I'm ready to give up on my doctorate

[Gertabelle]

I’ve been working on my doctorate since January of 2007. My graduation date, pending completion of coursework and my doctoral study, is December of 2009.

I’m a single mom. My son will be five in November. All my family lives out of state. I work full time as a music teacher in a public school. I also play the piano for one mass a week at my parish, and I teach Sunday school for the 3-4 year old class every third week. My son’s dad has him one day and three nights a week.

In general I have a wonderful, rich, and very full life.

I originally looked into getting a doctorate in order to increase my income. That was before I returned to the Church. When I returned to the faith, I gave my doctorate over to God. He can do with it what He will. I surrender my time, my brain, my sleep to Him.

Up until now, I was managing fairly well. But this semester we begin in earnest to work on our doctoral studies (dissertation). And I am lost, and getting behind, and not completing assignments in the way in which they’re meant to be done. In short, I’m floundering.

And I’m looking ahead and getting worried about my son. I’m keeping our time together as “study free” time. But my lack of sleep is creating an irritability and impatience in me that is making it hard to be the mom I think my son needs.

On the other hand, one door after another has opened, putting me in exactly the right place and time to do a doctoral study on what’s taking place in my district right now. When I began this program, I had no idea what I’d focus on. But I’ve even been put in contact with one of the leading educational researchers and authors in the nation, as well as leaders in systemic reform.

But I just don’t see how I’m going to be able to continue without my son suffering, or me flunking out of the program. Oh, and I’m also up to my eyeballs in debt for this.

Mostly I just needed to vent. I trust that God will continue to lead me, and will use all this education, or my dropping out (if that is His will) for His plan.

If you have any thoughts, advice, or can offer your prayers, please feel free.

God bless.
Gertie

 

[nana3]

Gertie,
It’s okay to vent, I have many times here. I think what you are doing is wonderful and understand how you feel. My sister is a single mom also trying to increase her income. She has two children and struggles like you. She wants to continues her studies and her work will pay for it, but she worries that she will never see the kids or because of studying, get irritable and not be the best mom possible to her kids. Her kids have suffered already so much through a divorce and then child abuse from the dad and his new wife. Now, their dad has left his second wife and is better. The kids still suffer from depression and one is very angry. My sister, like you, is so concerned about her children and not being able to spend enough time with them. I think that is natural. I would say that you seem to be open to God’s will. Allow Him to answer the question if you should continue with your degree or not. He will let you know and if you do continue, He will give you the grace you need to be with your son and be the best mom possible.

You do seem to be doing a lot for your parish and that is great, but don’t spread yourself so thin that you do not have time for your son. I am not saying that is the case, but I know that dissertations involve a lot of hard work and time.

I will keep you in prayer and pray that the Lord will allow you to know His will in all this. Keep doing what you are doing and that is trusting in the Lord. All you can do is live one day at a time otherwise you will go crazy thinking of the future. My sister does that and I do too, we can only live in the present and trust in the Lord our future. My sister too is financially burden and in debt. I know that too is a huge stressor in itself. I will keep that part of your life in prayer too.

I will be praying for you Gertie. Hang in there! You are trying to do what is best for your future and your sons.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Sorry, no advice

But I will pray for you and your son. I pray that you continue to seek God’s will and that maybe He could make it a little clearer for you!**

 

[mizznicole]

well, kudos to you. that’s a huge load, sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of hard work.

my thoughts…you’re half way there and it would be a shame to quit unless absolutely necessary. is there any way you can cut things out of your schedule that aren’t absolute responsibilities right now? can you get any help with housework and meals?

i finished an m.a. but my life situation was quite different. i wish i had more advice. from one sleepless mom to another, all i can do is send a cyber hug and a few aves. :hug1:

 

[kage_ar]

What will best help you and your son get to heaven? THAT is what God desires for all of us, and what He requires from us as parents.

When it comes to the extras (jobs, school, houses, cars…) look at the things you cannot replace.

Your son will be little once. School will always be there.

 

[Gertabelle]

Thanks for all the kind and thoughtful words (and prayers). What is wisdom to man is foolishness to God, and vice versa.

My heart’s desire is to be a stay-at-home mom, and I believe that would be in my son’s best interest. But that is not possible at this time. I know that God will use our circumstances to draw my son closer to Him, or he’ll provide a rich, Catholic man who’ll sweep me off my feet and be an outstanding role model of Catholic manhood for my son

I am going to keep praying and listening for the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Thanks again for all the encouragement.

Gertie

 

[Just_Lurking]

Do you have comprehensive exams in your program? If so, have you taken them yet?

 

[Gertabelle]

Do you have comprehensive exams in your program? If so, have you taken them yet?

No exams, thanks be to God, just a couple of orals (one at the beginning of the doctoral study, and one at the end). I’m supposed to be prepared for the first oral at the end of this semester.

Gert

 

[Joannm]

No exams, thanks be to God, just a couple of orals (one at the beginning of the doctoral study, and one at the end). I’m supposed to be prepared for the first oral at the end of this semester.

Gert

Been there, done that. Do you have to keep to that time schedule? I know for my doctorate (D.Min) we had to do it as a chort and finish by a specific date. I see that you are going for a Ed.D. and I am not sure how that works. I know that Ph.D programs allow for you to take years to complete your dissertation. My last year of completing my doctoral project was a killer and at times I felt like I would never complete it. My family was a bit older and were able to take care of themselves, but still some things had to suffer as I had to get things completed on time. Sometimes I just felt like quitting. It must be common because I know many people who never completeed their dissertations. Good time management is important as well as having a set time to write when you would be least distracted. Right now I am studying for comps for another degree program I am in and I set aside a time weekly when no one is home and I can concentrate on this alone.

Best of luck and I will say some prayers for you.

 

[puzzleannie]

can only add my own experience, the time managment skills you are forced to attain while caring for family, working, and completing graduate work, will stand you in good stead the rest of your life, provide a good example for your child, and if you put your spiritual life as the top priority, also advance your growth in that realm. It is only going to get harder if you wait until later in life. Look at the goal, evaluate the goal and real gains–not just monetary–it will mean, against the sacrifices necessary.

 

[thomfra]

I also play the piano for one mass a week at my parish, and I teach Sunday school for the 3-4 year old class every third week. My son’s dad has him one day and three nights a week.

Can’t you put these two things on hold to give yourself more time with your son/for your studies. Then come back to them when you are finished. Or can you find some people to fill in for you???

 

[EmBee]

After moving to a new state, taking out massive student loans, and raising my brother and I by herself, my mom finished her Doctorate after seven years! It took two years on the job market to find a job, and her and I moved to another state so she could finally pursue her current post as a tenured Associate (soon to be Full) English Professor.

On her fridge she has pictures of my brother and I’s high school graduations, and my college graduation … and her PhD graduation The smile on her face in that picture looks worth every one of those seven years.

Wishing you continued perserverance with your dissertation and courage for the defense!

–

 

[SeekerJen]

Can’t you put these two things on hold to give yourself more time with your son/for your studies. Then come back to them when you are finished. Or can you find some people to fill in for you???

I have to agree with this. I had to put a lot of things on hold for the first two years of my doctorate (when we take all of our coursework and our candidacy exams). Now that I’ve passed to candidacy, I have more free time in the evenings and can pick up some of the things I enjoyed previously.

 

[Gertabelle]

I also play the piano for one mass a week at my parish, and I teach Sunday school for the 3-4 year old class every third week.

Can’t you put these two things on hold to give yourself more time with your son/for your studies. Then come back to them when you are finished. Or can you find some people to fill in for you???

I have to agree with this. I had to put a lot of things on hold for the first two years of my doctorate (when we take all of our coursework and our candidacy exams). Now that I’ve passed to candidacy, I have more free time in the evenings and can pick up some of the things I enjoyed previously.

Playing the piano at mass is actually my second job, and I need the money right now. Besides, doing this meets two other needs as well:

• I get social time with my friends in the choir
• I get “creativity” time while playing the piano (somehow, my brain just relaxes while playing – perhaps some brain researcher could explain that )

I would hate to give up the Sunday school teaching, but I think it might be best not only for me but for my son. He’s not a good student for his momma. I think he’d behave better for one of the other teachers.

I’ll definitely need to pray about this. God knows His plan, so I guess I’d better listen.

On a comletely unrelated note, I got to destroy one of my credit cards this morning! :extrahappy: I had to use it this summer when we got into some tight financial situations, but I’m back to cash and checks only! Thank you, God!!!

 

[dawid]

I am a firm believer that a worthwhile dissertation or thesis is not forced!

I took about three years to do my M thesis after completing my coursework although I could have rushed off a quick piece to obtain my degree.
I spent part of my free time doing research for much of that time, allowing my thoughts to develop.
My supervisor was patient, guiding me as I needed.
The thesis was awarded a cum laude and I can use it in my field - to me that was a worthwhile reward!

The same advice I offered to a colleague has rewarded him with a practical thesis that’s also of value to the world.

Here we classify a M as being certified competent to perform research and a D as developing new knowledge. I assume the same is true at your institution.

Spending time with your loved ones is conducive to a healthy state of mind and will serve you well in your academic efforts.

As an engineer, I often find it useful to “switch off” from a puzzling problem and relaxing, as my subconcious then takes over and gives solutions.

Best of luck with your decision either way.

 

[Eliza10]

Wow. I can’t advise but my comment is that it seems to me you are doing too much. Does it compromise your time with your son? If you are tired its hard to enjoy your time with him, and if thats so, he can feel that and it affects who he is.

But Our Lord can guide you. Take time out of our busyness and sit with him at the Tabernacle. Ask Him for guidance. He will give it to you.

Here are some beautiful words about coping with stress in our time that encourage me to view my life ina different way, giving me specifics on how. The modern-day Catholic mystic* who brings them to us has full approval of her bishop to publish and share this. This booklet is called Heaven Speaks About Stress: directionforourtimes.com/docs/booklet-stress.pdf

I am a single mother too and I find I have so much to worry about (which includes for me, as well, finding ways to incease my income). Because of this sometimes I have a hard time focusing on my sons simpler world (as well as the broader deeper implications of his simple world) when I have such big worries and questions about what direction to go in. Then I find my lack of peace affects my ability to love in the moment. God doesn’t want us to lack peace. Jesus’ common greeting was “Peace be with you.” I think we have to be ever watchful when lack of peace enters our lives and take steps in our lives to preserve it. That means taking time to be with Him and tell Him our worries, and actually give the worries to Him, in faith.

On Gregory Popcaks show the other day, he said when he is overwhlemed or pressured, it helps to contemplate that Jesus is the Good Shepherd, and we are the sheep. The Shepherd decides where we willl go and what we will do - He is the one who gives the directions. We are just the sheep, and our job is to just keep our eyes on that little patch of grass in front of us! I like that.

http://www.butterbent.co.uk/06121801skelwith_fold.jpg

Sometimes ther comes a real tension between how the world expects us to be and how God wants us to be. Certainly for me. When that happens I sit with Jesus and ask Him what to do. Usually after I end up not being so filled in my mind with how the world wants me to be.

*It is too soon for her to be approved as a mystic (they cannot while she is still recieving) and it is not neccesaryu to accept her words as prophetic. But what she shares is fully line with all our Church’s teaching, according to her Bishop, and so there is value in that.
You can read more from where the booklet is from at this website:

 

[jmcrae]

You’ve only got 3-4 months left on this. I would say, focus on completing it, because if you give it up now, you’ll probably have to start all over again.

Put aside any and all unrelated volunteer work and just tell them that you won’t be available until January - trust me, they will cope without you for a few months; if you were sick, or if you died, they would find a way.

Remember to eat, exercise, read for fun, and take some quiet time - one recommendation I’ve heard is, ten minutes to eat good healthy food, ten minutes to exercise, ten minutes of total silence (not while driving or doing anything else; it needs to be sitting-still doing-nothing silence), and ten minutes of reading for fun every day, and you will double your energy level, to accomplish nearly twice as much as you ordinarily would.

 

[Litcrit]

You seem like a wonderful, dedicated mother! So far, your son hasn’t even noticed you’re studying! That must have taken a lot of sacrifice.

You also sound like you’re very interested in your graduate work, and have even found the perfect subject for your dissertation. Quitting at this time, just 15 months before completion, seems unnecessarily frustrating.

Stop teaching Sunday school until Dec 2009, for a start. Your son might be better behaved and thus get more out of it with another teacher, and you will have some extra time.

How many hours a day do you get to spend with your son after work? When do you come home, and when is his bedtime? I’m sure he gets at least 4-5 hours of really wonderful and fun time with you, and I think at 5 years old he’s sure to appreciate, say, an hour a day of playing on his own, or watching his favorite cartoons, while you work on your dissertation. Or he could read or write with you, at the same table. (My 20mo daughter ‘helps’ me with my M.Sc. thesis. Yes, it’s annoying and takes more time, but she’s happy and I get to play with her WHILE I write - two birds with one stone! ) Seeing mom studying and ‘doing her homework’ is bound to have a positive effect on him for the future. And you get 5 extra hours a week to do your work. It’s not much, but every little bit helps.

When I got married and enrolled my M.Sc. program (it lasts 3 years here, but after that, I will ‘only’ have to write a PhD thesis to get my doctorate, no coursework required), I asked my confessor about postponing children until it was done. He said: “Children inspire us and motivate us to be better at everything we do, because we are no longer only doing it for ourselves.”

Have you discussed this with your son? Have you explained to him what you’re doing and why? He might be very proud of you and might actually want to do everything to help you. Kids can be great like that when they’re 5.

I wish you all the best and will pray that you make it.

I will not be reluctant to offer advice: don’t quit. People who quit their grad studies often never really felt called to them in the first place, but didn’t know what else to do with their lives at the time. You just didn’t give that impression here AT ALL.

 

[Gertabelle]

Have you discussed this with your son? Have you explained to him what you’re doing and why? He might be very proud of you and might actually want to do everything to help you. Kids can be great like that when they’re 5.

Honestly, I haven’t really tried to explain this to my son - duh. He was barely three when I started, and I nearly all of my study time was while he was sleeping. You’ve given me something to think about here: how do I explain to a nearly-five year old what I’m learning about and why? Thanks for that.

I will not be reluctant to offer advice: don’t quit.

Thank you.

I wish you all the best and will pray that you make it.

And thank you again!

 

[Gertabelle]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful replies, encouragement, and especially for your prayers.

Through prayer and reflection I have seen that, whatever else God may be asking of me, I have been a poor witness to what it means to be a child of the One Living God. I mean, this life is a blip, and I could be a witness of eternity to those around me as I deal with the roller coaster that is life… Or I could go on complaining and worrying and being grumpy.

Hmm, let me think… I believe it’s time to stand as a child of God, looking to that future of eternity in His presence. As Blessed Mother Teresa always told her daughters, “Smile!”

God bless y’all.
Gertie