an emotionally distant one but this may not be relevant to your situation.

Sorry if I have caused any offence.

 

[Lea101]

Technically, it’s disordered. Which means that the attraction is not meant to be there (which means, before the fall, it would not exist. So would straight lust, just to be clear). But it doesn’t teach that it is a sin to be attracted to someone of the same sex of course, because you don’t choose for that to happen.

 

[catholic1seeks]

Right, and I think we have to clarify the Christian practice of minimizing our passions and tendencies to such excesses as lust while also distinguishing that from the homosexual tendency/orientation/attraction itself. I’m not sure it’s helpful to compare working on our unhealthy attractions and tendencies (to lust for example) with our sexuality in general. For many who are gay, like me, it means more than just lusting frantically over members of the same sex. It also includes our personality and how we relate to others and even desire to be emotionally involved as well. Sexuality runs deep. That’s why it’s been very harmful to people who are encouraged to seek conversion of their sexuality.

 

[ratio1]

It’s also harmful for people who want it to be to be denied that opportunity.

 

[catholic1seeks]

Well, what I have been talking about all thread with regards to marrying a woman does NOT presume conversion (of sexuality).

I’m very confident that’s not even a possibility for me. But that’s ok. The church doesn’t require it. And many have written against it and its arguably harmful effects —- especially when it’s forced on those who don’t want it (by their parents, etc)

 

[ratio1]

I think it is fair to compare with say arrogance. Some people feel that defines them and they feed on it. The get their confidence in that way. It’s not wrong to have these feelings and it’s not their fault that they are arrogant. We certainly do not need to forcibly remove somebody’s arrogance. But for someone who recognised that they think arrogance is a detriment to them, why would we want to deny them to seek help to deal with this? Not that the arrogance can be completely eliminated, that would be a lie, but to regain some humility? Why not?
It’s the same with SSA and OSA.

 

[catholic1seeks]

No, it’s really not the same at all.

But it’s late, and I’m stressed from trying to explain myself to everyone who seems to know better than me what being gay means for me.

So I will take a break and try to relax before I regress in frustration.

 

[guanophore]

Well your Catholic faith should tell you that you’re never alone.

I think this is the crux of the issue no matter what the sexual orientation or state in life of the person.

The same or more intimacy is to be had/developed by a lively interior life with God than with one’s married spouse of the opposite sex.

This is the teaching of Scripture and the Church. No matter what our vocational calling in life, our relationship with God is at the Center.

Someone that is the “very best for her” is someone who is sexually attracted to her? I’m confused.

Love seeks that which is best for the recipient. Sexual attraction is not the center of human happiness, and therefore, is not the most important criteria for making such a decision.

are ALL marriages between members who are always sexually attracted)

No. They never have been, and never will be.

I’m asking if this marriage would make sense for someone like me.

Of course it can, if that is God’s calling for you!

Since when is having SSA an impediment to marriage?

It is not. It may be when the person experiencing it deems it so, but otherwise, no.

It wouldn’t be “forced or fake or a lie.” I’m afraid you have a very modern Western understanding of marriage as simply a romance.

You are correct, and I am sorry that you have gotten such a biased response.

You’re trying to create some artificial world

No, arranged marriages are quite historically validated.

Since when has it not been an impediment?

If it were, thousands of people would never have been successfully married. This is like saying that an attachment to pornography or many relationships with other persons of the opposite sex are “impediments to marriage”… That is absurd.

Then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

@catholic1seeks please do not be discouraged by the bigoted attitudes of certain members.

If you truly would like to have a marriage and family, then really get on your knees and start praying about it.

Thank you @ShowersofRoses this is exactly right!

 

[guanophore]

Not to sound whiny, but I’m still curious why most replies are still looking from the hypothetical perspective of the woman and not really at all addressing my own concerns, or the reasons that prompted me to ask this question.

You don’t sound whiny, but you do accurately observe that the Catholic faithful are at a loss when it comes to ministering to certain members of the Body.

“fullness of conjugal love” What even is this? Does ANY couple possess a “fullness”?

This is a very good question, and I suspect there are very few couples that experience it. Most married couples experience friction in their relationship that affects their marital embrace. What people are referencing is an ideal.

I am glad that you have had this experience, but throughout time, persons participating in arranged marriages have approached the bond without knowing this, and without any expectation that they ever would! If you think this makes the marriage bond invalid or an “impediment” you are dreaming!

 

[pianistclare]

Hmmmm
not sure where you got all that from in my post, but…

Yes older couples are still physical.
Marriage does require sexual attraction because the whole point of marriage is to be unitive and procreative.
No one said anything about segregating people.
???

If you cannot be a true husband to a woman, what is there to be open to?

Why can’t you see that even if you tell a prospective spouse EVERYTHING about yourself, there’s still deception?

It’s not a contract: Here, you solve my loneliness, and I’ll just be your swell friend in your house.

Doesn’t sound very appetizing to me.
Sounds like my cat, TBH.

This is a good thread though.

Some of the greatest friendships in the world have been platonic.
Would you say those relationships were not rewarding or fruitful?

 

[kristaok]

No I wasn’t accusing you… I’m just saying that if I were in your shoes I’d wait. I know where you’re coming from I’ve suffered with being bisexual / more on the lesbian side thankfully God cured me, but I’ve had to seek Him.

 

[1959]

I am a straight guy and always thought that being alone was a fate worse than death. So I had numerous girlfriends in my younger days but always ran them off by trying too hard to get married. Now I’m almost 60 and am alone. What a blessing! I have a place out in the country. Just me and my cat, the grass and the trees and most of all GOD. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. Give it to God. Ask him what he wants.