I'm pretty sure I have given up

[Marysann]

Kateri, don’t waste your time worrying about that guy who doesn’t want to hear from you. I hate to think about how much time I wasted as a young woman thinking about guys who were not interested in me. Later, when I met my husband I thanked the Lord that I had not ended up with any of those other guys! We met when I was 27, and were married the next year. On Friday we celebrated out thirty-ninth wedding anniversary. I can’t give advise on meeting good young men as I have been out of the dating scene for a long time, obviously! However, you can listen to the other young people on this site. On-line dating seems to be the latest thing. Our youngest son met his wife this way, and she is a wonderful girl. They have been married for two years and are very happy.

 

[EasterJoy]

Not to be mean, I in no way wish to offend you. I just wonder if you realize something about what you just said. Now, you just said this guy who you still have feelings for is on the other side of the globe and probably does not want to hear from you again. But you have hope that maybe God might make things work out… The only way the there would even be a chance for things to “work out” in that situation is if God makes this guy want to hear from you again. But God does not do that. He does not violate another persons free will. If this guy does not want to hear from you again, God is not going to make him want to hear from you again. God does not do that. That was part of my point in my previous post that you need to do something about your situation for yourself. Does what I wrote make sense at all?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

a) My husband thought I didn’t want to hear from him again. That was not true. I wasn’t as interested as he was, but that did not mean I didn’t want to hear from him again. I was just very bad at communicating the level of interest I did feel.

b) Even if the fellow is not all that interested in hearing from her, people’s feelings change.

I am fond of telling a story about a man who had a flat tire out in the middle of nowhere. He went to change his tire and found that he had no jack. He had no cell phone service. He didn’t know what he was going to do. Then he remembered there was one farmhouse that he had passed that could possibly be a source of help. On the way there, he began to rehearse how awful it would be if the farm family wouldn’t help him and how dim the chance was that they’d see any reason to give him what he wanted. Well, he got his knickers in such a knot that when the farmer came to his front door to answer it, the fellow was already stomping away! “BE THAT WAY, YOU JERK!!! KEEP YOUR D$%NED JACK!!”

The point is that we should not project thoughts into the heads of other people, neither good nor bad. Most of the time, if we haven’t made our needs clear to them, we aren’t even on their radar.

Do people look up those they used to know as friends, thinking they’d like to pursue a relationship? Not that often, but it does happen. It has happened among my friends, and no one thought it was a matter of lightning striking. It is hardly unknown, particularly when someone is coming back from a foreign country and putting down roots again.

She should not hang around waiting for the travelling friend to call her–and she is not–but she should not assume it is a certainty that she’ll never hear from him, either. I took her to mean that her attitude is “que sera, sera” with him–what Providence brings, Providence brings. That is fine and there is nothing unhealthy about it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Kateri, don’t waste your time worrying about that guy who doesn’t want to hear from you. I hate to think about how much time I wasted as a young woman thinking about guys who were not interested in me. Later, when I met my husband I thanked the Lord that I had not ended up with any of those other guys! We met when I was 27, and were married the next year. On Friday we celebrated out thirty-ninth wedding anniversary. I can’t give advise on meeting good young men as I have been out of the dating scene for a long time, obviously! However, you can listen to the other young people on this site. On-line dating seems to be the latest thing. Our youngest son met his wife this way, and she is a wonderful girl. They have been married for two years and are very happy.

She said, “I still have feelings for one guy but he is on the other side of the globe and he probably doesn’t want to hear from me again.”

She never said she has any evidence that he doesn’t want to hear from her again. She probably just lacks evidence that he does. those are very different things.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

a) My husband thought I didn’t want to hear from him again. That was not true. I wasn’t as interested as he was, but that did not mean I didn’t want to hear from him again. I was just very bad at communicating the level of interest I did feel.

b) Even if the fellow is not all that interested in hearing from her, people’s feelings change.

I stand by what I said, never the less. My point was that IF he is not interested, prayer that God will “make the situation work” when someone is not interest is futile because God does not violate someones free will. That is all I was saying. I know what it is like to think someone is not interested and not give up and then you find that they are interested. Heck, that is what happened with my last girlfriend. But that is completely beside the point I was trying to make.

 

[kptrs]

A few of you mentioned online dating. I have a few reservations about this though. Isn’t it creepy? It seems like hundreds of guys can just check you out. Its seems a bit dehumanizing to me. Also, is it really worth paying to meet your husband? Its seems like “buy a husband now for one low flat rate” and you know they will through in the “if you aren’t satisfied we’ll throw in 6 months free”.

Well, honestly, this is very offensive to me. Online dating is how I met the man who is the love of my life, whom I’m happily married to, and whom I wouldn’t trade for the world. Online dating in no way “dehumanized” either one of us, and in no way did I “buy my husband for one flat rate and get six months free.” The way we met was an awesome experience, and we are very happy.

I think what you said it rude and demeaning to anyone who’s had success with online dating.

 

[pianistclare]

Well, honestly, this is very offensive to me. Online dating is how I met the man who is the love of my life, whom I’m happily married to, and whom I wouldn’t trade for the world. Online dating in no way “dehumanized” either one of us, and in no way did I “buy my husband for one flat rate and get six months free.” The way we met was an awesome experience, and we are very happy.

I think what you said it rude and demeaning to anyone who’s had success with online dating.

Me too. I think that’s her youth talking.
Some young people view online dating as what people who have no social skills do.
Part of popular culture tells young men and women that at a certain age, you start dating, and at a certain age you get married (or have a wedding).
And that age is considerably younger than what generally happens. Young people buy into this, and when they are still single and all their friends have paired off, they begin to panic and develop these unfounded fears about being alone, and “all the good ones taken.”
Those of us who have been through that, lived through it just fine, and eventually happily married know this is not the case.
But young guys and girls still think they’ll just die if they’re not serious with someone by the time they are 25. There’s at least a couple of threads every week with this same theme.
If they would just trust God, they’d probably be pleasantly surprised/rewarded sooner than later.

 

[Kateri92]

Well, honestly, this is very offensive to me. Online dating is how I met the man who is the love of my life, whom I’m happily married to, and whom I wouldn’t trade for the world. Online dating in no way “dehumanized” either one of us, and in no way did I “buy my husband for one flat rate and get six months free.” The way we met was an awesome experience, and we are very happy.

I think what you said it rude and demeaning to anyone who’s had success with online dating.

I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to offend anyone. It just seems like dating sites are more into the business of the thing sometimes. But, I’m not against dating sites (I joined one just last night). I think I just don’t think that my profile necessarily will ever match who I am. I think it feels like showing off when I like to be very real with people. (Just my point of view here. Not judging)

How long were you on a dating site before meeting your husband?

 

[chevalier]

Everyone thinks their dating situation is dire.

It might be, for people who are over 30 and not very socially active or at least not meeting many people for a non-mixed marriage.

 

[Bonnie]

Kateri92 -

Why are you in such a hurry to get married?

 

[pianistclare]

It might be, for people who are over 30 and not very socially active or at least not meeting many people for a non-mixed marriage.

But life is about finding what the right vocation is for you.
Some people will get married. Some will not. It’s not a pass/fail kind of thing.
The right time is just the right time.
You can’t box it into a set method that’s good or bad.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to offend anyone. It just seems like dating sites are more into the business of the thing sometimes. But, I’m not against dating sites (I joined one just last night). I think I just don’t think that my profile necessarily will ever match who I am. I think it feels like showing off when I like to be very real with people. (Just my point of view here. Not judging)

You can and should write different profiles if the first one doesn’t work.

Is it really “showing off” if you give a good picture of who you are and what life with you would be like?

The problem with natural environments for getting to know people is that the flow of information is usually very, very slow. While that can have its charms and online dating has its own disadvantages, online dating does allow you to efficiently share a lot of information about yourself and efficiently gather information about the other person. (Example: allergic to cats, loves British mystery TV shows, CCD teacher.)

 

[Xantippe]

Definitely don’t fudge.

We had a middle-aged male friend that had the funniest dating stories, often caused by his online dating contacts fudging their degree of interest in his passions. So, the lady said she was interested in theater, too! And then he took her to Shakespeare. Poor thing–she did not enjoy it at all! On another occasion, there was a lady that insisted that, like him, she was into ballet. Turns out, she did ballet as a kid. She couldn’t name a single ballet…

So, don’t fudge or exaggerate and watch out for fudging on the part of contacts. (For instance, I feel like our friend should have made a few more inquiries before wasting theater tickets on his date.)

 

[chevalier]

But life is about finding what the right vocation is for you.
Some people will get married. Some will not. It’s not a pass/fail kind of thing.
The right time is just the right time.
You can’t box it into a set method that’s good or bad.

Of course you can’t, but marriage is not the same kind of vocation as priesthood. It’s more like a default one that’s written into people’s hearts. Thus people will generally end up simply feeling the urge or need to marry without needing to receive some sort of a life-altering message revealing it to them that that’s their intended way.

I don’t think it’s as simple as either managing to find someone or not having had a calling. My own intuition is that some people have the calling just like everybody else, but it doesn’t get fulfilled in their case.

Which obviously doesn’t mean a life ill-spent or fruitless or anything like that (life is kinda what you make of it), but the point stands.

 

[pianistclare]

Of course you can’t, but marriage is not the same kind of vocation as priesthood. It’s more like a default one that’s written into people’s hearts. Thus people will generally end up simply feeling the urge or need to marry without needing to receive some sort of a life-altering message revealing it to them that that’s their intended way.

I don’t think it’s as simple as either managing to find someone or not having had a calling. My own intuition is that some people have the calling just like everybody else, but it doesn’t get fulfilled in their case.

Which obviously doesn’t mean a life ill-spent or fruitless or anything like that (life is kinda what you make of it), but the point stands.

Marriage is a vocation, no less important, but not a one size fits all. Here’s a good article from a Vocations Director:

catholicherald.com/stories/Marriage-perhaps-priesthood-what-is-Gods-will,10395?sub_id=10395

 

[kptrs]

I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to offend anyone. It just seems like dating sites are more into the business of the thing sometimes. But, I’m not against dating sites (I joined one just last night). I think I just don’t think that my profile necessarily will ever match who I am. I think it feels like showing off when I like to be very real with people. (Just my point of view here. Not judging)

How long were you on a dating site before meeting your husband?

Was on there a little under a year before meeting him and on there two years at the time we officially began a relationship. Ours was a long distance relationship (three states between us). Long distance relationships are hard, but we made it work.

 

[EasterJoy]

Kateri92 -

Why are you in such a hurry to get married?

Re-read the thread. She said she is not necessarily looking to get married. She just wants to go beyond having guys flirt with her and go on a date.

No, she should not worry that she’ll never marry, but let us be very honest, here: Any of us who went a long time before starting to date or who went a long time without finding anyone to date had the thought cross our minds that maybe we were not meant to marry or weren’t ever going to find anyone.

The same thing happens when you look for a job and don’t find one. You start wondering if you are ever going to find any kind of job, let alone one that is truly suitable. You start second-guessing yourself, wondering if there is something wrong with you that is the reason you have not been hired. This does not betray a person who is unemployable. It doesn’t mean the person has been interviewing badly. Sometimes, it is just being in just the wrong place at just the wrong time for long enough for the experience to undermine self-confidence. We all get discouraged at times like that. This is human nature!

If we conclude we’re just unemployable, our friends would argue with us, and we would feel as if they, all of them as employed as they want to be, don’t know what they’re talking about. This is even true when it is an older friend who has been through long stretches of unemployment and has actual useful experience to offer.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, honestly, this is very offensive to me. Online dating is how I met the man who is the love of my life, whom I’m happily married to, and whom I wouldn’t trade for the world. Online dating in no way “dehumanized” either one of us, and in no way did I “buy my husband for one flat rate and get six months free.” The way we met was an awesome experience, and we are very happy.

I think what you said it rude and demeaning to anyone who’s had success with online dating.

You had success with it; that does not mean that it has to feel right to her. She used words like “seems” to convey that she was talking about her gut reaction to the idea, not expressing an universal truth about the practice.

Online dating offers both opportunities and real dangers. It offers a way to meet people, yes, but it offers a way to meet total strangers that no one you know necessarily knows. It is not just attractive to isolated people, but to predatory people, too. It is also, quite obviously, a means by which someone out there is making money. It is helpful and perhaps even irreplaceably helpful for some, but not for everyone, and those who don’t want to do it are not insulting anybody who does. It is not rude to find it creepy any more than it is rude to say one dislikes talking to total strangers in the store or creepy to live in a house where some incident that makes you uncomfortable occurred. It is a matter of personal preference.

 

[Kateri92]

The dating account I just opened was on a major dating site (not catholic). I like the site but the people I’m being matched with are all non-catholic Christians.

The reason I feel like I want to get married is because (as cheesy as it sounds) my heart is telling me to. I just want to get married and settle down. I think Mother Theresa said once “you know when you know.” Well, that’s how I feel about this now. I’m finished with all the mindless flirting and I want to settle down and get married. I have also been through a lot of things that have matured me in the past few years. I think I used to just want to date but now I definitely know that the next person I date I would like to end up marrying (whether I do or not, only time can tell, but you get the jist).

I think in my original post I sounded a bit too dramatic but I wrote that the other night when I was particularly feeling the single blues. I just hope that if this desire to get married is on my heart that the Lord put it there with plans to bring it to fruition.

 

[Bonnie]

I just hope that if this desire to get married is on my heart that the Lord put it there with plans to bring it to fruition.

In which case, you have to be patient enough to let God work out the timing. If you push it, you might end up with your will, not His.

 

[EasterJoy]

The dating account I just opened was on a major dating site (not catholic). I like the site but the people I’m being matched with are all non-catholic Christians.

The reason I feel like I want to get married is because (as cheesy as it sounds) my heart is telling me to. I just want to get married and settle down. I think Mother Theresa said once “you know when you know.” Well, that’s how I feel about this now. I’m finished with all the mindless flirting and I want to settle down and get married. I have also been through a lot of things that have matured me in the past few years. I think I used to just want to date but now I definitely know that the next person I date I would like to end up marrying (whether I do or not, only time can tell, but you get the jist).

I think in my original post I sounded a bit too dramatic but I wrote that the other night when I was particularly feeling the single blues. I just hope that if this desire to get married is on my heart that the Lord put it there with plans to bring it to fruition.

Well, we got kind of dramatic right back (or at least I did), so let’s call it even. As I said, pretty much every one of us who’s had the trial of wanting something and not feeling we’re progressing for a long time has gone through the same thing: How long, Lord, how long?

Sometimes our desires are from the Lord, sometimes they aren’t. The main thing is that you seek the Lord first and do nothing you imagine is in His service that has sin in it rather than virtue. Having said that, you are at about the age where those who marry typically feel a desire to do it. You probably do have a call to marriage.

There is an old saying: *Never marry for money. Hang around rich people, and marry for love. *Consider the virtues that you need to have and that the man you will marry will need to have. Be the person you will need to be to be a good wife and hang around with the sorts of men that would make good husbands. Look to date that kind of man. Dating the kind that won’t make a very good husband is worse than a waste of time. It is not fair to him, whoever he is, as you are tempting him to fall in love with you only to either turn him down or else go against your better judgment. IOW: You are right on the money with that!!

If you’re using a dating site, find a Catholic dating site. Be just as prudent as you would if you were using a open-to-all dating site, since a man who wants to look for a woman with Catholic vulnerabilities to prey on will also use a site like that, but you may as well start with a pool of men who are looking for a Catholic woman.