I'm ashamed of my mother

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Ok, so i found out a few days ago that my younger sister is having sex. I know that is a sin, but my sister knows absolutley nothing about any form of religion, she just doesn’t, so me telling her isn’t going to stop it.

anyway…my mother suspects it and like the “good” christian she is (or claims to be) she told my sister “if you get pregnant, i’m forcing you to have an abortion. I don’t care if i have to tie you to the doctor’s chair. I couldn’t bare the shame of having a tramp for a daughter. You’re turning into your sister (me). At least she got rid of hers.”

I’ve never had an abortion and have never condoned abortion, never been pregnant. I don’t know what she’s talking about.

But the part that most disturbs me is what my mom said she would do. It disgusts me. How do I respect someone who has no respect for human life? I can barely speak 2 words to her now. (we don’t speak that much anyway). I am almost ashamed to be her daughter. How does this tie in to the commandment, ‘honour thy mother and thy father’? How do i honour her???
Any suggestion?
DForgive her. Don’t tell her you are doing it, just forgive her. To prove it to yourself, say a rosary for her.

Oh, and study to be a nurse.
You might prayerfully, I know its difficult, drop a few lines about how abortion is murder, its barbaric nature, etc… I find that emailing my parents interesting articles works. No comments, just share an online article from EWTN, Catholic Answershttp://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon12.gif, or Catholic Exchange and let it be. If it brings up a discussion, all the better; but be prepared to defend the Truth! And, as has already been posted, pray…never discount the power of the Holy Spirit. Look at how He has changed your life!

Study to be a nurse??? Sorry, i don’t understand??

I must presume that you are on a different spiritual path than your mother, and that you have had some conversion experience that has separated you from your upbringing.

That being said, if your relationship with your mother is strained, as you allude to, then waving “religion” in her face would only fan the flames, and would not shine reason upon her position.

I do not know if you are Catholic, so my suggestion may seem odd, but what your mother really needs is for you to commit to some form of mortification for her. You need to offer forgiveness for her hardness of heart, and the subsequent ignorance of the harshness of her words. That forgiveness must be offered to God in prayer, like a rosary (or my favorite, the Divine Mercy Chaplet), but you should also consider a physical mortification. Bread and water fasting, or simply denying yourself a simple pleasure for a time…say 9 days like a novena, with the specific intent of offering your suffering, little as it may be, for a softening of your mother’s heart, and that the Holy Spirit might open her mind and heart to your sister.

You should do the same for your sister, but make that effort different and specific to her. She, as much as your mother, needs the prayer to protect her from the great harms that could come her way as she becomes sexually active in this troublesome world.

I feel for the tough spot you’re in.

I would suggest you talk to your sister about this calmly, even though you feel she’ll blow it off. In the first place she’ll deny it but she knows, in there somewhere, that she’s doing wrong. Hearing it might start something going, even though admittedly it may take a while. But the Holy Spirt only needs a crack.

Secondly, you’re her big sister with morals – you don’t want her to think for a minute that you think this is okay, or natural, or just what teens do. You may find (again maybe only after a while) that your opinion matters more to her than either of you realize.

And ah, your Mom. She’s clearly misguided if she thinks it’s having a child thats the wrong thing here. Honoring parents to me means acknowledging the debts you owe and the responsibility for and to the family, but doesn’t include ignoring parents’ weaknesses or bad judgement. To my mind you can only provide the support (guidance perhaps) that she will accept. And perhaps she has a priest or pastor?

Hope this can help – I know you are hurt and angry at your Mom.
You’re turning into your sister (me). At least she got rid of hers. … Any suggestion?
Lots of prayer!

And after that I would ask your mom, when she is in a good mood, or a talkative mood, what she meant by the comment - “At least she got rid of hers”. It sounds like it’s possible that your mom thinks you did, even though you didn’t. Think back to the past, in prayer, to see if you can find anything that might give even the impression of this.

I’m no psycologist or anything, but I know that sometimes people misconstrue our actions or words. And they can hold what they thought we said or did against us without ever saying a word.

When you ask her about it, listen to her, then tell her the truth plainly. Maybe something like “I don’t know what gave you that impression, but I have never been pregnant nor had an abortion.”

Don’t listen to me, ask God to direct you.

You will be in my prayers!
Were you actually present when this conversation took place? If so, you might ask your mother what makes her think you had an abortion.

If not, do not assume for a fact that your mother was quoted precisely. Sometimes teenager’s accounts of what their parents said are not quite accurate – if your information about what your mother said came through your sister, don’t be quick to take it at face value. First, find out from your mother what she actually said, and let the discussion go from there.

As for how you honor her, there are a few ways. Be as charitable as you can be in your judgment of her. You made a sarcastic reference to “the good Christian that she is” – does she claim to be a devout Christian? If so, talk to her in those terms about abortion and the morality of it. If not, it’s at least understandable how such a worldly solution would seem adequate to her. In any event pray for her.

Also, honor your mother by being charitable when speaking about her to others. Posting a question anonymously is fine, but don’t relay the story to everyone you know. As an adult, I try to pass on everything good that my parents gave me while leaving whatever mistakes they made behind. With kids of my own, I’ve made my own mistakes and still do. Being a parent is much harder than you think!

And, assuming you are still living at home, honor her by being obediant to her (assuming that never requires you to do evil). Even if you don’t share her worldview, remember that she still is your mother and still is responsible for establishing the rules of the home.

You haven’t mentioned where you father fits into all of this. Is he in the picture?
In order to “honor your mother” look to Scripture and act like they did:

Genesis 9: 20-26
20 Noah was the first tiller of the soil. He planted a vineyard; 21 and he drank of the wine, and became drunk, and lay uncovered in his tent. 22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside. 23 Then Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it upon both their shoulders, and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father; their faces were turned away, and they did not see their father’s nakedness. 24 When Noah awoke from his wine and knew what his youngest son had done to him, 25 he said, “Cursed be Canaan; a slave of slaves shall he be to his brothers.” 26 He also said, “Blessed by the LORD my God be Shem; and let Canaan be his slave.”

Also, you need to seek out a Catholic adult that you can trust to be your mentor and help you through this. Keep praying!

I’ll say a prayer for you, your mother, and your sister. Forgiveness is most important. Love your mother and show her how much you care. Always be honest and speak up about the truth in these matters, but do so in charity. Finally, become a prayer warrior on their behalf.
I am new at this forum, but know that prayer and listening to the Spirit will get you through this. The Commandments say to honor your parents. Yes, that is true. We are also called to love them. And sometimes that love is hard, especially when they don’t understand what you do. What you can do is ask the Lord to give you an opening for both your sister and mother. I do know that he will do it. When He does, he will also give you the words to say in that situation. I sense the pain you feel, for I too have been misunderstood in my walk with the Lord. My family did not understand the change in me when it was happening, but through listening to the Spirit and asking for an opening to share, understanding has increased. So, you see, I know it works from personal experience. You and your family will be in my prayers. Peace and all Good.
Just pray. I have no idea how difficult it must be, but just pray open yourself up to God and just let it out. Pray for her, for your sister, for yourself. Maybe at some point, after you have calmed down, talk to you mother or sister.

God Bless
Well, just an update. My sister moved out of my mother’s house. She couldn’t handle her. Not that i blame her, I moved out when I was 18 but my sister is only 16 and now she is living with her boyfriend of 4 months. I hate that. I have been talking to my older sister to try to make an arrangement for her to move in with her, but then she will be living 2 hours away from all of her friends who she’s known since she was 4. It’s very tough.

I feel like I am the one to blame because I now live with my boyfriend, though we’ve been together 5 years. She looks up to me as a role model and she saw all the fights that i had with my mother and i guess she figures if i could do it then she can too. But she and I are very different. I was taken in to the custody of child services when i was 4 from an abusive family (she was 1) and placed with my “mother” who later adopted us. I had to struggle through all the nightmares and memories that comes with being beaten and neglected. Then many family members (including my father) that I had grown attached to and love, died. She was all to young for this. I guess what i am saying is going through stuff like that makes you tough, you can deal. My sister on the other hand is very sensitive and God knows how hard this will be for her.

My mother has always been the way i described her previously. I’m not going to brag but I’m fairly intelligent. But when I came home with a 96% on a test, all happy and wanting to show it off, she would always have some snide sarcastic comment like “where’s the other 4%?? It’s not good enough unless it’s all there.” This forced me to try way too hard to get grades, to the point where i was taking caffiene pills at age 13 to stay up and study, When i stopped, i was so tired, i had to take other drugs to get me through the school day. I was a drug addict by the time I was 15. I was cutting myself because I was depressed and as a form of punishment for not doing well enough. I was studying wicca but it gave me such negative energy because I was abusing myself. My mother, in her ignorance never noticed her ligour bottles being drained or the fact that i had scars all over my arms and legs. She just kept pushing me. Finally I met my boyfriend, he was the best person ever. He helped me stop everythign and led me to God, but drug addiction takes a toll on you mentally and physically, especially if you quit. My grades suffered. My 90% average dropped to a 60% even though i was really trying. My mom blamed this on my boyfriend and I wasn’t allowed to see him or my friends for the next 3 years execpt I had to split 4 hrs a week in between them. It was awful but i dealt with lots of fighting. That’s why I moved out so early.
Once in a while she would hava “religious fit” as I called them, whe she would become so zealous, she woudl go to church every week (she’s protestant when she feels like it), pray at the kitchen table (never done at my home other wise), she would pray all the time whenever she felt like it and put pictures of jesus on the walls. she would constantly try to get me to go to church with her but I couldn’t go with someone who would just deny christ in another month. It’s almost as if it were for show. Then a month later, she woudl stop, the pictures would come down and her peacefullness would turn to wickedness all over again and life would turn to hell again.

Well, that is my mother, and me so that is why it is really hard for me to deal with this because i don’t want my sister living in that environment without me but it’s almost like it’s my fault.

I will pray for my mother and my sister and hopefully something will be solved, right now, everything is up in the air, i’d be happy if somethign settled down!

Thank you for you replies and prayers!

Don’t knock yourself in effort to love your sister - you are sensitive too, I can sense it. And now is not the time to assign fault and blame, especially on yourself.

I think besides prayer you need to consult with your priest on this difficult family situation. There is abuse, a family splitting, and probably a mother with some issues (maybe mental disorder or personality disorder, too much to tell from this forum). In other words, it is beyond the scope of this forum to help you.

If the priest can’t help you, he will refer you.

Meanwhile, you must forgive her; not necessarily because you want to, but because our Lord commands it of us.

Good luck. I will say a prayer for you.
Thank you. I think I will do that. I never considered mental illness but it makes sense. I’m trying my best to forgive her, it’s just very difficult especially now that my sister has taken off and no one knew where she was unti she told me. Thank you for all of your support!
Just a thought, but if you are concerned about your sister living with her boyfriend, could you perhaps change your own situation?
I’ll pass on to you the same advice that my college Psychology professor related years ago. During his counseling days, he’d encountered someone who was in much the same quandary:

You may best “Honor you father and your mother” by doing the following –
  1. Forgive. This does NOT mean forcing yourself to conjure up warm fuzzy feelings you don’t really have. Take your cue from Christ on the Cross: Doubtless He was in too much searing pain to think warm fuzzy thoughts, so *He asked His Father to forgive * His murderers. Try something like, “Lord, you know how completely exasperated and angry I am with my Mother. You know that we rarely, if ever, speak. I’m sorry for that part of this situation may be my doing, but please forgive her for the things she has said about me – regardless of my own personal feelings. Please help me to be the kind of person You want me to be.”
  2. Be the best person you can be. Pray for God’s guidance in your life – after all, you are the only person who – with God’s help, of course – can change you. Strive to be the person that any (other) mother would be proud to have as a daughter. In this way, you will reflect positively – however indirectly – on your own Mother (whether she may deserve it or not).
I admire you for seeking help on this problem. I agree with all who have said that prayer is the most important thing of all – for your mom and for your sister.

You might want to suggest that both your mom and sister look at the website: www.standupgirl.com
It is a site that helps girls see that the abortion is not just a one-time thing and then it’s over. Those who have abortions deal with this loss their whole lives, and they can also be put into grave physical, emotional and spiritual harm because of it. There are also testimonies of women who have had abortion and are trying to heal at :www.rachelsvineyard.com

Another great site is: www.priestsforlife.com
They have wonderful information to help you defend the life of unborn children.

For your mom, you might want to focus on helping her overcome the sin of pride. It is probably the sin we all struggle with the most. Your mom is looking at preserving her reputation over the life of a possible grandchild. How is Our Lord going to view that? We sometimes become so concerned with what other people think of us, rather than how we are in the eyes of Our Lord.

Your family will benefit from your prayers and the prayers of others – consider calling your parish prayer alert to ask for prayers. I’ll be praying for you and your family as well!

Thanks everyone. I’ve explained that living with her boyfriend is not the way to go. She understands that my situation is different than her because my boyfriend and i have been together 5 years and are planning to get married. she, on the other hand, has only been with her boyfriend 4 months. She understands all of it, has assured me that she isn’t living with her boyfriend because i am, it’s because she has no where else to go and i believe that. My mother moved them out into the middle of nowhere after i moved out. It takes her an hour and a half to get to the closest school by bus, and an hour to get to the town where we used to live, by car. Her boyfriend, however, lives 5 minutes down the road. She said she chose their because she doesn’t have a car so if my mom ever needed her, she wouldn’t be able to get there. That was her reasoning. I don’t really think my situation has a bearing on this.

My sister doesn’t believe in abortion. I was so proud of her for that. She’s grown up (3 years younger than me) in an age where sex is something a 14 year old does. All of her friends lost their virginity sometime around there. I think half of them have had an abortion, against my sister’s advice. It’s not like she can leave her friends and find good examples to hang around, because there are none. EVERYONE in that highschool is like that!! even though she knows nothing of God and christianity, she knows the difference between right and wrong (somewhat). She disagrees with abortion, doesn’t do drugs or drink, i gues the only thing is sex, and this has been a subject that has been taught by the school, that sex as a teen is normal and healthy…I kid you not. We even have a clinic where you can get the mornign after pill…“because no one wants a mistake to interfere with their lives”.It’s a bad school, but the only one around.

Thank you all for your encouraging replies, I’m so glad i found this board, it rocks!!
Magdalena–Even though your sister says she is not living with her boyfriend because you are living with your boyfriend and even though you think it is different because you have been with your boyfriend for five years and she has only been with hers for 4 months, you need to see that your actions speak louder than words. You are modeling behavior that you don’t want her to do. You justify what you do but don’t approve of what she does.

Please pray to grow in faith and find the strength to align your own choices more closely with what God wants.

I remember from another thread that you are thinking about marrying your boyfriend. Please consider my point because it only gets harder when you are a parent and your children are reminding you of your choices.
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