I'm thinking of becoming a housewife

[Xantippe]

“Whatever you do, do not go for any of this “men in my culture” garbage. There is not a country that is totally devoid of men who have been taught to say “please” and “thank you”, and anyone who wants to learn that can learn it.”

Agreed, but my feeling is that it’s probably a little too categorical about please and thank you as cultural universals. I feel like please and thank you get used much less in Russian than in American English.

“Have enough self-respect to have your own standards, and stick to them. If he can’t learn “please” and “thank you” for your sake, gather up your things and tell him to go jump in a lake.”"

Oh, yes. And have a good look at the sadder posts here from married women. I think pulling up one or two of those threads would be very helpful as a discussion starter for the engaged.

I also would warn barpaula that her boyfriend’s ingratitude could become even more of an issue in marriage and after children. The problem is that the early years of parenthood often call for all hands on deck. Your toddler vomits in the night all over himself and his bed and his carpet and it’s simply not a task that you can easily deal with by yourself. It makes most sense for one parent to bathe, diaper, dress and medicate the child, while the other changes the bed and does some carpet cleaning (or some other division of labor). Likewise, it is often convenient for parents to split up the kids (example–mom takes the baby, dad amuses the toddler) or to have one parent cook while the other takes the kids. It’s risky to set up a precedent of waiting on your husband, if he doesn’t understand that once there are children, both parents need to participate in raising them and caring for them.

I understand there is a cultural dimension here (my good friend who is from a Venezuelan family says that as a Hispanic woman she really WANTS to serve), but having children really changes things.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Whatever you do, do not go for any of this “men in my culture” garbage. There is not a country that is totally devoid of men who have been taught to say “please” and “thank you”, and anyone who wants to learn that can learn it.”

Agreed, but my feeling is that it’s probably a little too categorical about please and thank you as cultural universals. I feel like please and thank you get used much less in Russian than in American English.

“Have enough self-respect to have your own standards, and stick to them. If he can’t learn “please” and “thank you” for your sake, gather up your things and tell him to go jump in a lake.”"

Oh, yes. And have a good look at the sadder posts here from married women. I think pulling up one or two of those threads would be very helpful as a discussion starter for the engaged.

I also would warn barpaula that her boyfriend’s ingratitude could become even more of an issue in marriage and after children. The problem is that the early years of parenthood often call for all hands on deck. Your toddler vomits in the night all over himself and his bed and his carpet and it’s simply not a task that you can easily deal with by yourself. It makes most sense for one parent to bathe, diaper, dress and medicate the child, while the other changes the bed and does some carpet cleaning (or some other division of labor). Likewise, it is often convenient for parents to split up the kids (example–mom takes the baby, dad amuses the toddler) or to have one parent cook while the other takes the kids. It’s risky to set up a precedent of waiting on your husband, if he doesn’t understand that once there are children, both parents need to participate in raising them and caring for them.

I understand there is a cultural dimension here (my good friend who is from a Venezuelan family says that as a Hispanic woman she really WANTS to serve), but having children really changes things.

By “cultural”, I meant everything from “men in my country” to “men in my family” to “that’s just not my way.” If he’s claiming he has an excuse that relieves him of the burden of expressing gratitude, don’t buy that unless you truly are OK with that, that is all I am saying. There is not a country in the world where the men are all “like that”–and that goes no matter what you mean by “like that”. If, OTOH, the two of you are both entirely comfortable with letting many things go unsaid, well, there are happy couples with that kind of an understanding. What is not OK is when one side needs communication and the other side (male or female) claims to have some “cultural reason” for denying it. The two of you (spouses) are the authorities on how much communication you do and don’t need or want, not some pattern set by and for someone else.

And yes, I vote for finding a spouse who wants to pitch in. If they weren’t raised to do it, but muddle through trying to help in their own way, you can work with that. If they think that unappetizing jobs are someone else’s to do, though, you don’t want to parent with that person. Kids make messes and yes, it is “all hands on deck” until the messes are taken up and the kids are bundled away cleaned, dried, and calmed again.

 

[Xantippe]

“And yes, I vote for finding a spouse who wants to pitch in.”

And I’d add a vote to avoid anybody who feels like he’s doing you a HUGE favor by having kids with you, so you’d better take care of everything.

 

[gracepoole]

I wish I could have such hope. It’s like someone before said, I give him all the benefits of a wife without him even asking. Why are yo so positive I’ll ever find someone who respect me, when I didn’t do it myself? Sometimes I feel this is the punishment I get for not holding out until marriage.

And this kind of thinking is precisely why you should get out and get out now. No healthy relationship can be born from someone who has a negative self-image and doesn’t think she’s worthy of a good partner. You ask why you should believe you’ll find anyone who will respect you when you don’t respect yourself. Your lack of self-respect certainly will make it impossible for you to find someone better. So start respecting yourself. Make yourself worthy of more than shacking up. “Somebody is better than nobody” is a doomed outlook and it’s not what you’re meant for. Good men exist. But they aren’t interested in a woman who doesn’t value herself. If you wouldn’t want what you currently have for your daughter, you should demand more for yourself.

As for being a housewife, you can’t be one until you’re a wife.