I'm Expecting a Baby at 42 yrs old

[MarthaSo]

Hi everyone,
Yesterday I found out I was pregnant. We’ve started doing NFP a few months ago after wanting to do what is right in the eyes of the Church. I don’t want to talk about what method etc…if that’s ok.

I have two teens one is 18 and the other 16…When I found out by testing (3x) my first reaction was despair and I was saying 'No, no…no". Ever since yesterday I couldn’t stop crying.

I should be much more mature but even I was surprised by my crying so much I was shaking. My teens saw.

For some strange reason the only thing I can think of now are my two older children, how cute they were when they were little, how they always were close in age and had eachother, how we all went on family trips together.

And now, with this new baby, there will be no more ‘4 of us’ like its been almost 20 years. Why can’t I be happy. I miss the four of us. There will be no more trips together with kids close in age. Why can’t I see past this. I’m so sad things are changing instead of feeling blessed.

My husband is happy and said he would look for a second job. My teens were so happy. I am very sad. I also feel we will have to downsize our lifestyle and home and that makes me feel bad, like because of this new child, my other 2 children will have to have a smaller home and less money on them. (I know that sounds bad but I need to be honest to get the best advice sorry)

All I ask is for some encouragement, I don’t really have any friends but that never bothered me as an adult. I’ve always said Jesus is all I need.
But now, I can use some advice and prayers. Please, if you can help me get past this feeling of missing my kids when they were little and having to do it all over again. The doctor appointments, the parties, the tv shows (we don’t have tv anymore). I feel there’s so much to re-do that I don’t have the energy for and I feel sad at the way things used to be.

Thank you so much.

 

[Imhappy]

Congratulations!! From the short post you wrote it sounds like this baby is going to be a true blessing, you know the old joke, if you want to make God laugh, tell him YOUR plans, truely, do not be stressed, Once you see that little one, your going to realize just how lucky you are!

 

[Anicette]

You are just in shock because it was not what you plan…

But don’t worry, your teens are happy, your husband too. They don’t think of smaller space or money…

Perhaps the first trimester will be hard, but you will certainely be ultimately better.

And you will noy deprive you of all the things you can do when you are only 4, because the oldest children are almost grown up… You will create a new dynamic with this new baby.

So, I think your reactions are normal, I have experienced them, but don’t let them overwelmed you. Perhaps you can see a psychologist to discuss them?

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

I have not experienced this kind of age gap, but I have experienced this reaction to a pregnancy. My husband found me staring into the mirror sobbing after I got a positive test result with my fourth.

I always knew it could happen but I was so happy with our life as it was and the horrors of the 3rd c-section were still fresh in my mind. That was probably most of it. I didn’t want to be cut open again so soon and have to find a doctor who wouldn’t treat me like garbage for all those c-sections that weren’t my fault and my refusal to use contraception.

So my paradigm shift was this. I loved my life with our family so much up to that point. That was all God’s doing. You love your family life together. You don’t need to mourn it even though we often do in pregnancy. This is just more goodness from God that will bring all of you happiness in ways we cannot imagine until it happens.

Try to remember that you had some worries in your other pregnancies that seemed legit at the time but proved unfounded when the baby came. This could be more of the same. When my first two were so close together I worried I was robbing the first of his babyhood and that I somehow wouldn’t have enough love to go around. Those fears were very real but proved unfounded.

Lastly if there is a mom’s group at your parish, dive in! You said you don’t have a lot of friends. Mom friends await you! Someone with your experience mothering teens will be a valuable friend and they’ll take care of you.

I don’t know you, but I love ya, stranger. You’ve got this!

 

[MarthaSo]

Thank you all. Just a few moments ago I took out the photo album that had only pics of my 2 when they were little together, at parks, at museums, Halloweens (oh gosh I have to take them trick or treating again), at birthday parties (another thing I’m not looking forward to b/c we used to have lots of kids over). I found myself wishing I could go back to those times, with anguish. I just have no idea why. I feel like I’m mourning the youth of my teens, the best baby memories I had were with them and as horrible as it sounds, this new baby with it’s new memories will never be what my first 2 were. May God forgive my mental cloud, I’ve asked Him this morning for strength and to forgive this sadness I can’t get over. And on top of everything else I have to go back to my full time job where I have only one sick day left until December.
Thank you again for your prayers.

 

[TheLittleLady]

But now, I can use some advice and prayers. Please, if you can help me get past this feeling of missing my kids when they were little and having to do it all over again. The doctor appointments, the parties, the tv shows (we don’t have tv anymore). I feel there’s so much to re-do that I don’t have the energy for and I feel sad at the way things used to be.

Prayers, done and will continue.

You know what, kids grow up just FINE without TV! You do not have to be a slave to parties (and those will not even be an issue for another 6 or 7 years. Christ told us not to worry about tomorrow.)

This child will give your teens a gift that is so precious. They have seen you be afraid at the beginning, and they will see you lovingly welcome this child.

When your teens, either now or 30 years from now, have a friend who finds themselves with an unplanned pregnancy, they will be able to tell that friend about you. Your teens will not give in to the “freak out because you are pregnant and scared” reaction. What a gift these young adults will bring into their lives and the lives of those around them.

Your teens will learn what life with an infant is like. When they are parents someday, a crying baby, sleepless nights, exploding diapers, exhausted new mom, feeding issues, teething, all of these things will not come as a surprise. They will be known territory. This will also help them be more compassionate to their friends and people in their communities who have a new baby, they will realize that new parents need support and caring people around them.

Yep, you won’t have the same energy as when you did this the first time around, but you will have oceans more patience and experience.

Prayers!

 

[1ke]

I also feel we will have to downsize our lifestyle and home and that makes me feel bad, like because of this new child, my other 2 children will have to have a smaller home and less money on them.

They might have fewer material things but will have a little brother or sister— worth infinitely more than pocket money!

the parties, the tv shows (we don’t have tv anymore). I feel there’s so much to re-do that I don’t have the energy for

Don’t put pressure on yourself to do any of this stuff! Children are better off without tv. Fancy parties and all the hustle of infinite sports and activities— throw that all out and do it how YOU want, not how you think other people think you should!!!

My brother and his wife have raised a beautiful daughter with little to no TV, some Sesame Street and stuff like that but on the whole no TV.

I just spent the weekend with my friend and we visited her brother, about to turn 50 and his 44 year old wife with their 2 year old— SO much joy!!

Take a deep breath and take it ONE day at a time. Don’t think anout school and parties and such, that is down the road. Just think about today.

 

[MarthaSo]

Thank you all so much. I’m feeling better. My teen son just got home from work tired and my teen daughter is moody and my husband has been gone all day in errands and my church is closed. So the family dynamic isn’t as happy as it was last night and I don’t know, I just feel weird now…a bit sad. I haven’t read scripture or prayed in a while since I was dealing with another major life event these past few weeks so maybe I’ll start by praying and saying a rosary.

 

[Dorothy]

God bless you and the new baby yet to be born! May our Blessed Mother put her mantle around your family and intercede for all of you.

The Rosary sounds wonderful! It is a great connection with our Blessed Mother and our Lord!

 

[Allegra]

Congratulations on your new baby! I know you are stressed out because your new baby’s childhood will be different from your older children’s, but that could be a blessing as well. Your older kids now have the opportunity to learn to love and care for an infant, which is probably very exciting to them. (Not to mention, providing them with some excellent life skills!) It’s okay if you don’t have as much energy as before because they can help you. I don’t think I’ve ever met an adult who says they would trade a sibling for a larger house, especially if all of their basic needs were met. And you don’t have to bring the TV back. If the teens can live without it, I guarantee a baby can! You’ve got this!

 

[heidi_storage]

Many congratulations! My mom got pregnant with me at 42, and although she was tired, I think she AND the family enjoyed having a little one around. It’s fine to feel sad and conflicted, though–be kind to yourself and make sure you get good care.

 

[MarthaSo]

I just want to thank everyone again. I believe this forum is an incredible blessing as reading and re-reading all of your replies were like medicine to my soul. I know others will also feel healed inside whoever comes across this thread with a similar situation. I pray that God bless each one of you and your families with an abundance of His blessings.
Thank you

 

[Xantippe]

And now, with this new baby, there will be no more ‘4 of us’ like its been almost 20 years.

There will be no more trips together with kids close in age.

But that’s baked-in to having an 18-year-old and a 16-year-old. The baby doesn’t change the fact that one or both of them will be gone very soon.

I wouldn’t put too much weight on your emotions right now–the hormonal changes are very powerful.

My teens were so happy. I am very sad. I also feel we will have to downsize our lifestyle and home and that makes me feel bad, like because of this new child, my other 2 children will have to have a smaller home and less money on them.

If your husband and the kids are happy–that’s really good.

Also, are you 100% sure that you’ll need to downsize? The process of buying and selling houses is very expensive.

All I ask is for some encouragement, I don’t really have any friends but that never bothered me as an adult. I’ve always said Jesus is all I need.

Talk to your OB about this when you have your apt. You might ask for a depression screening, too.

If you’re having another child, I think it’s time to rethink the no friend thing–You are going to need some emotional and practical support. I would at least join a mom and tot meetup once your baby is born.

The doctor appointments, the parties, the tv shows (we don’t have tv anymore). I feel there’s so much to re-do that I don’t have the energy for and I feel sad at the way things used to be.

It’s OK to ask for more help than you used to and to hire more help. I am 43 and have a very busy 5-year-old (as well as a 16-year-old and a 13-year-old). I do things very differently than I did as a late 20-something mom. I use my brains more and my legs less and I outsource a lot of stuff (for example, my 16-year-old gets paid a dollar or two to deal with the playroom). My older kids started preschool or parents’ day out at 3. Baby Girl started one day a week of PDO at just under 2–and it was fine.

On the bright side–our oldest was able to start babysitting for her baby sister at 14.5 (Baby Girl was 4). It’s a completely different world when you can get a sitter with almost no notice and go out to a movie or dinner. I recommend it. (We pay $8 an hour and Big Girl is very happy.)

 

[Xantippe]

Halloweens (oh gosh I have to take them trick or treating again)

Your husband or the kids (if they are around) will enjoy doing that.

birthday parties (another thing I’m not looking forward to b/c we used to have lots of kids over).

You don’t have to. For a first or second birthday, just invite who you want to. Later on, just invite a couple kids and their parents for a few years.

And on top of everything else I have to go back to my full time job where I have only one sick day left until December.

That’s hard.

I would ask for that depression screening.

 

[midori]

Hugs!

Infants are pretty cheap… it’s not until they start getting into kindergarten/grade school ages that you start getting swamped with fees for extracurriculars… gymnastics class, or swim class, or horseback riding, or stuff like that. So suppose your 18 and 16-yo’s are closer to 19 and 17 when the baby is born, depending on how their birthdays fall… if they go for college, they’ll have graduated before the baby enters first grade. So unless your older kids come back home, or live with you as adult children (in which case, they’ll have jobs and can pitch in financially and time-wise), your youngest will be more likely to have an only-child-flavored upbringing.

I’m most happy that your husband is supportive. That’s a gem right there! We get set in our habits, and the way we look at things. The fact that he’s got a healthy and supportive attitude puts you miles ahead, for sure.

Congratulations on being able to feel the little tummy-kicks one more time. Congrats on being able to look forward to nibbling on toes. And if you’re super-lucky, and your children develop a serious relationship sometime in the next five years and get married/start a family… maybe you may end up with a baby who may grow up having a close relationship with his/her nephew or niece.

But yes. The tears are perfectly normal. Even if you were trying for it on purpose— getting hit with the reality ends up in tears! I wish you the best, and to find the graces you need the most. Hugs!

 

[Allegra]

It’s true. I loved taking my youngest siblings out for trick-or-treat. I always took my cut of the reeces cups!

 

[pensmama87]

You don’t have to. For a first or second birthday, just invite who you want to. Later on, just invite a couple kids and their parents for a few years.

You don’t even have to have birthday parties! I mean, I do cake and a couple presents for my kids, but birthdays are really a quiet, low-key celebration in our house (four kids), and it was the same growing up in my family of six, and we really liked it that way. We figure we can do “big” parties for First Communion and Confirmation - and those are one-time occasions, not annual.

I think the advice for a depression screening is really good. It will be a big change, but having two teenagers to help you out while baby is very young will be great for you and I suspect for them too! My youngest is six months and my oldest is only 7, but man, having an almost-big kid to help out is a real game-changer.

 

[MarthaSo]

Wow, thank you all again so much for your encouragement! I am feeling much better even though I’m still nervous.
I work full time and today someone at work just lashed out at me. I emotionally lost it and my husband and I agreed that all I need is 6 more years at that job and then I can leave and stay home or work part time. By then I would have finished my degree also (I’m taking online courses a little at a time).

By then, my youngest will have just started kindergarten, my daughter will have finished college and my son will likely have also finished college, and we will move to a less expensive area.

Do you think it’s reasonable that I can look forward to something like this. Every time work gets tough I can think 6 more years vs until 65. I have to stay there because its free college for my children. And I will not worry about the youngest just yet.

Thank you again very much for helping me see clearer as my mind is very clouded.

 

[Xantippe]

Can you get a transfer within your job?

 

[MarthaSo]

Hi, they already transferred me actually and where I am now is much better than before thank goodness but I am still dealing with some of the same people, same rudeness. And I only have one sick day left until December which makes me know that I will get up and go to work every single day unless an extenuating circumstance comes up until I get all the days back in January. Thank you for your response.