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gracepoole
Guest
Just joined today and your first post on a Catholic forum is about living with your boyfriend? No thanks.
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Sunbreak
Guest
This is something to discuss with your husband. When I was married and wanted to work less, my husband resented it, even though I had (without prodding from him) taken on more of the household chores like taking the car in to be repaired, taking the trash to the dump (it was a rural area with no trash pickup service), and all the little miscellaneous things that had to be done. I also took on most of the cooking where before we had shared doing this. When it came to spending money, he told me I didn’t deserve it because I didn’t work (even though I had never been totally without some kind of work for more than a few months).
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Father_of_10
Guest
I would recommend that you should look at knocking out any outstanding bills, credit cards etc, before taking the plunge. Put a little aside too, when it rains it pours as the saying goes.
If you can start a family with only an affordable mortgage hanging over your head, the stress level will be much lower. It is not fun to have to decide between diapers and paying for the gadget you purchased on your credit card.
If little ones don’t come along soon, you could start your own homebased business. There you can control the hours and the income can be substantial or as little as you want.
If you can start a family with only an affordable mortgage hanging over your head, the stress level will be much lower. It is not fun to have to decide between diapers and paying for the gadget you purchased on your credit card.
If little ones don’t come along soon, you could start your own homebased business. There you can control the hours and the income can be substantial or as little as you want.
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Ms_Manners
Guest
I was some sort of a housewife while I was unemployed. We had less money, but that was the happiest time for us.
But the thing is - I love being at home and my husband loves it too. I love having lunch on the table when my husband comes home, having the whole afternoon and evening free, I even enjoy the housework, especially when it doesn’t have to be crammed into my 10-12-hour-working-days-plus-business-trips-and-working-weekends schedule. In that situation, I do everything but I don’t mind, I know that I’m doing it for both of us, and he knows that our carefree afternoons are something I made possible while he was at work. When we both work at a job, we both work around the house, but he doesn’t really enjoy the housework so he is more than happy and appreciative when I can do it.
And there is rarely that much to do around the house if you don’t have kids, not 10 hours anyway, so I always had a lot of time for myself. I still had some social interaction because I went for long walks with the dogs and met others who were doing the same, I had much more time to catch up with friends, as well as my husband because our afternoons and evenings weren’t wasted on chores. I was in best shape ever because I finally always had time to work out and I felt great because there was very little stress. His stress was also reduced, so he felt great as well, felt like doing more things in the afternoon and had more time to actually do all those things. We do okay under pressure, but it was so much nicer then.
I like working because I like having a project, but I volunteered more than I do when I have to work, that kept my mind busy and saved me from watching TV all the time and even contributed to my CV. You can learn a lot volunteering as well, you can get very valuable experience that way. You can start your own project if you know what could be useful to some non-profit organization, that is good for everyone. You can also try a course or something that could help you if you decide to go back to work.
Moneysavers - clothes and make-up (of course you don’t go around looking like a monster but you can be more casual and there is no need to keep up with an office dress code), transport (since you don’t go to work every day), eating out (if you resort to it when there is no time to cook, like we do sometimes, where we live it is much cheaper to cook at home than eat out), even socializing (since people can come over more and it is cheaper to make coffee and a cake than to buy everything when you go out, where I live at least it is).
But you have to put some numbers down on paper, see if you can afford it. If you can’t afford it, is there something you could do to make it affordable? Does your husband agree to cut back on some things? Financially, you have to make it sustainable and you have to know what it will be like.
Also… Does he really support you or is he just giving in? You should talk about what your duties at home would be, and make sure he recognizes your contribution. If he starts resenting the cuts you will have to make, if he does not want to make them, soon it sits there between you, him feeling like you just don’t want to work, like you forced him to do that, like you don’t contribute… This has to be a decision you are both comfortable with.
Recently we found out that my contract wouldn’t be renewed next month. I’m already looking for a new job since we can’t afford it in the long run, but it seems that I will have a month or two of unemployment, and I can tell you we are both looking forward to it, it’s what we need to recover a little, we’ve been working way too much lately, too many hours, too much work-stress on both sides, and this will lighten the load for everyone at least for a while.
And it will give me time to start two little projects I’ve been thinking of alongside my regular volunteering, one in our parish, one non-profit, and when I go back to work it will be easier to just keep them going, most of the work is in the starting stage.
In our case, we both wish we could afford it all the time.
But the thing is - I love being at home and my husband loves it too. I love having lunch on the table when my husband comes home, having the whole afternoon and evening free, I even enjoy the housework, especially when it doesn’t have to be crammed into my 10-12-hour-working-days-plus-business-trips-and-working-weekends schedule. In that situation, I do everything but I don’t mind, I know that I’m doing it for both of us, and he knows that our carefree afternoons are something I made possible while he was at work. When we both work at a job, we both work around the house, but he doesn’t really enjoy the housework so he is more than happy and appreciative when I can do it.
And there is rarely that much to do around the house if you don’t have kids, not 10 hours anyway, so I always had a lot of time for myself. I still had some social interaction because I went for long walks with the dogs and met others who were doing the same, I had much more time to catch up with friends, as well as my husband because our afternoons and evenings weren’t wasted on chores. I was in best shape ever because I finally always had time to work out and I felt great because there was very little stress. His stress was also reduced, so he felt great as well, felt like doing more things in the afternoon and had more time to actually do all those things. We do okay under pressure, but it was so much nicer then.
I like working because I like having a project, but I volunteered more than I do when I have to work, that kept my mind busy and saved me from watching TV all the time and even contributed to my CV. You can learn a lot volunteering as well, you can get very valuable experience that way. You can start your own project if you know what could be useful to some non-profit organization, that is good for everyone. You can also try a course or something that could help you if you decide to go back to work.
Moneysavers - clothes and make-up (of course you don’t go around looking like a monster but you can be more casual and there is no need to keep up with an office dress code), transport (since you don’t go to work every day), eating out (if you resort to it when there is no time to cook, like we do sometimes, where we live it is much cheaper to cook at home than eat out), even socializing (since people can come over more and it is cheaper to make coffee and a cake than to buy everything when you go out, where I live at least it is).
But you have to put some numbers down on paper, see if you can afford it. If you can’t afford it, is there something you could do to make it affordable? Does your husband agree to cut back on some things? Financially, you have to make it sustainable and you have to know what it will be like.
Also… Does he really support you or is he just giving in? You should talk about what your duties at home would be, and make sure he recognizes your contribution. If he starts resenting the cuts you will have to make, if he does not want to make them, soon it sits there between you, him feeling like you just don’t want to work, like you forced him to do that, like you don’t contribute… This has to be a decision you are both comfortable with.
Recently we found out that my contract wouldn’t be renewed next month. I’m already looking for a new job since we can’t afford it in the long run, but it seems that I will have a month or two of unemployment, and I can tell you we are both looking forward to it, it’s what we need to recover a little, we’ve been working way too much lately, too many hours, too much work-stress on both sides, and this will lighten the load for everyone at least for a while.
And it will give me time to start two little projects I’ve been thinking of alongside my regular volunteering, one in our parish, one non-profit, and when I go back to work it will be easier to just keep them going, most of the work is in the starting stage.
In our case, we both wish we could afford it all the time.
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ela2
Guest
I am thinking of doing the same as I am in the same situation. I am just going to continue till the end of the year so that we can pay some big pending bills and then that’s all. I feel that many times we confuse our wants and needs and in the process lose our peace. God doesn’t want us to be so busy, so occupied just so in the end we can consume more. I believe He wants us to be free like children and free to be able to spend more time with Him.
I am looking forward to it!
and my husband is counting the days to it 
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Abundant
Guest
This! When my husband and I got married, we agreed that when the kids came, I would stay home. Three months later I was pregnant and the month before our first anniversary, our son was born. I quit my job, stayed home and we were completely unprepared to live on one income. 18 months later, my husband asked me to go back to work to ‘help’ him, and I did.
Everyone is different, but I think that if you are stressed now at work, then it will be MUCH worse when you have kids. If I were in your situation (and this is based on my lifestyle, needs and wants, not yours), I would work and SAVE money so that when the kids come and your staying home is more of a NEED than a want, then you are in a better situation financially to do so.
Try to live on just your husband’s income for a few months and save all of yours. If you can do that comfortably, then maybe you can take the leap. I don’t know what you do for a living, but this is not the economy to quit and think you may be able to easily go back later. Make sure you are prepared, that your husband supports you 100% and that you are able to afford it (not just on paper, but in practice).
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on_the_hill
Guest
To add 2¢.
Soon after my wife and I were married, she brought up the topic. But from the perspective that I would be the house-husband. She had a better job and made a lot more money than I did, and her career future looked a whole lot brighter than mine. I was kind of in a dead-end and didn’t love my job.
I didn’t think it was right for me, thought I’d hate it, so we never took that step. Thank goodness we didn’t.
After our first child was born, my wife decided to give up her job and switch careers, and take about a 2/3 cut in salary. She left the corporate ladder far behind, and now works part-time (technically, she’s not a full time stay-at-home-mom) and after 12 years she still loves it. If money weren’t the issue she’d quite working outside the home altogether.
Our combined income has only recently edged past what it was when we got married 17 years ago, and money is still very tight. But we’re all happier this way.
Soon after my wife and I were married, she brought up the topic. But from the perspective that I would be the house-husband. She had a better job and made a lot more money than I did, and her career future looked a whole lot brighter than mine. I was kind of in a dead-end and didn’t love my job.
I didn’t think it was right for me, thought I’d hate it, so we never took that step. Thank goodness we didn’t.
After our first child was born, my wife decided to give up her job and switch careers, and take about a 2/3 cut in salary. She left the corporate ladder far behind, and now works part-time (technically, she’s not a full time stay-at-home-mom) and after 12 years she still loves it. If money weren’t the issue she’d quite working outside the home altogether.
Our combined income has only recently edged past what it was when we got married 17 years ago, and money is still very tight. But we’re all happier this way.
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Xantippe
Guest
“If I were in your situation (and this is based on my lifestyle, needs and wants, not yours), I would work and SAVE money so that when the kids come and your staying home is more of a NEED than a want, then you are in a better situation financially to do so.”
I like this. Nobody ever said, “We had too much money saved when we started having kids.”
I like this. Nobody ever said, “We had too much money saved when we started having kids.”
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Kal2012
Guest
Honestly, everyone’s situation is different.
It was important to both my husband and I that one of us stay home with any future children, so we planned our marriage and careers around that plan. We focused on making sure that he had the education/certifications/skills needed to advance in his chosen field, so eventually, he’d be able to be the sole breadwinner. I didn’t get a masters because I probably wouldn’t use it (if I was going to stay at home w/the kids) and we’d have more debt to pay off. (not good) There are trade-offs for any situation.
You have to plan it out and make changes to your lifestyle for it to work.
I have a girlfriend who would love to stay home with her new baby, but she can’t because her job has the insurance and her husband’s job doesn’t. However, the husband is working towards getting a better job (w/insurance and higher pay). For them, one parent at home is “eventually it will happen,” not something they can do right away.
Sometimes, parents can’t stay home, but they think it’s better for their kids to see that both parents work and contribute to the household. (Or, they simply need the money).
Every family has to decide what’s best for their circumstances. Sometimes, life isn’t ideal. Nobody is disputing that.
It was important to both my husband and I that one of us stay home with any future children, so we planned our marriage and careers around that plan. We focused on making sure that he had the education/certifications/skills needed to advance in his chosen field, so eventually, he’d be able to be the sole breadwinner. I didn’t get a masters because I probably wouldn’t use it (if I was going to stay at home w/the kids) and we’d have more debt to pay off. (not good) There are trade-offs for any situation.
You have to plan it out and make changes to your lifestyle for it to work.
I have a girlfriend who would love to stay home with her new baby, but she can’t because her job has the insurance and her husband’s job doesn’t. However, the husband is working towards getting a better job (w/insurance and higher pay). For them, one parent at home is “eventually it will happen,” not something they can do right away.
Sometimes, parents can’t stay home, but they think it’s better for their kids to see that both parents work and contribute to the household. (Or, they simply need the money).
Every family has to decide what’s best for their circumstances. Sometimes, life isn’t ideal. Nobody is disputing that.
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barpaula
Guest
Yes, I’m Catholic and yes, I live with my boyfriend because I love him. He says someday we’ll
get married and I believe him.
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EasterJoy
Guest
You’re not a wife, so you’re not a house wife. You’re a roommate who lets herself get stuck with all of the housework. You are a friend who is helping him with his career gratis. You’re also, my dear psychology student, talking out of both sides of your mouth. You don’t love doing the chores, or you would not care whether or not you got any compensation for doing them. No, people who love to do the dishes do not need to be thanked. They need other people to get out of their way and let them do their dishes.
I noticed you call him your boyfriend, and not your fiancé. If this doesn’t work out–and right now, it isn’t working out for you, since you don’t want the same thing indefinitely, whereas he easily might–you might want to ask yourself how the man who actually might be interested in marrying you might feel about you letting yourself shack up and be some guy’s maid with not so much as a timely string of “thank you’s” for your trouble. A good man who cared about you would not want to see you treated like that. He’d insist on better for you. Why don’t you insist on the same for yourself?
He’s working full time on his career, and right now you have the legal right to zero point zero percent on his realized gain after the fact. You’d be wise to work on your own degree full-time, because I would not bet my life on wringing a marriage proposal out of this guy. He says he will marry you, but he has not asked you to marry him, you have no date, and you are giving him every benefit he would get if you were his wife. In return, you are not getting the appreciation you think a housewife is due. I think you learned how likely even marriage is to change that in Psych 101. If you haven’t taken Human Sexuality yet, maybe you haven’t been tested on the part about how often “I love you”, “We’ll get married some day”, and co-habitation prior to those conjectures actually translate into a lifelong marriage. Think of the investment you are putting in, here. You deserve to give yourself far better odds than you are getting.
You ought to have held out for marriage before giving him the benefits of a wife–which moral law also still requires of you in 2013, if you as a “good Catholic” care two bits about that–but you don’t want to hear that. Well, in that case, at least listen to as much sense as your most secular psych professors could give you. Take care of yourself, because your dream of being made a housewife isn’t the sure thing you think it is (do you think the rules of human nature you can easily see operating all around you somehow do not reach into your charmed life?), and may not even be realistic.
If you don’t believe me, pick your most secular psychology professor, and ask him or her. Those “thank you’s” and that marriage proposal are not going to come out of continuing with the inertia your relationship now has. If you don’t change anything, you’re going to keep getting what you have. If your boyfriend is not an excellent candidate for change, then he probably won’t change, with or without marriage. Bank on that…but don’t believe me. Ask one of them, if you have the guts to do it. I’ll tell you what, though. The sooner you re-orient yourself to reality, the less it hurts to change your course away from what you blindly but foolishly hope will magically happen and over to a road that is actually going where you want to go.
If working that kind of change for people isn’t why you are a psychology major, then why? And if that kind of change doesn’t start with you, then what footing will you ever have to recommend that kind of change to anyone else? If you want to make the world a better place and improve people’s lives, start with your own. Then you’ll have some standing to talk to someone else about theirs…
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barpaula
Guest
Thank you for caring about my question and taking time to answer. You’re totally right in every aspect: moral, religious, education, economical. I joined here to see if I was the only one thinking that way. I think about those things every day, but then I see him and feel these other things; I do love him and know he needs me (whether he realizes or not) and don’t want to leave him alone.
I do love to do the chores though. I just wish he’d appreciate it. It’s like any other job, you may love it, but in the end you want your boss or whoever to recognize it.
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Xantippe
Guest
“I do love him and know he needs me (whether he realizes or not) and don’t want to leave him alone.”
Please move on and find somebody who cares about you, appreciates you, and respects you. The quicker you leave, the better.
Please move on and find somebody who cares about you, appreciates you, and respects you. The quicker you leave, the better.
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barpaula
Guest
I wish I could have such hope. It’s like someone before said, I give him all the benefits of a wife without him even asking. Why are yo so positive I’ll ever find someone who respect me, when I didn’t do it myself? Sometimes I feel this is the punishment I get for not holding out until marriage.
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Della
Guest
No, that’s not what this is. It’s a guy taking advantage of your feelings, that’s what this is. And you don’t have to put up with it. If the apartment/house is yours, kick him out. If not, get your own place and start living your life for what you want out of it instead of living as a servant with benefits. Do it now. The future is in your hands. You don’t have to stay stuck in this situation. Just leave him and don’t look back. He’s not worth your time and affections. Live your own life until someone comes along who treats you like a queen and then marry him. That’s what you need to do. Take it from an older gal whose seen a bit of life. He’s not going to marry you as long as he gets what he wants without it.
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CatholicRaven
Guest
It’s a choice, and here’s the thing: you didn’t make that choice just one time… you make the choice every day, sometimes several times a day. The good news is, that means you can still make a different choice! You can start giving yourself that respect TODAY.
You don’t need to keep punishing yourself. So you screwed up, you know it, you’re sorry for it–go to Confession and be rid of it.
We all make mistakes; we just have to learn from them and move forward. You CAN do this, with God’s help!Will
for you!
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MarkInOregon
Guest
I am not the wife but the husband but I have been through this with my wife. When my wife quit working almost 2/3 of our income went with her job. So in our case one stress was traded for another stress. It required a huge adjustment on our part and it was rough for a while and on our daughter–who was in college and now has student loan debt that we were not planning for her to have. But it has been very good for my wife and good for our grade school and high school aged children–they like having mom home even if it means our cars are older, we don’t eat out, don’t bring in take out and they don’t have all the cool gadgets and designer clothes many of their friends have. I don’t know that it had any affect on our marriage but then I wanted what was best for my wife even if it meant a reduced life style and more financial stress. I was so looking forward to a couple of years with her income and no college tuition but maybe God saw that would not be good for my soul–I don’t know. If you husband is on board I’d say go for it. If both the husband and wife have the right attitude (i.e. the “bread winner” doesn’t think and act like they do all the work and it is really their money – meaning the contribution of each spouse is valued equally) then I think it builds a stronger family. Hope you don’t mind the view from a husbands perspective.
The peace of Christ,
Mark
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Xantippe
Guest
“I wish I could have such hope. It’s like someone before said, I give him all the benefits of a wife without him even asking. Why are yo so positive I’ll ever find someone who respect me, when I didn’t do it myself? Sometimes I feel this is the punishment I get for not holding out until marriage.”
At the very least, you’ll have better romantic options if you aren’t so obviously attached to somebody. I remember a thread recently here where we were all discussing whether it was OK to ask a girl out if you know that she has a boyfriend. A number of us old married ladies were saying, go for it, dating isn’t married, faint heart never won fair lady, etc., while the single guys were shuffling their feet and making excuses. Just having this guy in your life will scare away a lot of nice, shy guys who are afraid to make a move, particularly when you have a boyfriend you are living with.
Figure out how to stand on your own two feet and be the person you are supposed to be. Taking a spouse for granted is a big problem for married people who’ve been together for years–it shouldn’t already be a problem in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. At this point, you should be crazy about each other and he should be willing to do anything (within reason) for you.
You want to have kids and be a homemaker some day. Work backwards from that, figuring out what kind of man you should be dating today to get there and figure out where you need to be and what you need to be doing to meet him. (Hint–he doesn’t spend a lot of time in bars.)
At the very least, you’ll have better romantic options if you aren’t so obviously attached to somebody. I remember a thread recently here where we were all discussing whether it was OK to ask a girl out if you know that she has a boyfriend. A number of us old married ladies were saying, go for it, dating isn’t married, faint heart never won fair lady, etc., while the single guys were shuffling their feet and making excuses. Just having this guy in your life will scare away a lot of nice, shy guys who are afraid to make a move, particularly when you have a boyfriend you are living with.
Figure out how to stand on your own two feet and be the person you are supposed to be. Taking a spouse for granted is a big problem for married people who’ve been together for years–it shouldn’t already be a problem in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. At this point, you should be crazy about each other and he should be willing to do anything (within reason) for you.
You want to have kids and be a homemaker some day. Work backwards from that, figuring out what kind of man you should be dating today to get there and figure out where you need to be and what you need to be doing to meet him. (Hint–he doesn’t spend a lot of time in bars.)
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EasterJoy
Guest
You know that you don’t get recognition from ungrateful people by sitting and waiting for it. You sometimes get it by letting them know that it is important to you. Sometimes, though, you realize you’re dealing with someone who really doesn’t appreciate anyone in their lives that does good things for them. That usually does not change in an adult, not unless they wake themselves up. They’ll say, “oh. yeah. thanks…” when you ask, but that’s it, and that’s the only time. If you point out to your boyfriend that you give him everything that a wife would and he doesn’t even express as much gratitude as a normal polite adult would give to a paid housekeeper, and that does not wake him up, I’d venture to say that the chances that he’s going to ever wake up are not very high. You’re a psyche major…grown-ups don’t change very often, and when they do, it comes from within. If you tell him you need appreciation and he doesn’t get that, well, decide if you want a life of that. It isn’t likely to change…make your choice. Don’t fool yourself by trying to choose something that is not being given to you as an option. Choose between your real alternatives.
I tell you, one of the things that let me know that my husband was right for me was how he treated people he could have gotten away with ignoring…that is, that he has always said “please” and “thank you” to waiters and waitresses, to people pumping his gas, to anyone who did anything nice for him. He held the door for strangers. He didn’t expect to be treated differently than people who didn’t have a degree; in fact, he didn’t like to do business with people who sucked up to people they thought had more money while ignoring people who didn’t look as well off.
I knew if there was no one in his life that he took for granted that the nice way he treated me wasn’t a show he put on that would change once he had me on the hook. I was right!
This is from Shakespeare’s Henry V (Act 5, Scene 2):
“If thou canst love a fellow of this temper, Kate, whose face is not worth sun-burning, that never looks in his glass for love of any thing he sees there, let thine eye be thy cook…
…And while thou livest, dear Kate, take a fellow of plain and uncoined constancy; for he perforce must do thee right, because he hath not the gift to woo in other places: for these fellows of infinite tongue, that can rhyme themselves into ladies’ favours, they do
always reason themselves out again. What! a speaker is but a prater; a rhyme is but a ballad. A good leg will fall; a straight back will stoop; a black beard will turn white; a curled pate will grow bald; a fair face will wither; a full eye will wax hollow: but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the moon; or, rather, the sun, and not the moon; for it shines bright and never changes, but keeps his course truly.”
PS Whatever you do, do not go for any of this “men in my culture” garbage. There is not a country that is totally devoid of men who have been taught to say “please” and “thank you”, and anyone who wants to learn that can learn it. Have enough self-respect to have your own standards, and stick to them. If he can’t learn “please” and “thank you” for your sake, gather up your things and tell him to go jump in a lake.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Based on your background, suffice it to say that I’m not suggesting that you ambush him with this. It may be “do you realize that you allow me to do essentially all of the housework, and yet you never offer to help or even say thank you? Why is that?” If he replies that when he’s offered to help in the past you’ve said, “Oh, I don’t mind, you can let me do it, I love housework!”, well, that may be your answer. So do be fair…and do ask about the wedding date in blunt terms. Again: You shouldn’t be living with him, but if you’re going to live like a secular woman would, at least be as smart as even a totally secular woman ought to be.
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