I'm gay. How do I tell my parents?

[EasterJoy]

Yeah, right. There is no way that you, I, or any self-respecting adult would do this, nor should anyone have to.

Let’s say that you were raised as a southern Baptist. You grow up and convert to Catholicism? Do you tell your parents? Let’s say you keep it a secret, nod and smile when they talk to you about Baptist stuff and events, and maybe you occasionally go to church with them. Fine. But then you meet a great Catholic man, fall in love, and decide to get married. Obviously, you can’t keep hiding you Catholicism. So you tell them, and there’s a huge blow up, everyone goes into their separate corners, this blows over, and you are all ready to have a relationship. Great.

Except now, all your parents want to do is beg you to come back to the Baptist church. They use every visit and phone call as an excuse to tell you that you’re sinning, that you need to leave your husband and come back to the way they raised you. Maybe they are able to keep calm when you baptize your kids Catholic, or maybe they aren’t. Regardless, they make it clear that the home in which you are raising your kids is unfit and immoral. And here’s the best part, the never let this go, because it is their “duty” to correct you, and you gave them that duty when you told them that you were Catholic. If you didn’t want this, you needed to hide your entire life, your family, your husband, and your kids from them.

You wouldn’t tolerate that, and neither would I. You would eventually say “Look, you know that I love you both, I love the life you gave me and I will always be grateful to you. But this is who I am, and I’m happy with it. If you can’t stop turning every conversation into an excuse to bash my family, then I’m sorry, we can’t continue with these get-togethers”. And you would be perfectly reasonable and well within your rights. Likewise, it is not out of line for him to say “I love you both, but this is who I am and how I live, and it won’t change. If we can’t visit and talk without everything coming back to how you don’t approve of my choices and how you can’t accept me, then I’m sorry, but we can’t keep doing this”.

Turning out differently than your parents wanted does not give them a blank check to say whatever they want, whenever they want to, nor does it oblige you to listen. Good personal boundaries are healthy, and yes, sometimes they even need to be put in place with parents.

Well, then, I guess you think I have no self-respect. So be it.

I practiced Judaism for several years and considered converting, but then came back to Catholicism. My parents never knew a thing about it. If I had told them, of course I would have expected them to see it as their duty to bring me back to the faith they raised me in. Did I go to Mass when I was with them? Sure, but I didn’t go to Communion…which is what my Jewish friends did, too. If anyone ever noticed, no one ever said a word about it.

I make other choices that my siblings and parents do not like, and they let me know it. I let them talk, then I do what I see fit. How is that so hard? Usually if I simply acknowledge that I see that they feel a duty to say these things, that is that. If I want to take a stance that is against my whole family, I don’t see why I shouldn’t have the courage to accept that they aren’t ever going to like it. No, I don’t feel a need to listen, let alone to do what they think I should do. They get that. So why do they put any limit on what they tell me? Well, because the amount they tell me is the amount they ought to expect from me. Don’t talk if you aren’t willing to listen. Again: How is this so hard?

Had I become a Jew, that is what I would have had to face up to. I’d have to have told my parents that I was Jewish, that I was marrying a Jew, and that our children would be raised as Jews. They would have been astonished and upset, but at that point it could not be helped. Do not think I’ve never considered how that would play out.

Sure, there are families where someone does not get where their boundary ends and someone else’s begins, and relationships are cooled or even cut off. It does not have to be that way. Sometimes we are so afraid of the worst case scenario that we don’t even consider that a certain amount of deep disagreement can exist in a close relationship. You don’t know until you try. If everyone makes their own decisions and co-existing in peace is simply impossible, that is what you have to live with, as regrettable as that might be. At least you can look back and know you had the courage to do your best and to take the consequences you chose. That is the way it goes, sometimes. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.”

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Well, then, I guess you think I have no self-respect. So be it.

I practiced Judaism for several years and considered converting, but then came back to Catholicism. My parents never knew a thing about it. If I had told them, of course I would have expected them to see it as their duty to bring me back to the faith they raised me in. Did I go to Mass when I was with them? Sure, but I didn’t go to Communion…which is what my Jewish friends did, too. If anyone ever noticed, no one ever said a word about it.

I make other choices that my siblings and parents do not like, and they let me know it. I let them talk, then I do what I see fit. How is that so hard? Usually if I simply acknowledge that I see that they feel a duty to say these things, that is that. If I want to take a stance that is against my whole family, I don’t see why I shouldn’t have the courage to accept that they aren’t ever going to like it. No, I don’t feel a need to listen, let alone to do what they think I should do. They get that. So why do they put any limit on what they tell me? Well, because the amount they tell me is the amount they ought to expect from me. Don’t talk if you aren’t willing to listen. Again: How is this so hard?

Had I become a Jew, that is what I would have had to face up to. I’d have to have told my parents that I was Jewish, that I was marrying a Jew, and that our children would be raised as Jews. They would have been astonished and upset, but at that point it could not be helped. Do not think I’ve never considered how that would play out.

Sure, there are families where someone does not get where their boundary ends and someone else’s begins, and relationships are cooled or even cut off. It does not have to be that way. Sometimes we are so afraid of the worst case scenario that we don’t even consider that a certain amount of deep disagreement can exist in a close relationship. You don’t know until you try. If everyone makes their own decisions and co-existing in peace is simply impossible, that is what you have to live with, as regrettable as that might be. At least you can look back and know you had the courage to do your best and to take the consequences you chose. That is the way it goes, sometimes. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.”

Again, you don’t seem to see any grey area between complete and total acceptance and constant nagging, insulting, etc.

They don’t have to like it, they don’t have to take joy in it. But it is not the OPs responsibility to subject himself to lectures, and pleading, and nagging, and everything else every time he comes home for a holiday or calls them on the phone.

They can say how they feel, and he can acknowledge that he heard it and understands. But after that, he did not give them a “duty” to make everything about his sexuality. It would be completely understandable for him to choose to not have a relationship with his parents if all they want to do is harp on that. That isn’t a relationship, that’s just subjecting himself to the same humiliating routine over and over again.

You keep saying that he wants them to accept him fully. He hasn’t said that. What he has said is that he expects them to be able to have a relationship with the rest of him, as in who he is as a person, without it always coming back to the fact that he is gay and that is wrong.

If you had converted to Judaism and your family simply couldn’t accept it to the point where every time you tried to see or talk to your parents they started in on you about religion, you would give up eventually. Especially once you had a husband and kids to look after.

 

[JimG]

I worry that every phone call with my mother (who I speak to once a week on average) will involve some new protestation about homosexuality, that she will waste hours in adoration attempting to save my soul, that innumerable rosaries will be said for me, etc etc etc. I also expect Mom (and maybe Dad too, his reaction is harder to gauge) to have a sense of shame over it, because she lives in a Catholic bubble in which I am currently the source of great pride and will soon become unmentionable to her friends.

But would it be acceptable to you if your mother ‘wasted’ hours in adoration and prayer if she doesn’t tell you about it?

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m going to go ahead and make an educated guess that if your twins were 30 and one of them got married, got pregnant, had a child, and you didn’t find out that you had a grandchild until the kid was 3, you would be devastated, crushed, and the furthest thing from your mind would be respecting the privacy of your daughter and understanding that there are things she wouldn’t want to tell you.

There’s a difference between keeping things to yourself (my mom doesn’t know that I occasionally smoke cigarettes, and she certainly didn’t know about it when I was smoking a pack a day), and excluding your parents from your life and family by default.

Actually, I take the principle that a person’s information is their gift to give or not give a very long ways, not to mention the idea that people should not over-estimate their expectation of privacy to places it does not belong. When they tell me, they entrust me with a gift, they trust me with part of themselves. How I handle that trust is going to play out in what they trust me with in the future. But yes, there are boundaries: while I don’t see myself as being entitled to know the lives of others, not even my adult children (and to some extent, not even my teen children), I do expect it is my right to know what is going on in my own home, for example. I expect to know about everything for which I would be held legally responsible. I try to be as upfront as I can with my teens about where they can expect their privacy to be respected and where my duties and responsibilities will have to come first. They have been warned; I think that is only fair.

If my children have children and don’t tell me, I would have to own the truth that there was a reason I was not told, that my children were acting on expectations they got from my past behavior. One of the reasons my children still tell me things is that I allow them to have opinions I do not agree with. I let them know that when they grow up, their decisions will be their decisions, whether I like it or not. They know I can say my piece and then let a matter go when someone with their own right to make a decision makes a decision I don’t like. Still, there may be things they don’t tell me. Well fine, there were things I didn’t tell my parents, too. For example, I didn’t tell them about boyfriends until there was some possibility of a permanent relationship. Why? Because I could figure on fielding family questions about guys I brought home to meet my parents for several years after the break-up. I didn’t need that for every guy that I was still seeing after ten or twenty dates.

The OP’s mother does not have a good handle on her own emotions; by her past, she has taught him to expect certain things of her. Taking bad news with courage is not one of the things she has taught him to expect of her. Her reputation with her son is one of emotional fragility. That may be something she can help or something she cannot help, but that is what she has taught him to expect from her. She cannot blame him if he takes that into account when deciding what he will and will not tell her about his life, not any more than if it were her habit to have tantrums or to be verbally abusive when told what she does not want to hear.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Actually, I take the principle that a person’s information is their gift to give or not give a very long ways, not to mention the idea that people should not over-estimate their expectation of privacy to places it does not belong. When they tell me, they entrust me with a gift, they trust me with part of themselves. How I handle that trust is going to play out in what they trust me with in the future. But yes, there are boundaries: while I don’t see myself as being entitled to know the lives of others, not even my adult children (and to some extent, not even my teen children), I do expect it is my right to know what is going on in my own home, for example. I expect to know about everything for which I would be held legally responsible. I try to be as upfront as I can with my teens about where they can expect their privacy to be respected and where my duties and responsibilities will have to come first. They have been warned; I think that is only fair.

If my children have children and don’t tell me, I would have to own the truth that there was a reason I was not told, that my children were acting on expectations they got from my past behavior. One of the reasons my children still tell me things is that I allow them to have opinions I do not agree with. I let them know that when they grow up, their decisions will be their decisions, whether I like it or not. They know I can say my piece and then let a matter go when someone with their own right to make a decision makes a decision I don’t like. Still, there may be things they don’t tell me. Well fine, there were things I didn’t tell my parents, too. For example, I didn’t tell them about boyfriends until there was some possibility of a permanent relationship. Why? Because I could figure on fielding family questions about guys I brought home to meet my parents for several years after the break-up. I didn’t need that for every guy that I was still seeing after ten or twenty dates.

The OP’s mother does not have a good handle on her own emotions; by her past, she has taught him to expect certain things of her. Taking bad news with courage is not one of the things she has taught him to expect of her. Her reputation with her son is one of emotional fragility. That may be something she can help or something she cannot help, but that is what she has taught him to expect from her. She cannot blame him if he takes that into account when deciding what he will and will not tell her about his life, not any more than if it were her habit to have tantrums or to be verbally abusive when told what she does not want to hear.

I get where you’re coming from, I really do. But we are not in an ideal world. The OP has said that he loves his parents, and that he wants a relationship with them. Although his mom may be fragile or whatever the case may be, it would be an act of great love and kindness to make an effort to include them in his life. I would never, ever recommend that anyone does anything big like settle down or have kids without telling their parents, except in cases of abuse and other serious things of that nature.

This means that it’s going to have to be give and take. He’s going to have to put himself in a very vulnerable position, deal with some really unfavorable responses, and then everyone is going to have to move forward. That means that his parents cannot harp every time they see him, but that he will have to understand that deep down, they do wish he was different.

Ultimately though, I’ve seen a lot of people come out to very conservative and religious families. And frequently, after several years have passed, usually the parents come around. It usually takes time or the introduction of a partner that really hits it off with the family, but most people’s views on homosexuality soften when it stops being some big, ominous evil that happens to other people and starts being the way that the person they love most in the world is. Like I said though, not always. My family has opened up to include a gay friend of mine who doesn’t have a relationship with his parents because of the way they handle his orientation. But sometimes. And if the OP loves his parents and thinks that they could be close, it may be a risk he wants to take.

 

[EasterJoy]

Again, you don’t seem to see any grey area between complete and total acceptance and constant nagging, insulting, etc.

They don’t have to like it, they don’t have to take joy in it. But it is not the OPs responsibility to subject himself to lectures, and pleading, and nagging, and everything else every time he comes home for a holiday or calls them on the phone.

They can say how they feel, and he can acknowledge that he heard it and understands. But after that, he did not give them a “duty” to make everything about his sexuality. It would be completely understandable for him to choose to not have a relationship with his parents if all they want to do is harp on that. That isn’t a relationship, that’s just subjecting himself to the same humiliating routine over and over again.

You keep saying that he wants them to accept him fully. He hasn’t said that. What he has said is that he expects them to be able to have a relationship with the rest of him, as in who he is as a person, without it always coming back to the fact that he is gay and that is wrong.

If you had converted to Judaism and your family simply couldn’t accept it to the point where every time you tried to see or talk to your parents they started in on you about religion, you would give up eventually. Especially once you had a husband and kids to look after.

If he does not know the many ways there are to handle people who pester him with unsolicited advice and unwelcome personal information, it is high time that he learned. I have found that people can be taught where your boundaries are, if you enforce them. Not all, no. When someone proves that there can be no mutually-agreeable boundary between the two of you, then the relationship will cool or be broken and that cannot be helped.

I’m not saying that telling his parents about his choices won’t inevitably lead to a cooled relationship. I can’t guarantee that! For all I know, his mother will become an alcoholic and his dad will blame it on the son’s “disclosure”. What I’m saying is that it is not realistic to think that his parents will say nothing when he himself felt that he was “lying” by saying nothing. He can’t have his cake and eat it, too. Likewise, if he himself would think it unfair to pester his mother with news about his gay activism, of course it is fair for him to put the same kind of limits on what fraction of her communication is taken up by speech that he has let her know is entirely unwelcome. I’d add this: If he would not blame his parents if he became an alcoholic, as an example, he should not take the blame if his parents use him as an excuse to make poor decisions of their own. His decisions are his; theirs, likewise, are theirs.

These family boundaries can usually be arrived at by iteration. It takes generosity, but that is not such a high price to pay. All I am suggesting is that he give them as much room to be open with their morality as he is with his, and that he agree to let them refuse to change their stance when he is adamant that he be allowed to stick with his own. If he expects them to be quiet, he can take that as reason to give himself permission to be quiet. To be quiet is not to lie and to let someone else talk is not to give consent to what they say. That is a code that will let him look himself in the mirror.

 

[EasterJoy]

I get where you’re coming from, I really do. But we are not in an ideal world. The OP has said that he loves his parents, and that he wants a relationship with them. Although his mom may be fragile or whatever the case may be, it would be an act of great love and kindness to make an effort to include them in his life. I would never, ever recommend that anyone does anything big like settle down or have kids without telling their parents, except in cases of abuse and other serious things of that nature.

This means that it’s going to have to be give and take. He’s going to have to put himself in a very vulnerable position, deal with some really unfavorable responses, and then everyone is going to have to move forward. That means that his parents cannot harp every time they see him, but that he will have to understand that deep down, they do wish he was different.

Ultimately though, I’ve seen a lot of people come out to very conservative and religious families. And frequently, after several years have passed, usually the parents come around. It usually takes time or the introduction of a partner that really hits it off with the family, but most people’s views on homosexuality soften when it stops being some big, ominous evil that happens to other people and starts being the way that the person they love most in the world is. Like I said though, not always. My family has opened up to include a gay friend of mine who doesn’t have a relationship with his parents because of the way they handle his orientation. But sometimes. And if the OP loves his parents and thinks that they could be close, it may be a risk he wants to take.

Excuse me–is he adopting, and I missed it? Why should he be making today’s choices about something that can wait to be disclosed until it is actually set to happen?

If he wants to introduce his lover to his parents, it is no offense against them to do so! He has to warn the lover what that might bring, and get his consent, but there is nothing to keep him from disclosing whatever he wants about his life to his parents, provided he is willing to take the consequences. My point is that he gets to choose what to tell them. He does not get to choose their reaction. If he puts boundaries on them that he would feel violate his own integrity when put on himself, that’s just hypocritical. Be open, and live with the consequences, or else live with the consequences of disclosing whatever you choose to disclose. Don’t try to have your cake and eat it, too. He does have a choice, but he cannot have it all.

My concern for the OP is that he seems to think he is lying to his parents by not telling them something that they won’t want to hear and that he won’t feel inclined to let them respond to with all the openness he showed in telling them. No. If you tell, accept that you do not control the response. If you do not tell, be willing to defend your choice to keep your privacy. That is no lie.

 

[EasterJoy]

Another thing to consider: Sometimes parents do not ask because they do not want the answer. It is OK to tell parents truths about yourself that they don’t want to hear, but it is no offense against the truth to read between the lines and agree to stay off topics that no one wants to broach. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor…that is OK.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Excuse me–is he adopting, and I missed it? Why should he be making today’s choices about something that can wait to be disclosed until it is actually set to happen?

If he wants to introduce his lover to his parents, it is no offense against them to do so! He has to warn the lover what that might bring, and get his consent, but there is nothing to keep him from disclosing whatever he wants about his life to his parents, provided he is willing to take the consequences. My point is that he gets to choose what to tell them. He does not get to choose their reaction. If he puts boundaries on them that he would feel violate his own integrity when put on himself, that’s just hypocritical. Be open, and live with the consequences, or else live with the consequences of disclosing whatever you choose to disclose. Don’t try to have your cake and eat it, too. He does have a choice, but he cannot have it all.

My concern for the OP is that he seems to think he is lying to his parents by not telling them something that they won’t want to hear and that he won’t feel inclined to let them respond to with all the openness he showed in telling them. No. If you tell, accept that you do not control the response. If you do not tell, be willing to defend your choice to keep your privacy. That is no lie.

When did he ever say that? He has acknowledged that they will have strong, complicated feelings, and said that he could move past it.

Of course he feels like he is lying! But telling his parents, allowing them to have their feelings and then say what they need to say before moving on is not hypocritical. It would be hypocritical if all he wanted to talk about were gay pride events, activism, etc. But if he just tells them he’s gay and everyone moves on until the day comes when the OP is ready to settle down with a family, then there is no reason that his parents should get to keep bringing it up.

He does have a right to tell them, hear them out, and then say he’s done hearing it. That’s perfectly fine. Heck, my husband and I have used that one a time or two when telling his family things that they don’t want to hear that would hurt them. When we moved in together we heard his mom out, but then moved on. If she had brought it up we would have told her “We appreciate your concern but we know your feelings on the matter”. The OP has every right to do the same.

 

[St_Francis]

Thanks again, all, for feedback.

EasterJoy & St. Francis, you may be right that I have unreasonable expectations about the level of silence I can win from my parents, and I might have to accept low-level conflict on this point into perpetuity. However, I do think BlueEyedLady is correct when she notes that the truth will come out inevitably. Telling them is a question of when and how, not if. Some members of my extended family already know (cousins), and it is probable that if I don’t tell them, sooner or later someone else will.

St. Francis, the reason I lie to my mother about going to Mass is that if I said I wasn’t attending, she would ask why, and while there are many reasons for that, this is the big one. She’s not the type to take “I don’t want to tell you why” for an answer.

I can understand that. And you may have to start setting boundaries–every adult comes to the point where they have to separate from their parents, even when it doesn’t involve the types of issues this does. You do not owe her an explanation or justification, but it is necessary for you to stop lying to her, both on moral grounds and for your own personal peace.

So my advice is to go through the issue of your Mass attendance, then, when it’s appropriate if ever, tell them the rest. It will be easier to “practice” setting boundaries on this issue than the other.

OTOH, since your mother is being soooo insistent about things, maybe what another poster mentioned is the case–that they already have suspicions. When you talk with her about Mass, maybe she will say that she has suspected this and ask you something different than what you expect.

You can’t possibly be prepared for every eventuality, but maybe you should be prepared to excuse yourself if they throw you a curveball. It can be something as simple as remembering that you can excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, even if it’s only to pull yourself together. Parents can surprise us.

 

[EasterJoy]

When did he ever say that? He has acknowledged that they will have strong, complicated feelings, and said that he could move past it.

Of course he feels like he is lying! But telling his parents, allowing them to have their feelings and then say what they need to say before moving on is not hypocritical. It would be hypocritical if all he wanted to talk about were gay pride events, activism, etc. But if he just tells them he’s gay and everyone moves on until the day comes when the OP is ready to settle down with a family, then there is no reason that his parents should get to keep bringing it up.

He does have a right to tell them, hear them out, and then say he’s done hearing it. That’s perfectly fine. Heck, my husband and I have used that one a time or two when telling his family things that they don’t want to hear that would hurt them. When we moved in together we heard his mom out, but then moved on. If she had brought it up we would have told her “We appreciate your concern but we know your feelings on the matter”. The OP has every right to do the same.

Of course he has a right to tell them. Of course he can tell them because it feels like lying, whether or not it actually is lying. My point is that if all he needs is reassurance that discretion is not deceit, he then he ought to feel reassured that continuing his silence is an ethical option. If he were to maintain his silence and then be “caught” with the truth, he could rightly feel that his personal information was regrettably made known to someone from whom he would rather have kept it private, but not that he did wrong by keeping his own secrets. He need not feel he was “caught in a lie”, no matter what his parents or his peers might have to say about it! Both groups can just butt out!! The right to keep one’s own counsel does not get nearly enough defense these days, IMHO. I think people who feel it their duty to “out” other people’s personal information, whether sexual or not, are destructive and profoundly disrespectful busybodies who ought to shut up and mind their own business. “Out” the one who is being a hypocrite, who is criticizing others for doing what that one does himself, but otherwise let others have their own information.

I’ve been in the situation, and I didn’t feel I was lying. I felt I was maintaining my privacy and keeping my parents innocent of something that would upset them but that they couldn’t change. If I were a lesbian, I’d say it was my right to tell whoever I chose and to keep that information private from whomever I chose. There are a very few people who have a right to information about sexual orientation, whether the orientation is homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual.

 

[St_Francis]

Think about the long term implications of that though. As a parent, would you really never want to know? What if he ends up marrying and building a home with someone? You wouldn’t want to know? What should he do when his parents visit? What if he has kids someday? Should his parents never be told of their grandchildren? Yeah, telling them will hurt everyone. But this is about more than sex. If he just liked having random sex with strange men, I would agree with you. But his orientation will affect the type of family he eventually has. I think his parents deserve a shot at being a part of that family.

My problem with his telling them as he described, or as I gathered from what he said, was that he seemed to want it to go a certain way or he would cut off their relationship and he seemed to want to tell them more because it is expected among his peers than that it was necessary for some reason related to his parents or their relationship.

 

[tektonik]

Hey,

I’m 24, and for the last year and a half I have lived openly as gay man to everyone except my family, who reside 1000 miles from where I live and work.

My childhood household was very devout and I worry that the news will come as a shock to my father and especially to my mother, who (for lack of a better term) seems emotionally weak and liable to be devastated when she hears that her son has traded Mass for a boyfriend.

I do want to preserve a relationship with my parents because I love them, but if they refuse to let this matter rest, or make demands, I will walk out of their lives.

I’d like to tell them soon and am thinking of doing it when I fly home for Christmas, although that means I’d be “ruining Christmas” for my parents. Alternatively I could ignore the problem, as I have for years up until this point.

How do I make this easy on everyone? If I was your son, how would you want me to tell you? Appreciate your thoughts.

You may not like my post, but I will go there.

First, you say you are living as an openly gay man… does this mean you are promoting your sinful lifestyle? I am heterosexual and have problems with lust, but I DO NOT promote my lustful desires and tell all my friends “yep, I lust after women,that’s just who I am!” No. I realize it is a sin and I work on fighting my temptations. It does get easier with time, but you have to try. Plenty of people want to be authentic Catholics and plenty live like angels in the midst of this world. Why not you?

Second, you may not realize what you’re saying, but you basically said: If my parents don’t accept and tolerate my sin, I will burn bridges with my parents and ruin their Christmas. Your duty is to honor your parents, no matter who they are, and Christmas is about Christ, not about you.

Third, you don’t have to tell your parents. You need to fight your temptations and choose Christ. I know it’s easier to deny God’s existence and live in sin. But when you are judged… you denied God and you lived in sin, where do you expect to go?

I’d tell my parents, because those rosaries will help. Just because you have no spiritual foresight, does not make you right. For all you know your soul may be blacker than night so obviously the things of the spirit will make no sense to you. You either tell your parents you’re gay and you will continue being gay and on the road to hell, or you follow Christ. We should pray for your mom and the suffering you are going to put her through with your conscious decision to choose sin/flesh/hell over Christ. God have mercy on you.

 

[Corki]

I greatly appreciate everyone’s feedback.

Several people have commented on this so I should clarify - I’m not expecting them to endorse me or my preferences, but I do require them to keep quiet about it. I know I’ll have to deal with some pleading initially, yes. But if every encounter with my family becomes an exhortation to “return to God,” or an attempt to coerce the same, I will cut them off because my decisions are not theirs to make. Obviously I want this process to go smoothly and quickly so that can be avoided.

I worry that every phone call with my mother (who I speak to once a week on average) will involve some new protestation about homosexuality, that she will waste hours in adoration attempting to save my soul, that innumerable rosaries will be said for me, etc etc etc. I also expect Mom (and maybe Dad too, his reaction is harder to gauge) to have a sense of shame over it, because she lives in a Catholic bubble in which I am currently the source of great pride and will soon become unmentionable to her friends.

In response to questions about why I should tell them at all - well, I guess I could continue to ignore the problem, but it is expected that gay men tell their parents, and in addition to that social pressure I’m just tired of lying all the time. “Did you go to Mass this morning?” “Yes Mom” - even though I did not.

The reason I’m asking about this matter here is that I imagine that many of you are quite like my parents, so it seemed like a good place to ask.

You are an adult and you have the right to make your own decisions, even wrong ones.

Your parents will always be your parents and you owe them some respect. You do not have the right to tell your mother how to pray or who to pray for. You do have the right to tell her (after a reasonable amount of discussion) that you don’t want to talk about it any more.

You have the right to expect your parents to welcome you and continue to love you as their son. You do not have the right to demand that they approve of your choices or to welcome your partners into their home.

As a son, you should be considerate of their feelings and break this news in the gentlest way possible. You know them (and yourself) best. Will a face-to-face meeting be the easiest or would a letter be easier for them? Frankly, unless you are expecting a violent reaction, it isn’t important what’s easiest for you. You have already acted and now you have an obligation to inflict as little pain as possible on the two people who love you the most in the world.

 

[Annie39]

Hey,

I’m 24, and for the last year and a half I have lived openly as gay man to everyone except my family, who reside 1000 miles from where I live and work.

My childhood household was very devout and I worry that the news will come as a shock to my father and especially to my mother, who (for lack of a better term) seems emotionally weak and liable to be devastated when she hears that her son has traded Mass for a boyfriend.

I do want to preserve a relationship with my parents because I love them, but if they refuse to let this matter rest, or make demands, I will walk out of their lives.

I’d like to tell them soon and am thinking of doing it when I fly home for Christmas, although that means I’d be “ruining Christmas” for my parents. Alternatively I could ignore the problem, as I have for years up until this point.

How do I make this easy on everyone? If I was your son, how would you want me to tell you? Appreciate your thoughts.

I didn’t read the other replies yet but as a mom of 3 adult “boys” (the youngest is 35) I’d like to make this comment after I quote you “if they refuse to let this matter rest, or make demands, I will walk out of their lives.” If you were my son and you told me that I’d say bye-bye. Two of my sons married out of the church. I didn’t attend either wedding. If either one of them said that if I didn’t go to that wedding he would walk out of our lives I would have said bye-bye to him. I’m wondering what either one of them did to you that would cause you to think that being cruel to them is a good thing. Now I’ll read the other replies.

 

[Annie39]

Let us say you decide you want to tell them. Let us say you feel it is a self-betrayal to not tell them.

If you have a very discrete godparent or a close relative you can confide in or if you know how to reach a long-time pastor of your parents, consider consulting them for insights into your parents. Considering your assessment of your mother, I’d ask that you consider telling your father alone first. Ask him guidance about a) whether to tell your mom, b) how to tell your mom, and c) when to tell your mom. I think it will go better if you can at least tell your two parents separately, one on one, because they will not have to concern themselves with how the other one is reacting. They’ll each be able to have their own reaction, their own response. You won’t have the awkward situation of the three of you “sitting down together” for what they will be able to surmise is some sort of a bombshell.

I don’t have a lot of patience for the “you’ve ruined my _________” response, like the person who will accuse you of ruining an entire weekend because you dared to have a quarrel with them on Sunday night. Still, that is a very real prospect. If your parents are in the habit of running that kind of a guilt trip, let them go on that trip alone. Tell them either while you still have the option of changing your Christmas plans entirely or else shortly before you leave to go home. Your news might not “ruin Christmas” for them, but the way they decide to handle it could ruin a lot of hours of a lot of days for you. You do not have to put yourself in harm’s way, and it is probably better for everyone to deny others a chance to treat you badly. You can thank yourself for all the things that were never said and that no one is later able to forget were said.

This sort of response is why I didn’t read what others wrote before I wrote mine. This is sad. Guilt trip, indeed.

 

[Annie39]

You may not like my post, but I will go there.

First, you say you are living as an openly gay man… does this mean you are promoting your sinful lifestyle? I am heterosexual and have problems with lust, but I DO NOT promote my lustful desires and tell all my friends “yep, I lust after women,that’s just who I am!” No. I realize it is a sin and I work on fighting my temptations. It does get easier with time, but you have to try. Plenty of people want to be authentic Catholics and plenty live like angels in the midst of this world. Why not you?

Second, you may not realize what you’re saying, but you basically said: If my parents don’t accept and tolerate my sin, I will burn bridges with my parents and ruin their Christmas. Your duty is to honor your parents, no matter who they are, and Christmas is about Christ, not about you.

Third, you don’t have to tell your parents. You need to fight your temptations and choose Christ. I know it’s easier to deny God’s existence and live in sin. But when you are judged… you denied God and you lived in sin, where do you expect to go?

I’d tell my parents, because those rosaries will help. Just because you have no spiritual foresight, does not make you right. For all you know your soul may be blacker than night so obviously the things of the spirit will make no sense to you. You either tell your parents you’re gay and you will continue being gay and on the road to hell, or you follow Christ. We should pray for your mom and the suffering you are going to put her through with your conscious decision to choose sin/flesh/hell over Christ. God have mercy on you.

I would be proud to call you son. I have a recommedation for you. You can ask your mom to say many prayers for you without telling her what your struggles are. I once knew a man with same sex attraction. He knew that giving in to his temptation would be sinful and he fought it constantly. I was happy to be his friend.

 

[KrazyKat]

I didn’t read the other replies yet but as a mom of 3 adult “boys” (the youngest is 35) I’d like to make this comment after I quote you “if they refuse to let this matter rest, or make demands, I will walk out of their lives.” If you were my son and you told me that I’d say bye-bye. Two of my sons married out of the church. I didn’t attend either wedding. If either one of them said that if I didn’t go to that wedding he would walk out of our lives I would have said bye-bye to him. I’m wondering what either one of them did to you that would cause you to think that being cruel to them is a good thing. Now I’ll read the other replies.

Amen.

 

[skigirl1689]

I really don’t see the point in telling one’s parents something that you know is bound to hurt them, especially about one’s sex life, which is a personal matter.

Given this world of info, etc. the truth is bound to come out, sooner or later. Believe me, it has in my own family. Just a couple weeks ago one of my parents’ aunts’ died and the obit confirmed my parent’s cousin was gay as the obit listed the cousin’s spouse. A quick google search confirmed the spouse was of the same sex. My parent was shocked. Lots of hurt resulted. I cannot imagine if a parent found out such info secondhand. Please think about this.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I didn’t read the other replies yet but as a mom of 3 adult “boys” (the youngest is 35) I’d like to make this comment after I quote you “if they refuse to let this matter rest, or make demands, I will walk out of their lives.” If you were my son and you told me that I’d say bye-bye. Two of my sons married out of the church. I didn’t attend either wedding. If either one of them said that if I didn’t go to that wedding he would walk out of our lives I would have said bye-bye to him. I’m wondering what either one of them did to you that would cause you to think that being cruel to them is a good thing. Now I’ll read the other replies.

If you go on to read he makes it clear that he doesn’t want every phone call or visit to be another long, emotional conversation where they beg him to change or remind him that he’s going to hell. I assume that you don’t revolve every single conversation around your sons’ invalid marriages?

I also have to wonder if you would fight a bit harder for a relationship with your children than you make it sound. If they told you that they were cutting you out of their lives, and you knew that meant no more relationship with them or your future grandchildren, I bet you’d try harder. I know that I would!