I'm not catholic but I'm dating one. I need some advice

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Hello everyone.
I’m new and I am in need of some advice. You’ll see I’m rather lost so anything will help. I really tried hard not to break any rules so I apologize in advance and will remedy it as notified. I don’t really know where else to go.
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     I just started dating this wonderful woman. She told me she was a practicing Roman Catholic. I didn't know what that meant beyond she is Catholic. She also mentioned she is pro-life. She knows I am not Catholic but grew up in a Christian home. Also every book she ever talked about was about Catholic faith. I mean, she really does practice this. She treasures anything she can do within the faith.
I’m concerned that I’m not the right guy for her. That is basically where all the other concerns are derived from. She is very interested in me and I in her. But I haven’t opened the bible to read more than one or two versus on my own in the past ten years and she has read the bible more than six times in four different languages and will continue to do so in more!

I’m also concerned with this notion of pro-life. To me it means that you wont abort an unborn child. We haven’t discussed it but I’m assuming to her it means the same plus no contraception. And that scares me a little because of family bonding issues (the more you have the less time you can spend with each one) and financial responsibility. Plus if you have to go along with natural family planning then sex is so infrequent.

I have no problem waiting until marriage. But once it comes to marriage I’d like the rules to go away! I’m an extremely respectful understanding and loving person. But I’m already feeling rejected by the expectations I have of our future. How is she going to react when I want to be involved in an act that wont fully intentionally lead to the possibility of a baby? I don’t want her to be uncomfortable with anything. She is so nice and sweet she deserves everything she wants. I don’t even know what she wants. I’m terrified to bring up sex to her. I don’t mind talking about sex usually, but I’m already feeling like she’ll be completely disgusted that I even bring it up.

I just feel rather conflicted because I like her so much and feel connected to her.

She has this awesome relationship with God. I feel safe to say she is more involved than I have ever seen anyone. I’m worried that since I’m not on par with that I will bring her down. How far down? What if it is only 0.01% Yes, 0.01%. That is a negative direction! How can I possibly strengthen her relationship with God? Especially when I don’t feel comfortable with all the regulation and rules over sex and love. I guess I’m kind of hoping in the back of my mind that no one is as strict as the material suggests they should be. I mean if we’re in love what is wrong with expressing that love in a natural way (considering we’re married). I guess the definition of natural is where the confusion comes into play. I guess I feel you can do more than a few positions/acts and still keep it natural and completely full of love. (Obviously though, what I feel has nothing to do with what the Church advises! lol)
 
My advice is don’t. You have already said that you would feel rejected by all of the artificial limits on sex and love. That feeling won’t get any better once you fall in love and give her your heart. You think its sad to think about having such infrequent sex? Its going to be worse when you’re lying next to her and want that closeness and she tells you no.

Being with you will take a toll on her too. She will constantly feel torn between you and her faith, and she’ll always worry about whether or not you really respect her beliefs. On top of that there’s the loneliness of not being able to share her faith with you, or look to you for spiritual guidance.

It doesn’t mean that you aren’t both wonderful people, it just means that you’ll never be able to give each other what you really want and need. And that’s really ok. As hard as it may be not every good person is compatible with every other good person.

Honestly, the Catholic view on sexuality is one that would make me very sad. But of course, living my beliefs on sexuality would break a devout Catholic’s heart. That’s why we shouldn’t be together.
 
PaperPlate said:
Hello everyone.
I’m new and I am in need of some advice. You’ll see I’m rather lost so anything will help. I really tried hard not to break any rules so I apologize in advance and will remedy it as notified. I don’t really know where else to go.
Code: 
     I just started dating this wonderful woman. She told me she was a practicing Roman Catholic. I didn't know what that meant beyond she is Catholic. She also mentioned she is pro-life. She knows I am not Catholic but grew up in a Christian home. Also every book she ever talked about was about Catholic faith. I mean, she really does practice this. She treasures anything she can do within the faith.
I’m concerned that I’m not the right guy for her. That is basically where all the other concerns are derived from. She is very interested in me and I in her. But I haven’t opened the bible to read more than one or two versus on my own in the past ten years and she has read the bible more than six times in four different languages and will continue to do so in more!

I’m also concerned with this notion of pro-life. To me it means that you wont abort an unborn child. We haven’t discussed it but I’m assuming to her it means the same plus no contraception. And that scares me a little because of family bonding issues (the more you have the less time you can spend with each one) and financial responsibility. Plus if you have to go along with natural family planning then sex is so infrequent.

I have no problem waiting until marriage. But once it comes to marriage I’d like the rules to go away! I’m an extremely respectful understanding and loving person. But I’m already feeling rejected by the expectations I have of our future. How is she going to react when I want to be involved in an act that wont fully intentionally lead to the possibility of a baby? I don’t want her to be uncomfortable with anything. She is so nice and sweet she deserves everything she wants. I don’t even know what she wants. I’m terrified to bring up sex to her. I don’t mind talking about sex usually, but I’m already feeling like she’ll be completely disgusted that I even bring it up.

I just feel rather conflicted because I like her so much and feel connected to her.

She has this awesome relationship with God. I feel safe to say she is more involved than I have ever seen anyone. I’m worried that since I’m not on par with that I will bring her down. How far down? What if it is only 0.01% Yes, 0.01%. That is a negative direction! How can I possibly strengthen her relationship with God? Especially when I don’t feel comfortable with all the regulation and rules over sex and love. I guess I’m kind of hoping in the back of my mind that no one is as strict as the material suggests they should be. I mean if we’re in love what is wrong with expressing that love in a natural way (considering we’re married). I guess the definition of natural is where the confusion comes into play. I guess I feel you can do more than a few positions/acts and still keep it natural and completely full of love. (Obviously though, what I feel has nothing to do with what the Church advises! lol)
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You may have some skewed views on the marital act – and it’s completion, I suspect. You need to learn more about this – and what is natural. Foreplay differs than the completion of the act, in the Church. However, yes there are other prohibitions and I don’t think you are fully informed. You need to learn this for yourself before even thinking of marriage.

And if you love this woman, you should not even want to bring her down – regardless of whether or not you share a faith or not.

Family planning will also be an issue since artificial birth control is prohibited. A practicing Catholic will not be able to be forced to use ABC and it may lead to a marriage that, in the eyes of the Catholic Church, was never a marriage at all if you attempt to impose your will.

I would suggest that it’s premature to think of marriage with this woman until 1) you learn more about what the Church teaches on marriage from official sites and documents and 2) then find out if she will even consider ever marrying outside of her faith.

You can start here – but remember the completion of the act must be within the teachings of the Catholic Church. The marital act, cannot be completed outside of the woman’s body. You may also have some misconceptions about natural as opposed to foreplay.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=8785227&postcount=1

It’s problematic for those of two different faiths to marry and find compromise, while the Catholic partner remains within her faith and the other either does not understand, respect, or does not agree to follow the faith with the Catholic spouse. It does make for a stronger marriage when you are both on the same page.

Your concerns are justified. This is a woman who has read the Bible in 4 different languages. That should tell you that she likely is a strong adherent to her faith.
 
Let’s get down to brass tacks, as we say in the UK.

If you’re worried about not having enough sexual intercourse with your wife after you’re married (because, by the sounds of this lovely lady, you won’t be having intercourse before you’re married, will you…?)… then don’t.

NFP is the management of intercourse around a lady’s natural cycle, am I right?

Let’s take some rough numbers: if your wife is in her fertile period for, say, 5 or 6 days in every 28, with an allowance of a couple of days for ‘safety’, that means about 20 days a month are safe for intercourse.

I think 20 days EVERY month during which intercourse is safe to pursue is an abundance of riches, don’t you?

It should be perfectly possible to have a deeply satisfying love life with your spouse without having to resort to artificial contraception. And, loving one’s spouse is not limited to just the sexual act. It’s also to do with caring and compassion, affection and cuddles, signs and symbols, give and take, listening and communication both in and out of the bedroom.

Don’t worry about it. If you love the object of your affections enough, you’ll give way to the things that need to be given way to. Likewise, there may be things that don’t conflict with her given beliefs that she will give way to for your own happiness too. It is that act of giving for the joy of the other person that makes a good marriage.

Understand her needs in respect of sexual activity being reserved for marriage. Make your love MORE than just sex, because that’s what it NEEDS to be for any relationship/marriage to be a success.

Good luck and God bless you.
 
Catholics believe that one of the primary responsibilities of a spouse is to help them get to heaven. If you love her, love what she loves — her Faith.

Would it be so horrible if you became Catholic?

Talk to her about what she loves about the Church, and about being Catholic. Let her tell you about her life long love affair - the one she has with Christ and His Church. If she loves you back, she will want to share this with you. Not just now, but for the rest of your lives.

There is love that makes us all warm and fuzzy when we meet someone, that makes us want to be with them all the time, and get to know them more. Then there is love that lasts a life time — that love is a decision, not a feeling. God gives us the first type of love to bring us together, He gives us the second type of love to keep us there. Love — TRUE love — is hard work, it is a sacrifice and and a decision we make to be with the one we know is the best person to help us get to heaven.

I think you need to think not so much about how to accommodate her, but start thinking about how to be what she needs you to be - and that would be a good Catholic husband.

Next time you go out, ask her about her Faith. Ask to go to Mass with her ( you cannot receive Holy Communion, but you can go and participate in every other way). Then ask her questions about it.

She really sounds worth it.

~Liza
 
Leegal said:
You may have some skewed views on the marital act – and it’s completion, I suspect. You need to learn more about this – and what is natural. Foreplay differs than the completion of the act, in the Church. However, yes there are other prohibitions and I don’t think you are fully informed. You need to learn this for yourself before even thinking of marriage.

And if you love this woman, you should not even want to bring her down – regardless of whether or not you share a faith or not.

Family planning will also be an issue since artificial birth control is prohibited. A practicing Catholic will not be able to be forced to use ABC and it may lead to a marriage that, in the eyes of the Catholic Church, was never a marriage at all if you attempt to impose your will.

I would suggest that it’s premature to think of marriage with this woman until 1) you learn more about what the Church teaches on marriage from official sites and documents and 2) then find out if she will even consider ever marrying outside of her faith.

You can start here – but remember the completion of the act must be within the teachings of the Catholic Church. The marital act, cannot be completed outside of the woman’s body. You may also have some misconceptions about natural as opposed to foreplay.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=8785227&postcount=1

It’s problematic for those of two different faiths to marry and find compromise, while the Catholic partner remains within her faith and the other either does not understand, respect, or does not agree to follow the faith with the Catholic spouse. It does make for a stronger marriage when you are both on the same page.

Your concerns are justified. This is a woman who has read the Bible in 4 different languages. That should tell you that she likely is a strong adherent to her faith.
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Thats the thing I don’t want to bring her down at all. And I’m thinking that regardless of other concerns, the simple fact that I’m not as involved would take her down because I have to get to her level to add something. I love hearing about her devotion to the faith. It makes her so happy and fulfills her and that makes me happy. I respect her faith, I just don’t understand or agree with all the teachings. Like the completion inside a woman. I read a pope once said you can fly from the ceiling fan if you want but have to finish in the woman’s body. I mean it happens to men in their sleep without their control. Sure it is unintentional, but letting it go without attention leads to this uncontrollable behavior while asleep. And after the marital act is completed “naturally” there is always going to be some ‘waste’ at the end because nothing is air tight. Do you just clean it up and flush it down the toilet? Can you do with it as you please after? It sounds crude but it is a source of my misunderstanding.
I’ve tried finding documents on the subject but it seems as though even practicing Catholics that are exposed to this material more often still have questions.
 
DexUK said:
Let’s get down to brass tacks, as we say in the UK.

If you’re worried about not having enough sexual intercourse with your wife after you’re married (because, by the sounds of this lovely lady, you won’t be having intercourse before you’re married, will you…?)… then don’t.

NFP is the management of intercourse around a lady’s natural cycle, am I right?

Let’s take some rough numbers: if your wife is in her fertile period for, say, 5 or 6 days in every 28, with an allowance of a couple of days for ‘safety’, that means about 20 days a month are safe for intercourse.

I think 20 days EVERY month during which intercourse is safe to pursue is an abundance of riches, don’t you?

It should be perfectly possible to have a deeply satisfying love life with your spouse without having to resort to artificial contraception. And, loving one’s spouse is not limited to just the sexual act. It’s also to do with caring and compassion, affection and cuddles, signs and symbols, give and take, listening and communication both in and out of the bedroom.

Don’t worry about it. If you love the object of your affections enough, you’ll give way to the things that need to be given way to. Likewise, there may be things that don’t conflict with her given beliefs that she will give way to for your own happiness too. It is that act of giving for the joy of the other person that makes a good marriage.

Understand her needs in respect of sexual activity being reserved for marriage. Make your love MORE than just sex, because that’s what it NEEDS to be for any relationship/marriage to be a success.

Good luck and God bless you.
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I do understand loving outside of sex and really I am very capable and into that love. I’ve always sought that out. But I think once you have that great relationship, sex just sends it over the top. Only when coupled with a strong love outside the bedroom is when it’s really special. I just know there will be times when the both of us really want to share ourselves sexually but we wont be able to. And I’m trying to decide if I can come to grips with that. Or if I even think there is a logical basis to it. 20 days does sound like a lot! I wonder if it really is 20 days but I just don’t like things being so schedules and regulated… And isn’t it more pleasurable for the woman when her body is fertile? I mean, most women I know have cramps and horrible pains for several days of those 20.
 
PaperPlate said:
Thats the thing I don’t want to bring her down at all. And I’m thinking that regardless of other concerns, the simple fact that I’m not as involved would take her down because I have to get to her level to add something. I love hearing about her devotion to the faith. It makes her so happy and fulfills her and that makes me happy. I respect her faith, I just don’t understand or agree with all the teachings. Like the completion inside a woman. I read a pope once said you can fly from the ceiling fan if you want but have to finish in the woman’s body. I mean it happens to men in their sleep without their control. Sure it is unintentional, but letting it go without attention leads to this uncontrollable behavior while asleep. And after the marital act is completed “naturally” there is always going to be some ‘waste’ at the end because nothing is air tight. Do you just clean it up and flush it down the toilet? Can you do with it as you please after? It sounds crude but it is a source of my misunderstanding.
I’ve tried finding documents on the subject but it seems as though even practicing Catholics that are exposed to this material more often still have questions.
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Without being crude a lot of this has to do with intent. If Joe and Jane intend to do something that would result in him finishing outside of her than this is wrong. If the intent is for them to finish properly and something “happens” due to no fault of either party then God knows our intentions. It is the fact that this bonding leaves us open to both procreation and unification with one’s spouse. Other acts result in degradation by not using this gift of sexuality for its proper purpose. And yes just clean it up. It is not the fluids that are sacred but the loving covenant that is renewed in the act. How could one renew covenant when at the most joyous moment the couple is not even engaged in touching each other?
 
I am believing more and more that well informed Catholics should only marry other
well informed Catholics or someone who learns** everything **about the Church teachings and are willing to comply.

Of course people can change after marriage, but
the marriage needs to start out on the right tract to begin with, not with any false expectations at all, that the well informed faithful Catholic might grow slack on the Church teachings for the spouse.
 
lizaanne said:
Catholics believe that one of the primary responsibilities of a spouse is to help them get to heaven. If you love her, love what she loves — her Faith.

Would it be so horrible if you became Catholic?

Talk to her about what she loves about the Church, and about being Catholic. Let her tell you about her life long love affair - the one she has with Christ and His Church. If she loves you back, she will want to share this with you. Not just now, but for the rest of your lives.

There is love that makes us all warm and fuzzy when we meet someone, that makes us want to be with them all the time, and get to know them more. Then there is love that lasts a life time — that love is a decision, not a feeling. God gives us the first type of love to bring us together, He gives us the second type of love to keep us there. Love — TRUE love — is hard work, it is a sacrifice and and a decision we make to be with the one we know is the best person to help us get to heaven.

I think you need to think not so much about how to accommodate her, but start thinking about how to be what she needs you to be - and that would be a good Catholic husband.

Next time you go out, ask her about her Faith. Ask to go to Mass with her ( you cannot receive Holy Communion, but you can go and participate in every other way). Then ask her questions about it.

She really sounds worth it.

~Liza
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It wouldn’t be horrible if I became Catholic. My relationship with God has been growing again since a large period of doubt. I guess it is my problem with the sexual regulations. I hate to admit. I really do. I’m not disgusting or anything but I’d just like to be more free.

I hear of many Catholics feeling regret and doubt surrounding sex. I dont want there to be any doubt or regret after/about/around sex. There should never be anything like that but the more regulations are put down, the more people seem to be conflicted.

It seems as though the only way to follow the no contraception rule is to stay in the woman for quite sometime until any ‘remaining’ has been reabsorbed into each others bodies. Otherwise some of it gets wasted. It just sounds so… I don’t know… Uptight!

I really do feel conflicted. She is the most special girl I ever met. And here I am worrying about sex. I dont feel like I should feel so disgusting though to want to share and experience someones body within our love!

Hopefully it is obvious that I really care about her feelings as a person and child as God. I’m just trying to figure my way through this while maintaining a level of respect for her, myself, and God. Anyways she is a strong woman and probably wouldn’t even budge if I tried. Makes me like her even more 😉
 
Dating is a process of discernment. I commend you for looking at the real issues and making hard choices.

It seems obvious to me that the next step in your discernment is learning about the faith she holds so dear. You can’t make any decisions if you aren’t informed.
 
Wow, everyone has given such great replies! I don’t have to write so much now:). Anyway, here is a great website I came across when first reading your post. It’s quite long, but I found it worth reading…especially about the little time we might have to abstain. What happens if one of you are sick for a long time, or if she gets pregnant and can’t later on, or one of you is out of town for any length of time? You’ll have to abstain. It’s not always about “me”

Hope this helps a little bit, and God Bless! Oh, yes, go to church with her! My husband didn’t go until we met. He’s happy he’s going now…so am I!!!

catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0004.html

Peace,
Lori
 
In reference to your statement "you can fly from a ceiling fan,if you want as long as you finish inside the woman."I would like clarification from anyone who , might know,does that mean that anything goes between a man and woman as long as the act is completed inside of the woman?
 
LoriLo said:
Wow, everyone has given such great replies! I don’t have to write so much now:). Anyway, here is a great website I came across when first reading your post. It’s quite long, but I found it worth reading…especially about the little time we might have to abstain. What happens if one of you are sick for a long time, or if she gets pregnant and can’t later on, or one of you is out of town for any length of time? You’ll have to abstain. It’s not always about “me”

Hope this helps a little bit, and God Bless! Oh, yes, go to church with her! My husband didn’t go until we met. He’s happy he’s going now…so am I!!!

catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0004.html

Peace,
Lori
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Thank you for that website. I just started reading it but will post before I finish.

I agree with you about all those reasons but I imagine many couples have wanted to have sex when they should be able to (healthy, completely in the mood, time, etc) but can’t because they already have three kids.
 
BlueEyedLady below gives good and honest advice. That you asked for advice shows you have humility and a good heart, but right now a romance with this girl wouldn’t be a good idea.
BlueEyedLady said:
My advice is don’t. You have already said that you would feel rejected by all of the artificial limits on sex and love. That feeling won’t get any better once you fall in love and give her your heart. You think its sad to think about having such infrequent sex? Its going to be worse when you’re lying next to her and want that closeness and she tells you no.

Being with you will take a toll on her too. She will constantly feel torn between you and her faith, and she’ll always worry about whether or not you really respect her beliefs. On top of that there’s the loneliness of not being able to share her faith with you, or look to you for spiritual guidance.

It doesn’t mean that you aren’t both wonderful people, it just means that you’ll never be able to give each other what you really want and need. And that’s really ok. As hard as it may be not every good person is compatible with every other good person.

Honestly, the Catholic view on sexuality is one that would make me very sad. But of course, living my beliefs on sexuality would break a devout Catholic’s heart. That’s why we shouldn’t be together.
Click to expand...
 
josephback said:
BlueEyedLady below gives good and honest advice. That you asked for advice shows you have a good heart, but right now a relationship wouldn’t be a good idea.
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Even if I’m working on it and have the potential to eventually decide this is for me?
 
I’ll take this time to thank all of you for your help. I have had a couple books and several sites recommended all of which I’ll be looking into.
 
PaperPlate said:
Even if I’m working on it and have the potential to eventually decide this is for me?
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Don’t take your time about this, this is her heart involved also. I wish you both the best in whatever you decide as its a huge decision.
 
Luvtosew said:
Don’t take your time about this, this is her heart involved also. I wish you both the best in whatever you decide as its a huge decision.
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I don’t even want to ask about this yet but what would I even say? She will definitely ask me why. I would have to tell her to some capacity. I imagine she would feel conflicted and possible resentment.
 
Of course not knowing how long you’ve been dating, it would be good to learn as much as you can before getting too serious. Catholics take marriage very seriously, no divorce, and no remarriages, no condons, birth control and yes no abortions.
Reading the bible right now many not be as benificial as the Catholic Cathechism and book of Cannon law.

There is a thread here under Catholic Life- Family- and several threads down Divorce (it is followd by 5 stars) because one needs to know this stuff, we are not just talking sex here, we do not believe in condome or any birth control including vasectomies, just NFP.

I sure don’t want to scare you away, but just thinking about your girlfriend and you.

You could just say I want to hear more about your faith and beliefs, you don’t have to ask just about the sex part. Oh no premarital sex either.

I so wish you the best.🙂
 
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