i'm considering divorce

[KristenMarie]

I never thought i would ever consider divorce. I need advice about what to do. I found out about 3 months ago that my husband of 6 years (7 now) was having an emotional affair with a friend. Long story short, i caught him in the lie. Then for about 2 months he was considering leaving me because of how i was treating him previously. I did not treat him well and i admit that and have been getting help. During this time he was struggling with a huge relapse from his anorexia so was not mentally well at the time either. He has been getting help and is a lot better now thank god. Initially when the emotional affair happened i wanted a divorce. He apologized and i said i would make it work if he promises to stop talking to her. Well, i found out about a week ago that he had been keeping in contact because i found an email from her. When i confronted him he finally told me that she has been calling him. I asked him how long they’ve been talking and he said she called about four times while he was at work. He said he was trying to get rid of her. Well i just looked at the phone records and he has spoken to her about 30+ times between march and april and sometimes for over an hour. He is telling me he will sell his computer, change his phone number, get rid of his phone, and anything else, but I can’t take any more lies and I am numb with pain. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like i can ever trust him again. He keeps apologizing and he has stopped receiving calls from her the past 2 or so weeks but i seriously don’t know what to believe anymore. Please pray for me. I need help.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I never thought i would ever consider divorce. I need advice about what to do. I found out about 3 months ago that my husband of 6 years (7 now) was having an emotional affair with a friend. Long story short, i caught him in the lie. Then for about 2 months he was considering leaving me because of how i was treating him previously. I did not treat him well and i admit that and have been getting help. During this time he was struggling with a huge relapse from his anorexia so was not mentally well at the time either. He has been getting help and is a lot better now thank god. Initially when the emotional affair happened i wanted a divorce. He apologized and i said i would make it work if he promises to stop talking to her. Well, i found out about a week ago that he had been keeping in contact because i found an email from her. When i confronted him he finally told me that she has been calling him. I asked him how long they’ve been talking and he said she called about four times while he was at work. He said he was trying to get rid of her. Well i just looked at the phone records and he has spoken to her about 30+ times between march and april and sometimes for over an hour. He is telling me he will sell his computer, change his phone number, get rid of his phone, and anything else, but I can’t take any more lies and I am numb with pain. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like i can ever trust him again. He keeps apologizing and he has stopped receiving calls from her the past 2 or so weeks but i seriously don’t know what to believe anymore. Please pray for me. I need help.

First of all, you both need to take a step back and get marriage counseling. I sincerely doubt that talking to total strangers on-line is going to solve this all on its own.

You have every right not to believe or trust him and it is understandable that you would consider a divorce. ’

However, I do have a sense by what you’ve said that you can save your marriage, and I think you’ll really, really regret it if you don’t try.

It probably won’t easy either, but to quote Sila Lee: in marriage, you CHOOSE to love each other. That does mean sacrifice and getting through these tough times together.

And be assured, many other couples have been in these situations and gotten through it.

 

[Christy_Beth]

Consider marriage counseling. Or at least talk with your priest. I know it’s hard to trust after being hurt so many times. But talk it out with someone who can work with the two of you to try to make this relationship better. If that fails, then have a legal/formal separation first. It may be that this is how to get his attention and help it sink in that you are serious about this. You need to have your needs met as well. But don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. And pray, pray, pray.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

First of all, you both need to take a step back and get marriage counseling.

Ditto. That’s exactly what I was going to suggest when I read the post. When couples get to this point, they are trying to win the argument, not solve the marital difficulties.

that my husband of 6 years (7 now)

One thing I’ve noticed over time is that couples often have major marital problems at about the 7 year mark (give or take a year), though it does not have to be cheating. How couples handle this situation will obviously determine if the marriage will last.

It should also be noted that if they can’t reasonably resolve the situation in this marriage, it is unlikely they will be able to resolve major problems in subsequent marriage. Both parties have to take a deep breath, and calm their emotions to the point where they can reasonably communicate, regardless of who is right or wrong.

 

[KristenMarie]

thank you for your responses, i really appreciate it. i am willing to do marriage therapy but my biggest problem is trust. i am trying to figure out if i can trust him again. he keeps lying to me. I keep finding myself say, if i find out one more thing, or if you lie one more time about this then it’s over. and i keep finding stuff out. when is it time to say enough is enough. how many chances do you give? :bighanky:

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

i am willing to do marriage therapy but my biggest problem is trust. i am trying to figure out if i can trust him again. he keeps lying to me. I keep finding myself say, if i find out one more thing, or if you lie one more time about this then it’s over. and i keep finding stuff out. when is it time to say enough is enough. how many chances do you give? :bighanky:

Trust is a MAJOR problem in your case, and it is even probable that trust may not come back entirely. But time can diminish the distrust under the right circumstances. I believe that people should take the position that the Church takes, which is that marriage is a permanent commitment, and both parties should work through their difficulties at all costs. Both parties have to give, and may even require the “innocent” party to be humble and back off even if he/she is without fault.

As far as how many chances one should give, I wouldn’t look at it this way. At this point, your marriage is in a state of transition, and their could be failures (from both parties) along the way. Focus on actively and humbly solving the current situation, rather than focusing on possible future failures.

 

[FriendlyFace]

thank you for your responses, i really appreciate it. i am willing to do marriage therapy but my biggest problem is trust. i am trying to figure out if i can trust him again. he keeps lying to me. I keep finding myself say, if i find out one more thing, or if you lie one more time about this then it’s over. and i keep finding stuff out. when is it time to say enough is enough. how many chances do you give? :bighanky:

I don’t have any advice, but I’ll be praying for you. :hug1:

 

[Jacob50]

praying for this situation to get solved.

 

[Evania]

Trust isn’t going to come overnight, but it will come eventually if you both work hard at it. Right now you are feeling gutted and have every right to be. You said this woman is a “friend”. Is/was she a mutual friend?

Affairs thrive in secrecy. A lot of times when the cover is blown, it’s no longer “exciting”. If she knows you are onto what’s going on, and that you are working on the marriage, present a unified front to her with your spouse, she might disappear from your marriage. If she think she’s still got a shot, she’s going to wait in the wings.

Although your immediate instinct may be saying otherwise, be loving toward your spouse. Any other reaction right now may have an adverse affect. Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t be angry or hurt for being deceived! You can be angry at his behavior and yet still be emotionally available and open to communication. Most of all, pray together before you go to bed at night. If possible, pray before the Blessed Sacrament together.

 

[crystal_waters]

I dont wanna sound dumb…whats an emotional affair? How does it differ from a regular affair?

 

[quiet52]

Find an appropriate Christian marriage counselor (one who does not push divorce or any secular values which contract our faith).
In addition, ask a priest if the two of you can meet with him once a week for a while, to help both of you become more comfortable praying together, and to talk about forgiveness and other issues.

 

[BettyBoop416]

I dont wanna sound dumb…whats an emotional affair? How does it differ from a regular affair?

Disclaimer: I am making no judgements regarding the OP or her situation. I am speaking only in general terms.

“Emotional Affair” is a term sometimes applied to a situation where one spouse (typically, but not always, the husband) has a friend of the opposite sex with whom he/she spends time, communicates, and shares confidences. This friendship satisfies an emotional need that may or may not be caused by some deficiency in the marital relationship. The other spouse, disapproving of this friendship, wanting some sympathy from other like-minded folks, and wishing to dial up the drama a bit - yet knowing that there is really nothing immoral going on - attempts to justify his/her feelings by calling it “an affair.” The qualifier “emotional,” as used here, means “I have no proof that he’s sleeping with the slut, but I’m going to keep digging until I either find or manufacture some.”

 

[stewstew03]

thank you for your responses, i really appreciate it. i am willing to do marriage therapy but my biggest problem is trust. i am trying to figure out if i can trust him again. he keeps lying to me. I keep finding myself say, if i find out one more thing, or if you lie one more time about this then it’s over. and i keep finding stuff out. when is it time to say enough is enough. how many chances do you give? :bighanky:

My question is… why would you make the threat – “it’s over”? Clearly you don’t actually want it to be over – from what I can gather you love your husband, want to work it out, mistakes have been made (probably on both sides). The short answer is that you were wounded and wanted him to know that there would be consequences to him wounding you (and the marriage). So… face that first. Are you in the kind of relationship that returns pain with pain, or evil with evil? Obviously your husband knew his behavior would hurt you. Has he been so wounded by you that he decided (on some level) that the pain inflicted on you was justified?

Anyway - that’s where I think you need to start. Why are you and your husband hurting one another (emotionally)? Where does the insecurity lie? Whatever those insecurities are will follow you to another relationship, another marriage, etc. So divorce is not the answer. You and your husband made a commitment. This is not a commitment that can be broken. It’s a commitment that will carry the two of you through good times and bad. Married couples never like to face the “bad,” but there it is…you’re in the “valley.” Your response (and your husband’s response) is critical at this point in your marriage. Are you willing to fight for one another, instead of with one another? Are you willing to face the sting of wounded pride? Are you willing to live out your faith, even when your husband might not be willing to live out his?

These are mostly rhetorical questions, but some you should ponder…

.

 

[styrgwillidar]

thank you for your responses, i really appreciate it. i am willing to do marriage therapy but my biggest problem is trust. i am trying to figure out if i can trust him again. he keeps lying to me. I keep finding myself say, if i find out one more thing, or if you lie one more time about this then it’s over. and i keep finding stuff out. when is it time to say enough is enough. how many chances do you give? :bighanky:

Well, how many chances to you expect God to give you? Christ said to forgive something like 70 times 7 times, that we will be forgiven in the same way we forgive others.

You didn’t mention whether you have children or not? I’m much more reluctant to consider splitting a marriage and living separately if children are involved. They need both mother and father…

My cut on this is that you took a vow. Uphold it.

As others have said, get a good counselor and work on it. Go to retrovaille, Marriage encounter, get to the bottom of what he is receiving from that relationship that caused him to perpetuate it. He needs to understand that getting rid of phones or computers is window dressing. Nothing to keep him from getting another phone or computer or calling her from work. Trust isn’t built by putting up barriers, it’s built by knowing no barriers are needed-- HE will make the choices necessary as an act of will, not because you placed impediments. You don’t want to be his mother or jailer, you want to truly be his wife. He needs to man up and choose.

If this were going on with me, I’m a guy by the way, I would want my spouse to tell me every time this other person contacted them and what was said. Let’s face it, the other person may be trying to remain contact even if he’s tried to stop it. Being weak, he isn’t strong enough or effective and is also afraid of informing you. Perhaps I give him too much credit.

I’m sorry you’re going through the ‘… for worse’ times in your marriage right now and will pray for you.

 

[catholicman76]

Hello…

Prayers for you…

I find myself in a situation where divorce may be inevitable, it is the most depressing, embarrassing, confusing time in my life.

My circumstances are completely different then yours, but give it some time. Pray…

God has been very stubborn with me or me with him listening\comprehending the answers.

Seek console priest, deacons, and counselor\ therapist, individually and as a couple if possible. This may not provide you answers, but it will give you direction.

 

[EasterJoy]

I dont wanna sound dumb…whats an emotional affair? How does it differ from a regular affair?

It is a relationship of deep emotional intimacy, sometimes including talk about the matter of physical affairs (for instance, engaging in intimacies over the phone or the internet), but sometimes not. It does not include in-person physical infidelity–there may be no contact that would not be allowed between an engaged couple before marriage–but it does include emotional closeness and time spent in that closeness that violates the marriage. IOW, it is a friendship of a romantic nature that is incompatible with marital trust even though there has not been physical adultery.

Let’s just say the husband is having conversations with this other woman or spending time with her in ways that he would NEVER have in the presence of his wife. The interactions he is having with this other woman are an insult to his wedding vows, even though the relationship is not physical. (I almost want to say not physical “yet”, because these relationships dance right on that line between desire and action.) That is what makes it a gross violation of his wife’s trust, not that he has a friendship with a woman.

These relationships often develop to the surprise of the married person and their emotional paramour, which is why many couples have a standard that they do not have opposite sex friendships except in the presence of their spouses. They do not want to take that chance, and they want their spouses to feel that they value their relationship too highly to give their spouse any reason to be concerned.

 

[EasterJoy]

I never thought i would ever consider divorce. I need advice about what to do. I found out about 3 months ago that my husband of 6 years (7 now) was having an emotional affair with a friend. Long story short, i caught him in the lie. Then for about 2 months he was considering leaving me because of how i was treating him previously. I did not treat him well and i admit that and have been getting help. During this time he was struggling with a huge relapse from his anorexia so was not mentally well at the time either. He has been getting help and is a lot better now thank god. Initially when the emotional affair happened i wanted a divorce. He apologized and i said i would make it work if he promises to stop talking to her. Well, i found out about a week ago that he had been keeping in contact because i found an email from her. When i confronted him he finally told me that she has been calling him. I asked him how long they’ve been talking and he said she called about four times while he was at work. He said he was trying to get rid of her. Well i just looked at the phone records and he has spoken to her about 30+ times between march and april and sometimes for over an hour. He is telling me he will sell his computer, change his phone number, get rid of his phone, and anything else, but I can’t take any more lies and I am numb with pain. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like i can ever trust him again. He keeps apologizing and he has stopped receiving calls from her the past 2 or so weeks but i seriously don’t know what to believe anymore. Please pray for me. I need help.

This may seem counter-intuitive, but I’d also try to convince your husband that he is being a jerk *to his paramour *by continuing his contact with this friend of his.

I think he’s feeling guilty and is trying in a very misguided way to be the “nice” guy to this woman. That is probably what got him into this mess in the first place. He needs to understand that a) while the other woman does need help in getting over this, that help cannot come from him and b) the way to get her to stop calling is to say, “I’m sorry I put you in this position, but talking is not helping either of us move on. I want to stay married to my wife. I’m going to block your e-mails, and I’m not going to talk to you anymore. Again, I’m sorry, but we can’t do this gradually. I feel terrible for putting you through this, but you need to move on. I need to start being someone my wife can trust. Goodbye, and good luck.”

And then he needs to hang up, and if she calls again, he needs to hang up as soon as he knows who it is. He needs to block her e-mails, or if he can’t do that he needs to delete them as soon as they come in, without opening them. She is not going to start moving on until he cuts her off unequivocally!

OP, try to convince your husband that this is not just about caring about your marriage. This is about caring about this woman whom he lured into a relationship that he wasn’t willing to choose over his marriage. He needs to cut her off so that she can get on with her life. He is only leading her along by his willingness to talk to her. If you show some understanding of this other woman’s position (not that she deserves it by her actions, but because you have compassion for her as a human being) and convince your husband that he is hurting her, too, then he might find the courage to do what he ought to do, which is to cut her off entirely. Entirely. She needs to find another man and she will not do that as long as your husband is taking her calls. This needs to stop right now, and your husband has to do it.

And what if she is trying to steal him away from you, and deserves no sympathy from you? Well, she does deserve sympathy, because being willing to break up a marriage in order to get what you want is a pretty pathetic way to live. But no matter…the idea is to convince your husband that cutting her off is the “nice” thing to do, unless he doesn’t intend to fix his marriage, and all this dithering of his is doing nothing but making everyone more upset and miserable. Maybe that will help him do the right thing.

 

[jbenade]

Betty Boop: “Emotional Affair” is a term sometimes applied to a situation where one spouse (typically, but not always, the husband) has a friend of the opposite sex with whom he/she spends time, communicates, and shares confidences. This friendship satisfies an emotional need that may or may not be caused by some deficiency in the marital relationship. The other spouse, disapproving of this friendship, wanting some sympathy from other like-minded folks, and wishing to dial up the drama a bit - yet knowing that there is really nothing immoral going on - attempts to justify his/her feelings by calling it “an affair.” The qualifier “emotional,” as used here, means “I have no proof that he’s sleeping with the slut, but I’m going to keep digging until I either find or manufacture some.”

Excellent description. Thank you, Betty Boop.

I have a male friend whom I’ve known since the eighth grade. We talk a lot on the phone, just like I do with my girlfriends or my mother. I even went out to visit last year. NOTHING happened, except a fun time visiting the the museums and national landmarks. My husband is/was not happy about it. Given the circumstances, it’s ridiculous.

Nevertheless, thanks Betty.

 

[The_Bucket]

I second basically everything EasterJoy just said.

I have experience of being the guy who violated my wife’s trust. It was not with other people be they real or over the Internet, but pornography. And it was pretty bad. Addictive bad.

I think one tip-off here is that the husband here was suffering from another serious psychological problem and, when he was mistreated at home (per the OP’s admission), he went elsewhere. I’m not excusing it, I’m explaining it.

One key issue is that when it comes to things like this, I don’t know that there is anything you can really do to stop the lying. It’s up to him. My wife packed up the kids and left me for a couple of weeks. That’s what it took to wake me the heck up.

I’ve been in recovery for almost a year now. Sober too. Does that mean that I’ve been on the perfect straight and narrow? No. I’m sure she’d be upset if she knew that I still had temptations and was in the near occasion of sin more than once.

But the actual porn and all that goes along with it has been out of my life for nearly a year. Our marriage is stronger; she’s still hurt and I think she’s always going to be hurt. I believe it will diminish over time provided that we both work on it. I have to stay sober and move closer to God and she has to work on not overreacting or being in a constant state of worry about my soul.

One thing that helped, aside from my going to a recovery program and taking many other actions, is that she found out about the environment in which I grew up. I dived into porn and never got out of it because of my father. Suffice to say that his sex addiction is, sadly, far worse than mine. I’d say in this case that some psychological issue prompted the anorexia as that disease is a way in which people who feel out of control try to assert control over their lives. It’s almost an addiction.

 

[EasterJoy]

… The qualifier “emotional,” as used here, means “I have no proof that he’s sleeping with the slut, but I’m going to keep digging until I either find or manufacture some.”…

I think the use of the word “slut” and the supposed certainty that physical adultery must have taken place is over the line. After all, unlike physical adultery, it is possible for a person to have a one-sided emotional affair. The degree to which the woman is resisting breaking off the friendship in this case, however, shows that she has come to depend far too much on the emotional resources of a man that is married to someone else. She might not be doing that in a sexual way–hence why “slut” is over the line–but she needs to realize that she is draining emotional resources that are not hers and invading an intimate relationship that ought to always remain inviolate.

If you make an romantic emotional investment in someone you are not married to at the expense of your spouse, that is an emotional affair. If you are getting emotional consolations of the level of intimacy that belong to marriage at the expense of your spouse, that is an emotional affair. It is wrong, and the fact that the relationship does not have a sexual component would not change that. The spouses deserve to have exclusive access to that level of intimacy with each other. Strictly speaking, whenever anyone gets that level of emotional giving from a spouse, it absolutely must be the free gift of the couple. Even an entirely platonic relationship cannot claim emotional resources without the consent of both spouses, because the spouses live one life. Even your job or chasing a particular achievement may not compromise what you give to your spouse emotionally without the consent and gift of your spouse.

IOW, the OP could be given proof positive that there is no physical adultery and even no romance and could still make the charge that the husband is engaging in an illegitimate emotional affair that threatens their marriage and must be stopped immediately. There does not need to be sex for there to be infidelity!