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exoflare
Guest
lol this
It seems like he’s completely ignored most of the responses in this thread anyway.
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It seems like he’s completely ignored most of the responses in this thread anyway.
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mommamaree
Guest
Absolutely right!
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mommamaree
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Confidence =/= cockiness
Women DO love confidence in men. As in, you have to like yourself well enough first, before another person is going to like you. Believing you have something to offer, that is confidence. After all, in marriage we are called to make a gift of our selves to our spouses. How can you make a gift of yourself if you don’t believe you can be a gift? So don’t confuse the two concepts. Cockiness is definitely off-putting, but confidence is very important.
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mommamaree
Guest
Oh, good grief.
Being nice, being kind, doing good things for others, loving the Lord…these are all facets of a personality.
My husband is a textbook “nice” guy…or at least he was when I met him. As I got to know him I got to get more and more glimpses of his “naughty” side. He is still the kindest man I know, but I also know about the side of him that is manly and aggressive and yes, even a bit boorish.
There is NOTHING wrong with “nice”. Nice =/= bland
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AnneElizabeth
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I don’t’ really have any tips… other than just BELIEVE that you will be a great spouse for a good woman some day. Strive towards being the best you can be. Just have confidence in that- or just practice believing it. It takes a while. You are right though, there are those your age (and older) that are cocky confident and yes, that isn’t real confidence. You at least seem honest, which is not a bad thing, but like you said you need answers. Real guidance is hard to come by these days. Actually, I don’t think many people have had too much of real guidance, so you are not alone. A lot of us are just stumbling through the best we can. However, the Word of God promises that He will not leave us orphans.
So please do continue to believe some girl will love you flaws and all… there certainly are young women your age who will. Trust me, you don’t even sound at all terribly flawed, but I know of people who are and have significant others. Now, their relationships aren’t that great- always fighting, causing problems- but at least they aren’t alone.
These people don’t believe themselves to be ‘less then’ deserving of someone special, even if they are and so its not hard for them to convince someone that they are worth spending time with. (They just find out too late in the game to do anything about it!!) 
I think that you may not even be sure of whom you are looking for or how to start. After having lost your father, you may not feel very confident about loving another person right now. Yes, its been more than five years, but loosing a parent so young is a significant event. Perhaps you just haven’t found the root cause of all of what you are going through right now? Maybe you need some time to dig a little deeper?
Just curious, but If you see a girl whom you are interested in, do you ask her out on a date? If not, why not?
(By the way, you don’t have to answer any of those things here. Just some introspective questions.)
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mommamaree
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Metropolis
Guest
I am a big believer that you choose to have a good or bad attitude. As I am pretty sure I have seen others tell you, focus on the blessings you do have. Remember that you are a beautiful creation of God and He loved you so much that He sent His son to die for your sins. That is pretty significant. Also I think working out and noticing improvement in your health and your appearance should help to improve your view of yourself and help you not be so down on your self. I have a lot of things that could easily bring me down and make me dissatisfied in life, but I choose to count my blessings and focus on those things rather than what I want and don’t have. I guess also seeing how others live in horrible circumstances and are still thankful for what they have, if they can be happy with what they have, I certainly can too.
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AnneElizabeth
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Hey hey!
I just found something for you benjammin…
T’was posted by another poster named mh2007 on another post, but seems very fitting to your last question here. I quote what they said here:
** Every day is magnificent with gratitude.**
Its very true. You want to change your outlook, your feelings inside, then start with being THANKFUL. Give thanks to God for the very many blessings, no matter how tiny- witness to them all day long. Can you use your legs? BE THANKFUL! There are many who do not! Do you have a home? BE THANKFUL there are many who do not! Can you see out of your eyes? Be thankful, there are many who can not! Do you have a God in heaven that cares for you? Be thankful! Found a penny? Be thankful! Tired of eating the same boring cereal for breakfast? Be thankful and instead of being bored with it, savor and explore the taste! Nothing to do in boring Nebraska? Be thankful! And instead wonder of any beauty of the landscape you see or take a walk or a hike or a drive to go see something! Change your vision! It can be something as small as being thankful for a morning ray of sun that “kisses” your hand when you wake up every morning!
I have no doubts you will be transformed by it. Every day is truly magnificent with thankfulness. I think G.K. Chesterton said something to that effect as well. “Thanks is the highest form of thought”.
Best wishes for the new year to you! I hope this doesn’t sound too hoakie but helps.
I just found something for you benjammin…
T’was posted by another poster named mh2007 on another post, but seems very fitting to your last question here. I quote what they said here:
** Every day is magnificent with gratitude.**
Its very true. You want to change your outlook, your feelings inside, then start with being THANKFUL. Give thanks to God for the very many blessings, no matter how tiny- witness to them all day long. Can you use your legs? BE THANKFUL! There are many who do not! Do you have a home? BE THANKFUL there are many who do not! Can you see out of your eyes? Be thankful, there are many who can not! Do you have a God in heaven that cares for you? Be thankful! Found a penny? Be thankful! Tired of eating the same boring cereal for breakfast? Be thankful and instead of being bored with it, savor and explore the taste! Nothing to do in boring Nebraska? Be thankful! And instead wonder of any beauty of the landscape you see or take a walk or a hike or a drive to go see something! Change your vision! It can be something as small as being thankful for a morning ray of sun that “kisses” your hand when you wake up every morning!
I have no doubts you will be transformed by it. Every day is truly magnificent with thankfulness. I think G.K. Chesterton said something to that effect as well. “Thanks is the highest form of thought”.
Best wishes for the new year to you! I hope this doesn’t sound too hoakie but helps.
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AnneElizabeth
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Oh I see Metropolis got here first with the same sentiment/advice! 
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
A lot of very mature people google their dates. Its just smart and is a good way to stay safe. Also, you don’t need to put ‘godless’ in caps, my advice has nothing to do with being an atheist and I certainly don’t laugh or delight in finding faults in others.
Of course we are all insecure. But most people don’t post the same thread over and over again seeking validation online, sometimes with pics. That’s creepy and goes beyond normal insecurity, especially since he never really seems interested in considering the answers.
It is a maturity issue. If he focuses so much on looks that he’s constantly posting these threads then he either needs to seek counseling for his self-esteem issues or he needs to grow up. Those are really the only two choices. If this is genuine insecurity then he is not ready for a relationship. You cannot go into a relationship this insecure hoping that the attention from the opposite sex will fix it. If this is a ploy for attention then he’s still not ready for a relationship because that is extremely immature and childish behavior.
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Eufrosnia
Guest
Hello,I’m sorry If I come off having a bad attitude in these posts. Its just hard because as of now I don’t really have anyone in my age group in my area since I’m out in the middle of rural nebraska where most people (let alone Catholics) are either older or have families. In public I try to be nice, and I try to find events and be positive whether its in my part time jobs (I substitute teach and work at a grocery store. Hopefully though I will get a teaching job or some other better full time job, or do this masters program I’ve looked into where I would teach in a Catholic School while getting a masters… and its subsidized if I get in:thumbsup, but at the end of the day I feel so alone. I’ve always had friends, but i’ve never been close or had a group of friends who did everything together. I always see these people, and I just feel like i’m some creepy loner sitting in the corner, even though I try to smile and look like it doesn’t bug me.
When I’m home though I just get so sad about it. I feel like everyone else is out having fun while i’m just alone sitting on a stupid computer. I do pray and I do try to do other Catholic events when they are available, but there don’t seem to be much in my diocese that are youth centered. Also, other young people events don’t happen much unless it involves getting drunk or if I do go, I feel weird because i’m alone instead of with a friend or a group.
I guess I also feel like things just never go away. People say trust in God yet the wrong things happen. My father died at 15. I was bullied to the point of threatening kids at an otherwise great Catholic school, i couldn’t get a job. Sure good things have happened, but they seem insignificant to the bad things. I guess I have to look at it though that God is preparing me for something greater, but its so hard when I hear people say God has blessed them so much and I don’t get as many and it makes me doubt my faith. I do though try and keep going by going to mass and hoping God gives me enough strength to get through things. Even so, I still feel like I have to be self centered because no one else seems to care about me and my problems and just say “pray about it” or “your depressed” and just go on without actually helping. I guess though sometimes I just get so frustrated and want more than just the typical answers. I’ll also admit that I do like to argue sometimes and am sorry if I’ve come off as uncharitable or selfish Thank you for at least being honest. I guess sometimes I just still hold on to the idea that some girl will love me flaws and all, but I should stop that and try and change myself. What are some ways to get a better attitude? Any tips?
God Bless
BenJammin
after reading some replies here to you and reading some of your posts (including above), I can see and feel the trouble you are going through. So I thought I will chip in.
First thing to realize is that you are extremely blessed in knowing what God is calling you to do i.e. Marriage. I can tell you that I have met a lot of people who are very clueless and continuously “discerning” even after years of dating as to whether they are called to marriage. Their spiritual directors (granted they probably didn’t choose a good one) have not helped them much either (more on this in a bit).
So my advise is to identify this period that you are alone as a time of preparation. Yes, it is a cross you must carry till your meet your beloved. I’ve seen very “bad” looking people (by societies standards) get married and live happy lives. So stop thinking that it is your looks that are driving women away from you.
Keep working out, keep praying to God that the spouse that he will bring you and the spouse that he has set apart for you together soon. Ask God to grant you the grace to better prepare for her and the challenges of being a husband AND A FATHER. Marriage is not just about you and her.
Basically, pray for her, and prepare. Working out is certainly good. It will help you physically as well as mentally to build confidence. But don’t put too much weight on it (pun intended
). Keep being a good Catholic (attend mass, pray rosary, read scriptures). When you meet someone, first and foremost consider the religious compatibility. Put GOD FIRST! I also recommend you read Book of Tobit for encouragement and to see an actual case of how God brings people together in marriage.Now the word I promised about spiritual direction. I noticed many here directed you to it but many fail to mention the dangers of this. For spiritual direction to be successful, you need to find a good priest (or someone qualified to give direction). In most cases, this can be extremely tough. Ideally, this role should be fulfilled by parents who know you best and can maybe even recommend some women they know. That too might be tough if you are very far apart from them. So read the saints. Find comfort in knowing they carried heavy crosses just like you. Offer it to God as penance. Offer it to God as penance for those you love (maybe even your future spouse). Use that time to read books about Church teaching on marriage so that when you meet the next woman, you know what to look for.
Try to become a person such that the most important part about a woman’s character for you is that she be very enthusiastic about her Catholic faith (don’t worry about your concern with looks. Every person has an image of their beloved in their head. That is just how it is. People who say they don’t care at all about looks don’t know that they are implicitly looking for that image. The way you want a person to look like is very important and don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you are wrong. Just keep it real though and don’t have unrealistic standards that no woman can meet
).But yea, Prayer, Prayer, Prayer is the key!
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exoflare
Guest
Well that’s the thing (or one of them). He doesn’t know.
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Eufrosnia
Guest
Oh, I thought he said in the OP that he was? Or is he having doubts because he can’t find a spouse?
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exoflare
Guest
I don’t think it’s “godless” to refuse to stick your head in the sand.
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exoflare
Guest
As someone else already mentioned here a while back, you don’t “know” for certain you’re called to marriage until you’re right up there at the altar making your vows. People like to play loose with language and substitute “I want to get married” with “God is calling me to marriage” because they think it sounds better.
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Eufrosnia
Guest
I honestly disagree with this. I think this confusion is somewhat modern and honestly foreign in other parts of the world (excluding Europe, Americas).
If you are called to marriage, you know just as much as how you know if you are called to priesthood. Now it may well be that you are called to marriage but you will never find a spouse your entire life (as divine providence would have dictated it). But this will not mean that you, as a person and who you are, were never called to marriage in the first place.
The position you hold is problematic to me because it would imply that a couple who has planned a wedding that will take place tomorrow have uncertainty whether one of them will change their minds still to become a priest. Surely, that is not acceptable, right? So I think this whole doubt and uncertainty of “am I called to marriage?” need not be there. This is not to say that the OP is called to marriage but rather to say that neither the OP or anyone else needs to suffer such uncertainty of the type that will only resolve itself on the day of the vow (whether to celibacy or marriage).
I feel that for one to discover their call, all they need to do is understand the two vocations and what it requires of them. Then simply choose what most attracts them and do their best to achieve it. Things like spiritual discernment (with respect to choosing a vocation) only helps one accomplish just that. So there need not be uncertainty.
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AnneElizabeth
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Of course not, but that is not what I stated. I said it was GODLESS to LAUGH at someone’s insecurities if and when you find them.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
No one laughed, and the assumption that I did was both presumptuous and uncharitable.
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trevor1055
Guest
I’ll skip the comments about looks and puppies and those lines. It is all fluffy emotional goo that has nothing to do with marriage. For thousands of years of human existence, “love” had very little – if anything – to do with marriage, and I propose that family units were more intact than they are now. In fact, what is the definition of marriage? The union of one man and one woman for the purpose of children. I imagine some nasty remarks are coming my way. By the way – full disclosure – I am divorced, as my wife left me 2 1/2 years ago for another man, so my views are still a bit raw and angry.
Good luck, buddy.
Good luck, buddy.
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BlueEyedLady
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If that were the case I can only imagine that the Catholic Church wouldn’t allow infertile couples or post-menopausal women to marry. But they do, so even from a Catholic perspective your definition is lacking.
Also, your rant about marriage in general contains absolutely nothing of value to the OP. Unless of course, you’re suggesting that he approach women by saying “Excuse me miss, but would you care to be with me for the rest of our lives so that we can raise children?” I can smell the restraining order already.
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