I'm a Single Mom & Pregnant Again!

[marymary1975]

MaryMary1975 said:

"But your ex is in social security…do you know that if a parent is in social security the child has the right to receive social security benefits too…specially if you divorced, so while you can’t get child support specifically you can petition for social security benefits and that is

Is your oldest eligible for disability, or is it reasonable to expect him to hold down a normal job?

That is another good.point Xantippe, her oldest may be able to get SSDI for himself too. I am a little doubtful about directly speaking to SS as many times customer service wants to turn everybody away and say no to everything but certainly speak to a social security lawyer. I can assure the OP that if the father gets social.security the children do have a right to benefits what happens is thAt she has to petition for it and if she hasn’t done it.SS is not coming to her to give it to her. Don’t be stuck in the " ,it can’t be done or it won’t happen" that is awful mentality. To get out of the problem you need to be willing to get out of the problem. Start looking for solutions. The only thing in life that has no solutions is death as long as you are alive there is a solution to everything.

 

[marymary1975]

Have you contacted Social Security? From what I understand the court cannot take child support from Social Security checks, but they can add dependent pay to your ex’s case and then send the pay to you. My ex also never paid a dime in support and when he tried to collect SSD I called the Social Security Administration and found out that they would send me about $125 a month per child as dependent pay if my ex were to get SSD. He didn’t, but it was good information to have.

Exactly, the child in this cases has a right to a dependant benefit. If the mother in this case doesn’t request the dependency benefit that goes to the father. She needs to go and request the dependency benefit. I don’t know if the paper work for dependency was done in her case or how her divorce was handled (she may have waived the dependency.without knowing? many things could have happened here) therefore I can’t tell her exactly what to do, but certainly if she speaks to a social security lawyer she can get the right steps so she can start receiving the dependency

 

[MJJean]

Exactly, the child in this cases has a right to a dependant benefit. If the mother in this case doesn’t request the dependency benefit that goes to the father. She needs to go and request the dependency benefit. I don’t know if the paper work for dependency was done in her case or how her divorce was handled (she may have waived the dependency.without knowing? many things could have happened here) therefore I can’t tell her exactly what to do, but certainly if she speaks to a social security lawyer she can get the right steps so she can start receiving the dependency

Yup. And you’re right on in your previous post suggesting contacting a SS lawyer. I got a nice customer service rep, but the OP might get one of those “the answer is always NO!” types. Best to seek legal counsel. Preferably more than one opinion. Consultations are usually free. And be sure to ask about possible back pay.

 

[marymary1975]

Yup. And you’re right on in your previous post suggesting contacting a SS lawyer. I got a nice customer service rep, but the OP might get one of those “the answer is always NO!” types. Best to seek legal counsel. Preferably more than one opinion. Consultations are usually free. And be sure to ask about possible back pay.

Very good point too, look for free consultations! If the paper work for dependant benefits was never filed with SS (again I don’t know if this happened at some point but in the case that it didn’t) then SS pays retro actively which mean you may get paid a lump sum for all the years your kids should have been receiving benefits but didn’t.

 

[deigratia1234]

Thanks everyone for responding. Yes, my children receive Social Security benefits stemming from their father’s disability. They get $212/month per child. My oldest also gets soc sec from her disability. I’m very grateful that we are getting this, but it is not enough to live on. I still struggle to make ends meet. My daughter is in a special program, as well as therapy, and this will hopefully allow her to become independent some day. When I’m not working, a lot of my time is spent driving her back and forth. So with all that being said, yes, my ex-fiance needs to step up and help. There’s more to the story that I haven’t said, I guess because I’m worried I’ll be identified. This is all so embarrassing. The reason my ex-fiance has trouble holding down a job is because he is a former felon. Back in the eighties, before his conversion, he dealt drugs and ended up serving over 15 years in prison. He has a powerful conversion story, but you can’t come out of something like that unscathed. Employers don’t want to hire him because of his record, and he frankly has trouble working for people. When you have someone telling you what to do for that many years, I guess it’s hard to adjust when you’re finally free.

So, yeah, I know, I’m an idiot for getting myself in this situation. Red flags were everywhere, and I had no business allowing something like this to happen.

Marymary1975, I do blame myself for this, and I do recognize that something is wrong with me for me to keep making mistakes like this. I’ve been in therapy off-and-on, and I have to say the best therapy I have received is from the sacraments, but I will look into getting back into therapy again, I just want to find someone who has a Catholic worldview and that’s hard to find!

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to respond to me, and especially for your prayers.

 

[MJJean]

Deigratia, I hate to sound snarky because my family has more than it’s share of felons if you count the cousins and my BIL, so please don’t take it that way. But bottom line is that he’s making excuses if he’s trying to blame inability to hold a job on his record and having been in prison. Like I said, I’ve got enough n’er do wells with prison records in the family to know this. Most of them are honest guys who did their time and now have families they take care of just fine. They work construction and factory jobs. They may not all like having a boss, but they suck it up and do what they must to support their kids. A couple who worked asphalt for a few years started a side business by buying a used truck and a used plow and doing snow removal as a side job to supplement income during the winter and then spun that into a small business doing asphalt and seal coating in the warm weather and plowing in the winter. Anyone saying they can’t get work especially with so many programs out there to help ex-felons, is simply not trying hard enough.

Have the baby alone if need be. Start a support case as soon as you can in your state. Make sure your baby’s father understands that nonpayment of support will land him back in jail and that he now has to grow up, suck it up, and work whatever he can find that will pay him.

 

[Xantippe]

deigratia,

That’s really rough. It’s not quite as embarrassing as it could be, though. My mom’s church friend (a divorced mother roughly your age of two or three big boys–I forget how many) got pregnant out of wedlock. The kicker in her case was that the guy (who was my sister’s Sunday School teacher) had managed to get two women pregnant at the same time, and he married the other woman. So embarrassing. My mom saw her friend through all that.

Switch parishes if it makes you feel better. This is a situation where the relative anonymity of the average Catholic parish is your friend. You can start over elsewhere.

The stuff you mention about your ex-fiance’s prison record makes me think that ongoing counseling is going to be a really good idea for him, even just for his own good. Every time he feels like telling a boss to take this job and…you know what, he needs to go back to his counselor and talk it out. He is getting jobs, which is good.

I was just looking up this verse from 1 Timothy 5:

" If any one does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his own family, he has disowned the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

Your ex-fiance doesn’t have the right to quit jobs without another one lined up anymore, because it is his responsibility as a Christian father to provide for his child.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, does your ex-fiance have any problems with impulsiveness? Given his past with drugs, I kind of hate to mention it, but he might benefit from being evaluated for ADHD or other psychological issues. On the one hand, the last thing you want is for him to get hooked on ADHD meds, but on the other hand, his current life isn’t that great, either.

 

[YADA]

In regards to my ex-husband, he does not have to pay child support because he has a life-long illness and only collects social security. He works under-the-table now and again, but only to support his smoking habit and the occasional new tattoo. Every now and again he does buy the kids a pair of shoes or something…

If your ex husband collects social security - there may be a benefit payable to your children - you should go to the social security office and inquire … if it is a disability payment - there may still be some benefit that you could receive for them … Though I am not positive about this - it seems people get more benefit based upon dependents -

socialsecurity.gov/pubs/EN-05-10153.pdf
socialsecurity.gov/women/
socialsecurity.gov/pressoffice/women-webfact.htm

While I agree with the poster that said adoption might be hard on your older children and I can understand how hard this option is … you really need to think about what is best in the long run for all your children - and all of your elder children are old enough to understand that concept … Thus - I believe you should seriously consider this option. There are many families that will welcome your little one - and in today’s world - you could even remain in contact with the adoptive family…

With the youngest in their early teens and the others older - all of your children are at the age when they will be confronted with opportunities to make life changing decisions - how you handle this will be observed by them in addition to their having to live with the consequences …

If your ex boy friend in unwilling and unable to accept the adult responsibility for his actions - that is a big red flag for the foundation of marriage … you should not marry merely because you are expecting a child and along with your current family responsibility and struggles is a a huge incentive to consider adoption …

It is not politic today - but adoption is a loving choice … the best choices are sometime very hard choices … but the easy choices we make are the reason we have to face the hard choices … remember - the life you are carrying and the children you already have - did not make the decision that brings you here - you and your boyfriend did …

 

[severus68]

If your ex husband collects social security - there may be a benefit payable to your children - you should go to the social security office and inquire … if it is a disability payment - there may still be some benefit that you could receive for them … Though I am not positive about this - it seems people get more benefit based upon dependents -

socialsecurity.gov/pubs/EN-05-10153.pdf
socialsecurity.gov/women/
socialsecurity.gov/pressoffice/women-webfact.htm

While I agree with the poster that said adoption might be hard on your older children and I can understand how hard this option is … you really need to think about what is best in the long run for all your children - and all of your elder children are old enough to understand that concept … Thus - I believe you should seriously consider this option. There are many families that will welcome your little one - and in today’s world - you could even remain in contact with the adoptive family…

With the youngest in their early teens and the others older - all of your children are at the age when they will be confronted with opportunities to make life changing decisions - how you handle this will be observed by them in addition to their having to live with the consequences …

If your ex boy friend in unwilling and unable to accept the adult responsibility for his actions - that is a big red flag for the foundation of marriage … you should not marry merely because you are expecting a child and along with your current family responsibility and struggles is a a huge incentive to consider adoption …

It is not politic today - but adoption is a loving choice … the best choices are sometime very hard choices … but the easy choices we make are the reason we have to face the hard choices … remember - the life you are carrying and the children you already have - did not make the decision that brings you here - you and your boyfriend did …

Please, it is not for any of us to push the OP into giving up her child for adoption. She needs support, not more pressure.

 

[severus68]

Hi. I was married for 11 years and have 3 children from that marriage. We have been divorced for 8 years and the marriage was annulled. I have been in a new relationship for the past 2 years. We have struggled in the relationship with chastity and had to frequent the confessional for this sin. We were engaged for a short time, until he realized he could not handle being put into a situation where children were already present. He has never been married and never had children. My youngest is 13 and my oldest is 18 with special needs. He was in the seminary for 4 years before I met him but was not pursuing the priesthood when we met. He was planning on moving out of state, and we were resolved in going our separate ways. A month before he was supposed to leave, my cousin passed away. My ex-fiance was with me throughout the funeral, etc. During that time, we had sex once, went to confession the next day, and vowed to follow God’s will for our lives. We both felt sad but relieved that he was moving out of state, since we were struggling with doing the right thing when we were together. A few weeks went by, and I found out I was pregnant from that one night! I am in my forties, single with children, and scared to death. I’m 7 weeks along now. I have let everyone down, especially my children including this poor soul who will be born into a broken home with a mom who has made a series of horrible choices. I feel like crawling in a hole and dying. My ex-fiance is no longer moving out of state and marriage was brought up, but I don’t know what I should do. He cannot hold down a job. He doesn’t know what it is like to care about anyone but himself, and I’m so afraid about our future. My ex-husband has never paid child support and never will. I struggle every day to take care of my kids, and I don’t think this baby’s father will be much different. I have been fortunate to be with a company that has been flexible with me and my schedule so that I could be there for my kids as much as possible under my circumstances. I worked from home for years but recently started training into a new position that involves working with patients. My boss does not know my situation yet. I’m so embarrassed. I’m a practicing Catholic, a convert, and truly want to do God’s will and follow Christ with my life, but have failed miserably! I cannot even go to my priest until my ex-fiance tells him because they are very close. He serves the Mass with him, etc. I’ve thought about adoption, but the thought of that kills me. I’m so confused.

Praying for you. Believe me, with God’s help, you will be able to get through this. Do not be pressured into giving up your child. Many have given you practical advice.
God give you the strength you need and bless you and your children.

 

[GenerationHV]

Please, it is not for any of us to push the OP into giving up her child for adoption. She needs support, not more pressure.

Exactly. Where are the words of encouragement for marriage? Set a date, get in prep. Marry civilly before baby comes if your parish has a strict 6 month waiting period.

 

[Xantippe]

GenerationHV said:

“Where are the words of encouragement for marriage? Set a date, get in prep. Marry civilly before baby comes if your parish has a strict 6 month waiting period.”

One of the first questions that comes up in Catholic marriage prep is, is there a pregnancy? In a lot of places, you cannot marry while pregnant–the Church wants to be sure that it isn’t a shotgun wedding and that the parties are freely consenting to marry. Without that, you have annulment material.

The OP has already been engaged to this man. The engagement ended when they realized that he was not prepared to live with her children. He is a felon. He is sporadically employed, doesn’t like taking orders from employers, and has trouble holding down a job. Why is it a good idea for the OP to move this man into her home with her children?

I’m as big a fan of marriage as the next person, but the OP’s ex-fiance needs to demonstrate 1) that he is able to be around the OP’s older children 2) that he can hold down a job and 3) that he can contribute to the family’s material welfare. At the moment, marrying and moving him into the OP’s home would be a disaster. If there is going to be a marriage, he needs to earn it in some other way than just by managing to get the OP pregnant.

 

[YADA]

Please, it is not for any of us to push the OP into giving up her child for adoption. She needs support, not more pressure.

It is not for any of us to PUSH the OP to do anything - she came here looking for suggestions … I made an observation … *and for the record - I am not pushing her to give up her child *- she said she was considering that option but was struggling with it …

Like it or not - Adoption is a valid option for the position this woman finds herself in … a loving option for her, her children and this new yet to be born child.

She can get married [though - from what she has said about her partner - I would think that should be the last option considered] - and it could end in disaster - suffice it to say - with what is known - not one I would recommend to anyone I truly cared for.

Yes, she can try to keep this child - and if she can see a way to do this - wonderful

However, from what she says - she has little if any support from other family. This this is something she should consider very carefully - she has one disabled child who needs her care and other children all in their teen years - hard enough for two parent families -

Support is a funny thing isn’t it? … it can be realistic and it can be mere platitudes …

Telling someone that can do something - like keep this child not matter what - is easier then telling them an alternative - harder option - tallow the child to be adopted… but it is true - it is a loving option to place this child with another family. And it is possible for her to maintain contact with the adoptive family …

The easy solution to envision is not always the easiest to live out … the harder solution could very well be the best long term for all involved …

 

[YADA]

GenerationHV said:

“Where are the words of encouragement for marriage? Set a date, get in prep. Marry civilly before baby comes if your parish has a strict 6 month waiting period.”

One of the first questions that comes up in Catholic marriage prep is, is there a pregnancy? In a lot of places, you cannot marry while pregnant–the Church wants to be sure that it isn’t a shotgun wedding and that the parties are freely consenting to marry. Without that, you have annulment material.

The OP has already been engaged to this man. The engagement ended when they realized that he was not prepared to live with her children. He is a felon. He is sporadically employed, doesn’t like taking orders from employers, and has trouble holding down a job. Why is it a good idea for the OP to move this man into her home with her children?

I’m as big a fan of marriage as the next person, but the OP’s ex-fiance needs to demonstrate 1) that he is able to be around the OP’s older children 2) that he can hold down a job and 3) that he can contribute to the family’s material welfare. At the moment, marrying and moving him into the OP’s home would be a disaster. If there is going to be a marriage, he needs to earn it in some other way than just by managing to get the OP pregnant.

My thoughts exactly … if this woman were your daughter - knowing what you do - would you want her to ‘get’ married? … I would not … not unless there were major changes …

Though if she were my daughter - I would be ready to assist … sadly - she does not seem to have that family support

 

[LittleRose]

Marry civilly before baby comes if your parish has a strict 6 month waiting period.

Don’t do that. A civil marriage would not be valid in the eyes of the Church.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

The reason my ex-fiance has trouble holding down a job is because he is a former felon. Back in the eighties, before his conversion, he dealt drugs and ended up serving over 15 years in prison.

No excuse at all. Many ex-cons hold steady jobs.

He has a powerful conversion story, but you can’t come out of something like that unscathed. Employers don’t want to hire him because of his record, and he frankly has trouble working for people. When you have someone telling you what to do for that many years, I guess it’s hard to adjust when you’re finally free.

Please stop with the enabling. Don’t make excuses for the misbehavior of others.

 

[SamH]

No excuse at all. Many ex-cons hold steady jobs.

Please stop with the enabling. Don’t make excuses for the misbehavior of others.

Lord knows I have enough of them working for me right now. A conviction almost 30 years ago wouldn’t even rate on our scale - is he applying for jobs at daycares and banks?

 

[Captain_America]

OP: take it one issue at a time.

 

[SeaMark]

My ex-fiance was with me throughout the funeral, etc. During that time, we had sex once, A few weeks went by, and I found out I was pregnant from that one night! I am in my forties, single with children, and scared to death. .

Tell your ex-fiance to take responsibility of your new child.