I'm called to marriage, but i feel like i'm too ugly to date

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benjammin

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Okay, i’m a 23 year old man, and I just feel like my looks prevent me from realizing my vocation of being married. I just feel no girl will ever be attracted to me. i’ve started working out since i’m only 5 ft 7 and heavy at 215 lbs, but even then i’m more muscular and can’t seem to lose much weight. Also i’m losing my hair (i’ve got a bad bald spot) and i just don’t feel like i’ll be able to get the attractive girl i’d want (not that that’s all i’m looking for, but it does help in attraction). So what can I do. Am i destined to be single? Should I just date some girl I don’t find physically attractive and hope I fall in love with her? I honestly don’t know what to do. BTW here is a picture of me
 
Don’t be so down on yourself. You’re a completely normal looking American guy.
 
benjammin said:
Okay, i’m a 23 year old man, and I just feel like my looks prevent me from realizing my vocation of being married. I just feel no girl will ever be attracted to me. i’ve started working out since i’m only 5 ft 7 and heavy at 215 lbs, but even then i’m more muscular and can’t seem to lose much weight. Also i’m losing my hair (i’ve got a bad bald spot) and i just don’t feel like i’ll be able to get the attractive girl i’d want (not that that’s all i’m looking for, but it does help in attraction). So what can I do. Am i destined to be single? Should I just date some girl I don’t find physically attractive and hope I fall in love with her? I honestly don’t know what to do. BTW here is a picture of me
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I have read a few of your other posts in the past and I think you perhaps need to mature a little in your views on vocations, marriage, and relationships. We all have “flaws” about our body that we wish we could change. I wish my hair wasn’t so frizzy and that my skin was softer. But we were made in His image. It is important to cherish your body, “flaws” and all.

Just because you may not be 100% content with your body, it certainly does not mean you are destined to be single. What an absurd view! On a different note, good for you for starting to work out. Taking care of your body with proper excersise and hygiene is extremely important.

But should you date a girl you don’t find physically attractive and hope you fall in love with her? Absolutely not. That is not the way it works. You don’t date someone and then hope you fall in love with them. You date someone to discern whether marriage is a possibility and love them for their personalities and the fact that they were made in His image. You should never ever date someone that you cannot appreciate their physical beauty. Of course, we are attracted to some people more than others. That is ok. But what is not ok is forgetting that we are made in His image.

And looking back on something else you wrote a few weeks ago (I do believe it was you…sorry if I’m wrong!)…you should aboslutely not look into the priesthood or religious life simply because you are not married! That is not what a vocation is and certainly not a default if marraige does not end up happening according to your prefered timeline! Not sure how you’ve reflected on that since that thread, but just wanted to point it out. Again, I stress that maybe you should spend time reflecting on relationships, vocations, and marriage.

And I agree with what Et Cetera said. You look like a normal guy. I hesistate to say this because I don’t think this is what you need…but great smile and amazing facial features! But I really do think you need to spend time reflecting and growing as an individual.

:signofcross:
 
benjammin said:
Okay, i’m a 23 year old man, and I just feel like my looks prevent me from realizing my vocation of being married. I just feel no girl will ever be attracted to me. i’ve started working out since i’m only 5 ft 7 and heavy at 215 lbs, but even then i’m more muscular and can’t seem to lose much weight. Also i’m losing my hair (i’ve got a bad bald spot) and i just don’t feel like i’ll be able to get the attractive girl i’d want (not that that’s all i’m looking for, but it does help in attraction). So what can I do. Am i destined to be single? Should I just date some girl I don’t find physically attractive and hope I fall in love with her? I honestly don’t know what to do. BTW here is a picture of me
Click to expand...
First off you’re not ugly. Yes, I’m a guy so perhaps my opinion doesn’t count, but I know many males who can stand to lose a few pounds and have early balding. That said, most decent women I know are drawn to a warm heart and happy disposition rather than one which concentrates on the flaws of his physique. Smile, always be kind, laugh a lot, and be content with who you are. The rest will come.
 
If you are in fact called to marriage, God will bring her into your life, whether you play the dating game or not; so keep your eyes open!

The dating game is a modern phenomenon designed to maximize humiliation. The human race propagated just fine before it was discovered.

By all means, do not date someone you are not “attracted” to; that needs to be there. IMNAAHO.

ICXC NIKA
 
Be patient, she will come along. The biggest piece of advice I can give is don’t be so down on yourself. One thing that will drive a lot of women away is projecting low self esteem. Act confident and eventually you will feel confident. It’s not all about looks. Yes, generally there needs to be some sort of physical attraction but everybody gets old. Here’s a secret; everyone is insecure about how they look! It’s about how well you hide it. The right one will love you for you, no matter what.
 
I see a smiling warm person with an adorable puppy.
Maybe it’s time to banish mirrors from your home and go forth to enjoy life. You look like someone who would make a good friend. And if you started a CAF poll about friendship as a basis for deeper relationships, I’m betting a lot of people would say that it is important.
On a cautionary note, your concern that you might not be able to get that attractive girl to notice you, might be something to think about. Are you forgetting to reach out to people because your initial impression is that they are not exceedingly attractive? You could be losing out on a great relationship if you don’t give yourself time to get to know people and discover their beauty.
Share that warm smile, and a friendly greeting with a few shy strangers. There are a lot of people out there who will be glad that they met you. And perhaps, one day, we will be applauding a family pic thumbnail.👍
May God bless you. Amen.
 
benjammin said:
Okay, i’m a 23 year old man, and I just feel like my looks prevent me from realizing my vocation of being married. I just feel no girl will ever be attracted to me. i’ve started working out since i’m only 5 ft 7 and heavy at 215 lbs, but even then i’m more muscular and can’t seem to lose much weight. Also i’m losing my hair (i’ve got a bad bald spot) and i just don’t feel like i’ll be able to get the attractive girl i’d want (not that that’s all i’m looking for, but it does help in attraction). So what can I do. Am i destined to be single? Should I just date some girl I don’t find physically attractive and hope I fall in love with her? I honestly don’t know what to do. BTW here is a picture of me
Click to expand...
You look fine.

Swim instead of lift and get off sugar.

Short. Plenty of short women.

Attitude. Now we have the crux of the issue: you don’t think much of women, do you? You want to “get” a girl. Seriously, you want a girl? But you think girls are all so shallow they care a lot about looks? LOL!

If you expect to be thought of as a man, I suggest you start to think of the other gender as women. You know, whole grown-up, complex, varied, intelligent, interesting human beings. Get outside of yourself and stop thinking about youyouyou so much and start interacting with and getting to know others. Put them first in conversations and other interactions.

Go on an online dating site and go on a few dates. Maybe you’ll go on 12 first dates with no second. At least you’ll get some practice. You can learn about another person, ask questions about them, appreciate their uniqueness. Themthemthem.

Women want caring, attentive, confident men who will be partners in life. Not boys, not fathers, not guys who need their self-esteem built up every five minutes. Believe me, if you want some girl who will always be adjusting to you because you are who you are and you’ll never be anything else well, it won’t be a very successful relationship because there’ll only be one person in it.

The fact that you care so much about what the woman looks like, means you are about 17 in dating years. A 23 year old woman wants a guy who is about 28 in dating years. Change. When you’ve made friends with a few women, then you can start thinking about romance.
 
First, let me say you’re absolutely adorable. You look very much like my cousin’s wonderful husband, and they’ve been happily married for 13 years.

People your age (men AND women), unfortunately, do tend to be rather shallow. I’ve had an active dating life in my older years, and I can’t recall one man I’ve ever dated that would be suitable for the cover of* GQ *magazine. 😉 But they were all wonderful and kind men, each in his own way.

If you’re only interested in “attractive” women, then don’t be surprised if the women you meet are only interested in “attractive” men. Start respecting and admiring women for what’s on the inside, and I’ll bet your “perfect match” will look beautiful to YOU, even if she doesn’t have a perfect face or body. And she’ll feel the same about you.

Jala
 
After looking at your photo I am shocked that you would call yourself ugly. You are a decent looking normal guy with an adorable dog. If you are overweight and not happy about that then lose the weight because it will boost your spirits tremendously and increase your confidence. You are only twenty three and the perfect age to get yourself ready to be a great boyfriend and future husband. Make yourself desirable to women by not only your physical appearance but by your character, love for God, and a good work ethic. If you are a good man with a kind heart the right woman will eventually come into your life. Get involved with Catholic young adult groups and perhaps Catholic online dating. And pray every day for guidance. I’ll pray for you too.
 
Based on this post and many others like it, I would really encourage you to get spiritual direction on vocation from your priest AND get some counseling for possible depression or other mental health issues from a counselor recommended by Catholic Charities.

You have way too much anxiety over this. I don’t think asking this same question in numerous ways on CAF is going to get you the help you need. PLEASE get counseling. By all accounts you seem to be a kind, caring guy (who is NOT ugly BTW).

This is all going on inside you, and you have to work through it.
 
I also wanted to comment on the fact that you seemed too focused on physical appearance. I have a 25 year old son who is not nearly as “normal” looking as you. He is 6’4", weighs about 140 pounds, has a very long, thin neck. He has beautiful hair and eyes, but some acne scarring. He too was looking for a girlfriend, his criteria is different from yours but perhaps just as unrealistic, he wants a brilliant, intellectual girl. He has been dating a girl for some months, but we only recently met her. From the way he was talking about her we expected her to be rather plain as looks go, but she was very pretty. She isn’t as clever and witty as his “ideal”, but she is a dear, sweet girl and pretty too! She is clearly growing dearer to him as time goes by, so initial attraction is not the only ingredient. Find a young woman who has some things in common with you and get to know her.

Frankly, my 18 year old son has more mature criteria. He wanted a girl who could make conversation, a good listener, warm and affectionate, and he is extremely good looking.

I do think you need to grow up in terms of what dating is all about and what it takes to make a good marriage partner.
 
I agree with a lot of what the other posters are saying here but I’ll add this:

What I sense is an issue of trusting in God. Really pray about it and leave it in God’s hand. I have the same problem trusting that I’ll ever find the right one too, and I worry I won’t find someone who’s attractive to me. I think culture really twists the eyes of a lot of us and we tend to have such a skewed view of what makes a woman beautiful. I think what is needed then is to focus on God, who is beauty…then we’ll be able to see really beautiful women. So in short, don’t ignore prayer, personal and spiritual development in all of this!

I’d recommend the advice from Catholic Answers’s sister site, Chastity.com:

chastity.com/chastity-qa/dating/dating
 
Demetra2 said:
After looking at your photo I am shocked that you would call yourself ugly. You are a decent looking normal guy with an adorable dog. If you are overweight and not happy about that then lose the weight because it will boost your spirits tremendously and increase your confidence. You are only twenty three and the perfect age to get yourself ready to be a great boyfriend and future husband. Make yourself desirable to women by not only your physical appearance but by your character, love for God, and a good work ethic. If you are a good man with a kind heart the right woman will eventually come into your life. Get involved with Catholic young adult groups and perhaps Catholic online dating. And pray every day for guidance. I’ll pray for you too.
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This.

If I were 30 years younger I would go out with you!

But I understand where you’re coming from. From the time I was 8 or 9 years old I focused on the fact that I was a little overweight (FAT in my way of thinking but it was only 10 lbs. in reality). I didn’t like that I was a brunette instead of a blonde, that I had braces and glasses, and later acne. But it isn’t until you get to be a few decades older that you realize comparing yourself to the “glitterati” of your school, or to celebrities, etc. is just so unfair to yourself.

You said you “felt” ugly. But feelings aren’t facts. I look back at the photos of my “ugly” self now, and though a few of them are not as flattering as I’d like, for the most part I see a reasonably pretty young girl. She was just too filled with self-doubt and anxiety. She let it cloud her thinking in many ways.

To me the key is health. Weight loss goals or anything like that, when pursued first for health, will have the side bonus of making a person more attractive, and one will age better over the years, whereas some who pursue things like tanning, or who drink or smoke too much, or worry too much (which I sometimes do - working on it!) will age prematurely.

Exercising in particular will have the benefit not only of keeping your body metabolism good and your muscles strong and help burn off any unwanted fat - it will also increase the endorphins in your brain. Studies have been done suggesting exercise is a potent anti-depressant. It’s likely that by exercising, you will feel more confident without even trying, and your body image will improve of its own accord. :extrahappy:

But one final caution: be relaxed in how you go about it, don’t get obsessive or guilt-ridden or discouraged - simply persevere! 👍 And pray while you exercise! Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you - a nice person with much to offer. And pray to discern your vocation and for things to fall into place. They will! :blessyou:
 
1ke said:
Based on this post and many others like it, I would really encourage you to get spiritual direction on vocation from your priest AND get some counseling for possible depression or other mental health issues from a counselor recommended by Catholic Charities.

You have way too much anxiety over this. I don’t think asking this same question in numerous ways on CAF is going to get you the help you need. PLEASE get counseling. By all accounts you seem to be a kind, caring guy (who is NOT ugly BTW).

This is all going on inside you, and you have to work through it.
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1ke,
You always seem to hit the nail squarely. 👍

Ben…
I agree with the others, you are most definitely NOT ugly…There may be issues involved but looks is not one of them…

When I first read the thread title…I thought…Well have you considered dating women who might consider themselves “too ugly to date”?
There could be - and probably are - wonderful women out there who would love to spend time with you but are just as shy, or feel unattractive or whatever…
Something to think about.

Of course such women are going to also be shy (like you) and you will need to develop the ability to actually ask one out. But I believe you can do it…👍

That said…Your view does seem to be turned very much inward and you seem to be quite confused emotionally and spiritually. So I must add my voice to the notion that you seek some counseling from a good spiritual director.

Peace
James
 
YOU are a good looking guy. So get that out of your head. Other pluses are you are a musician or really like music,and like dogs 👍

You are not fat and baldness isn’t a turn-off for most women. I like men who are intelligent, are focused on their careers, make me laugh, good huggers, know how to dance, and practice their faith.
 
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