I'm called to marriage, but i feel like i'm too ugly to date

[benjammin]

Okay, so it’s things like this bolded part which show your lack of confidence. This is something that is very easy to perceive. I’ll let you in on a secret: I’m not a very confident person. But, you probably wouldn’t know it if you talked to me. What you should try to do is always see yourself as an interesting and worthy human being, because you were created and are loved by God. That alone makes you an interesting and worthy person. So, you say you enjoy reading? Well, that’s an interesting factoid, because a lot of the time in this era of technology, it is difficult to find anyone who actually enjoys reading. Lastly, every situation is what you make of it. So, you could go to school events and participate and expect people to call you. However, I have learned that this is basically doomed to failure, because especially in high school and college, people are super busy and rather self-oriented. It’s very rare that you find someone who asks for your number. So, what I’ve learned to do is try and make conversation with the people around me and ask for their numbers/e-mails. It has helped me immensely with having homework buddies and even helped me befriend some really great people. So, I guess the bottom line is that even though we all have doubts, it is extremely prudent to put aside those worries and have confidence in yourself as an interesting and worthy individual.

Thanks for the suggestions. I know I should get peoples numbers, but I hate intruding in on peoples groups. I feel like a tag along or a fifth wheel or that people just bring me along so I don’t get my feelings hurt rather than wanting to actually hang out with me. One of the situations like this was in school when I was apart of our Newman club. It was a small group with only 10 members and were all buddy buddies except me and this one girl who had other friends. Anyway our group went to our states march for life. Afterwards they all went together to eat out. I went with since I rode in their car and just felt like an outsider. Not that they were unfriendly, but I always felt like an outsider with this group. Id always see them eating breakfast and lunch together and i thought that even though I liked to eat with diferent friends of mine I would have loved to have that type of friendship where people did everything together. Instead I have a few close friends but not a group. It makes me feel like a drifter though.

 

[Julia_Mae]

Oh please, confidence. Whatever happened to just being nice and being a good guy. Confidence to me just means being a jerk. All the confident people I know are jerks who cheat and lie and drink too much and probably sleep around. I’ll never do that, yet still girls my age don’t care about that. Its like niceness is a bad thing. The few dates i’ve had they’ve said i’m nice. Whats so wrong about that?

I think you have arrogance confused with confidence. Confidence is about self-respect and trusting yourself. It’s about saying “I can fix that…” when you actually know what you are doing and “I haven’t got a clue…” when you don’t and being okay with both answers.

Women will say what they have to to relay the message they don’t want to see you again without hurting your feelings. “You’re really nice but…” is a classic example. Why they really don’t want to continue they aren’t going to say but it all boils down to: I don’t connect with you.

When you stop being mad at men for being better-looking than you, and stop being mad at women because you can’t “get” one, you’ll be on the road to self-esteem and healthy interactions with both genders. Stop blaming everyone because you need to make some changes and make them.

 

[nordskoven]

Shave your head. Trick grooming–a beard–got Lincoln elected. Why not get you married up with a dome? Please check out Roy Masters views on males and females. If you’re not a manly man you will be no use to a womanly woman. God put men in charge. Learn what that means.
fhu.com/

 

[3DOCTORS]

Oh please, confidence. Whatever happened to just being nice and being a good guy. Confidence to me just means being a jerk. All the confident people I know are jerks who cheat and lie and drink too much and probably sleep around. I’ll never do that, yet still girls my age don’t care about that. Its like niceness is a bad thing. The few dates i’ve had they’ve said i’m nice. Whats so wrong about that?

True confidence doesn’t have to be the equivalent of cockiness, which is a better term for the obnoxious attitudes and behaviors you’re describing in those people.

If the girls say you are nice in a way that insinuates boring, maybe they’re just into drama and don’t have their priorities straight. You don’t need that type of girl, she’ll wear you out.

Take some time, maybe spiritual direction is a good idea. Pray. Try not to become bitter. Try not to be too impatient to settle the big questions of life in your mind all at once. Relax, chill, and take life a day at a time as it comes.

 

[Crescentinus]

True confidence doesn’t have to be the equivalent of cockiness, which is a better term for the obnoxious attitudes and behaviors you’re describing in those people.

If the girls say you are nice in a way that insinuates boring, maybe they’re just into drama and don’t have their priorities straight. You don’t need that type of girl, she’ll wear you out.

Take some time, maybe spiritual direction is a good idea. Pray. Try not to become bitter. Try not to be too impatient to settle the big questions of life in your mind all at once. Relax, chill, and take life a day at a time as it comes.

Women who are into “drama” are generally those who think that their lives are boring. In reality, they generally have no appreciation to the people around them.

 

[Rose71]

Benjamin…a smile that could melt an iceberg AND holding a rather cute puppy! I’m going to give you a stern lecture now - so brace yourself, young man!

Firstly, you look like a husband and not a player…and that is actually a good thing I know appearances can be deceptive and we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but you look warm and approachable on that photo and just the sort of man that a lot of girls wish they could find.

It doesn’t matter if you meet Mr. or Mrs. Right at 20, 30, 40, 50…If you focus too hard on ‘what’s wrong with me?’ you become introspective and insecure. Think about what you have actually got to bring to the table in a relationship instead and forget what other people think the idea woman should be…and start picturing your ideal woman!

:banghead: and seriously, guys (all of you!) on behalf of women everywhere, we will all stop agonizing and obsessing over cellulite, if you lot stop making such a meal over the word ‘nice’. There is nothing wrong with being nice. Please, carry on being nice. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice! It is possible to be attractive and nice; it is possible to masculine and nice; it is possible to be exciting and nice. If everyone was just fundamentally nice, what a different place the world would be.

My o/h isn’t tall. He’s lost most of his hair and he’s not academically brilliant. To me, he’s the most attractive man in the universe. Why?

1. he is always true to himself. Remember, saints are ordinary people, doing ordinary things, extraordinarily well.
2. He always treats other people with courtesy and respect. Wherever we go, people warm to him because he will always make an effort to be friendly and kind. he’s actually very shy, but to him, forgetting his manners would be unthinkable.
3. He has a big passion in life (apart from me ) and watching him doing what he loves and doing it brilliantly is just a privillege. Fortunatley, I share the same interest, so we can relate to one another really well.

So…you need to work out what really floats your boat! It doesn’t matter what it is (it could be hunting: it could be macrame!) but you need to think where you feel happiest and that is place you will be at your most attractive…both to yourself and to the lucky lady who will find you there.

Good luck and don’t despair (and you don’t need counselling - just a boot up the bum!)

 

[bellsonhertoes]

Ok, I’m going to shoot straight with you. I am a 23 yo female and I think you look fine. Your smile is great, and I certainly wouldn’t refuse a date based on looks. However, here’s what I want to tell you (it may be harsh, but someone needs to say it): get over yourself. I see that you are lonely; I’ve been there too. 75% of my Catholic friends are married and I’m single. I get tha loneliness is awful. But I also know that if I can’t be truly dependent upon God, truly satisfied with Him, I have no business trying to get someone else to heaven if I can’t do the basics for myself. If God sees that getting married is what will get you to heaven, you need to show radical faith and confidence in God that despite your circumstances, He’s got you covered.
On the flip side, you aren’t off scot free. I get how much loneliness is awful. But that is no excuse for being down on yourself. You say girls don’t want a “nice guy.” I know I don’t. I want a GOOD and HOLY MAN. I want a man who is so strong in his trust of Gos the storms of life won’t rattle that faith. I want a man who is so confident he can take unpopular stands in public on matters of faith and morals. I want a man who is so perserverant and patient I know that when marriage gets tough, I can trust him to be the man who fights for us even when he is upset. I want a man so in love with God that I see St Joseph and Jesus in his character. I want a man who doesn’t need me; he needs Jesus and Jesus gives Him me. I want a man who can love deeply and passionately, and men learn that through loving Christ and His Mother first. Notice looks aren’t on my top list. Take care of yourself but get over it. Be the MAN a woman wants to marry, not just a nice guy. There are lots of nice guys. Their are few good men. I recommend you read the book “Be A Man.”
Anyway, IMO, you need to work on yourself and be ready for a wife before you go lookin for one. I wouldn’t say no to you on looks, but I mighty at know if datin you mean I had to be a call for you to “man up.” You seem like a solid guy. Just breathe and pray to St. Joseph. And live your life in the present, radically for God now. If I saw a guy doing that, I might even be so bold as to “bump into him” after adoration. Don’t live in tomorrow- it’s not that real. You miss opportunities for sanctity when you do that. Be holy, and be not afraid of being a man. Follow Jesus and the rest will come.

 

[GEddie]

." You seem like a solid guy. Just breathe and pray to St. Joseph."

Very very nice

ICXC NIKA

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Based on this post and many others like it, I would really encourage you to get spiritual direction on vocation from your priest AND get some counseling for possible depression or other mental health issues from a counselor recommended by Catholic Charities.

You have way too much anxiety over this. I don’t think asking this same question in numerous ways on CAF is going to get you the help you need. PLEASE get counseling. By all accounts you seem to be a kind, caring guy (who is NOT ugly BTW).

This is all going on inside you, and you have to work through it.

^ This. Get some counseling. You’re not ugly and you have a negative viewpoint of yourself. It’s not about outer appearance, believe it or not. And if you are looking for merely attractive young ladies, then you are missing out on people who could be your spouse in a joyous life. You need to work on YOU first, and when your confidence is higher, you’ll find that lady. It’s like you are both trying TOO hard, and not trying at all.

 

[RedSparklyShoes]

Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think you’re adorable. Neither of my husband or myself are “gorgeous” or “sexy” in the world’s eyes, but we are to each other. Until I fell in love, I had no idea what kind of body type I’d be attracted to. I just wasn’t truly “attracted” to anyone until my heart was won over.

Oh, and stop “looking”. I was called to marriage and motherhood at a young age. In my early-mid 20s, I was desperate to find a husband. Because “the plan” was to be married and have at least 1 child by 30. I was almost panicked. I was praying about it and one day I said to God that “Okay, if I’m meant to be single, I can live with that. I don’t understand why you would give me a heart for marriage and motherhood for so long and not let me have it. But okay. I’m going to be happy being single.” That VERY DAY. My husband (whom I had known for about 11 years at this point) called me up and said he’d be in town, was I interested in dinner. Ack! All of a sudden I was dating! I was annoyed at God! Seriously. Thank God for his ways. Not all that long ago, I even laughed in my sister’s face when she said that André and I would make a cute couple.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Women who are into “drama” are generally those who think that their lives are boring. In reality, they generally have no appreciation to the people around them.

Basically, they are immature or haven’t had any role model for how to be a woman save for pop culture and we all know what pathetic examples are found there.

bellsonhertoes, awesome post! You have described the kind of man I wish I would have found at 23 or who knows, if it’s in God’s plan for me to marry still, I want that kind of a MAN.

I Googled the book she mentioned: ignatius.com/promotions/be-a-man-book/

Speaking of 23, as someone said, I know people who got settled in quickly around that age and are feeling trapped a few years later. Not that it’s not a good age to get married - even a younger age could be - if one is mature and prepared to take on the commitment. But if not, don’t sweat the numbers too much.

The best advice I can give the OP based on further posts - this is going to be a little bit “tough love” but please don’t be offended as I mean it in the best sense: Lose the “victim of circumstances mentality” or the “yes, but” knee-jerk response to the suggestions made. I’m not saying just try to do everything that’s been suggested without discerning what suits your life. I’m saying don’t dismiss an idea too quickly.

Don’t blame any situation that may be within your power to change. Maybe not all at once, but you can set goals. Make a list of the things you use now as excuses and prayerfully ponder each one. Ask yourself -

1. Is this really as big a problem as I think, or is it an excuse to blame circumstances?
   *]If indeed the circumstance warrants change, what is within my power to do about it, and
   *]In making a change, what are the steps, short-term and long-term, to get from Point A to Point B, and
   *]Pray for the patience and perseverance to initiate those steps, to ride through the inevitable bumps in the road along the way, and to not stop until the goal is achieved.
   
   You can do it! kpeople: Think of it as a training regimen as you would your exercise only it’s your life. Coach says this is what you must do each day if you’re serious about being on the team! Go get 'em!

 

[Luvz2travel]

Okay, i’m a 23 year old man, and I just feel like my looks prevent me from realizing my vocation of being married. I just feel no girl will ever be attracted to me. i’ve started working out since i’m only 5 ft 7 and heavy at 215 lbs, but even then i’m more muscular and can’t seem to lose much weight. Also i’m losing my hair (i’ve got a bad bald spot) and i just don’t feel like i’ll be able to get the attractive girl i’d want (not that that’s all i’m looking for, but it does help in attraction). So what can I do. Am i destined to be single? Should I just date some girl I don’t find physically attractive and hope I fall in love with her? I honestly don’t know what to do. BTW here is a picture of me

Well I’m a lady in my 40s but you appear to be a nice looking young man to me I don’t see why you would think you’re too ugly to date someone in your age range… You also have a nice smile and that’s important when attracting ladies. No one likes someone with a perpetual frown on their face. You just need to work on your self esteem and you’ll be fine. For me the the most attractive thing is a confident guy. Learn to like yourself and show more confidence and you’ll attract more people. If the weight bothers you work on loosing that and that will help build confidence too but I’d get out and be more social and challenge yourself. With anything you want in this life you have to be proactive. Prayers.

 

[triumphguy]

Ok, I’m going to shoot straight with you. I am a 23 yo female and I think you look fine. Your smile is great, and I certainly wouldn’t refuse a date based on looks. However, here’s what I want to tell you (it may be harsh, but someone needs to say it): get over yourself. I see that you are lonely; I’ve been there too. 75% of my Catholic friends are married and I’m single. I get tha loneliness is awful. But I also know that if I can’t be truly dependent upon God, truly satisfied with Him, I have no business trying to get someone else to heaven if I can’t do the basics for myself. If God sees that getting married is what will get you to heaven, you need to show radical faith and confidence in God that despite your circumstances, He’s got you covered.
On the flip side, you aren’t off scot free. I get how much loneliness is awful. But that is no excuse for being down on yourself. You say girls don’t want a “nice guy.” I know I don’t. I want a GOOD and HOLY MAN. I want a man who is so strong in his trust of Gos the storms of life won’t rattle that faith. I want a man who is so confident he can take unpopular stands in public on matters of faith and morals. I want a man who is so perserverant and patient I know that when marriage gets tough, I can trust him to be the man who fights for us even when he is upset. I want a man so in love with God that I see St Joseph and Jesus in his character. I want a man who doesn’t need me; he needs Jesus and Jesus gives Him me. I want a man who can love deeply and passionately, and men learn that through loving Christ and His Mother first. Notice looks aren’t on my top list. Take care of yourself but get over it. Be the MAN a woman wants to marry, not just a nice guy. There are lots of nice guys. Their are few good men. I recommend you read the book “Be A Man.”
Anyway, IMO, you need to work on yourself and be ready for a wife before you go lookin for one. I wouldn’t say no to you on looks, but I mighty at know if datin you mean I had to be a call for you to “man up.” You seem like a solid guy. Just breathe and pray to St. Joseph. And live your life in the present, radically for God now. If I saw a guy doing that, I might even be so bold as to “bump into him” after adoration. Don’t live in tomorrow- it’s not that real. You miss opportunities for sanctity when you do that. Be holy, and be not afraid of being a man. Follow Jesus and the rest will come.

[SIGN]Good Post - read it again Benjammin![/SIGN]

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Ok, I’m going to shoot straight with you. I am a 23 yo female and I think you look fine. Your smile is great, and I certainly wouldn’t refuse a date based on looks. However, here’s what I want to tell you (it may be harsh, but someone needs to say it): get over yourself. I see that you are lonely; I’ve been there too. 75% of my Catholic friends are married and I’m single. I get tha loneliness is awful. But I also know that if I can’t be truly dependent upon God, truly satisfied with Him, I have no business trying to get someone else to heaven if I can’t do the basics for myself. If God sees that getting married is what will get you to heaven, you need to show radical faith and confidence in God that despite your circumstances, He’s got you covered.
On the flip side, you aren’t off scot free. I get how much loneliness is awful. But that is no excuse for being down on yourself. You say girls don’t want a “nice guy.” I know I don’t. I want a GOOD and HOLY MAN. I want a man who is so strong in his trust of God the storms of life won’t rattle that faith. I want a man who is so confident he can take unpopular stands in public on matters of faith and morals. I want a man who is so perserverant and patient I know that when marriage gets tough, I can trust him to be the man who fights for us even when he is upset. I want a man so in love with God that I see St Joseph and Jesus in his character. I want a man who doesn’t need me; he needs Jesus and Jesus gives Him me. I want a man who can love deeply and passionately, and men learn that through loving Christ and His Mother first. Notice looks aren’t on my top list. Take care of yourself but get over it. Be the MAN a woman wants to marry, not just a nice guy. There are lots of nice guys. Their are few good men. I recommend you read the book “Be A Man.”
Anyway, IMO, you need to work on yourself and be ready for a wife before you go lookin for one. I wouldn’t say no to you on looks, but I might at know if datin you meant I had to be a call for you to “man up.” You seem like a solid guy. Just breathe and pray to St. Joseph. And live your life in the present, radically for God now. If I saw a guy doing that, I might even be so bold as to “bump into him” after adoration. Don’t live in tomorrow- it’s not that real. You miss opportunities for sanctity when you do that. Be holy, and be not afraid of being a man. Follow Jesus and the rest will come.

THIS!!!

:clapping::yup:

 

[Crescentinus]

Basically, they are immature or haven’t had any role model for how to be a woman save for pop culture and we all know what pathetic examples are found there.

I see a lot of those here in Manila nowadays. For them, it’s either “drama” or no relationships at all. In their case, their role models happen to be celebrities. According to their logic, the more dysfunctional, the better.
To that end, they will pick up many guys to date and having affairs.

 

[exoflare]

Christmas bump.

OP have you discussed all this stuff with a spiritual director?

 

[sw85]

Well, look, I’m no judge of the physical attractiveness of other men, but you’re definitely no dog. I know plenty of guys that look similar to you who are either married or in long-term relationships. Your weight is nowhere near as much a problem as you seem to think it is, since women are generally less invested in physical attractiveness than men (or at least are not invested in it the same way men are). Your height is also not that much of a problem. 5’7" is below average for a man but still taller than the average woman. As some have said, just date shorter women. In my experience this is good policy, anyway. Every woman I’ve ever dated has been sweet, good-natured, and feminine in inverse proportion to her height. My last girlfriend was 5’7" and was… difficult. Before her, 5’3", and an absolute sweetie. Before her, 5’7" and difficult. Before her, 5’5" and, well, sometimes sweet and sometimes difficult. Heheh. Just an anecdote.

What I can say is that your lack of confidence in yourself will certainly alienate women, confidence being one of the greatest attractors out there. I know a young man who is very short (5’5") and isn’t terribly bright, and is maybe average to above-average looking, who nevertheless does very well with women, simply because he is possessed of this ludicrous, invincible self-confidence.

So you may be better served by making changes to improve your self-confidence, and in this, losing weight may even be helpful – not because the weight itself is unattractive but because it will make you more confident. Thankfully, losing weight is simple (not easy, but simple), since it’s just the laws of thermodynamics. Take in less energy than you burn and you will lose weight, slowly but surely. There’s no such thing as a medical disorder that can enable you to defy the laws of thermodynamics. Find a kinesiologist or nutritionist or something in your area and get your RMR (resting metabolic rate) taken; multiply that by maybe 1.3 or 1.4 and set that as your maximum caloric limit for each day. Cut out processed sugars, sodas, processed bread, and red meat, and eat like a caveman: chicken and fish, nuts and berries, whole grain, etc. Do lots of cardio in addition to weightlifting – the cardio’s what will cause the pounds to melt away, the weightlifting will just keep you from too much muscle.

Go hang out with men and do manly stuff. Shoot guns, go hunting, go fishing, take up martial arts, whatever. Men in groups have a way of nourishing one another. I’m a firm believer that most of the time, a man without at least some man friends to hang with is not yet ready for marriage. Put yourself in a position where you are not dependent on one woman for emotional validation and social support, so you’re not tempted to smother her.

And get yourself on Catholic Match. The guys-to-girls ratio there is insanely skewed in favor of guys, probably because fewer guys are interested in chastity. I’m average looking I’d say and I do well on there.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I don’t think this is a looks problem but a maturity issue. This is not the first thread like this where you’ve posted pictures of yourself to ask if you’re “too ugly” to date. The feelings of inadequacy, the searching for validation online, the obsessive focus on your appearance, all of that just points to too immature to date.

I just wonder what happens when you finally find a girlfriend and she reverse image searches your photos and this pops up?

 

[exoflare]

I just wonder what happens when you finally find a girlfriend and she reverse image searches your photos and this pops up?

You seriously made me lol just now imagining this happen. But that’s a really good point and I agree with the rest of your post as well.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You seriously made me lol just now imagining this happen. But that’s a really good point and I agree with the rest of your post as well.

Hey, I did it. I met my now fiance via online dating. After we had been together for a few weeks I reverse image searched a bunch of his facebook pics as well as the ones he had on his dating profile, you know, just to make sure I wasn’t getting involved with a creep or something.

The only thing that came up was an old photosharing account that one of his college friends had and an old, long abandoned profile on a dating site from 5 years earlier. (It was very cute, btw)