I'm a gay guy. Should I marry a woman?

[Thorolfr]

Is not sex possible even when physical attraction is not all that’s meant to be?

You said that your attraction to women is “ZIP/ZERO”. So, is it even possible for a man to have sexual intercourse when there is no attraction at all? Not being able to get an erection would be a bit of a problem, wouldn’t it? It might be possible, I suppose, for such a man to fantasize about having sex with a man when he was having sex with his wife…

 

[guanophore]

Naturally, I could see how one would theorize about longing for male companionship if there is a lack of that growing up, whether in family or friends or what have you.

Well we can theorize until the end of time, and we may never progress. “Seek first the Kingdom” does not require, and is not benefited by our speculations about how we got where we are now.

think about a girl wanting a nose job. We would tell her that her old nose is perfectly fine and there’s no need for her to change it.

Are you really comparing same sex attraction to a person wanting a “nose job”. May God have mercy!

so current methods are just a waste of time

What exactly is that supposed to mean?

there are close to 300 responses for you to chew on

I am amazed that there were this many responses in less than 8 hours! It just goes to show how emergent this issue is.

 

[J_the_Centrist]

Offense? Not at all, I was only suggesting that it better to have someone than no one and I should’ve said most of the time because there are circumstances where certain people shouldn’t be with anyone. The world has become a very place despite the overpopulation we have on it. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

[rockford]

I don’t think you should fight who you are. Good luck in your spiritual journey, and God bless you.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

When people are in arranged marriages, the aren’t in love at the beginning.
Not a perfect analogy, I know.

 

[guanophore]

This made me think of King Henry VIII

KIng Henry did not think that his wives met his criteria of what "marriage should be (produce a male heir).

Honestly, are you proposing that heterosexual married persons have never met people outside their marriage that do not fit their concept of a “PERFECT” partner?!?!

Do you think that such persons are unable to remain pure to their marriage vows? Why would you assume that a person who has SSA would be any different? I find that whole line of reasoning insulting.

Conflict in marriage is expected, and is part of how God intends that we be made holy. A priest once told me that we no longer need to wear camel’s hair shirts because we live with them!

I agree with you that most conflicts in marriage occur because of what one, the other, or both partners think “should be”. Our unrealistic expectations are the root of most of our conflicts in life.

To suggest that a person with SSA would have any different “conflicts” than a person who does not have this, or that they would be faithless to their marriage vows as a result seems quite bigoted.

Such a statement reveals a complete lack of knowledge about the history of marriage.

Also I imagine the straight spouse could face some serious temptation if they later met a nice member of the opposite sex who (reasonably appropriately) demonstrated that they were attracted to them.

How is this any different from a heterosexual couple that marries because the woman is pregnant? Should a Catholic who has repented of pre-marital sex, and married the parent of their child, expect they will never be disappointed or tempted?

There is not reason that this connection cannot come after the marriage.

 

[guanophore]

Our desires for the other should be unencumbered for the other we marry.

What does this even mean?

Do you honestly believe people who get married don’t have any baggage?!

You’re trying to create some artificial world, an artificial case

An hypothetical case does not equate to “artificial”. On the contrary, there are many marriages that have taken place in the same circumstances the OP describes!

The “Western model” for marriage is the life of Jesus Christ, ending on the Cross, with a resurrection.

This is a myopic perspective. On the contrary, arranged marriages were very common in “Latin/Western” Christianity, especially for royal families.

You have lost sight of the cultural influences on the nature of marriage. That being said, I do agree with you that marriage is about what is revealed in the Sacred Scriptures.

but wouldn’t a gay man marrying a woman be like a gay man entering seminary and being ordained a priest; not good?

The fact is that homosexual persons have been entering into marriage bonds and having children since the beginning of time. They have also been entering the seminary since the beginning of those.

What is “not good” is a person refusing to embrace the vocation to which God has called them.

Would it be unfair if she were open to it?

No. People marry for all kinds of reasons.

Look, either you understand what the Church teaches or you don’t.

I agree, but I have failed to find anything in the Church teaching that indicates SSA is an impediment to marriage.

But please realize you are not going to get any faithful Catholics on this site to agree with you, nor be converted to your way of thinking.

The OP is asking a question. I don’t see any effort to “convert” anyone to a way of thinking.
Why is this subject so provocative of defensiveness?

 

[ConfusedLucy]

There is always room for temptation but after years of being with someone not attracted to you it must be very flattering to experience being desired.

 

[guanophore]

There is always room for temptation but after years of being with someone not attracted to you it must be very flattering to experience being desired.

1. you are limiting the power of God to presume attraction cannot develop
2. you are assuming that there is some qualitative difference between this hypothetical and a heterosexual union in which a spouse has been flattered by attraction after years of not having it
3. you are assuming there is a qualitative difference between the spouse of a person who experiences SSA and the spouse in # 2 above. How, in either case, is the spouse not called to chastity, and how would there be any difference?

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I personally would not take the risk of entering such a marriage myself in the hope that an attraction would develop. I’m not saying it would be right to leave the marriage for a flatterer either.

 

[guanophore]

Let’s stop addressing your concerns

This seems so consistent with the mission of CAF, does it not?

“hypothetically”

Perhaps you are one of those black and white thinkers that is unable to process a “hypothetical” question. There are people that are limited to concrete thinking and are unable to abstract so as to process a “hypothetical”. But even if you are cognitively deficient in this way, that does not excuse your accusatory and derogatory attitude. One has to wonder what kind of unresolved issues you have that would drive such behavior?

The kind of woman who would agree to this is likely to be either a little damaged and desperate or she would be convincing herself it’s OK but secretly hoping you would come around.

Honestly do people here really think that heterosexual women have not married men about which they felt this way?!

 

[Lara]

I don’t wish to get into my exact situation but I’d like to say that the intimacy the OP seeks cannot be found in a single life replete with friends, volunteerism and family members. A celibate single life interfaces with the lives of married people and their kids but it is nothing like feeling a part of that world. You are always on the fringe of common society.

There can be a strong, overpowering reason to live like this, and it can be thoroughly blessed by God, and willed by God, but it doesn’t feel like being part of mainstream society.

One of the wisest posts above outlined that the OP is at the age when everybody else is dating and pairing off, and that the OP would feel a certain pressure to do the same.

I can’t offer the OP anything more right now, other then to say, hang in there. All things will work for good in the end. You will be okay. God Bless you.

 

[Daisy]

Not even the church teaches something is “wrong” with homosexuality (as an orientation). If that were the case, the church would actively be encouraging conversion of even the attraction. But she doesn’t.

The last thing we need is little gay boys and girls to think there’s something “wrong” with them. We can look at the statistics to see how much good those thoughts do…

But the church DOES teach those feelings to be disordered, not in accordance with nature.

Sexuality and romance are extremely powerful, positive emotions that have been found to be directly influenced by classical conditioning. (Remember Pavlov’s dogs?) This makes sense to me. APA PsycNet
Classical conditioning has been shown to develop deviant sexual desires within individuals.

Granted, this does not solve your problem for you, but it does give some food for thought.

Here is an interesting article which also might be of help to you:

I Never Became Straight. Perhaps That Was Never God’s Goal.

Why I embraced the Bible's sexual ethic before I understood it.

www.christianitytoday.com

 

[OsculeturMeOsculo]

You seem to enjoy arguing with people.

 

[CapitalistCatholic]

Sounds like the life for me lol

 

[Maximilian75]

You know what’s more devastating?

Eernal damnation for giving in to illicit and immoral homosexual desires…

OP, suffering in this life is nothing compare to the joy we are promised in the next.

 

[Lia]

This is what SSA people have been doing for centuries. I don’t see a problem with it. You should start dating women, most people are slightly bisexual anyway, you might find someone you are attracted to. Just don’t lie to a potential wife if you plan on being with her in the long term.

 

[CapitalistCatholic]

This thread has been really helpful and I’m glad someone decided to ask this question, as I did not have the courage myself.

 

[Maximilian75]

She should know of his homosexuality, though.

I personally know of familes that have been torn apart by a father coming out and leaving the family to go live a homosexual lifestyle

 

[ratio1]

That’s why my solution is better.