I'm in a whole lot of pain right now - Fiancée working at PP

[calchiquita]

What really pains me is that she doesn’t understand why I reacted the way I did at all and finds it unnacceptable. I explained the adoption thing and that sometimes I try to grasp that my being wouldn’t even be in existence if my birth mother decided it would be easier to have an abortion. She just responded with “well maybe if you feel that way and the thought of someone else choosing abortion makes you feel that uncomfortable than you need help”.

Really offended and hurt me. Appreciate the prayers though. Just so dang hard to find an orthodox catholic girl these days.

I am a convert to the Catholic faith. This is what being tossed about by any wind of doctrine can lead to. I could believe before that just about anything was ok, since so many Christian churches taught so many different things, you begin to see truth as relative. IMO
I am actually praying more for her than for you because she will not be able to see this without God’s help.

 

[CNCIBC9]

Is this the first time you have talked about abortion or your prolife stance, or did you just assume that “Catholic” explained all that?

If you have discussed this at all, she is definitely trying to make you break it off so she doesn’t feel guilty or trying to manufacture reasons so she can break it off.

If not, then she may be genuinely perplexed and you need to share you beliefs more.

God Bless,
Maria

I guess we’ve only talked about this once (in 3+ years or dating!) and it was around the beginning of the courtship. I knew her stance on not being judgemental about women who choose to do this but never thought she’d be entering a career where she’d present it as an option! When she said she was going into “human development and family studies” i figured she’d be consueling kids and families in other ways.

She seems to see this as not that big of an issue and that if I loved her as much as I said I do, I would support it. But this isn’t a small issue! It could potentially mean life vs. death , salvation vs. damnation, etc! I just couldn’t deal with that. I’ve done a lot of things for her that have made me uncomfortable and uneasy but I just can’t in good conscience do this.

 

[MariaG]

I guess we’ve only talked about this once (in 3+ years or dating!) and it was around the beginning of the courtship. I knew her stance on not being judgemental about women who choose to do this but never thought she’d be entering a career where she’d present it as an option! When she said she was going into “human development and family studies” i figured she’d be consueling kids and families in other ways.

She seems to see this as not that big of an issue and that if I loved her as much as I said I do, I would support it. But this isn’t a small issue! It could potentially mean life vs. death , salvation vs. damnation, etc! I just couldn’t deal with that. I’ve done a lot of things for her that have made me uncomfortable and uneasy but I just can’t in good conscience do this.

Oh. You both made some assumptions about each other. She does not understand how you won’t support her, I mean you’ve KNOWN what she was majoring in.

And you don’t understand how she could do what she is doing. I mean she KNOWS you are Catholic and even agreed to raise the kids Catholic.

But there is alot unsaid in there in which this disagreement stems from. You owe it to her to sit down, without hedging and explain that you are sorry. You did not understand what kind of career she would be pursuing. And even though you know she doesn’t agree, her career choice at planned parenthood is not compatible with your faith in God and in the sanctity of life.

This is no ones “fault”. Both of you “assumed” that the other person “understood” what the major meant and what raising children Catholic meant. I am truly sorry for it appears that you will be unable to resolve this satisfactorily, since the only satisfactory result for you as a Catholic Christian is her choosing a different direction with her career, and she does not appear to be willing to do that.

I am sorry.

 

[Della]

I guess we’ve only talked about this once (in 3+ years or dating!) and it was around the beginning of the courtship. I knew her stance on not being judgemental about women who choose to do this but never thought she’d be entering a career where she’d present it as an option! When she said she was going into “human development and family studies” i figured she’d be consueling kids and families in other ways.

She seems to see this as not that big of an issue and that if I loved her as much as I said I do, I would support it. But this isn’t a small issue! It could potentially mean life vs. death , salvation vs. damnation, etc! I just couldn’t deal with that. I’ve done a lot of things for her that have made me uncomfortable and uneasy but I just can’t in good conscience do this.

This says it all, really. If she has had you conpromise before on issues that are important to you, she will keep expecting you to give into her wishes for the next 50 years!

This gal isn’t thinking about you, nor does she really love you. She wants what she wants not what both of you want. Get out now, and be thankful you found out how unyielding and opposed to all you hold dear now she is before had to go through a nasty divorce possibly with children caught in the middle.

And there are lots of good Catholic women. Volunteer at your parish in events in which such young women would be active, such as pro-life projects. You’ll definitely find a sympathetic wife among women who are working to keep children alive instead of challenging you to abandon your deepest held beliefs for her.

 

[MilesXpisti]

I guess we’ve only talked about this once (in 3+ years or dating!) and it was around the beginning of the courtship. I knew her stance on not being judgemental about women who choose to do this but never thought she’d be entering a career where she’d present it as an option! When she said she was going into “human development and family studies” i figured she’d be consueling kids and families in other ways.

She seems to see this as not that big of an issue and that if I loved her as much as I said I do, I would support it. But this isn’t a small issue! It could potentially mean life vs. death , salvation vs. damnation, etc! I just couldn’t deal with that. I’ve done a lot of things for her that have made me uncomfortable and uneasy but I just can’t in good conscience do this.

My friend, you will be the subject of my prayers at Chapel today. This situation, especially the “not being judgemental of woman that ‘choose’ it”, would have had my alarms going off immediately. It’s a phrase I’ve heard too many times to make the barbarism of abortion seem enlightened.

I sincerely pray that our Lord softens your hurt and that you find a woman upright and good in the faith, who will be a glory to you and your children.

 

[DJgang]

Wow, I’m sorry. I’m not Catholic, but very, very Pro-Life and would absolutely have nothing to do with anyone who supports/works or anything with PP. So, I definitely see your upset. I agree with everyone here. I’ll pray for you both. Better that this all came out now rather than later!

 

[CNCIBC9]

I just don’t understand how someone could let a career get in the way of an engagement. Especially since there are many other options that wouldn’t offend me. I’ve looked away on so many things and sincerely wish I could do the same here. But I can’t.

 

[Della]

I just don’t understand how someone could let a career get in the way of an engagement. Especially since there are many other options that wouldn’t offend me. I’ve looked away on so many things and sincerely wish I could do the same here. But I can’t.

When choosing a mate you have to look past the stars in your eyes to see the real person. We here aren’t in love with your gf so we can see more clearly than you that this is not the gal for you. Like all of us, you need someone who will support not just what you believe, but what you both want to accomplish together. Sadly, you aren’t going to get that with this gal no matter how much you might compromise for her.

 

[shirleytowers]

Good thing this has come up before a wedding…if it came up after, it would be much worse. I would worry whether she would make the right decisions about NFP and babies and all.

 

[rayne89]

There is no possible way you could raise your children Catholic while their mother works for an abortion provider. It is not compatible. God does not come second to anyone not even your fiance’. As much as you love this woman she has no understanding of your faith or she would not ask you to compromise it in the name of love -because that is not possible. God’s laws come before anything and everything in our lives.

I’m sure you are broken hearted. Truly it is better now than in the midst of a failing marriage. You’d be hard pressed to find a priest to marry you to begin with, with your girlfriend actively participating in the planned parenthood organization. This is a lose-lose situation if you continue this relationship. Either your marriage will suffer or your faith will suffer. For the sake of your future children, as hard as it is, you need to let this girl go.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[beckers]

I guess we’ve only talked about this once (in 3+ years or dating!) and it was around the beginning of the courtship. I knew her stance on not being judgemental about women who choose to do this but never thought she’d be entering a career where she’d present it as an option! When she said she was going into “human development and family studies” i figured she’d be consueling kids and families in other ways.

She seems to see this as not that big of an issue and that if I loved her as much as I said I do, I would support it. But this isn’t a small issue! It could potentially mean life vs. death , salvation vs. damnation, etc! I just couldn’t deal with that. I’ve done a lot of things for her that have made me uncomfortable and uneasy but I just can’t in good conscience do this.

AMEN! I know it is hard to think about leaving someone you love but i can tell from this post that your faith is not just a part of your life but is the core of who you are. You have a desire to put God at the center of it. Your future wife doesn’t seem to do the same. Maybe this is a learning experience. For me when i broke of realtionship off for a similar reason it was because no matter how i tried to jusitify it God was more important. i would rather stay single then be in a relationship that made me compromise my faith and morals.

Keep this song from Rascal Flats in your head it is very true:

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

 

[CNCIBC9]

AMEN! I know it is hard to think about leaving someone you love but i can tell from this post that your faith is not just a part of your life but is the core of who you are. You have a desire to put God at the center of it. Your future wife doesn’t seem to do the same. Maybe this is a learning experience. For me when i broke of realtionship off for a similar reason it was because no matter how i tried to jusitify it God was more important. i would rather stay single then be in a relationship that made me compromise my faith and morals.

Keep this song from Rascal Flats in your head it is very true:

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That used to be “our” song

I’ve talked to her a few times perhaps trying to work out something but it appears she’s totally unwilling to compromise and now I think it’s really over.

I’m going to talk to a priest (confession and counsel) on thursday. Really looking forward to that. I need some type of guidance here. I’m pretty depressed about the whole situation and afraid of being alone. Hopefully my schedule permits me to join the Ohio State Catholic Students Society. I think it’s something I really need.

Thank God for the Church.

 

[jrabs]

I am sorry for your pain.

Yes, God is good and loving and you listened to Him and selected to stand with God in this difficult heart wrenching choice. He will heal your pain. I will say some prayers for healing and peace for you.

 

[beckers]

That used to be “our” song

I’ve talked to her a few times perhaps trying to work out something but it appears she’s totally unwilling to compromise and now I think it’s really over.

I’m going to talk to a priest (confession and counsel) on thursday. Really looking forward to that. I need some type of guidance here. I’m pretty depressed about the whole situation and afraid of being alone. Hopefully my schedule permits me to join the Ohio State Catholic Students Society. I think it’s something I really need.

Thank God for the Church.

Now i feel about this big…I was thinking of the song because it was on the radio when i replied. I like thinking about the fact that we have each had a paths in life and though we may not have understood it as we were walking the path…in the end the path lead us to the one we are suppose to share our lives with. It’s one of those things that keeps me going after a relationship. To know that if i thought this last person was so great and they didn’t work out then that means that the next person God has planned for me is going to be so much more of my match. Sometimes you really do have to let Go and trust God.

On a personal note if this women will not listen to your views, on such an important issue, as the spiritual head of the household then she is not the Godly women you need. Even if i didn’t necessarly agree with my (future) Husband I would submit to his wishes because as the spiritual head of the household and as my love I would trust and have faith that he was not leading us down the wrong path…

 

[Catherine_Grant]

Note from Moderator:

This thread garnered so much advice that I moved it to the Family Life forum. If you would like to give advice, please continue do so here.

Please also join me in offering prayers for the couple’s direction on the thread in Prayer Intentions.

 

[LittleRose]

I just don’t understand how someone could let a career get in the way of an engagement. Especially since there are many other options that wouldn’t offend me.

This is a sign of where her priorities truly are. Don’t expect them to change after the wedding.

I’ve looked away on so many things and sincerely wish I could do the same here. But I can’t.

What kinds of things? Looking back, would you say any of them were warning signs that something like this might come up?

It’s better to be alone than to be with a spouse who puts her career over the relationship, and especially a career in Planned Parenthood. And what’s going to happen if she gets unexpectedly pregnant, and doesn’t want the child? Legally, you won’t have any say in her choice, even if you are her husband.

And for her to suggest that you need therapy because your own background has taught you to appreciate the value of human life is disgusting. What kind of respect can you expect her to show for you as her husband with that kind of attitude?

Sometimes, when we love people, we can’t stand idly by and let them do something wrong without saying or doing anything. Ending the engagement would certainly make sense in terms of protecting yourself, and also giving her something to think about. She may not think about it now, but maybe she will later.

 

[Red_Meg]

Wow.

Barring your finacee having a really radical, Paul-on-the-road-to-Damascus-type change of heart, this is your cue to call off the engagement.

Look, even when a husband and wife are on the same page with regards to the critical religious and moral question, marriage still has its difficult moments. If you guys aren’t even on the same page to begin with (and you really aren’t) I can’t imagine the kind of trouble you’re setting yourself up for.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but disagreeing on really fundamental questions like the value of human life (not to mention all the other dehumanizing stuff PP promotes re. contraception/ promiscuity/homosexuality/etc.) has to be a deal-breaker.

I know you can’t see this right now, but God has done you a huge favor by preventing you from permanently binding yourself to the wrong person. He did the same thing for me once upon a time. It hurt like crazy for a while. I cried and cried, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. Now that I look back at what a train-wreck that relationship would have turned into, and what a wonderful guy I ended up marrying instead, I am eternally grateful. Your Father-God is good and has your best interests at heart. Trust Him now more than ever and He will not disappoint you.

Margaret

 

[masondoggy]

I think any man should really seriously consider the risks involved in marrying (or having sex with) a woman who is “pro-choice”.

What happens if you marry this girl, she gets pregnant with your child…decides for whatever reason that the pregnancy shouldn’t continue? There’s nothing you can do to stop her from murdering *your *child. And if you think that’s unlikely, think again.

 

[tamccrackine]

My prayers are with you during this time. Please do not fear being “alone.” You are never alone because Christ is always with you.

I am glad you are standing your ground because reading through your responses, my warning bell of “what if she aborts without telling you?” comes to mind. And working at PP, she’ll be able to do it very easily just by “going to work.”

It may not seem possible right now, but God has someone waiting for you. Please keep praying about her.

As odd as it may seem… Thank you. Thank you for standing up for your beliefs and for not supporting her. With you taking a stand, someday, she’ll realize she “lost the catch of the year” and she’ll have no one to blame but herself.

Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

 

[Nechasin]

Hopefully my schedule permits me to join the Ohio State Catholic Students Society. I think it’s something I really need.

Thank God for the Church.

I would encourage you to join the Ohio State Catholic Students Society. While I didn’t have quite the same expierence as you. I dated a non-catholic for 2+ years before I realized it wouldn’t work. I decided after that relationship that I would only date Catholics. The first mass I went to after that decision, the homily was on how there wasn’t just one person for everyong. We do have a choice in who we choose as a spouse, so why not make life that much easier and choose a Catholic. I was floored because of my decision the previous week. I met my future wife about a month after that, and we started dating about seven months later.

I will keep you my prayers.