I'm gay. How do I tell my parents?

[Annie39]

Excuse me–is he adopting, and I missed it? Why should he be making today’s choices about something that can wait to be disclosed until it is actually set to happen?

If he wants to introduce his lover to his parents, it is no offense against them to do so! He has to warn the lover what that might bring, and get his consent, but there is nothing to keep him from disclosing whatever he wants about his life to his parents, provided he is willing to take the consequences. My point is that he gets to choose what to tell them. He does not get to choose their reaction. If he puts boundaries on them that he would feel violate his own integrity when put on himself, that’s just hypocritical. Be open, and live with the consequences, or else live with the consequences of disclosing whatever you choose to disclose. Don’t try to have your cake and eat it, too. He does have a choice, but he cannot have it all.

My concern for the OP is that he seems to think he is lying to his parents by not telling them something that they won’t want to hear and that he won’t feel inclined to let them respond to with all the openness he showed in telling them. No. If you tell, accept that you do not control the response. If you do not tell, be willing to defend your choice to keep your privacy. That is no lie.

Holy cow, if this were my son I’d say please do me and yourself a favor and DO NOT introduce me to your “lover”. The result would not be pretty.

 

[Annie39]

If you go on to read he makes it clear that he doesn’t want every phone call or visit to be another long, emotional conversation where they beg him to change or remind him that he’s going to hell. I assume that you don’t revolve every single conversation around your sons’ invalid marriages?

I also have to wonder if you would fight a bit harder for a relationship with your children than you make it sound. If they told you that they were cutting you out of their lives, and you knew that meant no more relationship with them or your future grandchildren, I bet you’d try harder. I know that I would!

No actually I would not try harder. Every now and again I mention that I wishe that they would return home. But I would not miss the so called “grandchildren” they have given me. I dislike dogs and cats and am infuriated when one of my son’s or his wife refer to me as grandma to their cats.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

No actually I would not try harder. Every now and again I mention that I wishe that they would return home. But I would not miss the so called “grandchildren” they have given me. I dislike dogs and cats and am infuriated when one of my son’s or his wife refer to me as grandma to their cats.

That’s too bad. If any of my immediate family members told me that they were cutting me out, I would do whatever I could to preserve even a distant relationship. Whatever disagreement or issue we had, I would want to find a way to move past it. My parents, brother, nieces, and family in general just means too much to me. I can’t imagine that when I have kids I wouldn’t fight the hardest for them.

 

[Annie39]

They don’t have to “accept [my] sinfulness.” They have to accept the part of me that is everything but that (i.e., most of me) and let the gay-thing rest. They have to “accept” reality and come to terms with that reality (their son is gay, will not be a priest, will not be chaste, will not pray his way straight); I’m not saying they have to like it.

Also yes, I face social pressure to tell them, and that is a selfish reason. But I also am tired of lying to them. What am I supposed to say when my Mom asks about Mass this morning, or reminds me about a Holy Day of Obligation? I could keep lying to her for the next forty years, but that doesn’t seem right.

I find it interesting that you are more concerned with lying than living in sin. If you abandoned your morals on such a biggie why do you have scruples about a little lying?

 

[JimG]

Given this world of info, etc. the truth is bound to come out, sooner or later. Believe me, it has in my own family. Just a couple weeks ago one of my parents’ aunts’ died and the obit confirmed my parent’s cousin was gay as the obit listed the cousin’s spouse. A quick google search confirmed the spouse was of the same sex. My parent was shocked. Lots of hurt resulted. I cannot imagine if a parent found out such info secondhand. Please think about this.

Well, if it’s bound to come out, then perhaps the parents should be told about it sooner rather than later. It wasn’t clear from the original post whether the OP was in a permanent of temporary relationship. One needn’t tell one’s parents about every temporary relationship one has. The parents are going to be hurt whether they find out sooner or they find out later.

For some reason I had some co-workers who told me about every conceivable kind of sexual relationship although it was none of my business. I wasn’t their parent so it didn’t matter. I kind of miss ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ It seems to me the world could use a little more reticence as to personal sexual matters.

 

[St_Francis]

That’s too bad. If any of my immediate family members told me that they were cutting me out, I would do whatever I could to preserve even a distant relationship. Whatever disagreement or issue we had, I would want to find a way to move past it. My parents, brother, nieces, and family in general just means too much to me. I can’t imagine that when I have kids I wouldn’t fight the hardest for them.

Wow, I just have this vision of a child of mine coming and saying she’s an assasin and needs a place to hide out and stash her equipment… if it bothers me, she’ll never speak to me again…

Yes, we do what we can to maintain relationships, but there are certain areas in which there can be no compromise and if the other person does not accept that and chooses to leave, hey, I don’t really feel like being emotionally blackmailed! I’ll tell her i love her and will be happy to see her when she’s ready to come back, but I’m not going to compromise those things which are important to me *if they choose to cut off contact. *

 

[David011]

Kolya111,

Well first of all if your mother is anything like the poster that said she would walk out of their child’s lives for this type of thing, I truly wish you the best. I can’t give much advice on this because I guess I just don’t have that Catholic mentality and at this point I don’t even know why I was striving to get it. After seeing what Annie39 posted, it’s definitely not worth it. I just found out my second child will be a baby boy. If 24 years from now he were to come tell me he was gay, I’d be overjoyed at the fact that he loves and trusts his parents enough to let them know. It would be something to get used to but I would never shut the door on my own child. My parents and in laws are “those” type of Catholics and it was kind of tough letting them know my wife and I weren’t getting married in the church but in the end it was easier to get it over with.

There’s a time and place for things like this so I suggest being gentle and calm with them about it. It’ll definitely take time and there will be a lot of strain but if they love you just an ounce they will keep their part in making things work. Just try to understand where they’re coming from with all the prayers and rosaries. It’s just who they are.

I truly and wholeheartedly wish you the best with all of this.

 

[David011]

Kolya111,

Well first of all if your mother is anything like the poster that said she would walk out of their child’s lives for this type of thing, I truly wish you the best. I can’t give much advice on this because I guess I just don’t have that Catholic mentality and at this point I don’t even know why I was striving to get it. After seeing what Annie39 posted, it’s definitely not worth it. I just found out my second child will be a baby boy. If 24 years from now he were to come tell me he was gay, I’d be overjoyed at the fact that he loves and trusts his parents enough to let them know. It would be something to get used to but I would never shut the door on my own child. My parents and in laws are “those” type of Catholics and it was kind of tough letting them know my wife and I weren’t getting married in the church but in the end it was easier to get it over with.

There’s a time and place for things like this so I suggest being gentle and calm with them about it. It’ll definitely take time and there will be a lot of strain but if they love you just an ounce they will keep their part in making things work. Just try to understand where they’re coming from with all the prayers and rosaries. It’s just who they are.

I truly and wholeheartedly wish you the best with all of this.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

God bless you,

Perhaps it is time to back up a little?

Take a deep breath…you are 24 years old and your mother still asks you if you are attending Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation? I know this is off-topic but this part of your post really struck me. Dear one in my humble opinion your mother is, well, out-of-line.

(…)

FWIW that’s the part that made me wonder if she knows. Unless she fusses about every other little thing she’s asking him in a roundabout, indirect way. If I’m right just because she “knows” doesn’t mean this will be easy.

To the OP: I’m not sure you really meant you will walk out of your parents lives , but were just trying to convey how strongly you feel. If you did mean it I hope you will rethink that part.

 

[Rau]

… I can’t give much advice on this because I guess I just don’t have that **Catholic mentality **and at this point I don’t even know why I was striving to get it. After seeing what Annie39 posted, it’s definitely not worth it…

What is it that you think is a “Catholic mentality” - that is, a way of thinking that is characteristic of Catholics? How have you arrived at that understanding?

 

[St_Francis]

Kolya111,

Well first of all if your mother is anything like the poster that said she would walk out of their child’s lives for this type of thing, I truly wish you the best.

What Annie said was that if her child said to her that he would walk on her, she would say, fine, go. She said this in response to the OP’s saying that if his parents were going to bug him, he would cut contact with them, which is very different from rejecting because he is homosexual, no?

 

[David011]

What is it that you think is a “Catholic mentality” - that is, a way of thinking that is characteristic of Catholics? How have you arrived at that understanding?

From observations made by reading the answers on this forum, Catholic blogs, and church catechism.

 

[David011]

What Annie said was that if her child said to her that he would walk on her, she would say, fine, go. She said this in response to the OP’s saying that if his parents were going to bug him, he would cut contact with them, which is very different from rejecting because he is homosexual, no?

I still stand by my belief that if any parent is willing to say “bye bye” to their child, then maybe perhaps that child is better off with out that so called parent. Especially if this argument is over something as silly as sexual orientation or what church they’re getting married in. Also, constantly bugging someone over their sexual orientation clearly isn’t acceptance which is what the OP is asking for. His parents don’t have to like the fact that he’s gay, he just doesn’t want or need their lecturing on church teachings.

 

[holyrood]

Kolya, before I give any answer, I would like to know why you came to a Catholic forum to ask such a question. Surely you didn’t expect to get feedback approving of homosexual behavior? There must be a reason you came here instead of asking at any of the thousands of forums that would support this lifestyle, although you call yourself agnostic.

 

[EasterJoy]

His parents are Catholic and he is wondering how to handle this. He did not ask what anyone thought of his life choices. He asked how to handle the issue of whether and how to disclose those choices to his parents.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

I don’t know. I just know that the saints…of Fatima…ALL had a vision of hell as one of the key elements of the experience. Then, we had St. Faustina…likewise, had a vision of hell. St. John Bosco…had his kids at his orphanage, and he also had a vision of hell. He was actually told to touch the outermost wall of it. He was told that if he truly wanted to help young people entrusted to his care, he MUST do this!

The guide forced him to, and the skin of his hand fell off, even in real life.

Even MORE saints than that have had visions of hell! So, though some may feel this is not helpful, God seemed to disagree.

Well no doubt God has His own reasons for showing certain people visions of Hell. It just seems to me that saying “do what the Church says or you’ll go to Hell” isn’t likely to work on this OP.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

I still stand by my belief that if any parent is willing to say “bye bye” to their child, then maybe perhaps that child is better off with out that so called parent. Especially if this argument is over something as** silly **as sexual orientation or what church they’re getting married in. Also, constantly bugging someone over their sexual orientation clearly isn’t acceptance which is what the OP is asking for. His parents don’t have to like the fact that he’s gay, he just doesn’t want or need their lecturing on church teachings.

If you genuinely believe that a person’s eternal fate is affected by these issues, however, it wouldn’t seem silly at all.

 

[Rau]

From observations made by reading the answers on this forum, Catholic blogs, and church catechism.

Ok, that’s the “from where”, but what is the “catholic mentality” to which you refer? Please elaborate.

 

[Rau]

…Especially if this argument is over something as silly as sexual orientation…

Is “sexual orientation” (and a decision to engage in homosexual relations) a silly issue over which to have family conflict (in a Catholic family, mind you)…?..

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Is “sexual orientation” (and a decision to engage in homosexual relations) a silly issue over which to have family conflict (in a Catholic family, mind you)…?..

Yes. Adults are adults. The Bible says we should remove the immoral believer from Church, not that we should ostracize them. (Even the passage from Paul that is often translated “do not have anything to do with such people” is mistranslated and doesn’t mean that).

Now, I don’t think there’s a problem with making it clear where we stand on a moral issue. But it will not be beneficial to anyone to harp on the issue. Have you ever seen a person convert because another person nags them?

The one exception is this: prayer. I think it’s fine to tell an actively gay child that you are praying for them – not that God would make them straight, but that God’s will might be done in their life, and that God might lead them to holiness.

We ought to remember that Jesus had his harshest words for hypocrites, not for overt sinners. So we should not blithely assume that we are not worse sinners than even those who blatantly violate God’s law.