I'm in a tough situation

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My friend and I have been put into quite a situation. We went out with a bunch of our friends over a month ago, and both of us had way too much to drink. I don’t remember most of what happen that night, but I do remember waking up in bed with my friend. Both of us were completely horrified, and neither of us knows how we managed to get that drunk or how we ended up in his dorm, let alone his bed. Most of our friends had gotten pretty drunk too, so we just don’t know what happened.

Regardless, I just found out I’m pregnant. I know it’s his baby, because I was a virgin before that night, and he’s not denying that it’s his. The problem really isn’t the baby, I’m a pretty devout Catholic (I know this isn’t making me sound like one), and he is converting to Catholicism, so there is no question that I’m going to have the baby.

The problem is there are a lot of little issues. The most pressing is that my friend happens to be gay. This pretty much negates us being able to get married, but he still really wants us to try and raise our baby together, even if it means living like brother and sister. I’m not sure how we could possibly make that work. He’s coping with understanding that as a gay Catholic he has to be celibate, but for me, I want to marry. I just think it would be very awkward for our child growing up in a household like that, especially since we’re both very young I’m 19 and he’s 21. I’ve considered allowing my parents to adopt our baby, but he really wants us to raise the baby. He’s really taken charge the last couple of days, he’s already looking for either a better job or at least a second job until he finishes his degree, and an apartment near our university. He tells me not to worry, that we can do this, and that he’ll take care of everything. I’m skeptical, I want to do right by my baby. I’m wondering what would be the proper thing to do in this situation, our baby would call us Mom and Dad, but we’d live like brother and sister…
 
Wow, first congrats on the baby and your decision to keep it. That in itself is great. On the other hand, the situation calls for a lot of discernment I would think. I’d go to a trusted priest with the father and explain it all to see what direction he thinks you both should go. If you are really called to marry and the father is truly ‘gay’ there could be a custody issue looming in the future. Pray a lot and get thee to a priest. I’ll add you to my intentions list!
 
I wonder, two, five, ten, fifteen, twenty years? How long can not being true to yourselves work out? However perhaps you both are able to commit to celibacy, as questions will come up for you child whatever decisions you make.

I guess you already know you cannot marry validly unless you are both open to conception.

It must be very difficult for you and for him. One might pray that he may be able to change his orientation. He sounds like a good and responsible provider.

This could be his only way of having a child, so it would be important to him to make this child part of his life. You would not be able to escape the fact that he is only with you because of the child.

If you feel you can live without being cherished as a wife, then it might work for you. Many wives aren’t particularly cherished, or not at all, by their husbands, yet make it through. He may be kinder and more attentive than many husbands.

May God guide you both so that you make the right decisions.
 
Rage said:
My friend and I have been put into quite a situation. We went out with a bunch of our friends over a month ago, and both of us had way too much to drink. I don’t remember most of what happen that night, but I do remember waking up in bed with my friend. Both of us were completely horrified, and neither of us knows how we managed to get that drunk or how we ended up in his dorm, let alone his bed. Most of our friends had gotten pretty drunk too, so we just don’t know what happened.

Regardless, I just found out I’m pregnant. I know it’s his baby, because I was a virgin before that night, and he’s not denying that it’s his. The problem really isn’t the baby, I’m a pretty devout Catholic (I know this isn’t making me sound like one), and he is converting to Catholicism, so there is no question that I’m going to have the baby.

The problem is there are a lot of little issues. The most pressing is that my friend happens to be gay. This pretty much negates us being able to get married, but he still really wants us to try and raise our baby together, even if it means living like brother and sister. I’m not sure how we could possibly make that work. He’s coping with understanding that as a gay Catholic he has to be celibate, but for me, I want to marry. I just think it would be very awkward for our child growing up in a household like that, especially since we’re both very young I’m 19 and he’s 21. I’ve considered allowing my parents to adopt our baby, but he really wants us to raise the baby. He’s really taken charge the last couple of days, he’s already looking for either a better job or at least a second job until he finishes his degree, and an apartment near our university. He tells me not to worry, that we can do this, and that he’ll take care of everything. I’m skeptical, I want to do right by my baby. I’m wondering what would be the proper thing to do in this situation, our baby would call us Mom and Dad, but we’d live like brother and sister…
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As a catholic, I do want to congratulate you on the little one! It doesn’t matter that he or she was concieved out of wedlock, your child is a blessing and be grateful of that! I myself am a result of a drunken night between two unmarrieds! So your kid is in good company 😉 lol. The sin doesn’t matter inyour child’s life and your child will be a living example of how God can use even sin for his glory.

Anyway, first and foremost: GO SEE YOUR PRIEST. You need to go to confession (if you haven’t already) and you need to get help in finding a support system. I am not going to lie, being a catholic unmarried and pregnant woman will be tough. Let God be your strength. Learn to dismiss anyone who dares to get in your face about your situation. You made a mistake, so does everyone. You confessed, and you are serving God, having learned from mistakes.

As for the man in question, I would seriously ask him this question: if he is really and truly gay, no amount of alcohol will make him able to sleep with a woman. I mean, SSA is an actual dibilitating issue that causes those with it to be about as attracted to the opposite sex as you and I are to the same sex. No amount of alcohol will make me want to sleep with another woman. And (ashamedly) I’ve had a couple drunken nights:o. At no time did I ever once think that sleeping with another woman was a good idea. I am betting that somewhere deep down, he is not really gay. I’m not suggesting you confront him about this, but bring it up if the topic arises and suggest that maybe counselling will help him overcome his SSA. This will be helpful if he plans to enter the church and find a wife! I’d also bring up that while he is in treatment there is no reason you can’t marry. I don’t think this boy is really and truly gay if getting drunk makes him sleep with women. Drunkness doesn’t create new feelings, it only removes inhibition and logic. If you guys want to raise the child together, I don’t see why you can’t.

I do highly suggest that you talk seriously about this with him and see what he is open to. If he is open to therapy to try to overcome SSA (many before him have done it) then who knows what doors that may open?
 
May I give my 2 cents as a guy that doesn’t know much about being gay. I do know about loving others. I have real hope that you and he will be able to raise the baby up well. It really depends on you two. I mean in this modern world, sexual urges seems to be a really big deal. But honestly for some guys, it’s not that important. It’s something we may want, but we can do without. Love though is vital. And what is love but simply the deepest desire to seek what is best for the beloved. If he truly cares about you and the baby, then he truly loves you and the baby.

Love is getting up in the morning when you body tells you it’s impossible. Love is listening to your belove yell and scream and giving them comfort in return. Love is always reliable and supportive within physical and mental capabilities.

I guess, what my 2 cents comes down to is with a good spiritual director for the both of you together, I bet you two would make wonderful parents and spouses. Having same-sex attraction is technically not an impediment to marriage though it can make it hard. But at 21, maybe he will not have SSA all his life. Large portions of our brains and details of our hormonal systems don’t stabilized till 25 for the average human.
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
As for the man in question, I would seriously ask him this question: if he is really and truly gay, no amount of alcohol will make him able to sleep with a woman. I mean, SSA is an actual dibilitating issue that causes those with it to be about as attracted to the opposite sex as you and I are to the same sex. No amount of alcohol will make me want to sleep with another woman. And (ashamedly) I’ve had a couple drunken nights:o. At no time did I ever once think that sleeping with another woman was a good idea. I am betting that somewhere deep down, he is not really gay. I’m not suggesting you confront him about this, but bring it up if the topic arises and suggest that maybe counselling will help him overcome his SSA. This will be helpful if he plans to enter the church and find a wife! I’d also bring up that while he is in treatment there is no reason you can’t marry. I don’t think this boy is really and truly gay if getting drunk makes him sleep with women. Drunkness doesn’t create new feelings, it only removes inhibition and logic. If you guys want to raise the child together, I don’t see why you can’t.

I do highly suggest that you talk seriously about this with him and see what he is open to. If he is open to therapy to try to overcome SSA (many before him have done it) then who knows what doors that may open?
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I totally agree, especially in light of his age. I struggled with SSA in my early 20’s, but change is possible (for some people anyway).
 
a baby is a blessing no matter how she comes into the world so we thank God for her. you cannot be married in the Catholic Church unless all the conditions for a valid marriage are present, including the ability to freely enter into the contract without force or coercion–which an unplanned pregnancy definitely could be–and the personality and physical abilities demanded of the married vocation. An active gay who has embraced that lifestyle and has no intention or desire of overcoming SSA to the extent he wants and is able to fulfill the duties of husband and father is not at least now capable of full consent to marriage. Any more than such a man is at present capable of full consent to the demands of the priestly or religous vocations. Lack of maturity is also an impediment to valid marriage–witness decisions by many tribunals on annulments–and the act and the way of living that enabled the act is not a demonstration of maturity.

Any couple in this situation would be counseled, when they approach their pastor to inquire about marriage to wait until after the baby is born and careful discernment has helped them make decisions about her future–which might include adoption btw. Only then would they discern if marriage to each other is their vocation. Nothing in OP’s story indicates that this is the case.

See your pastor right now in any case for pastoral care you need and deserve.

and for heaven’s sake if you have had sex with a sexually active person–which I assume you mean by designating this man as gay–get tested, now, tell you OB about the circumstances as your baby could be in jeopardy
 
You can raise the baby without living together or marrying. Co-parenting is an option. But for marriage, you need someone willing to commit everything to you and that includes his body.

As for SSA, I agree it comes in varying degrees…because I have my struggles with it but I still am attracted to the opposite sex (as you all can tell by my posts in Nice Guys and singles threads :))…Some people are as attracted to the same sex as others are to the opposite sex, with complete revulsion for the other, but others, it comes in degrees…

No worries, I’ve had a few drunken nights myself…Catholic doesn’t mean perfect but repentant and striving:o

I’d suggest holding off on marriage. You’re both so young and he’s got that to work on. Focus on the baby. Focus on finishing school and working, so you can provide for your baby. Focus on God and your growing faith. TALK TO A PRIEST!!! Get to a doctor, if you haven’t. Go to Confession if you haven’t. Remember, marriage is a sacrament and is for life…it’s not always the best solution to early pregnancy. A baby deserves parents that love him/her, are willing to provide, and are happy and faithful in their state of life. Marriage doesn’t always provide that.

And CONGRATULATIONS:)🙂 Babies are good, no matter what the circumstances are:)
 
God bless you for choosing life and may I ask St Jude to intercede on your behalf for such a difficult situation.

That being said - when he was drinking and all his inhibitions were down - he went to bed with you and not a man. What does that really say in the end? I don’t mean to be negating his “orientation” but I think sometimes with pop culture people are sometimes too quick to come out of the closet just because they have urges because being gay is almost the new in thing. Just my two cents. You have a lot to figure out.
 
Could I make a suggestion?

Would you consider adoption for this child? There are so many heartbreaking situations that you read about in the papers when these situations turn into something you never would have dreamed of in the beginning. Think about what this could be like for your baby down the road. You live with a man with SSA. He is “coping” with the concept that he has to be celibate. Obviously he’s slipped in chastity with you, but what about in his life apart from you? How would you feel about raising your child with an active homosexual? It is simply not realistic for you to give up your desire for a true marriage, and probably other children, so that you can live as brother and sister with this young man. It is very, very unlikely that five or ten years from now you will be happy with that living arrangement. What are the chances that you would stay together? And then what would your child’s life be like? Weekend visitation with you while living with his or her father and his partner, or living with you and visitation with the father? Workable, but is that what you have always dreamed of for your children? Is it what would be most likely to give your child a stable, happy life?

This young man’s sense of responsibility is admirable. You and he want to do what is right for the life you and he have participated in creating. I’m suggesting that you consider whether what is right for this child is to allow him to be raised in a family with parents who are longing to add children to their Catholic marriage. By doing so, you may both be giving your baby what you really desire for him to have.

God bless you as you make plans for the life that God has entrusted to you!
 
Just my :twocents:, please don’t take offense.

I would give the baby up for adoption so he/ she wouldn’t have to grow up in a difficult situation like that.
 
I also would like to suggest that you consider adoption. I know it would be so hard to give up your baby, but please try to think of what is best for baby, before your own needs.

It is admirable that the young man is being so responsible, but he is so young, and sounds like he is confused, and that is not an optimal home for a child.

Please pray about the adoption issue.
 
Go see your priest. Today - not tomorrow, today.

Do consider placing this child in a loving, stable, adoptive home.
 
Please do yourself a favor though - discern parenting and marriage seperately. You are already pregnant - if you want to be a mother to your child than yes you can - there is nothing to say there might now be a good, Catholic step-father later in life. I saw my dh make this same decision and I watched it destroy him not because he was gay but b/c he thought he would be forever single and was not right to be a single father. Well, years later he wishes he had done things differently. This may not be a popular opinon but it is just that - you are young and there are men out there that would still be willing to marry you even though you are raising another man’s child. It’s called baggage but we all have it and it only gets heavier as we get older unless we ask Christ for help lifting it.
 
I want to recommend that you NOT place this child for adoption.

The father wants and is able to parent his child. YOU want and are able to parent your child. Your child has TWO PARENTS who both WANT to parent him/her and are ABLE to parent him/her.

Your circumstances will undoubtedly be difficult as your work through the logistics of this situation. But you know what? Everybody’s circumstances are difficult! Adoption will only add unnecessary emotional difficulties for you, the father AND the baby.

Everyone is so quick to push adoption, without TRULY comprehending that adoption complicates things-- it doesnt simplify them!

For example:
  1. will your adoption be open or closed?
  2. with the adoptive parents be open to ongoing contact?
  3. will the adoptive parents raise your child in the Catholic faith? Or will they decide to switch faiths six months from now with out telling you?
  4. can you live for the REST OF YOUR LIFE wihtout the child you are currently carrying?
Adoption is not a quick and easy solution to a diffcult problem. I’ts a PERMANENT solution to waht MAY be TEMPORARILY difficult circumstances!

If two parents WANT their child, LOVE their child, are ABLE TO PARENT their child (emotionally, financially, spiritually), THEY SHOULD PARENT THEIR CHILD!

Dont let people pressure you into choosing adoption when it is unnecessary. People who pressure you into that are usually the people who have ZERO firsthand experience with adoption (and no, if your neighbors cousins daughter was adopted, that does NOT QUALIFY). Ask an adoptee, a woman who has relinquished, or an adoptive parent-- heck, as a LOT OF THEM so you have a good sample size-- and THEN consider adoption if you think you can live with everything they have to say.

(NotaBene-- I am an adoptive mom. Married to an adult adoptee. I am NOT against adoption! Adoption can be wonderful! But no matter how wonderful is CAN be, it is sometimes horrific, heartbreaking, and NOT in the best interest of the adoptee OR the woman relinquishing!

What I am against is people saying “oh youre not married? dont think youre going to be married anytime soon? Better ‘give your baby away’! That’s the only loving thing to do!” Baloney.)

(Second Nota Bene-- “give your baby up for adoption” is so horrifically offensive and insensitive. You very rarely hear people involved in adoption use this phrase. It turns my stomach, although I realize most people who use it dont realize that they are comparing a human life to smoking habit. You dont “give up” a baby. You PLACE a baby. You FIND PARENTS for a baby. You RELINQUISH your baby to other parents. I hate political correctness as much as the next person, but honestly, this phrase cuts to the quick in most adoptees I’ve encountered, and people dont realize how hurtful it is).
 
I will keep you, your baby, the father, and both of your families in my prayers. I admire you for having the strength and courage to choose life for your unborn baby.

I recommend receiving counseling from a priest for this complicated issue. I also recommend prayerfully considering adoption for your baby. There are so many married couples struggling with infertility and waiting for a baby. The gift of adoption could answer the prayers of a Catholic couple praying to God for a baby.

Regardless of what you decide to do, we will be praying for you and your baby. Give your baby the best environment to grow by eating healthy, going to all of your doctor appointments, and taking care of yourself.

Keep yourself spiritually strong by praying daily and going to Mass and Eucharistic Adoration as often as possible.

I am glad the father is being supportive but his level of support could change down the road. Ask yourself if you are okay being a single Mom if it comes to that. And ask yourself what the best environment for your baby would be.

Regardless of whatever you decide, hold your head up high for putting God first and for choosing life. Get yourself to Confession if you havent already, and forgive yourself for your mistake. We all make mistakes and too much alcohol consumption is one all too many of us have experienced. It sounds like you really had a lot to drink that night. I would think about what led you to consume so much alcohol so that you wont repeat that mistake down the road.

You are in my prayers. I can tell you are a strong woman and you will be okay regardless of what you decide.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
Rage, you have a whole horizon full of possibilities. Nothing is impossible. (Except, of course, abortion.)

Your baby already has the best thing - two parents who want to be parents; who already love her/him. The question is, what is the best way to be those parents?

If you and he love each other enough - if your friendship is strong enough - it is not impossible to marry. Difficult, but not impossible. Both of you would have to be 100% committed to chastity, and that means thinking ahead. Will you both be able to live together, for the rest of your lives, without erotic love? (You can’t enter the marriage thinking that it will end when Baby grows up.)

He should also think about his friends. Some will shun him as a “traitor” if he marries, and others would be an occasion of sin for him, tempting him to hang out in gay bars, or worse. (I don’t mean they would do it deliberately; rather that they would remind him of the “good times,” and make him miss the old life.) So he will have to think how life would be without some or all of his gay friends. (I know about that. I’m an alcoholic, and to be successful at sobriety, I had to give up some friends for the same kind of reasons.)

Also, when you marry, you create a marriage. It is more than a ceremony which makes your baby “legitimate.” Think of it as one of those charts that have two overlapping circles. The overlapping part is your marriage - and it is something that needs to be nurtured. Whether you have erotic love or not, you still have a marriage.

Obviously, this is not a decision that can be made overnight!

Has he investigated Courage at all? They could help him with this.

As for those who would scorn you for being an unmarried Catholic mother, bah to them. You wouldn’t want that kind of person as a friend, would you? Then who cares what they think?

May God bless all three of you abundantly,

Ruthie
 
Hi OP, I just want you to know that you, your baby, and the father are in my prayers. God bless you for choosing to carry this little sweetheart.

I am the same age as you, my son is 3 months old. You have received some good advice but I don’t necessarily agree with those who say that adoption is the “best” option.

I’m not married but God didn’t intend for me to place my son in another home. My son’s father is quite a difficult person but I am entrusting my whole situation to God because I know He always delivers. I love my baby boy so much, I thank God everyday for him. I don’t know if God wants you to choose adoption but do not assume that just because you are not married that you HAVE to place your baby in another home. That is a very serious decision to make and one that should only be made if you are positive that God wants you to make it.

I don’t know what else to say. Just know that I am praying for you and you can always PM me if you’d like 🙂
 
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