Im having trouble reading htis situation

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passivesquid

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so this past semester at suffolk i met this girl, we got along rather well and became quick friends. i like her alot like alot alot, but she has a boyfriend. her and i talk alot and when we do she always flirty with me calling me things like cutie and stuff (she is also the only girl besides my mother that calls me stevie). and this summer we have been trying to hang but with my three jobs and and stuff we never actualy had the chance to chill. recently she found that her bf was cheating on her for the second time. they momentarliy broke up and got back together. but a few nights ago, we were talking online and she asked me randomly “what do you want more that anythign in the world no matter what?” to this i replied “to share my life with someone, to feel connected with them” she came back with “me too, i feel like i dont have that with my bf anymore…” after that we changed the subject to more cheerful things. but weve had convos like this before and they were getting more frequent. and im thinking that questions like this dont jsut come up “in passing” she had to of brought it up for a reason. either that or im not as a keen an observer of human behavior that i thoguht i am. so sometimes i get the feeling she might actaully like me but then there is always that fact that she is in a relationship. and i dont know really what to make of it or if there is anythign to make of it. thoguht comments and opinions please im trying to figure stuff out…

ive been asking friends about it… one said she is jsut looking for attention, another said just go for it, another siad she might want me to ask her out so she can leave the bf, one told me to just wait and see what happens and on other told me that “despite how crubmy people make their relatioships out to be they are still in them for a reason”

i need yours halps!!!
 
My advice: don’t even think about it. And the fact that you even thought about it means you need to slap yourself 🙂

Why?
  1. Her feelings for the other guy. They won’t go away, and will last for a long time even after a breakup. Minimum 1 year post theoretical breakup for her to get over him. This is actually a HUGE problem that not very many people know about. Girls have very deep feelings and believe me you don’t want to have anything to do with one who has been in many serious relationships…there are of course exceptions, i’m just giving the rule.
  2. She’s a girl who in some way tolerates a guy who cheats on her. Not marriage material.
  3. Give yourself another slap in the face for entertaining thoughts about someone else’s girlfriend.
Also watch out for her…after a breakup they will usually try and find a “rebound” guy…and those relationships usually last for a very very short time.

Peace.
 
Solution: Ask her if she wants serious relationship, then she should break off with that cheating bf and stay single for the next year while still being your friend. This way, you will both test each other if that “feeling” is really deep and reflection of your true heart’s wills.

As jrsmith said, you should not think too much about it. Pray and ask for guidance, both of you. I believe having the same moral beliefs would greatly increase success in relationship. A big plus is Christ’s guidance.
 
PassiveSquid my friend! I believe we’re acquainted from another interest group here. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this kind of turmoil. I’m way out of your age range. In fact, I suspect I was married for several years before you were born, but in some ways things don’t change. I agree with a lot of what the prior responders said. I just want to add that honesty can be difficult, but it will ultimately save you a lot of heartache. Maybe you need to be open with her about your feelings. If she can’t or won’t accept it, look at it as a success and not a failure. It can hurt for a while, but you will then be free to move on with your life. As a father I can say that I would be delighted to have a fine young Catholic gent like you take an interest in one of my daughters. There are many girls out there looking for the right match. As the others have said, pray, take your time and things will turn out well for you. 👍
 
You might just mention to her lightly that if she were not already otherwise occupied, you might have considered asking her to become your steady.
 
jrsmith said:
My advice: don’t even think about it. And the fact that you even thought about it means you need to slap yourself 🙂
  1. Give yourself another slap in the face for entertaining thoughts about someone else’s girlfriend.
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it seems to me that you think having sex with this girl is my only motivation? well i asure you its not, and i am respectful of the fact that she is in a relationship already, thats why im asking for help. if didnt care about that fact i would have already asked her out regaurdless. besides i devleoped feelings for her before i knew she was in a relationship, so im supposed to “turn off” my feelings just like that purley based on newly established fact of circumstance? my point being, is my interest in her is not purely sexual as you seem to think of me. i like her becuase she is one of very very very very few girls that im totally comfortble around, yes i like her but itsnot like those old schoolyard heart pounding cant breathe crushes. its very easy for me to be myself around her and that what i like about her. and i do respect that she is in a relationship and if i do decide to tell her, im willing as her friend to respect whatever decision she makes about it. wether its to never talk to me again or to remain jsut friends or whatever.

im sorry if im ranting and sound angry its just i hate when people assumer that im like very other 20 year old male, who cant discern his between freindship, romance and lust. i hate the 21st century male, whose seemingly only goal is to “score” at the pub or club or whatever. i cant stand those guys and i hate that my older brother is quickly becoming one of them. i find it disgusting! agian sorry for ranting and sorry if i semed angry im more or less just venting
 
passivesquid said:
it seems to me that you think having sex with this girl is my only motivation? well i asure you its not, and i am respectful of the fact that she is in a relationship already, thats why im asking for help. if didnt care about that fact i would have already asked her out regaurdless. besides i devleoped feelings for her before i knew she was in a relationship, so im supposed to “turn off” my feelings just like that purley based on newly established fact of circumstance? my point being, is my interest in her is not purely sexual as you seem to think of me. i like her becuase she is one of very very very very few girls that im totally comfortble around, yes i like her but itsnot like those old schoolyard heart pounding cant breathe crushes. its very easy for me to be myself around her and that what i like about her. and i do respect that she is in a relationship and if i do decide to tell her, im willing as her friend to respect whatever decision she makes about it. wether its to never talk to me again or to remain jsut friends or whatever.

im sorry if im ranting and sound angry its just i hate when people assumer that im like very other 20 year old male, who cant discern his between freindship, romance and lust. i hate the 21st century male, whose seemingly only goal is to “score” at the pub or club or whatever. i cant stand those guys and i hate that my older brother is quickly becoming one of them. i find it disgusting! agian sorry for ranting and sorry if i semed angry im more or less just venting
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Yeah, but you are crossing the threshold of just a friendly relationship with someone else’s girlfriend. Expect a pounding.
 
While I know exactly how you feel, I can only suggest that you do not try to date her if she ever breaks up with her boyfriend. All of my serious relationships ended horribly because of dating too soon after a breakup, when the woman still had emotional thoughts and feelings for her previous partner.

As hard as it is, you have got to force yourself to be patient and allow a strong friendship to build first. If you don’t, you will ruin the friendship you have/had with her, and you’ll end up quite heartbroken.

HOWEVER! If she’s with someone, you shouldn’t allow yourself to develop emotional feelings for her until she’s left that person.

Best wishes.
 
so how then do i turn off these emotions that ive developed for her prior to knowing she had a bf?
 
That’s a good question, and a hard thing to do. The most difficult, but most effective, would be to either not see or talk to her for a while, or to force yourself into seeing her as nothing more than a friend.

The best thing would be to try to find another girl.

Again, I’m not telling you what to do, just trying to give advice that I hope helps.
 
Hi Passivesquid…

You know, I am twice your age…but you sound like an awfully nice young man.

When I was younger, I used to stay home a lot while guys I liked were out with other girls. My dad would give me advice saying that one day these guys who were out having fun would want to meet a girl like me.

Well I did meet a very good man, and although there have been hard times along the way, he has been worth the wait.

I am sure that you will meet a very good woman who is worthy of the nice guy that you are.

Really.
 
passivesquid said:
so how then do i turn off these emotions that ive developed for her prior to knowing she had a bf?
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Keep yourself busy with other things.Are you still going to Suffolk? Since class started on Monday you should have plenty to do to keep busy. Do some volunteer work at church or something if you need more.
 
Okay… here’s from a different point of view… think of a young woman who has been in a relationship… maybe she’s young and hasn’t had a whole lot of experience. She’s with a guy who doesn’t treat her right. She meets someone else and gets to know him. He’s a gentleman. He makes her realize there is better out there. He’s interested. The more she talks to him, the worse the guy she’s with looks.

How many ladies here have been in that position or have a friend and we were really glad she left a bad guy for a better one? Does it ALWAYS mean disaster? :confused:
 
jrsmith said:
My advice: don’t even think about it. And the fact that you even thought about it means you need to slap yourself 🙂

Why?
  1. Her feelings for the other guy. They won’t go away, and will last for a long time even after a breakup. Minimum 1 year post theoretical breakup for her to get over him. This is actually a HUGE problem that not very many people know about. Girls have very deep feelings and believe me you don’t want to have anything to do with one who has been in many serious relationships…there are of course exceptions, i’m just giving the rule.
  2. She’s a girl who in some way tolerates a guy who cheats on her. Not marriage material.
  3. Give yourself another slap in the face for entertaining thoughts about someone else’s girlfriend.
Also watch out for her…after a breakup they will usually try and find a “rebound” guy…and those relationships usually last for a very very short time.

Peace.
Click to expand...
*I am leaning in agreement with this. Sometimes men make the mistake of thinking that a girl who is in a bad relationship, needs rescuing. She needs to break things off on her own accord, before (if I were you, OP) you continue to pursue her. Just my two cents…rescuing a girl from a bad relationship, is not the same as her being free and clear, and genuinely wanting a relationship with you. *
 
Y’all are right about the fact she should be free and clear. And you don’t want to play rescuer.

But understand that guys like you are what make some women out there have hope that not every guy is a jerk. And that she doesn’t have to settle.

Sometimes women put up with bad behavior because they’ve never met anyone better.

But I agree if she breaks up with him (without you prompting her to) and you can maintain and grow a friendship for a year… who knows…
 
*Yes, that’s so true Liberano.

I think that it’s important to not ask her out while she’s dating this guy…she definitely needs to do that on her own. (break up) If she doesn’t choose to dump a guy who’s cheating…it tells you a few things, all of which aren’t too good. And if you pursue a girl while she has a bf…doesn’t matter if he is cheating on her/they are together…that says something about** you**. :o So…I wouldn’t hold my basket of eggs while you wait for her to break up. Move on, find something else to do with your time…if she breaks up with him, and comes around to you…great. If not, it’s not the right person for you, then. Girls with bf’s aren’t the only girls out there. 😉 *
 
I’ll add one more thing, and sometimes, outsiders can see these things a little better than the people involved. I remember a gf back in college who loved to play guys off of each other…we were not friends very long, as I couldn’t stomach this game she played. Not saying this girl is doing that, but some girls like to make their bf’s jealous…again, not saying that’s the case. But, I remember when she would do this same thing…flirt with guys, lament over how bad her bf’s were…then she would begin dating the new guy …then the old bf would come around and start trouble, and she’d have two guys fighting over her. Blah. Just be careful. Girls with bf’s are taboo, I have taught my son this. (sorry, don’t mean to sound like a mom here) 😊
 
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