I'm a Jealous MIL-Please Help

  • Thread starter Thread starter Groobles
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
G

Groobles

Guest
My adult son is a very happy newlywed. He married a wonderful girl in September and they are great together. I honestly am very happy that God brought her into my son’s life and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

But, of course, there’s always a but. Mine is that I feel very jealous towards my son’s wife. I don’t want to be an evil, overbearing mother-in-law cliche, but that’s how I feel on the inside. I resent it that he always has to talk to her before making plans, even though I know that’s normal and healthy and what he should be doing. I am a little hurt every time he raves about something she cooks, but at the same time, I recognize that she actually does have a lot of talent in the kitchen and I like that she spoils my son with it. But it still stings to be reminded that he likes her cooking more than mine, even though I’m not a very good cook. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I’m dealing with a lot of these feelings. I think it’s that I realize that for the first time, someone knows my son better than I do, and I feel replaced.

I don’t know what advice I’m hoping for, because I know that I have to put those feelings aside for the good of my family. But I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced this when a child got married. I don’t want to be a bad MIL, and my son’s wife and I are already pretty close. I’m afraid my bitterness and resentment will be noticed though, and I don’t want that. I also want to be able to handle this better when my other children get married, so any advice for how to control these feelings is appreciated.
 
Hello and Welcome to CAF,

I have a couple of questions before I give my $0.2. Were you a single or divorced parent for all or most of raising your children? Is your son your oldest or only son?
 
As a man, I can’t speak to your feelings as woman and as a mother. But I can say there are few more unpleasant places for a man to be than to be caught in conflict between his wife and his mother. Or her mother, for that matter. It isn’t just mothers who can cause conflict, wives can do this too.

You raised your son to leave the house and be his own man someday. He did it, did he not? That’s to your credit. Enjoy the grandkids when they arrive.
 
Miss_Felicity said:
Hello and Welcome to CAF,

I have a couple of questions before I give my $0.2. Were you a single or divorced parent for all or most of raising your children? Is your son your oldest or only son?
Click to expand...
No, I was, and still am married to a wonderful man. Yes, he is the father of my children and we were married before we started having kids.

I have 5 children, 3 sons and 2 daughters. My kids range in age from 17-28.
 
Groobles said:

“No, I was, and still am married to a wonderful man.”

You’re an empty nester or about to be one–how about working on your relationship with your husband? Think about fun things that you can do together now–you know, the stuff that you couldn’t do because you were raising a family.
 
Thanks for answering. I asked because I know a few single moms who went through something similar with their sons. It was hard to transition from them being “the default man of the house” to them setting up a home with their wife. I have to agree with Xantippe on this, it seems you are an empty nester. This is the time to start straightening the relationship with your husband (not to say that relationship is weak) but as kids grow up and leave and as they have their own families it can be difficult to shift back into a relationship with a spouse similar to before there was a full house of children who needed constant consideration and raising.
 
I’m not really sure why you guys are commenting on a marriage that I have said nothing about. My marriage is actually very strong and we spend a lot of time together engaging in our hobbies. We have done this even more in the last few years now that our youngest is always busy with his own obligations.

But that really has nothing to do with this situation. I’m not putting the feelings I should have for my husband on my sons. Of my four grown children, 4 live out of state. I never had a problem with that, or with my kids dating, or anything else.

I think the jealousy comes from knowing that when I want to see and interact with him, it isn’t just him anymore, his wife matters too, as of course she should. Another woman now gets to do everything that I’ve always done for him, and he appreciates it more from her than he did from me. I’m his mother, but now she knows him inside and out. When he gets sick, she’s the one who gets to take care of him.

It’s just those kinds of things.
 
I understand what you are saying about the jealousy. It is a normal human reaction and you are handling it amazingly well. Have you talked to your husband about your feelings? He may have some insight into it. There was a time when he himself was a young groom with a new wife. You might be surprised if look at this situation from a male perspective.

I also would ask you to pray for your daughter in law and your son. Pray for their marriage to turn out as strong as yours. Pray that one day they will be bringing 5 grandchildren to visit you. And I can almost guarantee that any grandchildren they do bring over will love your cooking more and ask to spend time alone at your house. It really is a beautiful cycle and this is just a short, temporary season to drudge through.
 
I hope I’m quoting this correctly. The message board system here is actually very intuitive.

Yes, I have talked to my husband. He thinks my jealousy a sweet, endearing trait, and I’m not sure he understands how distressing it is to me. He just hugs me and tells me that I just love too much and yada yada.

The good news is that both my husband and I really love our son’s wife.
 
Groobles said:
My adult son is a very happy newlywed. He married a wonderful girl in September and they are great together. I honestly am very happy that God brought her into my son’s life and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

But, of course, there’s always a but. Mine is that I feel very jealous towards my son’s wife. I don’t want to be an evil, overbearing mother-in-law cliche, but that’s how I feel on the inside. I resent it that he always has to talk to her before making plans, even though I know that’s normal and healthy and what he should be doing. I am a little hurt every time he raves about something she cooks, but at the same time, I recognize that she actually does have a lot of talent in the kitchen and I like that she spoils my son with it. But it still stings to be reminded that he likes her cooking more than mine, even though I’m not a very good cook. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I’m dealing with a lot of these feelings. I think it’s that I realize that for the first time, someone knows my son better than I do, and I feel replaced.

I don’t know what advice I’m hoping for, because I know that I have to put those feelings aside for the good of my family. But I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced this when a child got married. I don’t want to be a bad MIL, and my son’s wife and I are already pretty close. I’m afraid my bitterness and resentment will be noticed though, and I don’t want that. I also want to be able to handle this better when my other children get married, so any advice for how to control these feelings is appreciated.
Click to expand...
It seems you already understand these feelings are wrong. Perhaps it would help to think about how you’d feel from a different perspective.

If your husband did not check with you before making plans with his mom, how would you feel?

If your husband told you he prefers his moms cooking, how would you feel?

If your husband told you he did not want you to know him better than his mom knows him, how would you feel.

Remember that your son is now this girls husband, he has. “Left his father and mother and cleaved to his wife” . Your work is done, now be a support to the new family that has formed.

I am sure the transition from parent to empty nester/grandparent is difficult, but embracing the new role they NEED YOU in will be beneficial to all.

Have a very joy filled Thanksgiving!
 
Dacinom said:
You have managed to keep these feelings to yourself, that is a wonderful thing. We cannot control our feelings. I have to say that there have been many times in my own life where my feelings were just, well, off the charts! I felt jealous and slighted and downright silly sometimes. This is part of being human. You have spent your life raising your son, you have been dedicated to him and now he is married. You are of course happy for him but it is a transition that is for sure.
Click to expand...
Yes, this. It’s normal to feel the way you’re feeling, so let yourself off the hook for being a little sad or jealous. As long as you continue to keep your feelings to yourself and not let it affect your relationships with your son and daughter in law, I’d bet that over time it will get easier. “Mom, thanks for the invitation, I’ll check with Jane and get back to you” won’t sting so much and will become a normal part of your new relationship with him.

And- you should commend yourself on raising a man who is not a mama’s boy! I bet your daughter in law is grateful that her husband knows what his role is- it takes some couples much longer than a few months to get used to the whole “I need to check with my spouse first” thing.

Oh, and I don’t think anyone was really commenting about the state of your marriage, but rather suggesting that when you feel jealous or resentful, you refocus your energy to your husband.
 
Don’t look at it as losing a son, look at it as gaining a daughter. Over the two decades since I met my once-future MIL (when I was 13), we have developed an awesome relationship. We have had our ups and downs just like every other relationship, but she and I both consider our relationship to be a tremendous blessing. I also can cook better than she, and I know her son better than she does. I know that distresses her sometimes, so I try to be sensitive. But we seek each other out. What made the difference for me is that from the start, she made it clear that she felt her family was growing in wonderful ways by her son bringing me into it. She said she loved me and treated me accordingly from the first months of my relationship with her son. So in-laws can be wonderful friends!

My advice is, invite her for ladies night out. If you also have daughters, invite your daughters and daughter-in-law out together. Call her to plan holiday get togethers. At family gatherings, spend time getting to know her, just as you would when beginning a friendship with an age peer, but with the added aspect of you already committing in your heart to love this woman. Barring extreme cases, men who have close relationships with their mothers will seek out in potential wives women who remind them positively of their mothers. Figure out what those aspects are and build from there. Read the story of Naomi and Ruth. Pray that God will grant you the grace to develop that sort of bond with your DIL.
Good luck!👍
 
Groobles said:
I’m not really sure why you guys are commenting on a marriage that I have said nothing about. My marriage is actually very strong and we spend a lot of time together engaging in our hobbies. We have done this even more in the last few years now that our youngest is always busy with his own obligations.

But that really has nothing to do with this situation. I’m not putting the feelings I should have for my husband on my sons. Of my four grown children, 4 live out of state. I never had a problem with that, or with my kids dating, or anything else.

I think the jealousy comes from knowing that when I want to see and interact with him, it isn’t just him anymore, his wife matters too, as of course she should. Another woman now gets to do everything that I’ve always done for him, and he appreciates it more from her than he did from me. I’m his mother, but now she knows him inside and out. When he gets sick, she’s the one who gets to take care of him.

It’s just those kinds of things.
Click to expand...
:hug3: I don’t think anyone is critiquing your marriage in any way, but rather, making a suggestion of where to divert your attentions to. My mom confessed a very similar story to yours after my oldest brother was married. To work around it, she refocused her attention to my dad. They always had (and still have!) an amazing marriage, but she took that energy of feeling replaced–that’s what it boiled down to–and busied herself with learning something new with my dad. In her case, it was golf. Dad always loved it, she never played, now they do it together and have a grand old time! And while the two things seemed totally unrelated (jealousy of her new daughter-in-law really had nothing to do with her marriage) she found that the jealousy subsided on its own naturally, and playing golf with my dad proved to be both a distraction AND a marriage builder even though they were fine to start out. Did that make any sense?

Anyhow, as the daughter-in-law to the stereotypical hovering MIL who is never satisfied with what I say or do, I can read your post and deeply appreciate your recognition of the problem. You sound like an amazing woman, a wonderful mother, and someone that I would be proud to have as a MIL. Just give yourself time to adjust to the changes. You will adjust. You’re going to do great at this. 👍
 
My MIL and I get along great. She is without question one of the best women that I have ever met. She has really been an asset in helping us get our family started off on the right foot.

But, I occasionally see glimpses of the feelings that you describe. Once in awhile when she’s talking to my husband he has to remind her that there are some topics (our finances/travel plans/major life choices for example) that he can’t discuss with her until he talks about it with me. She never likes hearing it, but she always accepts it.

I know that she was hurt when she found out that I’ve made it a tradition to bake him whatever kind of cake he can dream up for his birthday. Actually, when she found out she made and excuse to leave the room. A few days later she offered him a sincere apology for always buying his birthday cakes at the grocery store. It would have been funny if we weren’t both so concerned and worried for her. I think that was the day that we made it a point to try to be a lot more sensitive.

This might sound a little unorthodox, but the second I realized that my strong, smart, kind, and caring MIL was having mixed feelings and jealousy, I made a conscious effort to reach out to her even more and tone down some of the “wifey” stuff. (Actually, we were still just engaged at this point, but you get the idea.) Maybe if next time you are alone with your son’s wife you casually but sweetly mention that you’re thrilled they’re married, that you love them both, but that it does make you a little sad to be replaced as the number one woman in his life. If she’s as wonderful as you say, she will understand and probably try to want to make you feel more included in their lives. But go to her, not to him. If you say this to him it will come off as undermining and guilt-trippy, and that’s not how you want this perceived.
 
In my experience, you don’t get rid of bad feelings. You replace bad feelings with good ones, and you get good ones by reflecting on whatever positive thing you can think of when you start feeling the difficult feelings. It doesn’t make them go away, but do not punish yourself for that. Bittersweet feelings are part of a parent’s life; there is no good to had in going into combat with them. You kind of have to step back, look at them, and let them float by, turning your attention to something better to focus on.

For instance, you can look at what he does as reflection on you. For instance, he raves about his wife’s cooking because you taught him to express gratitude and appreciation. There are many wonderful cooks out there who never get a word of thanks. He checks with his wife first because you taught him to be considerate. Instead of feeling replaced, you ought to feel proud of yourself! What a wonderful husband you have raised!

If it is very difficult for you, it is also OK to admit privately to your son that it is hard to hear his wife praised quite so much about things at which you have not excelled. Tell him to be extremely careful to never praise another woman to his wife, not even you, except to tell her that no one surpasses her. His wife is the only woman he ought to praise to another woman, so tell him it is not your intention to get on him about that too much, because it is kind of charming, but just be aware that there is a limit to how much he ought to do even that. Better that he brag about his wife to other men, if he is just breaking open to brag about her. If he does that to the women at work, for instance, they might grow to dislike his wife before they’ve even met her!

That is one area where he could add to his level of consideration, and I would add it to a notice of what a considerate husband he is overall–not a bad guy, but a great guy who could be even better. If you tell him this with the concern that he might sometimes make the same mistake with his wife, praising you to her–oooo, wives do not like constantly hearing how their MIL does things so well!–it will not sound as if you are being petty or overly sensitive. No, this is something to give him a heads-up about. You are just letting him know that this is a way he could improve on the sensitivity scale.
 
please dont feel that way towards your new daughter in law she is innocent she hasnt done anything to take your place she can never replace you your his mother youll always be 1 in his heart forever
Now I ask you to think of this do you think this girl deserves your resentment? your jealousy? Im just letting you know that people can pick up on our emotions wether we think they can or not and you wouldnt want her feeling afraid of your disapproval would you?

How was your relationship to your MIL?

Lord knows and people who know me on here personally that I cant give advice about mother in law relationships

I just want ot let you know that my mother in law started off with your feelings and she let them grow to the point that she torments me whenever she can I live in fear of her she belittles me for everything and throws my shortcomings in my face and blames me for everything wrong in her life to the point that she cant see that shes causing her son damage please check these feelings now go talk to your priest or a counseler

It is a very positive point that you are here asking for advice and admitting to your feelings
 
Your post recalled to me when my oldest was 5 days old. She had been looking at me a lot, but at 5 days, she was ready for something else and was fascinated by the mobile over her crib.

And there are many days like that–when they say, XX suggested i do this (oh, he asked someone else for advice!) or preferring the fashion style of someone else.

You are getting socked with a bunch of these moments all at once. I wonder if you might not be mourning? For me there was always an element of jealousy, but it seemed to be in the context of mourning.

Your chld being married is a huge change. It’s great, but still a huge change. It is really natural to mourn when changes come.

I think that as time goes on and you adjust, you will stop feeling that awful pang in your heart. Your heart will change to accomodate the change, just as it has so many times before. Offer up the pain and say a little prayer for your son’s marriage, and thank God for your wonderful DIL 🙂
 
Bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness are things that need to be taken to confession as often as needed. There is grace available to us when we take our issues to God. I’m so glad you can see it in yourself and can work at this, as we all have our issues that need working on.
 
Thank you for your post. I needed to read your post. My MIL has been making my marriage difficult lately. I have tried to be a good daughter-in-law, and I didn’t understand what the problem was I think you helped me to understand her perspective a bit better. It never occurred to me that she may be having trouble letting go of certain aspects of her relationship with her son, or that she might even be a bit jealous. It must be hard to see your son love another woman. Your son will always love you. And the best way you can love him as his mother is to allow him to love his wife in the way that God has called him to love her (by giving up his life). If you allow him to do this without interference or feelings of guilt, even supporting him in this task, he will cherish you for it. And if your DIL is as wonderful as she sounds, she will cherish you, too.
 
Stillsosola said:
please dont feel that way towards your new daughter in law she is innocent she hasnt done anything to take your place she can never replace you your his mother youll always be 1 in his heart forever
Click to expand...
That’s not true, nor should it be, and I think that’s what the OP is struggling with. She is not number one in his heart, and she shouldn’t be. Just as her MIL is not number one in her husband’s heart, she will not be number one in her son’s.

But the OP knows that already, and it seems to be what is upsetting her. OP, while you are no longer the number one woman in his life, you are his mom, and you always will be. The day will never come where he sets out to take on a new mom to raise him all over again and to provide the family that he’s starting with all the love and support that only you can give him and his wife. A mom’s job isn’t to be number one, it’s to raise kind, caring, competent children who can go out, find their own way in life, get married, and have children of their own. It looks like you succeeded.

Of course, just because this was supposed to happen doesn’t mean that it feels good. So give yourself time to mourn. But when you’re done, treat yourself to a beer, go on an adventure with your husband, and the next time you see your son and new DIL, be sure to tell them everything.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top