I'm in a whole lot of pain right now - Fiancée working at PP

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I just don’t understand how someone could let a career get in the way of an engagement. Especially since there are many other options that wouldn’t offend me. I’ve looked away on so many things and sincerely wish I could do the same here. But I can’t.

She’s not letting a career get in the way of an engagement. This is about her belief system. She is PRO-CHOICE. Whether she works at PP or not is irrelevant. She could take any other job but still hold her pro choice ideals and that could spell disaster for you and your future children.

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This thread really saddens me. For you, for the people she is “counselling”, and for her. Her soul is in jeopardy and she doesn’t even know it. She thiks she is doing the “right” thing by supporting a woman’s right to choose.

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** And, in today’s society, I almost can’t blame her. The issue of abortion and pro choice has been so emotionalized that, without a firm moral compass to guide us, we are made to feel “oppressive” and “insensitive” and “controlling” if we are not “supportive” of “choice”.**

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You have received excellent advice so far and tons of prayers (add mine to that too!). I know this is tough. I know this is depressing. But you are NOT alone. God will always be with you and you can pray for Him to show you His will. By staying with this girl you have been most likely acting on YOUR will. God will be so happy when you abandon your earthly attachments and turn to Him when you are sad and broken. There are better days ahead!!! Trust in Him and you cannot go wrong.

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There are many good ways to find a good, faithful Catholic girl to date IF you are being called to marriage. For now, get involved in pro LIFE issues to reaffirm to yourself why you could never be with someone who thinks that murdering babies is OK for any reason.

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Malia

 

[LSK]

She seems to see this as not that big of an issue and that if I loved her as much as I said I do, I would support it. But this isn’t a small issue! It could potentially mean life vs. death , salvation vs. damnation, etc! I just couldn’t deal with that. I’ve done a lot of things for her that have made me uncomfortable and uneasy but I just can’t in good conscience do this.

I am so sorry for your pain. You have been given some very sound advice from people much wiser than I so I won’t way in on the ‘engagement broken?’ question. What I will tell you is that the pain you are feeling now can do a great deal to help those women who are trying to recover from having abortions. Please offer it up for them.
I know your fiancee does not know about the true origins of PP and the real agenda held to by its founded. I didn’t until recently and it shocked me. In fact, I discovered that a doctor in Stockton, California about 90 years ago felt the same way. When my Grandmother gave birth to my Aunt he tried to ‘tie her tubes’ because afterall she was poor, she was not an American, she couldn’t speak English very well, etc. etc. etc…and we all know how those types breed, right? Like rabbits. Thank heavens his procedure failed…or my mother would never have been born.
It is not a small issue. The eugenics behind PP is real. No one with a love of children would have anything to do with this truly evil organization.
ok - getting off my soap box now…

 

[Island_Oak]

Well…I guess I’m the only one who sees this differently. There was a time in my early adulthood when I was quite adamantly pro choice and even volunteered at PP. It was no doubt part of the process I needed to navigate in order to understand all the aspects of abortion and was a factor, along with maturity and greater reliance on and understanding of my faith, that totally changed my view and values.

You cannot “force” a change of values in your fiancee. At the very least you have been honest with each other. Consider that you may have been brought together very deliberately by God to bring her to the truth.

That said, if she persists in her beliefs and you do not have hope or faith that she is open to learning and reevaluating her position, then you may not, in the end, be compatible. The most important thing for now is to keep talking, listen to her, pray for and with her and push her gently to verbalize her reasoning and really discern her values. When she hears herself trying to defend the destruction of human life, you may bring about a softening of her heart and convictions. You are blessed to have acquired your wisdom early.

 

[estesbob]

What really pains me is that she doesn’t understand why I reacted the way I did at all and finds it unnacceptable. I explained the adoption thing and that sometimes I try to grasp that my being wouldn’t even be in existence if my birth mother decided it would be easier to have an abortion. She just responded with “well maybe if you feel that way and the thought of someone else choosing abortion makes you feel that uncomfortable than you need help”.

Really offended and hurt me. Appreciate the prayers though. Just so dang hard to find an orthodox catholic girl these days.

No way this marriage works. I think you are lucky she took the PP option BEFORE you got married and kids

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Well…I guess I’m the only one who sees this differently.

I don’t think you see it differently, just from a more personal perspective. I don’t think anyone here is demonizing the fiancee, just pointing out that their values are not compatible and would not be a good start for a healthy marriage.

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I think it’s great that you eventually changed your ways. Dr.Laura herself used to be pro choice and into all the feminist propaganda. We all take different paths on our journey of faith. Yours may have started out more bumpy than some, less bumpy than others. It’s where you are now that counts.

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And I agree that God could be using him to plant seeds of faith in her heart. But breaking up may be the only way to germinate them…kind of like pine trees that will not grow unless a forest fire first opens the cones so the seeds can grow.

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Malia

 

[Eliza10]

So I’ve been seeing this girl for 3+ years and engaged her over Christmas time… mentioned she was going to do one for Planned Parenthood. And that she might want to work there after graduation… She said I was trying to run her life and that this was something she wasn’t going to compromise on…

Which begs the question, are you?

… I’m adopted and the issue REALLY hits home for me. …

And more importantly, you’re Catholic.

.

… I just can’t see raising children in a household without unified, steadfast value…

Nor can I.

I just love her so much that this is really really hard on me…

It sounds like either this is her way of backing out because she really doesn’t love you enough, or God is calling you to be a kind of a martyr for the faith.

Certainly it sounds like God has allowed this crisis conflict of wills and values to happen at this pre-wedding time for a reason. I am sorry. But if you do the right thing, the Lord will not let you down in the end.

Sometimes you have to give back to God what is most dear to you. And then trust in Him entirely. And know that you can’t out-give God.

Like I said, please pray.

I will.

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If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it’s yours.

 

[whatevergirl]

So I’ve been seeing this girl for 3+ years and engaged her over Christmas time. She isn’t a catholic but agreed to let our children be raised catholic. Earlier this week she was talking about all these externships she was going to be doing for her major (child development and family studies) and mentioned she was going to do one for Planned Parenthood. And that she might want to work there after graduation. I just said I’d be uncomfortable with that and it has escalated into what seems to be calling off the engagement. She said I was trying to run her life and that this was something she wasn’t going to compromise on. This is the love of my life and we haven’t really spoke in a couple of days. Please pray for me and my situation.

I just didnt want her to be involved in a group that sets people up for abortions, mostly. I’m adopted and the issue REALLY hits home for me. It’s my belief that once another life begins inside the woman, it isn’t a choice anymore, it’s a human being that deserves rights just like anyone else. Just thinking about myself and that if my birth mother would have taken the easy road out, I wouldn’t even be here is frightening and chilling to me. I think everyone should have a chance to live. She’s pro-choice and just doesn’t seem to understand my viewpoint. She herself says she doesn’t believe in abortion but that it’s not my right to judge and take that “right” away from her. I just can’t see raising children in a household without unified, steadfast value. I just love her so much that this is really really hard on me.

Like I said, please pray.

ugh…what a tough spot. i feel for you, and will keep you and her in my prayers. Here’s the thing though…although you feel like she is the love of your life, you must decide…is this something I can compromise on? If you think she is the love of your life, God might not think so. It’s a tough call, and she may be an awesome person, but compromising on issues like this will really erupt if not reflected upon now. It’s not easy, but if she truly won’t budge…after serious prayer and discussion with her, then this might not be the right person for you–for a lifetime. Before you marry her, make sure you are both on the same page, when it comes to God. Just my $.02.

 

[whatevergirl]

Another consideration for your future happiness - a person who works for Planned Parenthood or in any kind of job where they kill babies is not allowed to be married in the Church.

This means that if she follows through with this plan, you would not be able to have a valid sacramental marriage with her.

that’s a great point

 

[porthos11]

I just love her so much that this is really really hard on me.

Not necessarily. You probably have strong feelings for her, but not necessarily love. The real love needed in a marriage is that which is brought forth from the will, long after the feelings have faded.

I don’t want to sound insensitive, but you have the right moral position. I see no other choice in the matter. She must renounce her attachment to PP and the abortion industry, or you must part ways.

 

[TNT]

If you think breaking up an engagement is bad, consider a protracted divorce after 5 yrs & 2 kids!
Finding out this early is such a mercy.

My only advice is to lay low and avoid communication for 2-6 weeks.
Familiarity breeds contempt (at least for your position) &
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Both truisms
I have no doubt that all of us together could name a thousand couples that said “If only I had known before we were married…”

 

[Gamera]

Imagine if somebody posted : “I’ve found a great potential mate, but she refuses to give up her internship at the Ku Klux Klan.” How is this situation any different? You’re talking about an organization that exists for the purpose of killing. Someone who works for it is not a suitable mate for a Catholic.

Sorry that you are in this awful situation. But the correct choice is clear. Painful as it is to lose someone you care for, the fact remains that someone who actively collaborates in the holocaust of abortion is not an appropriate life partner for you.

 

[lotusblossom]

I’m sorry to hear about your situation and you and your fiancee will be in my prayers. I understand your passion with being pro-life, being adopted myself- my birthmother an unwed, teenager. I don’t have any other advice than what all the previous posters have said, since their advice is sound and thorough. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and even if this seems like the most difficult time in your life, God must have someone out there for you who not only will respect your beliefs, but SHARE them as well.

I went through several relationships, all non-Catholic, all challenging to say the least, before I met my husband. I had finally given my singleness to God to handle and He sent me this wonderful man who believes the same as I do. Like others have said, it is of most importance to have the same beliefs esp. one that is so central to our faith and, well, life in general . I pray that your fiancee will see the truth, but it may not be through you, although you may be planting a seed. I hope all goes well and you find solace in Christ’s arms.

 

[Black_Jaque]

You’re finding out why we are often referred to as “Christian Soldiers”. It’s painful to be Christian.

You do what’s right now, and all of Heaven will sing odes to your honor and glory.

Don’t blow the opportunity to do God’s will.

Onward Christian Soldier!

 

[raggakitten]

I’m so sorry to read what you’re going through…

Though it must be painful because you love her, do you REALLY think it’s a safe environment to raise children with good values with a person that thinks that helping others to kill their babies is simply OK???

I mean, we’re not talking about a bad/annoying habit here, we’re talking about morals and compatibility, about how EVERY single day of your married life you could be struggling with someone who doesn’t even have the BASICS for respecting the life of a human being…

How will you react if while being married she decides that she doesn’t want as many kids as God wants to, so she decides she’s gonna use contraception… What will you do then?
Just let her kill all your possible babies in a monthly basis?

And I mean, I don’t blame people who married someone not catholic before they got back to the Church, because those people only have the option of praying and hoping for their spouse to change.

But, maybe God is giving you a straight sign right now, telling you that maybe that person is NOT for you. After all, love is not only about feelings, is a commitment, and apparently she has left it clear that she won’t commit to your most important values in life.

Marriage is not a game, at least we can’t afford to keep making it a game in today’s society…
The most basic values are being lost, and by marrying someone who goes pro those bad choices in life, you’re only contributing to another potential failed marriage.

Choose GOD FIRST, and then He’ll bless you even more in the long run.
Noone said that being a Christian would be easy all the time, but at the end God will bless you greatly for the good choiced you’ve made in life…

Pray, pray with all your might, and God will show you the truth, and without a doubt you’ll understand that you’re doing a great thing for your life.

God bless you!

 

[CNCIBC9]

Thank you all for your sound advice. I have many flashes of “Oh man that reminds me of her and all the fun we’ve had…” throughout each day and I must admit that my faith has wavered on more than one occasion. Each time this happens , I can only pray for mercy. I really wish I could attend daily mass but my school/work schedule doesn’t allow it. Mass really makes me feel better.

I will go back to answer some specific questions here but do know that I appreciate all the prayers.

 

[CNCIBC9]

What kinds of things? Looking back, would you say any of them were warning signs that something like this might come up?

Tons of warning signs that I have had weighing on my conscience for a long time. So much so, in fact that I haven’t received communion in months and had regularly skipped masses out of shame. I don’t want to go into details, but let’s just say she had guilted me into doing many things I did not want to do after my reversion to the Church when I was sick.

She has also done 2 things to me during our time together that have made my life a living hell. 1) She broke up with me without warning on my birthday while I was in the hospital due to a bout with my chronic colitis (i was in the hospital for 2 weeks and this is when I took Catholicism up). She came around about 2 months later apologizing and whatnot and I forgave her and took her back because I loved her. 2) I don’t like the party/drinking scene (and neither did she when we started dating, but that changed) and once while visiting a friend, kissed another man at a party. Again, hurt me really bad but I forgave her.

She wasn’t willing to leave our hometown so i had to change my major and job outlook all around just to be with her and now this happens. Her “compromises” have been that she was willing to get married in the Church (which wouldn’t even be possible given her career plans) and raising the kids Catholic (again, impossible).

So as you can see, it would appear that she certainly is not the one for me. I just had so many good times and loved her so much that I was willing to overlook many things that I did not like about her. Her quote was “my husband should love everything about me and support me always”. I personally thing this is the stuff out of fairy tales and that nobody loves EVERYTHING about their significant other. Needless to say I’m going to confession on Saturday and really look forward to receiving the Eucharist again.

It’s still really hard though, as I’ve said before.

May the steel of the Holy Spirit be in my spine
And the love of the Blessed Virgin fill my heart

Thank you again for the prayers.

God Bless.

 

[raggakitten]

Tons of warning signs that I have had weighing on my conscience for a long time. So much so, in fact that I haven’t received communion in months and had regularly skipped masses out of shame. I don’t want to go into details, but let’s just say she had guilted me into doing many things I did not want to do after my reversion to the Church when I was sick.

If I’m thinking exactly what it is…
This woman doesn’t value you as a person, but as an OBJECT of every single of her wishes… It’s selfish, and definitely the signs were there…

She has also done 2 things to me during our time together that have made my life a living hell. 1) She broke up with me without warning on my birthday while I was in the hospital due to a bout with my chronic colitis (i was in the hospital for 2 weeks and this is when I took Catholicism up). She came around about 2 months later apologizing and whatnot and I forgave her and took her back because I loved her. 2) I don’t like the party/drinking scene (and neither did she when we started dating, but that changed) and once while visiting a friend, kissed another man at a party. Again, hurt me really bad but I forgave her.

THAT is a potential divorce… She is an unstable person, weren’t you worried that she was just gonna take off in the middle of your marriage leaving you shocked and probably with kids???
She has MANY signs that she’s not a woman that should be getting married ANY day… Not even to a non-catholic!

This is a woman, that could possibly cheat on her husband, leave her kids, become an alcoholic party monster, oh my, and that just behind the whole “I’m pro-choice, take it or leave it” type of attitude!

She wasn’t willing to leave our hometown so i had to change my major and job outlook all around just to be with her and now this happens. Her “compromises” have been that she was willing to get married in the Church (which wouldn’t even be possible given her career plans) and raising the kids Catholic (again, impossible).

Again, SELFISH.

So as you can see, it would appear that she certainly is not the one for me. I just had so many good times and loved her so much that I was willing to overlook many things that I did not like about her. Her quote was “my husband should love everything about me and support me always”. I personally thing this is the stuff out of fairy tales and that nobody loves EVERYTHING about their significant other. Needless to say I’m going to confession on Saturday and really look forward to receiving the Eucharist again.

It would appear??? I can with ALL certainty say that SHE’S NOT THE ONE FOR YOU, AND SHE NEVER WAS.
In my opinion, you overlooked too many things that could have been dangerous for your mental health and soul…
Where is your self-respect that you were willing to take EVERYTHING that that woman would do to you?

What she wants is not a husband, but a SLAVE to her every selfish wish.

This should serve as a lesson to you… Next time, don’t cheapen your worth and don’t settle for ANYTHING but a good catholic woman, if any woman is showing signs that she doesn’t respect you, be it physically by making you sin, your dignity by cheating on you, or in any other degrading way, just stop going out with her.
Is better to wait until the right one comes along than having to be treated as an object.

God will give you the strength because nothing is impossible for The Almighty!

It’s still really hard though, as I’ve said before.

May the steel of the Holy Spirit be in my spine
And the love of the Blessed Virgin fill my heart

Thank you again for the prayers.

God Bless.

It IS hard now, but God will heal ALL your wounds, just keep relying on Him!
I’ll keep you in my prayers!

 

[Rach620]

I think the single statement out of which ALL the problems regarding relationships, failed marriages, and sexual ethics come today is that “Love is a feeling.”

It’s not. Never has been. Never will be. It’s a choice, undoubtedly one accompanied with some wonderfully good feelings, but a choice nonetheless. Love–willing the highest good for another human being (heaven!)–endures even when the feelings aren’t there.

That seems to have been your fiancee’s problem (and she shares it with many, many women who have watched one-too-many romantic comedies!). She thought love was about feeling ‘in love’… so when she didn’t (ie, when you were in the hospital and needed her caring self-gift the most) feel it, she left you (or forced you to feel like you were leaving her). She doesn’t understand that pleasing her should not be your highest goal in life–that pleasing God is what is important, and that in doing that you will be working for her happiness as well. When people don’t get that, petty things, feelings and frustrations get in the way.

Finding the right person, especially during the college/young adult years, especially in today’s culture, is exceedingly difficult.

I know of many people my age (I’m a sophomore in college) who are in what I’d consider to be long relationships (3+ years), but who have somehow managed to avoid major discussions about their faith, beliefs, values, goals, etc. The beginning of a relationship is so exciting–getting to know the likes and dislikes of a person, feeling that attraction, flirting a bit–but those feelings are not the extent of the relationship. After awhile (IMO, 6 months to a year) those MUST deepen into something more…into a recognition that you share something beyond attraction with this person.

Lots of couples ignore that, and get used to being with eachother, relying emotionally on the other person whom they actually don’t seem to know too well. They have fun, they are physically intimate, they grow closer. So they moves towards engagement and marriage…all of these issues un-addressed. Questions about how open to children they will be in their marriage, how they will choose their careers, what faith they plan on raising their children in, their beliefs about sexual ethics…all are left for later. Then they marry and divorce, because they ‘fall out of love,’ after realizing that they have major unresolvable differences and were not prepared to commit to spending their lives together.

It sounds like discovering that this girl was not the one for you–especially at this stage of the game, before you would have been married–was a blessing, though one of course accompanied by some heartache. It is truly exciting that you are returning fully to your faith after perhaps some bad choices which she helped lead you to–God can only have growth and an excellent plan for you!

You’re in my prayers! (…and so is your exceedingly misguided (ex)-fiancee.)

 

[Beno]

I fully understand your situation. Kinda been there myself. While the hurt you have is pretty painful, it pales to the hurt you would have in your future if you marry her and later find yourselves struggling to live in love and possibly divorced.

I was once married for 10 years (outside of the Church) to a woman who had an abortion several years prior to our meeting. While she declared that she would never again have an abortion, her pro-choice views did not change. After my reversion back to the Church, this issue became the “elephant in the room” in our marriage. Her anti-Catholicism and pro-choice views were the largest reasons that our marriage was doomed to failure. We divorced w/2 children. The pain was intense and there is still some fall-out over our split.

It is extremely fortunate that at this stage in your life, that you are a practicing Catholic with strong pro-life views. This has served to prevent you from entering a marriage would most likely end in failure. As painful as it is, accept that this relationship is not to be, and then thank God, if you are able, for the opportunity to travel another path more suited to what is best for you and God’s kingdom. My prayers to you.

 

[Katie1723]

Another consideration for your future happiness - a person who works for Planned Parenthood or in any kind of job where they kill babies is not allowed to be married in the Church.

This means that if she follows through with this plan, you would not be able to have a valid sacramental marriage with her.

I am curious…where does it state this?

Kathy