I'm gay. How do I tell my parents?

[shainski]

Koyla,

First, I do want to say that it’s good that you are asking the question - and, I think, you are brave to be confronting a crowd that may be hostile to you.

I’ve read the numerous posts here, and it is clear that there is a number of ways that this could go. You know your parents better than anyone else - and you are equipped better to understand how they will react.

But, let me give you this. You have had a lot of time to come to terms with your own sexuality. It probably wasn’t easy for you to come to terms with it - and you probably had years of denial. (I don’t know this to be true, but I know that it is true of many).

So when the time comes to deal with your own parents - you have to give them the benefit of time to come to terms with it. The reaction will likely not be one of acceptance. (And I’m guessing that you, yourself, were not so accepting of it at first). Yes, they may beg you to come back - they may pray over you. Give them whatever means they need to come to terms with it.

But do not give them an ultimatum. Do not threaten to walk out on them if they do not (or cannot) give you anything less than full approval and acceptance. They may need time - maybe lots of time. They will view your lifestyle as something that they somehow failed.

I think EasterJoy’s and BlueEyed’s advice to be thoughtful and sound (even though they were not on the same side of all their correspondence). I think talking to one parent at a time may be the best advice. I think finding a confidence in a priest or aunt or uncle - may give you insight in the best approach.

As you can see by these replies - there is no one way to do this - and there is no one way it will be received. Some would walk out on you. Some would be in denial. Some would do everything they could to change you. And some would accept you just as you are. I can’t begin to predict how your own parents will react.

Certainly, if you feel that now is the time to do this - wait until close to the end of your visit. Warn them that you need to talk to them (or one of them) seriously. And them tell them.

If every conversation with your mother goes as you fear - then you will have to level with her. “Mom, I love you, but I do not want to spend every conversation with you on this subject. If you can’t talk to me about other things, then I will have to end the call.” (and do it). Don’t threaten to terminate all contact with them unless they give you 100% acceptance.

My children are too young to have these kind of issues to deal with right now. But if the time comes, I would want them to be truthful with me. And if they felt that they couldn’t be, I would want them to talk to their mother - and have her guide them on how to break it to me.

I can tell that this whole issue is a burning one inside of you. I don’t think that you can simply put it on the back burner and pretend it doesn’t exist.

 

[St_Francis]

You did so after you edited the post. I responded before you edited the post.

My apologies

I wasn’t defending it, only saying that it wasn’t blackmail.

No, I think this is a flawed and dangerous understanding of parenting – though certainly an understandable one. My child owes me nothing, when it comes to deciding what is best for the way they live their life. To see this clearly, imagine a Orthodox Jewish son who becomes Christian, and his family disowns him. Surely he does not owe them the courtesy of living his entire life as a Jew, simply because his parents are good people who raised him in a loving family.

I think human kindness and respect–honor thy parents?-- means that a child does owe his parents good, strong attempts to work out the situation within the relationship. I’m not saying anyone should make decisions based on what one’s parents think; one should make decisions based on other criteria. However, having made a decision with which the parents disagree, i think the child should not break off the relationship just because the parents are not hunky-dory about it.

Now, wrt Orthodox Jewish parents breaking off a relationship with their child who converts to Christianity… the parents are the ones breaking it off, right? So this is a totally different thing.

The real question here is about whether homosexual activity lends itself to human flourishing. Catholics think it doesn’t; active homosexuals think it does. From a Catholic perspective, Kolya’s error may be far more of an intellectual error than a moral one.

So no, I think Kolya owes them human decency and filial respect, but not deference to their views in any way, shape or form.

Yes, I agree that the child gets to set boundaries. I’m just defending Annie’s comment and my agreement with her comment that in the case of the child’s decision to leave because of a lack of agreement (not some sort of abusive reaction) with the child’s decision, the parent doesn’t have to give up his or her principles.

IOW, if my child told me something like this, I would still love my child and do what i could to maintain a relationship. But I would not *be supportive of the sin. *For example, suppose my daughter left her husband and wanted to date–I would not babysit for her while she did that. But if my daughter became pregnant outside of marriage, I would support her *in the pregnancy and motherhood, *but i would not give her money to set up an apartment with the father in a co-habitating situation.

And if my child said to me, well, if you don’t do that for me, I will cut off my relationship with you, then what? I am supposed to enable my daughter in sinful behavior? No.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

No worries, my mistake. You are much too kind.

If I may pry, do you keep to the rules of the Church, or is it a “separate peace” situation?

Well, I am attracted to women too, though to a lesser extent, so our situations might not be entirely parallel.

But to answer your question, I am living by Church teaching, though it is difficult. I am married actually, and I have five kids. My wife is my greatest intimate, and she is neither shocked nor appalled that I am attracted to men. I’ve found that I really do appreciate spending a lot of my time in close friendships with other men, but none of these friendships are sexual. I really do need love from men, but I don’t need sex from them.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

IOW, if my child told me something like this, I would still love my child and do what i could to maintain a relationship. But I would not *be supportive of the sin. *For example, suppose my daughter left her husband and wanted to date–I would not babysit for her while she did that. But if my daughter became pregnant outside of marriage, I would support her *in the pregnancy and motherhood, *but i would not give her money to set up an apartment with the father in a co-habitating situation.

And if my child said to me, well, if you don’t do that for me, I will cut off my relationship with you, then what? I am supposed to enable my daughter in sinful behavior? No.

I agree with all of this. I only think that we shouldn’t assume that, since there is a disagreement, “I am right and you are wrong”. We need to listen, and listening means being wrong sometimes. If our faith becomes a sacred cow that prevents us from listening, we need to slaughter that cow.

But since Christ calls us to a living, listening faith, we can trust that, wherever God leads us when we listen and love one another, He will be there to show us the way.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I think he means you have chosen to engage in gay sexual relationships.

No, that’s not what I meant. I clarified this above.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Actually, we don’t know what level of “struggle” the OP has gone through. Sure, he has no doubt struggled when his initial SSA became apparent, and with the idea of coming out, but he does does not reveal any history of struggling against his temptations. He does tell us he has embraced them, and won’t countenance much in the way of objection from his parents.

You don’t think hiding your deepest longings and your most shame-filled behaviors is a big struggle?

 

[EasterJoy]

I saw that his parents are Catholic. I just don’t see what he thinks he’s going to hear from Catholics about telling them, that’s going to help in any way. He already knows his parents aren’t going to be thrilled, and I’m not sure what any Catholic is going to tell him to change that. So I’m wondering what he’s hoping to gain by asking the question here?

Maybe reassurance that there’s hope he won’t lose his relationship with them?

I think he was hoping that someone else with Catholic parents had been through this or something similar and might have some insights from their experience that could possibly apply to his. He feels like he’s going into a dark basement, I’m sure. It makes it easier if you can hear from those who went down and came back, even if it is to hear what you want to be careful not to bang your shins on.

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually, we don’t know what level of “struggle” the OP has gone through. Sure, he has no doubt struggled when his initial SSA became apparent, and with the idea of coming out, but he does does not reveal any history of struggling against his temptations. He does tell us he has embraced them, and won’t countenance much in the way of objection from his parents.

He has not said he gave in without any struggle, and so charity requires us to assume that he did in fact consult his conscience and do his best. No, he is not making the moral choice of a well-formed conscience with the strength of virtue to do the right. From an objective standpoint, he’s doing the wrong thing ,and he knows the Church teaches this. He may be doing far less than he could, this is possible, we can’t know.

Still, if he in fact doing his best or is even doing rather well with the conscience and store of grace he has been given, he will be less culpable than those of us who did only somewhat better when the Lord who knows our hearts could tell us we had much more grace and far weaker temptations to deal with than this young man did.

 

[Peter_J]

agree totally. I have six adult children and several adult grandchildren. I have no wish to discuss any of their sex lives at all. Period. In my view, what the OP expresses shows his own angst and conflict about his choices. He is looking for people to be cheerleaders for him in his own bad choices. he definitely has a conscience and **knows that what he is choosing to do is wrong in the eyes of God **and against God.

I just have to say “wow”, because I cannot believe that you would make that presumption.

 

[Rau]

You don’t think hiding your deepest longings and your most shame-filled behaviors is a big struggle?

I only have the OP’s words to go by. I acknowledged in my prior post that he must have initially struggled, and that the actions to ‘come out’ must be a struggle. But the OP has not remarked that he is struggling against temptation. Rather, he is signalling considerable commitment to a course.

 

[St_Francis]

I agree with all of this.

I was kind of thinking that we were just coming at it from different angles.

But the rest of your post kind of puzzles me…

I only think that we shouldn’t assume that, since there is a disagreement, “I am right and you are wrong”.

In some situations that may be the case. But certain actions are wrong. If i say, pre-marital sex is wrong, then i’m right. If my child says pre-marital sex is fine if you really really love the person, then that child is wrong.

We need to listen, and listening means being wrong sometimes. If our faith becomes a sacred cow that prevents us from listening, we need to slaughter that cow.

I don’t understand what you mean by this, in this context.

But since Christ calls us to a living, listening faith, we can trust that, wherever God leads us when we listen and love one another, He will be there to show us the way.

Sometimes love means admonishing the sinner, not listening to their rationalizations.

 

[Rau]

He has not said he gave in without any struggle, and so charity requires us to assume that he did in fact consult his conscience and do his best. No, he is not making the moral choice of a well-formed conscience with the strength of virtue to do the right. From an objective standpoint, he’s doing the wrong thing ,and he knows the Church teaches this. He may be doing far less than he could, this is possible, we can’t know.

Still, if he in fact doing his best or is even doing rather well with the conscience and store of grace he has been given, he will be less culpable than those of us who did only somewhat better when the Lord who knows our hearts could tell us we had much more grace and far weaker temptations to deal with than this young man did.

Yes, I agree with that. I only note that he indicates a high degree of commitment to his current course. It would seem clear that he has, at best, abandoned any struggle, and does not seek any assistance to move away from homosexual relations, but quite the reverse. I have considerable compassion for those enduring SSA, but I suppose a little less for those who embrace homosexual relations.

 

[KrazyKat]

I still stand by my belief that if any parent is willing to say “bye bye” to their child, then maybe perhaps that child is better off with out that so called parent. Especially if this argument is over something as silly as sexual orientation or what church they’re getting married in. Also, constantly bugging someone over their sexual orientation clearly isn’t acceptance which is what the OP is asking for. His parents don’t have to like the fact that he’s gay, he just doesn’t want or need their lecturing on church teachings.

The parent who is not concerned for their child’s soul is a sad parent indeed.

 

[JimG]

I expect a heterosexual adult child would have somewhat the same problem in deciding how to tell his devoutly Catholic parents that he was moving in with his girlfriend. They won’t be happy. Or for that matter, telling them that he is getting married, but not in the Church (thereby making for an invalid marriage.)

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I actually empathize with posters like the OP because of what my husband and I had to go through. Telling his family that we were moving in together sucked. When they asked if we planned to “make things right” by getting married, we had to tell them yes, but not in the church.

I think that the OP’s situation is worse though. My husband’s family still holds out hope that we will have our marriage convalidated. With a homosexual child that hope isn’t there.

 

[Rau]

I think that the OP’s situation is worse though. My husband’s family still holds out hope that we will have our marriage convalidated. With a homosexual child that hope isn’t there.

It’s reasonable to maintain hope that the child will seek to take up a chaste life, even though at this time he shows no desire to do that. Many people have turned away from wrong acts. It is a slim chance indeed, however, that the child will undergo a change in sexual orientation.

 

[kolya111]

Regarding my struggle, level of culpability, etc - it is not something I meant to discuss here (my prime interest remains handling my family, and it would not be fruitful for me to debate homosexuality on a Catholic board). That said, a loss of faith (or perhaps I never had it) is a key element to all this.

The Church (I say Church, not God; it is an important distinction) says “deny your sexual desires.” I did that for some time, praying and going to a different priest every few weeks to confess that I had masturbated. I was questioning my faith during that period (sometimes I visited this board to see if the apologists had answers that satisfied).

Ultimately I came to view Catholicism as a complicated “box” - an internally consistent belief system that was fine enough if you were in it, but impossible to prove. The “box” was not so strong as to prevent one from stepping outside in favor of something simpler and equally plausible, if one had the inclination. I couldnt come up with a good reason not to step outside. Being gay forced the choice but I may have reached that point even if I were straight.

 

[esieffe]

If I were your Dad, I would tell you that I love you, and that I always will.

PLEASE, if you do tell your Mom and Dad, and the react badly, do not walk out of their lives. It took my aunt and uncle a few years to get though this with my cousin. Cutting ties, walking out, this option should only be used when your sanity is at stake.

I also like the post that said you don’t have to tell at all. I am in the minority when I tell you that I know you did not choose this. You call yourself an agnostic now, but things can change. Gay or not gay, you may find as you grow older that you become close to God.

Pope Francis has put much lately into “works.” Works are love. The capacity to love your fellow man is one of God’s greatest gifts. Think on that for now. Celebrate the holidays with your family and may you all have a wonderful thanksgiving and Christmas.

 

[Rau]

I am in the minority when I tell you that I know you did not choose this. You call yourself an agnostic now, but things can change. Gay or not gay, you may find as you grow older that you become close to God.

What is “this”? The OP did not choose his sexual orientation, and he did not choose his parents, and he did not choose waning faith. But I think all else is his choice.

 

[Peter_J]

I expect a heterosexual adult child would have somewhat the same problem in deciding how to tell his devoutly Catholic parents that he was moving in with his girlfriend.

That makes sense, but it isn’t always the case. Some parents take that news much better than the other.