I'm a gay guy. Should I marry a woman?

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My (now) ex husband did this. He is gay. Basically he used me and it nearly ruined my life. It was devastating to me. My goals in life (of being a dedicated and loving mother and wife) were destroyed when he left me. He lied to me, used me, and eventually left me because he couldn’t live the lie. Plus, it was a big financial hit. I won’t be able to retire at 65… maybe ever.

So you are asking if you should lie and use another human being for your own desires, possibly ruining that person’s life. Answer me this, would you want someone to do this to you? Do you really want to do this to someone else? Someone, who loves you?
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I’m sorry about your situation! This sounds terrible!

Of course, this wouldn’t be my intention.

My idea of marrying woman is not about hiding my sexuality or trying to make myself something I’m not.
 
People are not addressing your concerns because you seem to only care about your concerns. It seems like the points addressing how your potential spouse would fare in this marriage seems to be of no concern for you.
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And you are free to continue that accusation!

Won’t be much help for me, though!
What will happen when you get married and you still get lonely?
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I’m not sure, but I’m betting it’s certainly a different form of loneliness.

The idea of living alone, no family, no children, no companion, and all that is certainly a different kind of loneliness.
 
The biological basis of homosexuality doesn’t really relate to the morality of same-sex relationships and activity, one way or the other.

[Well actually, it DOES relate insofar as subjective culpability is concerned.]

It seems both sides seem to forge the data in order to fit their moral schemes.

Just because there isn’t a “gay gene” doesn’t mean it’s not biological. It probably IS, in some way, even if that just means genetic predispositions (that will awaken in environment, social conditions, etc.)

Whatever the case, the Catholic Church is happy to admit that homosexual persons do NOT choose their inclination.
 
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The biological basis (or not) of homosexuality could impact morality - the “born this way” argument. It could also bring up some awkward questions, if a “gay gene” was ever found (sexuality-selective abortion, the possibility of a genetic “gay cure”).

But as I said, nobody knows for sure. I think there might well be some genetic element but apparently successful “gay conversions” suggest there may be some cultural element as well. Like most things, nature leads but nurture is key. God always gives us a choice.

At any rate, the Church is very firm on the subject and they have a lot of data to back up their convictions.
 
The biological basis (or not) of homosexuality could impact morality - the “born this way” argument. It could also bring up some awkward questions, if a “gay gene” was ever found (sexuality-selective abortion, the possibility of a genetic “gay cure”).
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The Born This Way movement will use that data, but it doesn’t affect anything. Plenty of human conditions are genetic. Doesn’t mean God directly wills that.
 
catholic1seeks said:
Gosh, now that’s just got to make your future wife feel special and loved.
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I find this to be an acceptable situation for both you and the future wife. It’s not like your future wife will be unaware of the situation. Much love can come from this union and it can surely be sacramental. I beleive you are on to something here.
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I might be very wrong here, but what about a woman who has the same issue? May not be perfect, but could help both people.
 
After reading this thread, I’m not sure why anybody is under the impression that C1S will be hiding his orientation. If he can find a compatible woman that will love him for who he is I say awesome. This should be our prayer for all those in your situation. I think what you are seeking is well thought out and a mature action both mentally and spiritually.
 
catholic1seeks said:
People are not addressing your concerns because you seem to only care about your concerns. It seems like the points addressing how your potential spouse would fare in this marriage seems to be of no concern for you.
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This is very true. I am happily married but still feel lonely every once and a while for different reasons. I do not seek other women as companions of any sort.
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catholic1seeks said:
I’m sorry about your situation! This sounds terrible!

Of course, this wouldn’t be my intention.

My idea of marrying woman is not about hiding my sexuality or trying to make myself something I’m not
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Okay, I understand.

First, I think you are going to have a hard time finding a woman who wants to marry fully knowing you are gay. Maybe a lesbian would (like they used to do back in the day when gay men and women had to hide things). But what if she gets tired of it and decides she wants to leave and legally marry a woman?

I would still question “why marriage?”

If it’s for the sacrament, it won’t really be a sacramental marriage since it’s not valid from the start (it’s a marriage for alternative reasons so to speak). How, for example, can you say you are open to children if you aren’t going to have sex at all?

If it’s for secular reasons, there are some good, strong legal and financial reasons to marry. However, not having a true sacramental marriage puts you more at risk for divorce (which can have some profound legally and financially devastating consequences). It might not be worth the risk.

If it’s for what this seems to be about, fear of ending up alone, I would say the room mate option is a good alternative. Look at me, I am a divorced woman in her late 40s. I am afraid of being alone later in like too (and I don’t think I will marry again). I honestly would love a room mate of some sort later on. Someone to have dinner with, talk to in the evenings, travel with, etc. That could be either a woman or a gay man. Or like I said before, maybe a lesbian who is on the same page as you who also doesn’t want to be alone (but you don’t have to marry and put yourself at that potential legal and financial risk).
 
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I believe the bottom line here is that there is nothing inherently wrong with what C1S proposes. He is not looking to hide any of this from the future wife. His committment to her will be real. As we know Love can still be freely given and received in this relationship. Just because “SEX” is not a main aspect of this marriage does not mean a loving caring mutally exclusive relationship cannot be had. Being open to children and the marital act is certainly necessary, lets face it the “act” itself may very well be the hardest part of the relationship for C1S but certainly not insurmountable. espeacially if his the married couple understand and except each others limitations.

I believe this relationship could certainly benefit both parties and can grow to be a beautiful loving family if done correctly and with Christ at its center.

Catholic1seeks I personally applaud your strength and fortitude with regards to the cross you carry and I will pray that you find what you seek.

P…S. I also suggest talking to your priest and getting a sprirtual adviser if you do not already have one.

Peace!
 
“DonnaNoble said:
catholic1seeks said:
I’m sorry about your situation! This sounds terrible!

Of course, this wouldn’t be my intention.

My idea of marrying woman is not about hiding my sexuality or trying to make myself something I’m not
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Okay, I understand.

First, I think you are going to have a hard time finding a woman who wants to marry fully knowing you are gay. Maybe a lesbian would (like they used to do back in the day when gay men and women had to hide things). But what if she gets tired of it and decides she wants to leave and legally marry a woman?

I would still question “why marriage?” though. C1S has explained why marriage and it is a reasonable answer I would say.

If it’s for the sacrament, it won’t really be a sacramental marriage since it’s not valid from the start (it’s a marriage for alternative reasons so to speak). How, for example, can you say you are open to children if you aren’t going to have sex at all? First you need to read this thread because he is not saying they won’t have sex. He wants children…so! Also what makes a marriage sacramental is when a baptised male and female marry.

If it’s for secular reasons, there are some good, strong legal and financial reasons to marry. However, not having a true sacremental marriage puts you more at risk for divorce (which can have some profound legally and financially devastating consequences). It might not be worth the risk. I believe this would be sacramental if his FW was baptized. I think in this case the risk would be worth it

If it’s for what this seems to be about, fear of ending up alone, I would say the room mate option is a good alternative. Look at me, I am a divorced woman in her late 40s. I am afraid of being alone later in like too (and I don’t think I will marry again). I honestly would love a room mate of some sort later on. Someone to have dinner with, talk to in the evenings, travel with, etc. That could be either a woman or a gay man. Or like I said before, maybe a lesbian who is on the same page as you who also doesn’t want to be alone (but you don’t have to marry and put yourself at that potential legal and financial risk).
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Except he has explained he wants a family and that is a very admirable thing.
 
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Brother in Christ, I’m in the same situation as you except I haven’t yet graduated! 🙂 Here in Europe, it’s the same thing: “if you’re not in a sexual relationship with someone, you’re wasting your life,” but this is simply not true for, if it were, Christ, who lived and died single, wasted His life. I’ve only recently come to the conclusion I’m probably never going to change, and this has been very hard for me to accept, but I would consider it extremely selfish of me to marry someone I could never truly love, at least not in the way she deserves to be loved. I will pray for you! 🙂
 
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I think we should make a thread about how this thread got so long so fast. Wow people. This thread is a book. 🤔
 
Briwerr said:
However, Golightlyholly is correct that living a homosexual lifestyle would make all of these more likely.
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If there is such a thing as a “homosexual lifestyle,” then there must also be a “heterosexual lifestyle”. Besides the fact that people in the “heterosexual lifestyle” have sex with persons of the opposite sex, what else defines the “heterosexual lifestyle”?
 
Wouldn’t it be up to homosexuals to define what makes them believe they’re homosexual? To me, it seems to hinge on their choice of a sexual partner. But some say, their whole being is also differently oriented. But I would like to see more evidence for that. Especially since gays themselves would say, we’re just like everybody else; we have the same interests, goals, values, desires. We just want to share our lives with somebody of the same gender.

I think most identifying features of a gay person could be found in a straight guy. For example, there are straight guys who are sensitive. Straight guys are sometimes interested in things like art, sewing, or things like discussing emotions.

I don’t understand the fixation on gender and sex that seems to happen with gay people. But I’m open to hearing about it.
 
CD45 said:
Well, awhile back you said marriage was just one of your options. How about a different option—change to a liberal Protestant Church where you and your husband will be accepted. Why keep banging your head against the wall? Sometimes the best decision is the most obvious one. A lot of divorced and remarried Catholics have gone elsewhere for acceptance.
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Yet why would one endanger ones soul?
 
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You’ve asked me in private messages, and you seem to adapt your understanding based on my answers to you. So thank you for being open-minded.

However, I’m disappointed you say gay people are fixated on the sex. I thought I answered you in private message that being gay is much more than who I want to sleep with.
 
Exactly. Advice like that makes me wonder what type of love they have for God and His Church.
 
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