In a difficult situation

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bluehen95

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Hello

I am a born-and-raised but not currently practicing Catholic. My wife and I have 2yo twins, and we have had a 25yo, college-educated nanny for most of that time, since we both work.

We have been blessed to have this person come into our lives. It is rare, I think, to come across extraordinary people, those who are both humble and inspiring just by being who they are. As I have gotten to know her, she (a devout Catholic) has (unknowingly) made me want to re-engage my faith, and I am beginning to learn or “re-learn” about the things behind the traditions that are so deeply engrained in my psyche.

I work from home. I see and talk to our nanny virtually every day. I think we have developed a strong bond, beyond “employer-employee” (which we did not want to be limited to with the person caring for our kids). My wife, who is the best thing that ever happened to me and who I love deeply, is also close to her, though not to the same degree since she is not home, and does not share as many interests with our nanny.

My problem, and it truly is becoming a problem, is that I have started to develop very real feelings for her (the nanny, I hate calling her that). They are not physical at this point, but they are at an emotional level I have never before experienced, and I actually find myself becoming more attracted to her every day. I do not want to lose this person in my life, but I am also becoming concerned about where I’m headed, and impacting my marriage.

If it matters, I don’t think the feelings are reciprocated, nor do I think our nanny has any idea of the impact she has had on me. In fact, I think she would be mortified to have even an inkling of my thoughts here.

I could use some guidance. I’m extremely confused at where I find myself.

Thank you in advance for your comments.

Tom
 
Get rid of the nanny. Does your wife have any desire to stay home with the kids? Now would be the time to institute that change.
 
bluehen95 said:
My problem, and it truly is becoming a problem, is that I have started to develop very real feelings for her…
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I have never heard of a situation so ripe for disaster. Unless you want your whole world to blow up, send that nanny packing - right now.
 
How long have you felt this way? I’d bet that you’ll get over it.

I disagree with HouseArrest. If your children have had the same nanny for two years it would be hard for them to handle her abruptly leaving. Also, how would you do it? Fabricate a reason? Tell the truth?

When our children were younger we had two long term nannies. I kind of almost developed feelings for the first one. There was one particular morning when she and my daughter were sitting on the floor. I had to leave for work and for a moment I didn’t, and there was an awkward silence. I got a sixth sense that she didn’t want me to leave. But I did leave.

She had been with us for about two years when we parted ways when my daughter started preschool. Nanny went on to the rest of her life, got married, had children of her own The bottom line is: it can happen that you develop feelings. But you have to keep it in perspective and ‘man up’ about it. She’s off limits. Keep her that way.

We almost had a third nanny–a college student who was aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Very much so. Plus, she had all the qualities we were looking for, after having interviewed several others. At the last minute my wife decided against hiring her. 🤷
 
bluehen95 said:
Hello

I am a born-and-raised but not currently practicing Catholic. My wife and I have 2yo twins, and we have had a 25yo, college-educated nanny for most of that time, since we both work.

We have been blessed to have this person come into our lives. It is rare, I think, to come across extraordinary people, those who are both humble and inspiring just by being who they are. As I have gotten to know her, she (a devout Catholic) has (unknowingly) made me want to re-engage my faith, and I am beginning to learn or “re-learn” about the things behind the traditions that are so deeply engrained in my psyche.

I work from home. I see and talk to our nanny virtually every day. I think we have developed a strong bond, beyond “employer-employee” (which we did not want to be limited to with the person caring for our kids). My wife, who is the best thing that ever happened to me and who I love deeply, is also close to her, though not to the same degree since she is not home, and does not share as many interests with our nanny.

My problem, and it truly is becoming a problem, is that I have started to develop very real feelings for her (the nanny, I hate calling her that). They are not physical at this point, but they are at an emotional level I have never before experienced, and I actually find myself becoming more attracted to her every day. I do not want to lose this person in my life, but I am also becoming concerned about where I’m headed, and impacting my marriage.

If it matters, I don’t think the feelings are reciprocated, nor do I think our nanny has any idea of the impact she has had on me. In fact, I think she would be mortified to have even an inkling of my thoughts here.

I could use some guidance. I’m extremely confused at where I find myself.

Thank you in advance for your comments.

Tom
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Protect your marriage by terminating the Nanny. There is no other way. Don’t think you can guard your heart while she is there every day, that would be impossible for you, the current state of your feelings is proof of that. Choose your wife whom you love. It must be done, and soon.

What you really need, that the Nanny has reignited in you, is Jesus Christ. That is at the heart of this. Take your wife to Mass with you, and give your deepest desires to Christ, He will lead you both to deep happiness!
 
If you aren’t willing to terminate the nanny’s employment (which seems to be working well for your children) find a small office OUTSIDE YOUR HOME and go to work there. This situation has great potential for disaster. It must stop immediately.
 
Hoo(name removed by moderator)mie said:
If you aren’t willing to terminate the nanny’s employment (which seems to be working well for your children) find a small office OUTSIDE YOUR HOME and go to work there. This situation has great potential for disaster. It must stop immediately.
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My thought is another nanny or another office.

I turned down a job because I already knew my would be boss and thought working for a friend and former co-worker would be awkward. I already liked him in an honorable way. We were both married, I thought we would simply become better friends and we did because I ended up taking the job.
But because I didn’t understand the bond, I was careful to take no risks.
When we each ended our marriages, I was even more diligent.
As it turns out, he is the most influential person I have ever known, after my mom, and someone I will always inexplicably love most dearly.
And someone I should never see ever again.

Yup, another nanny or another office.
 
My advice is to “terminate” the nanny. She needs another job. Developing an interest in the nanny isn’t fair to her, it will harm her social life and her future employment. If you did develop a relationship with her that would be the end of her nanny career. I have been a nanny for many years and the industry standard is to ask the mom, not the dad, for a reference. Something like this would not look good on the resume.😛 If something like this had happened to me I would have left in a heartbeat.

I have developed a close relationship with the children I have taken care of and I am still in contact with all the families that I have worked for. But that said, the nanny is expendable, your marriage is what counts.:twocents:
 
In addition to what others have said, in the meantime, no matter what you decide, stop discussing so much with the nanny–you both have jobs to do and shouldn’t be spending your free time together. Your relationship should have stayed employer-employee, since you are unable to see her as a daughter or sister. When you feel like talking, talk to your wife–she is your best friend. If you and she aren’t able to talk right then because of work or whatever, then text her, write her an email, write her a letter, whatever. But direct those feelings and sharing of things in the** right **direction–towards your wife, whom you vowed to love and honor.

As you already know in your heart, it is not loving to give so much of yourself to someone other than your spouse. It is not loving towards your spouse, or towards your nanny. It is dishonorable, and since you recognize this, you must be an honorable man. So do what your honor–not your emotions–tells you is right.

**How would you feel if your wife was in a similar situation with a man whom you’d hired? ** Would there be any doubt about what should be done? In marriage, you promise to keep your wife above all other women, and that means even (or especially) the nanny. Aren’t you a man of your word?

YOU are the shield, the warrior-knight, the king of your castle. Your wife NEEDS you to protect her from dishonor and her heart from devastation–especially that which comes from within, and especially those attacks of which she’s unaware. She needs you! You must protect your family, your wife-queen, your marriage. Do not allow attacks from within your own castle to continue–those are the most destructive.

I would also suggest discussing the situation with your priest or a Spiritual Advisor, and going to Confession. It will help give you the grace you need to stand firm in your marriage and do what is right and loving for all involved.

I will :gopray2: for you.
 
You are in the midst of a crossroads in your life and my best suggestion for you would be to re-read what you originally posted. You can see for yourself that there is really only one way to go forward and that is to remove this person from your life for the sake of your marriage and your eternal life. I will pray for you to let God and the Truths He gave us to lead you forward.
 
I will pray for you that you will make the right decision. I think you know already what that should be.
 
Sacking the nanny seems unfair to everyone but the OP.

The nanny loses her job.

The children lose their long term caregiver.

The wife has to contend with finding new childcare arrangements.

🤷
 
on_the_hill said:
Sacking the nanny seems unfair to everyone but the OP.

The nanny loses her job.

The children lose their long term caregiver.

The wife has to contend with finding new childcare arrangements.

🤷
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If that is what is necessary for the sake of preserving his own marriage then I assure you, it is the only fair option for his wife and kids. Yes, it is unfortunate for the nanny that she will have to find new work, but, especially since she is a devout Catholic according to the OP, I am sure that she, also, would rather find new work than help to tear apart a family.
 
on_the_hill said:
Sacking the nanny seems unfair to everyone but the OP.

The nanny loses her job.

The children lose their long term caregiver.

The wife has to contend with finding new childcare arrangements.

🤷
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Granted, it’s not ideal, and it probably won’t be easy. However, **consider the alternative **for all involved if the situation continues and the OP is not able to avoid temptation. It would affect them all in a much more devastating way. I think that’s of greater concern than these temporary “unfair” situations.

And the husband should help his wife find new childcare arrangements–or make them himself.
 
Is there a way you could as suggested find office space outside the home so you are not there so often and the times you are there, your wife is there too

or

If you really do have to terminate the contract of the nanny do so in the nicest possibly way by making sure she has a future family or job to go straight into without making it known to her the real reason.

The children are young and will adapt to other nannies and change is good for them to experience because life will not always be the same. But you can make her transition easy in the sense it not her fault so she shouldn’t be sacked. She hasn’t done anything wrong and you can only sack if they have done something wrong? But moved on in the gentlest of possible ways so she is not without income/job etc and feels secure that by the children she is sound. It be wrong to let her know of your feelings or any her future employers. But somehow you will have to provide a glowing reference to be fair to her because it isn’t her fault 👍
 
CatholicRaven said:
It would affect them all in a much more devastating way. I think that’s of greater concern than these temporary “unfair” situations.
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I totally agree. I caution against the nuclear option until after OP tries to work through other remedies.
 
bluehen95 said:
.My problem, and it truly is becoming a problem, is that I have started to develop very real feelings for her (the nanny, I hate calling her that). They are not physical at this point, but they are at an emotional level I have never before experienced, and I actually find myself becoming more attracted to her every day. I do not want to lose this person in my life, but I am also becoming concerned about where I’m headed, and impacting my marriage.
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This is a red flag. You need to get rid of the nanny NOW. That’s it, end of story. And if your wife really wants to know why then be upfront with her. Of course it would hurt me to hear that my husband started developing feelings for someone else while I was at work, but it would crush me to find out that his desire to keep her around overrode his desire to protect our marriage and my dignity. We could move past him developing feelings outside of his control, and I would respect him for doing the right thing and nipping them in the bud. I could never move past his choice to ignore the warning signs and let this take control and harm our marriage and family.

You’re lucky. No damage has been done yet. You have the chance to cut her out of your life and move forward with the woman you pledged your life to in a completely faithful manner. You may not be running the risk of a physical affair, but you are coming extremely close to an emotional one, even if you aren’t there yet.

And for all of the whining about “it isn’t fair”. That’s life. The girl is young, she’ll find another job. But protecting your marriage should always come before what is “fair”.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
This is a red flag. You need to get rid of the nanny NOW. That’s it, end of story. And if your wife really wants to know why then be upfront with her. Of course it would hurt me to hear that my husband started developing feelings for someone else while I was at work, but it would crush me to find out that his desire to keep her around overrode his desire to protect our marriage and my dignity. We could move past him developing feelings outside of his control, and I would respect him for doing the right thing and nipping them in the bud. I could never move past his choice to ignore the warning signs and let this take control and harm our marriage and family.

You’re lucky. No damage has been done yet. You have the chance to cut her out of your life and move forward with the woman you pledged your life to in a completely faithful manner. You may not be running the risk of a physical affair, but you are coming extremely close to an emotional one, even if you aren’t there yet.

And for all of the whining about “it isn’t fair”. That’s life. The girl is young, she’ll find another job. But protecting your marriage should always come before what is “fair”.
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Spot on, BEL.

If you walk close to the edge of the cliff for long enough, you’ll probably fall off.
 
on_the_hill said:
How long have you felt this way? I’d bet that you’ll get over it…

The bottom line is: it can happen that you develop feelings. But you have to keep it in perspective and ‘man up’ about it. She’s off limits. Keep her that way.
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Am I the only one here who also agrees with this?

If finding perhaps another space to work is an option, that could help too, but still. I hate to sound harsh, but the problem is you, not her. If I had to arrange my life to avoid women I find attractive… geez, I don’t know what I’d have to do: quit my job, avoid most social functions, and move, I guess.

Seriously, I’m going to guess you’re in your 40s? She’s probably not into you like that anyway. Friendly =/= desire.

And practically, I would suggest that if you find your mind “wandering,” think about your wife instead… something about her you find attractive. Even better, do something for her. It doesn’t have to be big, though it could be. What things did you do for her when you were dating? Especially *before *you were exclusive? Think about it. Then do one of those things.

Really. I’d bet many of us have been at least in the near vicinity of where you are now. And all morality aside, affairs never end well. And honestly, I can’t imagine telling your wife the nanny needs to go because you’re attracted to her will end much better. Picture this: I’m at a party with my wife and our mutual friends. I turn to her and say: *Wow, honey… Melissa looks really hot in that dress tonight! * Good idea? I think not. Keep your mouth shut. That’s part of the “man-up” thing. The grass isn’t greener.

Actually, I’m looking out my window right now and that’s not precisely true. My neighbor’s grass is greener. But maybe that means I ought to be more attentive to my own lawn, if you get what I mean.

16 years with my wife 8/14 and I wouldn’t go back to the newlywed days even if I could. And I remember those days fondly, too.

Peace,

C
 
Cricket123 said:
Am I the only one here who also agrees with this?

If finding perhaps another space to work is an option, that could help too, but still. I hate to sound harsh, but the problem is you, not her. If I had to arrange my life to avoid women I find attractive… geez, I don’t know what I’d have to do: quit my job, avoid most social functions, and move, I guess.

Seriously, I’m going to guess you’re in your 40s? She’s probably not into you like that anyway. Friendly =/= desire.

And practically, I would suggest that if you find your mind “wandering,” think about your wife instead… something about her you find attractive. Even better, do something for her. It doesn’t have to be big, though it could be. What things did you do for her when you were dating? Especially *before *you were exclusive? Think about it. Then do one of those things.

Really. I’d bet many of us have been at least in the near vicinity of where you are now. And all morality aside, affairs never end well. And honestly, I can’t imagine telling your wife the nanny needs to go because you’re attracted to her will end much better. Picture this: I’m at a party with my wife and our mutual friends. I turn to her and say: *Wow, honey… Melissa looks really hot in that dress tonight! * Good idea? I think not. Keep your mouth shut. That’s part of the “man-up” thing. The grass isn’t greener.

Actually, I’m looking out my window right now and that’s not precisely true. My neighbor’s grass is greener. But maybe that means I ought to be more attentive to my own lawn, if you get what I mean.

16 years with my wife 8/14 and I wouldn’t go back to the newlywed days even if I could. And I remember those days fondly, too.

Peace,

C
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There is a big difference between finding someone attractive and forming a strong bond. I think it is a bigger deal than just noticing someone.

But I am with you on the confession side of things. I would not advise he tell his wife he has ‘formed a strong bond’ with the nanny, or even that he is attracted to her. I suggested he get rid of the nanny - not such a nice way to put it - but I am not sure how he could go about it and hide his feelings. Really, though, I would look into whether or not his wife is interested in and if it is possible for her to become a stay at home Mom. That would solve all his problems. Maybe it is time to do just that.
 
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