I'm in a whole lot of pain right now - Fiancée working at PP

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CNCIBC9

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So I’ve been seeing this girl for 3+ years and engaged her over Christmas time. She isn’t a catholic but agreed to let our children be raised catholic. Earlier this week she was talking about all these externships she was going to be doing for her major (child development and family studies) and mentioned she was going to do one for Planned Parenthood. And that she might want to work there after graduation. I just said I’d be uncomfortable with that and it has escalated into what seems to be calling off the engagement. She said I was trying to run her life and that this was something she wasn’t going to compromise on. This is the love of my life and we haven’t really spoke in a couple of days. Please pray for me and my situation.

I just didnt want her to be involved in a group that sets people up for abortions, mostly. I’m adopted and the issue REALLY hits home for me. It’s my belief that once another life begins inside the woman, it isn’t a choice anymore, it’s a human being that deserves rights just like anyone else. Just thinking about myself and that if my birth mother would have taken the easy road out, I wouldn’t even be here is frightening and chilling to me. I think everyone should have a chance to live. She’s pro-choice and just doesn’t seem to understand my viewpoint. She herself says she doesn’t believe in abortion but that it’s not my right to judge and take that “right” away from her. I just can’t see raising children in a household without unified, steadfast value. I just love her so much that this is really really hard on me.

Like I said, please pray.
 
You are standing on high moral ground. Although it is painful for you to lose the love of your life, you must stand firm to what is right. The child in the womb does not have a voice and it is our obligation as Christians to speak for them.

I will pray for you and your fiance.

Peace,
Mickey
 
I would stress how much you love her and care for her. As much as you can explain how this hits home and you are not trying to control her.

I would stress that murdering babies is a sensitive subject for you as human life is precious. Do use the words “murdering babies” this is what it is as many times people will try and get around the reality by not stating the truth.
This is why we use words like “Wardrobe malfunction” instead of “pulling open Janet Jacksons top”.
I used to be pro-contraception before I came back to the Catholic Church and I regret it all the time now. Yet it would be very difficult to change my mind back then as sometimes it takes more than a logical arguement. It takes prayer and much more, so maybe you shouldn’t talk to her straight on as I encouraged in the last paragraph. Pray for discernment, maybe you need to focus on her faith more than the discussion. Bring her to Jesus and that might help, if she is still talking to you.

I will say a prayer for you today, as this sounds like a horrible painful situation to be in.

God Bless
Scylla
 
Marriage isn’t just about romantic love, it’s about compatibility and, most importantly, helping each other attain salvation. You can hardly do that with a woman who can’t see that human life in the womb is every bit as precious as her own.

As painful as it is, detach your affections from this gal and let her go her way. Find a woman whose goals are the same as yours. You’d be surprised how many that is–there are several threads on this very forum discussing the lack of good men for our own Catholic women.
 
I will keep you in my prayers.

I wish there were more men like you in the world. Those men who put God’s wishes in front of their own. You know that you love this women but you also know in the depth of your heart that abortion is wrong and thet fact that you are willing to let go of your earthy love for your eternal love says something about you as a person. Stay strong and trust in God.
 
CNCIBC9 said:
So I’ve been seeing this girl for 3+ years and engaged her over Christmas time. She isn’t a catholic but agreed to let our children be raised catholic.
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I come from a similar situation in my relationship with my wife. When we engaged to be married, we agreed to have our children raised Catholic even though she was not Catholic. However, something I prayed on very very much was if she herself would live a morally Catholic life. This was critically important because even though she was not Catholic, my future children would be influenced by their mother so she needed to be someone who lived as a Catholic regarding its moral issues.

I’ll certainly pray for you. Please keep all of these things in mind as you discern your future relationship. God bless you.
 
PRAYER FOR THE UNBORN CHILD
Almighty God, our Father,
**you who have given us life **
**and intended us to have it forever, **
**grant us your blessings. **
**Enlighten our minds to an awareness **
**and to a renewed conviction **
**that all human life is sacred **
**because it is created **
**in your image and likeness. **
**Help us to teach by word **
**and the example of our lives **
**that life occupies the first place, **
**that human life is precious **
**because it is the gift of God **
**whose love is infinite. **
**Give us the strength to defend human life **
**against every influence **
**or action that threatens or weakens it, **
**as well as the strength **
**to make every life more human **
**in all its aspects. **
Give us the grace…
**When the sacredness of life **
**before birth is attacked, **
**to stand up and proclaim **
**that no one ever has the authority **
to destroy unborn life.
**When a child is described as a burden **
**or is looked upon only as a means **
**to satisfy an emotional need, **
**to stand up **
**and insist that every child is a unique **
**and unrepeatable gift of God, **
**a gift of God **
**with a right to a loving **
and united family.
**When the institution of marriage **
**is abandoned to human selfishness **
**or reduced to a temporary conditional arrangement **
**that can easily be terminated, **
**to stand up and affirm **
the indissolubility of the marriage bond.
**When the value of the family is threatened **
**because of social and economic pressure, **
**to stand up and reaffirm **
**that the family is necessary **
**not only for the private good of every person, **
**but also for the common good of every society, **
nation and state.
**When freedom is used to dominate the weak, **
**to squander natural resources and energy, **
**to deny basic necessities to people, **
**to stand up and affirm **
the demands of justice and social love.
**Almighty Father, **
**give us courage to proclaim the supreme dignity **
**of all human life and to demand **
**that society itself give its protection. **
**We ask this in your name, **
**through the redemptive act **
of your Son and in the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
(Adapted from Pope John Paul II’s homily of October 7, 1979.)
 
CNCIBC9,

Be faithful and steadfast…you will have a better marriage if you refuse to compromise the truth. The Lord will bless you for your stand. This will not ease the current pain that you suffer, but it will certainly brings God’s blessings and you will avoid the much greater pain that would come later should you tacitly consent to indirectly supporting an abortion provider like Planned Parenthood.

Please know that you are in my prayers.
 
The ONLY reason to get married is to help get each other to heaven…

everything after that comes from and after that… jobs, children, friends you choose, etc.

If heaven is the goal… and it should be… your decisions on the other matters will be easier for you. Spend some time in Adoration, and listen to Him.

In the meantime, I am sure you are in the prayers of many.

.
 
Another consideration for your future happiness - a person who works for Planned Parenthood or in any kind of job where they kill babies is not allowed to be married in the Church.

This means that if she follows through with this plan, you would not be able to have a valid sacramental marriage with her.
 
CNCIBC9 said:
So I’ve been seeing this girl for 3+ years and engaged her over Christmas time. She isn’t a catholic but agreed to let our children be raised catholic. Earlier this week she was talking about all these externships she was going to be doing for her major (child development and family studies) and mentioned she was going to do one for Planned Parenthood. And that she might want to work there after graduation. I just said I’d be uncomfortable with that and it has escalated into what seems to be calling off the engagement. She said I was trying to run her life and that this was something she wasn’t going to compromise on. This is the love of my life and we haven’t really spoke in a couple of days. Please pray for me and my situation.

I just didnt want her to be involved in a group that sets people up for abortions, mostly. I’m adopted and the issue REALLY hits home for me. It’s my belief that once another life begins inside the woman, it isn’t a choice anymore, it’s a human being that deserves rights just like anyone else. Just thinking about myself and that if my birth mother would have taken the easy road out, I wouldn’t even be here is frightening and chilling to me. I think everyone should have a chance to live. She’s pro-choice and just doesn’t seem to understand my viewpoint. She herself says she doesn’t believe in abortion but that it’s not my right to judge and take that “right” away from her. I just can’t see raising children in a household without unified, steadfast value. I just love her so much that this is really really hard on me.

Like I said, please pray.
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She is not the girl for you. Consider yourself lucky to have had all this come out before you married her.

A pro-abortion, non-Catholic is NOT the woman you want to mother your children. She will be opposed to the Catholic faith at every turn.

I am sorry you are hurting. Time will heal that pain. Pray for a devout, Catholic spouse.
 
Della said:
Marriage isn’t just about romantic love, it’s about compatibility and, most importantly, helping each other attain salvation. You can hardly do that with a woman who can’t see that human life in the womb is every bit as precious as her own.As painful as it is, detach your affections from this gal and let her go her way. Find a woman whose goals are the same as yours. You’d be surprised how many that is–there are several threads on this very forum discussing the lack of good men for our own Catholic women.
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AMEN to this advice. I was once very close to a young woman and she, although a Catholic, let me know that she did not want to have children because of a heart condition. That meant ABC was going to be a requirement as reliable NFP was unknown at the time(the 50’s). Well it about broke my heart, but I moved on. About a half dozen years later I met and married an Irish Catholic gal who wanted lots of kids. Its been over 45 years now, but I look back and have no regrets. Its easy ijn retrospect, but very much a struggle to work and pray ones way out of such a situation. At the time I was sure I would never find anyone half as nice. God in his providence has been good to me. Trust him!
 
This really is for the best. You can’t raise kids Catholic when mommy is undermining Church teachings with her job. There’s no way she’d verbally support what the Church taught, and eventually your children would be lost to secularist thinking. I am so sorry for you, but find a good orthodox Catholic girl. Parents cannot be divided on religion, even if they are both supportive of the other faiths. By teaching kids the equal validity of two faiths, you just teach them there is also validity in no faith. It sounds like the love of your life would rather have a career than a family, too, and it’s not right to do that to kids, especially when the career is preventing others from having kids. Would your love go along with NFP? Doubt it.
I know so many people who married or dated non-Catholics, and it is so hard for them when they reach the point that they want to embrace their faith fully. Give yourself some time to heal and move on. This is God saving you from yourself.
 
Hello CNCIBC,

Forgive me for looking at hindsight. Obviously, you did not clearly explain to your fiance’ what it means to bring your children up in the Church. Obviously your fianse’ does not expect her children to be taught that thier mother works for a murder mill. Obedience to God is front and foremost important in bringing up your children in the Church. You should have made this clear. One would think that not having sex before marriage, assuming this is the case, would be a clear indicator to your fiancee’, of how your faith will effect your family life, but this is not always the case.

On the other hand, she may have full understanding and she may be using her job selection as an indirect way of getting out of the relationship. She will not have to feel guilty of hurting your feelings if it is you breaking the relationship, because of your faith, and not her. If you break the relationship due to your faith, it would no doubt be better in her mind, than she breaking the relationship over your faith position. Also, she may be using her job sellection as an indirect way to give you the ultimatum of God or her, for the rest of your life. Outside of these senarios, it seems unlikely that a woman, who loved you beyond all other worldly concerns, and knowing the importance of your faith, would put her marriage to you at risk like this. I would bring up all these senarios and ask her to truthfully and directly tell you where she stands on your relationship and your faith.

I highly recomend a marriage counsler, even though you are not yet married, for the two of you and guidance from a priest for yourself as to what the next step should be. And of course, as you have indicated, pray.
 
And please remember, unless this marriage is truly meant to be, the likelyhood of your fiancee being able to “hear” what you are saying is little.

It sounds as if she has some very feminist friends who are advising her along the lines of “do you really want to be married to someone who would try to control your every action, even where you work? You need to make a stand now.”

But MAYBE, she will hear you. DO try to talk to her. Tell her how repugnant it is to hear she wishes to work for people who murder children. Doesn’t matter whether or not she murders anyone, she will be working for and supporting those who do.

But most of all, I will pray for you and God’s will in your life be made manifest to you.

Your sister in Christ,
Maria
 
Steven_Merten said:
On the other hand, she may have full understanding and she may be using her job selection as an indirect way of getting out of the relationship. She will not have to feel guilty of hurting your feelings if it is you breaking the relationship, because of your faith, and not her. If you break the relationship due to your faith, it would no doubt be better in her mind, than she breaking the relationship over your faith position. Also, she may be using her job sellection as an indirect way to give you the ultimatum of God or her, for the rest of your life. Outside of these senarios, it seems unlikely that a woman, who loved you beyond all other worldly concerns, and knowing the importance of your faith, would put her marriage to you at risk like this. I would bring up all these senarios and ask her to truthfully and directly tell you where she stands on your relationship and your faith.
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This is very insightful. Women frequently do things like this. We indirectly act, sometimes even subconsciously.

While this may not be the case with your fiancee, consider these words carefully.
 
This sounds like a deal-breaker.

Maybe if you call it off, she will come around

or maybe you will find a more appropriate mother for your family

or who knows…

but, as much as you are hurting, the prochoice thing is just a big flashing light and siren. She is not for you, not as she is now, anyway.
 
What really pains me is that she doesn’t understand why I reacted the way I did at all and finds it unnacceptable. I explained the adoption thing and that sometimes I try to grasp that my being wouldn’t even be in existence if my birth mother decided it would be easier to have an abortion. She just responded with “well maybe if you feel that way and the thought of someone else choosing abortion makes you feel that uncomfortable than you need help”.

Really offended and hurt me. Appreciate the prayers though. Just so dang hard to find an orthodox catholic girl these days.
 
I have prayed for you and your fiancee. I have also asked the Blessed Mother to keep your situation in her prayers.
 
CNCIBC9 said:
What really pains me is that she doesn’t understand why I reacted the way I did at all and finds it unnacceptable. I explained the adoption thing and that sometimes I try to grasp that my being wouldn’t even be in existence if my birth mother decided it would be easier to have an abortion. She just responded with “well maybe if you feel that way and the thought of someone else choosing abortion makes you feel that uncomfortable than you need help”.

Really offended and hurt me. Appreciate the prayers though. Just so dang hard to find an orthodox catholic girl these days.
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Is this the first time you have talked about abortion or your prolife stance, or did you just assume that “Catholic” explained all that?

If you have discussed this at all, she is definitely trying to make you break it off so she doesn’t feel guilty or trying to manufacture reasons so she can break it off.

If not, then she may be genuinely perplexed and you need to share you beliefs more.

God Bless,
Maria
 
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