I'm gay. How do I tell my parents?

[Rau]

… and it would not be fruitful for me to debate homosexuality on a Catholic board).

It’s unlikely that you’ll find a lot of posters advocating for a homosexual lifestyle, and supporting your choice, if that’s what you mean by “fruitful”. But if you are of a mind to understand alternatives, or a rationale for a different choice, it may be quite “fruitful”.

The Church (I say Church, not God; it is an important distinction) says “deny your sexual desires.”

The church does indeed say this for all who are not married. From your comment, you suggest that God does not say this. I accept that you don’t accept church teaching authority. But in that case, where do you get your insight on what God says, and what does God say on this point (about sexual desires)?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It’s unlikely that you’ll find a lot of posters advocating for a homosexual lifestyle, and supporting your choice, if that’s what you mean by “fruitful”. But if you are of a mind to understand alternatives, or a rationale for a different choice, it may be quite “fruitful”.

The church does indeed say this for all who are not married. From your comment, you suggest that God does not say this. I accept that you don’t accept church teaching authority. But in that case, where do you get your insight on what God says, and what does God say on this point (about sexual desires)?

I’m guessing that what he meant by that was that he was acknowledging that the church teaches that, but that he does not acknowledge that god says it, since he doesn’t even acknowledge that there for sure is a god.

 

[Rau]

… since he doesn’t even acknowledge that there for sure is a god.

He does say he has “stepped outside of Catholicism” to “something simpler and equally plausible” (he doesn’t elaborate on what that is), but I didn’t take that to mean something where there is no God.

But you may be right – deciding that there is no God may tend to remove a source of internal conflict over one’s actions. However, arguably, you don’t need to go as far as “no God” to get to a place that says homosexual relations are perfectly fine.

Either way - the discussion does suggest that the “drive” he experiences for homosexual relations may have driven him to “drop” those things that stand in the way of satisfying it freely - his faith, belief in Church and potentially (by his statements), his relationship with parents. [Note: I hasten to add that his parents are live actors too, and so they play a part in determining the fate of the latter.]

 

[amrin]

If I was your son, how would you want me to tell you? Appreciate your thoughts.

Hi,

I’m a mom to a toddler and I’ve actually thought about this issue before. In all honestly, I wouldn’t like to receive such news over Christmas, or any other festivity. I do understand you live very far away from your parents, but it would probably be a better idea to just pick a random date and go over for the weekend, for example.

If you were my son I would understand if you wanted to tell me, since it’s an important part of your life. Keeping in mind that Christiniaty is not suportive of homosexuality since it’s considered a sin, I would like to hear something along the lines of “Mom, I’ve realized I’m not attracted to women. I do understand and respect your beliefs in God, therefore I will never put in you in a situation that would make you uncomfortable in the future.” - read not inviting me to a future wedding or bringing the boyfriend over.

On a personal note, I will always love my son, no matter what life throws at me. I will always be there for him, even if he doesn’t need or want me there. I hope your parents will be kind and supportive as good christian witnesses should be. If they are not, I hope you will always hold them in high regard, anyhow.

May god bless you, and you family.

 

[Peter_J]

Hi,

I’m a mom to a toddler and I’ve actually thought about this issue before.

Interesting coincidence that you should say that, because I was just thinking that a big part of the problem is that most parents don’t think about it until it is their child.

 

[EasterJoy]

I just have to say “wow”, because I cannot believe that you would make that presumption.

He might only have meant that the OP indicated that he knew what he had chosen is against the teaching he received from his parents, not necessarily that he can be judged to have the grace to hear it.

 

[m_crane]

Humankind is weak. It would be nice if we could all serenely “accept those things we cannot change”, but that is not realistic. Sometimes it is just better to preserve other people from knowledge of the things they cannot change, and spare everyone the fall-out that comes when the knowledge is handled badly.

So human prayer from the lips of heartbroken parents cannot change a sinful situation and they must serenely accept it ? If parents are kept in ignorance how can they pray for their son? You’ve eliminated their ability to help their son by telling him to withhold the truth.
Maybe the son doesn’t care about his soul, but I’m sure his parents still do.

Your parents have lived a lot longer than you have and 24 is not that old. Maybe they can still teach you some things you need to learn to get through this life and into the next.

God bless you and your family.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s reasonable to maintain hope that the child will seek to take up a chaste life, even though at this time he shows no desire to do that. Many people have turned away from wrong acts. It is a slim chance indeed, however, that the child will undergo a change in sexual orientation.

I know gays who have chosen to accept a celibate life, yes. They don’t say they’re heterosexual now.

 

[Peter_J]

He might only have meant that …

It should be understood, of course, that I don’t claim any insight into what Used2beSherryG might have meant to say. I only know that what she did say was that kolya111 knows that what he is choosing to do is wrong in the eyes of God

 

[Prodigal_Son]

OK, let me say – no, shout – something into this conversation.

The OP is facing this problem many years too late. ** It is the obligation of parents to provide an environment where children can say things that are hard, without being judged.**

I don’t care about your **** feelings, parents. If your 12-year-old does not know that he/she can tell you ANYTHING – can tell you that he’s thinking of stealing or hurting people, or if he’s attracted to other guys – if you 12-year-old doesn’t know, from your words and very clearly, that he can say anything to you, there is a problem.

Unconditional love is not loving people no matter what. Unconditional love is (a) wanting to know what is really going on, and then (b) loving them no matter what.

I have a wonderful mother, but I needed her to want to know that I was struggling with being attracted to men. I needed her to express to me that she wanted to hear everything, even if it was hard for her. (Of course, I never told her, until I was in my 20s). If we don’t let our children know that we want to know, we are – to some degree, at least – abandoning them.

This is what those of you who didn’t grow up with SSA need to understand. People with SSA are terrified of their attractions, and terrified of letting themselves be known by others.

Kolya, I am sorry if your parents didn’t want to know you. God *does *want to know you, and He will never abandon you, and He will never leave you wondering what His response will be.

As for human parents, we fail. A lot. But God knows we’re trying.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

In some situations that may be the case. But certain actions are wrong. If i say, pre-marital sex is wrong, then i’m right. If my child says pre-marital sex is fine if you really really love the person, then that child is wrong.

Yes, but if we have a discussion where whether a certain action is right or wrong, it is not appropriate to hold out “this is Church teaching” as some sort of trump card. This is the entire reason Thomas Aquinas wrote, because he thought that every moral claim had a rational defense – there is no such thing as moral dogma.

There is a reason that premarital sex is wrong: because it tends to lead to bad consequences, and because it violates one’s own personal integrity. Premarital sex is not wrong simply because the Church says so.

Sometimes love means admonishing the sinner, not listening to their rationalizations.

You’re right about that. But you need to know someone *very *well in order to distinguish their rationalizations from their honest-to-God opinions. None of us know Kolya that well. When you don’t know someone well, then you – as EasterJoy is pointing out – ought to assume the best interpretation on their actions, until proven otherwise.

 

[Rau]

Premarital sex is not wrong simply because the Church says so.

Well, yes, but the fact that the Church teaches it is wrong is surely, for a faithful Catholic, prima facie evidence (at least) that it is indeed morally wrong. The church does not seek to teach on matters outside its competence.

 

[Peter_J]

OK, let me say – no, shout – something into this conversation.

The OP is facing this problem many years too late. ** It is the obligation of parents to provide an environment where children can say things that are hard, without being judged.**

Alright, that sounds reasonable; but I would also stress what I said earlier:

Interesting coincidence that you should say that, because I was just thinking that a big part of the problem is that most parents don’t think about it until it is their child.

 

[St_Francis]

First, I need you to give a link or something to your your assertion that Aquinas did not believe in moral dogma. I am not exactly sure what this would mean.

Yes, but if we have a discussion where whether a certain action is right or wrong, it is not appropriate to hold out “this is Church teaching” as some sort of trump card.

Catholic teaching is God’s teaching. Clearly, telling Richard Dawkins that something is wrong because the Church says it is would not convince him.

This is the entire reason Thomas Aquinas wrote, because he thought that every moral claim had a rational defense – there is no such thing as moral dogma.

It is true that there are theolgians, maybe even all theologians, believe that people act because they are in search of a good, and they are misdirecting their efforts or their desires are badly prioritized… is this what you are talking about?

There is a reason that premarital sex is wrong: because it tends to lead to bad consequences,

This is a bad philosophy (Conseqentialism? Utilitarianism? Pragmatism?). There are times when one must do the right thing even if there are “bad” consequences. For example, Blanche of Castile told her son, St King Louis IX, that she would rather see him die than to commit a sin. We are assured that God would rather see the world destroyed than for a sin to be committed to save it.

It is easy to say, this is bad because of this or that result, but to be honest, to me that just leads to moral relativism. Sometimes doing the right thing leads to bad consequences. Sometimes telling your friend that what she’s doing is wrong causes her to be angry with you or even break offf the friendship–bad consequences, altho you have done the right thing.

and because it violates one’s own personal integrity .

Tey that one on a hormonal teen who has never been taught any better.

Premarital sex is not wrong simply because the Church says so.

Then why is it wrong? Why is it a wrong thing as opposed to a good thing with bad consequences?

You’re right about that. But you need to know someone *very *well in order to distinguish their rationalizations from their honest-to-God opinions. None of us know Kolya that well. When you don’t know someone well, then you – as EasterJoy is pointing out – ought to assume the best interpretation on their actions, until proven otherwise.

Kolya asked for advice. I tried to give him advice based on what he said. I don’t know what I said that bothers you…

 

[EasterJoy]

It should be understood, of course, that I don’t claim any insight into what Used2beSherryG might have meant to say. I only know that what she did say was that kolya111 knows that what he is choosing to do is wrong in the eyes of God

On a purely intellectual level, that is surely what his parents taught him and he remembers that, or telling his parents that he is gay would not have much to do with their identity as Catholics. So on that level, he does know. It is not presumptuous to say that, as it would be if he had no religious training.

 

[EasterJoy]

So human prayer from the lips of heartbroken parents cannot change a sinful situation and they must serenely accept it ? If parents are kept in ignorance how can they pray for their son? You’ve eliminated their ability to help their son by telling him to withhold the truth.
Maybe the son doesn’t care about his soul, but I’m sure his parents still do.

Your parents have lived a lot longer than you have and 24 is not that old. Maybe they can still teach you some things you need to learn to get through this life and into the next.

God bless you and your family.

This is an extremely good point: that is, that his parents’ prayers for him will be less explicit if he does not tell him. (Presumably they will not suddenly start praying for him because they find out he’s gay, but weren’t praying for him before.) Of course they would want to pray for him with this specific intention. That does not mean, however, that each of us does not have the choice about who to tell about circumstances in our lives, even when we might be denying those who love us the chance to pray for us, prayers that we very much need.

I did not tell him to withhold the truth. I told him that it was his choice to disclose or to not disclose. He may be missing out on all sorts of positive things they could do, but he is not lying if he does not tell them, any more than he would be lying if he failed to tell them he was going to lose his house if he was financially independent.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, but if we have a discussion where whether a certain action is right or wrong, it is not appropriate to hold out “this is Church teaching” as some sort of trump card. This is the entire reason Thomas Aquinas wrote, because he thought that every moral claim had a rational defense – there is no such thing as moral dogma.

There is a reason that premarital sex is wrong: because it tends to lead to bad consequences, and because it violates one’s own personal integrity. Premarital sex is not wrong simply because the Church says so.

Just to clarify: The infallibility of the Pope includes both matters of faith and of morals. So yes, while the Church does not delineate every moral dilemma in dogmatic terms, the Church does have the authority to teach morals in a definitive manner.

 

[PendingTheist]

Hi, I’ll assume if your parents are Catholic and accept evolution as well as the science behind it. If so, they are intelligent enough to understand homosexuality is not a choice but back up by genetic and animal behavior studies. They and you need to understand this is nobodies fault and you need to be who you are. How would they feel if they were forced to love and marry someone of the same sex as that is what homosexuals are being forced to do with the opposite sex. If they can’t accept and love you for who your are, then that is their problem. Although the bible endorses you to be stoned and are worthy of death, they should harp on the gentle Jesus passages to Love you and have trust in The Lord just as my Christian wife has put trust in the Lord when it comes time for my judgement. Stay well.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Hi, I’ll assume if your parents are Catholic and accept evolution as well as the science behind it. If so, they are intelligent enough to understand homosexuality is not a choice but back up by genetic and animal behavior studies. They and you need to understand this is nobodies fault and you need to be who you are. How would they feel if they were forced to love and marry someone of the same sex as that is what homosexuals are being forced to do with the opposite sex. If they can’t accept and love you for who your are, then that is their problem. Although the bible endorses you to be stoned and are worthy of death, they should harp on the gentle Jesus passages to Love you and have trust in The Lord just as my Christian wife has put trust in the Lord when it comes time for my judgement. Stay well.

I wasn’t aware that gay people were being “forced” to marry anyone

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Well, yes, but the fact that the Church teaches it is wrong is surely, for a faithful Catholic, prima facie evidence (at least) that it is indeed morally wrong. The church does not seek to teach on matters outside its competence.

I definitely agree. I don’t think it’s usually a good idea to “fly solo” when it comes to morality. God is our Father, and even if we don’t understand why God is saying something, we ought to obey – so long as we are confident that we are hearing the will of God.

But it’s a different issue when you are discussing things with people who do not accept the authority of the Church.