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shannyk
Guest
It’s silly that you’d make this thread about something other than what it is.
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onaquest
Guest
There’s been such good sound advice. I can only offer my prayer. You have been remembered when I call 911–Memorare, Rosary, and Divine Mercy. I know how hurtful it is to you and how it affects the way you look at your husband who you would love to adore. His addiction/depression is not anymore important to your hurt feelings and worry. May God be with you as you get to the root of this problem and may he sustain you in your self worth. Both of you are after all children of God.
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Larowyn
Guest
Don’t blame me because certain posters (not the TC) seem to have a “men suck, why can’t they be more like women” attitude.
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Belgarion
Guest
Men suck
Why can’t they be more like women!?!
Seriously though, women can be just as bad as men, if not worse.
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Larowyn
Guest
If men were more like women, we wouldn’t have Chuck Norris.Men suck
Why can’t they be more like women!?!
Seriously though, women can be just as bad as men, if not worse.
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jwashu
Guest
Kittery,Very calm, sound advice. I admit that I was very worked up this afternoon when I posted and I thank you for taking the time to articulate your objective point of view.
My biggest fear is that he’s doing this because he’s not attracted to me, but how do I find that out for sure? If I ask him straight out, it’s not like he will just tell me, “No, I am not attracted to you.” Is this a reason that men look at porn? If it is, I don’t know how to remedy the situation.
I believe it is for some… but not for most, at least not the married men I know. Now I’m not saying ALL men do this, I definitely know some who do not but many in my age group (mid to late 30s) do. Those who are Christians believe it’s wrong at least on some level (many protestants believe it’s ok when view together as a couple for “martial enhancement” - I use to agree when I was a protestant but now I accept the Church’s teachings) Those same men I’m referring to are all happily married and VERY attracted to their wives. They might look at porn from time to time for a number of reasons. It might be that they feel they aren’t performing up to par for their wife and they are looking for new ideas. It could also be that that they see a picture of someone who reminds them of their wife. When there wife isn’t there or there hasn’t been a chance to renew their marriage covenant in a while…they fall into looking at inappropriate material or inappropriate behaviors.
When I believe there is a problem is when it’s not addressed, when you don’t talk about it. My guess, if he has gone w/o looking at it for 8 months, is that he is trying because he knows it’s important to you. You said that you were trying to improve your career and were gone a lot. You are both probably tired and haven’t had much chance to send time together without the kids, that includes time to just sit and talk or hang out together on the couch and watch TV…
Men do get lonely as well… we don’t often say it we just try to take care of it ourselves and sometimes wind up doing something stupid like looking at porn. Even when we made or helped to make the decision on what’s best for the family.
In regards to asking him… I don’t know your relationship so I can’t say if I would ask him “are you not attracted to me anymore” but rather ask why he is looking at it? If he says “I don’t know” then perhaps you could ask if it’s because you guys needed to spend more time together, is he stressed out etc… and stress on how you can fix it together. You will be able to tell what his answer is. Again, while I’m not him so I can’t be 100% sure, I would guess that if he has gone 8 months, it’s not that he isn’t attracted to you. If during the conversation you want to work in that question, it might be easier that way. But remember, we all go through phases where we might not be as attracted as we once were, that can come back. The important thing is love and that should override all else.
It’s really important for couples, especially those with kids, to focus on each other. Once the kids are grown it’s back to just you guys
While it’s difficult, he should come first just like YOU should come first for him. We have kids too, that’s not always easy… but again, it should be a goal. None of us are perfect and we never will be but yet if we can grow a little each day through His Grace we look forward to the chance at Eternal life with Him. Marriage is very similar in that with His Grace hopefully each day we can grow a little more together as a couple which can prepare us for when one of us fails.Hope this helps!
Joe
PS - One more thing. Yes I man should have eyes only for his wife and vice versa. However he is a grown man, a child’s content filter is not the answer. Sometimes we talk in perfect generalities on this board… those aren’t reality. Reality is that we are frail humans who need His Grace and the Help and support of each other, especially our spouses, to succeed. Blocking the porn doesn’t address the issue, it’s just a bandaid that won’t stay on for very long.
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Belgarion
Guest
Did I ever tell you how amazingly cool you are?
Maybe Chuck Norris can talk some sense into the OP’s husband.
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Larowyn
Guest
More like amazingly stupid.Did I ever tell you how amazingly cool you are?
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distracted
Guest
He is not going to stop until he sees how much it is hurting HIM!!
I totally agree with your thought of separation… He is not going to change until he sees the full consequences of his actions… If he loses his family over porn and still doesn’t give it up… He has made his choice… If it were me (i don’t know all the details, but… from what i know…) i would leave and never go back until… well, until he repented and… well, i would just let the holy Spirit tell me when it was the right time to return, if ever… children should never be subjected to that kind of thing… I wouldn’t even take a small chance of them being exposed to 1/2 a minute of it…I’m considering a time of separation right now. He was looking at porn while he was
SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING CARE OF OUR CHILDREN!!!:crying: :banghead: :dts:
Praying for you…
and for him (admittedly “reluctantly”
)
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distracted
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who is Chuck Norris and how does he relate to this??Did I ever tell you how amazingly cool you are?
Maybe Chuck Norris can talk some sense into the OP’s husband.
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distracted
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i am just being honest… but This sounds a little too… well, sexist, to me… Yes, i agree, somewhat… but men are also human beings created in God’s image… and they are affected adversely by porn just as women are… If a person totally divorces sex from love, htere is something terribly wrong!!
Porn sends bad messages to everyone, male or female…
In this case, children are in danger… I would definitely LEAVE…
and since Jesus is supposed to be our first and primary spouse… i wouldn’t care if i ever went back…
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distracted
Guest
men don’t understand?? I don’t get this… Not one bit.
A Catholic man who loves his faith… and his family… understands…
I am tired of this attitude that men are all dogs… clue-less ones at that… sometimes it is just an excuse for men to do what they want… (No… Think they want…)
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smallcat
Guest
Are you sure he hasn’t been looking at it for the last 8 months?
Addiction or not, he knows your feelings about this, he knows it hurts you and he chose to do it anyway. With children around, that takes it to another level of seriousness(I would be interested to know the answer to the questions from another poster: were your kids asleep while he was doing this?).
IMHO, it is highly unlikely for a man to turn to porn *because *he finds his wife unattractive. IF he is not interested in having sex with you, there is probably a more serious underlying issue that is driving him both to be disinterested in “real” sex and that compels him to seek virtual, anonymous images online. For some men, it’s depression or anxiety; for others, it’s addiction. It can be a combination of the two. Or maybe it’s a real breakdown in your marriage and this is his way of withdrawing- I have no way of knowing, of course.
I suppose if he sees nothing morally wrong with porn, he could claim to just be playing around- but knowing your feelings about the matter, and doing it while kids are in the house…I don’t know, I just don’t buy that.
You need counseling. If he won’t go with you, make an appointment (with a good, solid, Catholic therapist) by yourself-- and let him know you’re going, and why. He may decide to join you later-- or he may not. THe therapy will still help you deal with the issue.
Many blessings and prayers going to you. I know this is difficult. Please don’t ignore it, though- in my experience, things like this don’t usually just get better on their own.
Addiction or not, he knows your feelings about this, he knows it hurts you and he chose to do it anyway. With children around, that takes it to another level of seriousness(I would be interested to know the answer to the questions from another poster: were your kids asleep while he was doing this?).
IMHO, it is highly unlikely for a man to turn to porn *because *he finds his wife unattractive. IF he is not interested in having sex with you, there is probably a more serious underlying issue that is driving him both to be disinterested in “real” sex and that compels him to seek virtual, anonymous images online. For some men, it’s depression or anxiety; for others, it’s addiction. It can be a combination of the two. Or maybe it’s a real breakdown in your marriage and this is his way of withdrawing- I have no way of knowing, of course.
I suppose if he sees nothing morally wrong with porn, he could claim to just be playing around- but knowing your feelings about the matter, and doing it while kids are in the house…I don’t know, I just don’t buy that.
You need counseling. If he won’t go with you, make an appointment (with a good, solid, Catholic therapist) by yourself-- and let him know you’re going, and why. He may decide to join you later-- or he may not. THe therapy will still help you deal with the issue.
Many blessings and prayers going to you. I know this is difficult. Please don’t ignore it, though- in my experience, things like this don’t usually just get better on their own.
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Larowyn
Guest
Don’t get too upset about it; this is probably a joke topic.men don’t understand?? I don’t get this… Not one bit.
A Catholic man who loves his faith… and his family… understands…
I am tired of this attitude that men are all dogs… clue-less ones at that… sometimes it is just an excuse for men to do what they want… (No… Think they want…)
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curtishouse29
Guest
It just seems like that would be treating him like a child. If you want to destroy his manhood, thats the way to go…Both of you should agree on an idea, not just restricting your husband from the computer. Does he think he has a problem?
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whiteknite
Guest
If he is the man of the house then you should suport him and be relaxed about what he does. He hasnt had an affair or touched another woman…
I’m sure he might be looking at ways to improve your love life, He married you for being you!! NOT his mother.
But i do understand that he should be doing other things instead of sitting on his pc (Like minding the chilren).
Do you know how long he spends on his sites??
If you loved him then you would accept his habbits/addictions etc…
I’m sure he supports you!
:knight1:
I’m sure he might be looking at ways to improve your love life, He married you for being you!! NOT his mother.
But i do understand that he should be doing other things instead of sitting on his pc (Like minding the chilren).
Do you know how long he spends on his sites??
If you loved him then you would accept his habbits/addictions etc…
I’m sure he supports you!
:knight1:
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surfinpure
Guest
I don’t think anyone here has to tell you that what you just posted is antithetical to what Catholics believe and what the Bible teaches. Perhaps this manner of thinking goes over well on secular forums, but our perspective and priorities are very different from this. If you would like to know more, find an online copy of the Catechism of the Catholic Church and search “pornography.”
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distracted
Guest
doesn’t sound like anyone you can trust, for sure…
Or maybe he just gave in to Satan… (all of the above)…
assuming he still has a conscience… i wouldn’t “buy” that…
i think she needs to leave… andthink about counseling later… just my opinion. I get my counseling straight from Jesus, by spending as much time as possible @ the blessed Sacrament… Jesus speaks to us there… he knows ALL about our lives… our thoughts/ feelings, and most importantly, the Will of God… for us personally…
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smallcat
Guest
OK, I’ll bite.
EXCUSE ME? If this man were addicted to heroin or crystal meth, or even used it on occasion for that matter (with children in the house, no less), would you recommend that the OP accept these habits and addictions?
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distracted
Guest
doesn’t matter… because htis kind of attitude is ubiquitous in our society today…
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